Can't decide whether to propose

[albert093]

@eleve82, thanks for that video and the dose of realism about "knowing" and how to make the decision. It's an important point to make. I feel like she and I have positive answers to all those core questions; but, Elswyth is right that passion was not there early in our relationship. That said, lately our sex life has somewhat blossomed and I feel "passionate" more often as I lose myself in her, and I am hot for her when we go out in the evening and she wears my favourite dress. Maybe that kind of sexual passion counts. It took time but we're building it together.

 

The "passion" I think will likely continue to evade us concerns the intensity of emotion that I link with creative things like music, dancing, and imagination, with which she has no connection. She is clever, but very grounded; and I value all of her strengths and support of me, and respect her deeply; but she is not my inspiration. I don't know whether I need her to be that or not. Maybe that, and the related question of perceiving the same magic of that sunset, are what it boils down to - weighing the importance of that against all of the other things we have. I feel I want to grow towards these intangible things, and she can't lead me there... though she would gladly come with me, and would be there for me along the way.

 

And how to weight all of this is obviously something I have to decide for myself, but I feel like I have no tools for knowing whether it's a frivolous impulse, or whether I really need someone who can challenge me in that direction. I blame myself for sticking with such a LTR without experimenting more with different types of adult relationships when I was younger to learn what is really important. We did have a conversation about this a long time ago, and she recognized my feeling of having inadequate relationship experience to move forward, though she called it an "impasse" because she wouldn't know how to deal with that need (and how would she).

[albert093]

Also, many people here have suggested I need to tell her more about my feelings and I think you are right. As I just mentioned, we have talked a little about this, though not enough. I think at this point the only thing to be done is to have a open conversation with one another about all the things that are working, and then that are not working for us, and hope that sharing this allows us to navigate as amicably as possible towards the correct outcome, whatever that might be.

[TaraMaiden]

Any news, albert093....?

[georgia girl]

My advice? Re-read Tara Maiden's post.

 

Fact is, there are only three ways relationships work out:

 

1) She breaks up with you

2) You break up with her

3) You decide to spend the rest of your lives together

 

You are not sure about #3 and I would guess that after six years, you should be sure. Love doesn't say in that "high" stage for six years - it has to wax and wane a little bit - but what's there should be compelling. If it isn't enough to be compelling, then, well, it's not enough. Period.

 

What Tara is trying to tell you is that your proposal to her would be terribly unfair so you have to think of it in terms of 1 or 2. To "break up" with someone so you can find yourself, date others and then come back to her if the others didn't quite measure up is to ask someone to suspend their life for you. And yes, you say you can conceptually handle it if, during that break and after your feelings have had a chance to die a bit, she does move on but can you?

 

Picture your life: One with her and no, you don't get that second chance to find out if this is all there is to life. And one without her and you do get that chance, but it may or may not turn out the way you thought it would. Don't ever picture it with the safety net of getting back together. Get that out of your head. Then, you can make a decision.

 

My honest opinion? If I were her, it would break my heart to have you break up with me but it would shatter my soul to have you marry me and regret it.

 

Best of luck. So sorry for you.