ILoveGir Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 I was in a relationship 9 years ago with someone that was "the one". I have not felt that way about anyone else and doubt I will ever. We had bought a farm and were planning to get married. She came home from work one day and told me that she was leaving me....for one of my friends. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach by a mule. I had no idea. Looking back now, I think maybe there were a few signs but none that I could have used to put two and two together. I told her that I did not want to be together if she did not love me. I thought that was the biggest thing I could do at the time. I did not want to fight for her, ruin a friendship, and get caught in an ugly triangle. Just like that-she moved out and move in with my friend. She cut off all contact with me and kept everything to cordial hellos. She refused to talk to me about anything. I was left with a mortgage payment that I could not afford on my own (boy was I stupid). At that point, I was so love sick that I would have promised to do anything. I thought I would be respected for taking responsibility and saving our credit etc. (not) I had to get a second job to make ends meet until I could sell the farm. During the nine months that the farm was on the market, I was subjected to seeing them together a lot. I tried to avoid all I could but would always end up where they were. I was just so emotionally destroyed-I wanted to get out of town as fast as I could but had to wait until the farm sold. When it did, I moved to another city and tried to get on with things. Now I am in a great, loving relationship but I am haunted by thoughts of my ex. I can not figure out why I keep thinking about her. I guess I have some unresolved feelings. I have been thinking about writing her a letter, but ultimately, there are things that I want to know from her, answers etc. I am not sure if I will ever be able to get those answers, but somehow I think that this will allow me to put everything to rest finally. I want to know why she left me. I want to know if her feelings for me were ever real. Did our relationship mean anything to her? Does she ever think about what we had? If I write her a letter and include my return address, and ask her to please try to answer these questions...do you think she would? I guess no-one likes to rehash or reopen old wounds, but somehow I hope that she would do this for me and not be selfish for once in her life. My main goal is to get these thoughts of her out of my head. If I could be hypnotized to forget her--I would. Any advice you have would be very helpful. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Orchid Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 Very sorry for the multiple betrayals you experienced. Wanting answers to questions that had a bearing on your relationship at the time is fair, such as 'why did she leave you' and 'were her feelings ever real'; I can see how these answers would put things to rest for you by helping you understand what she felt was lacking so much that she needed to turn to another. But questions such as 'did the relationship mean anything to her' and 'does she ever think about what you had' imply that you are looking to see if she feels for you in the NOW, as you do her still. I would seriously question my true feelings and intent for wanting these answers before going ahead.... it's easy to mask hope, fantasies and feelings in the present with 'wanting answers to the past'. The other thing you need to ask yourself is, if your intention truly is to put the past to rest, will having those answers do it?. Seems to me they'll just put even more thoughts and questions in your head. Link to post Share on other sites
aFighter Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 I know exactly how you feel. my gf ran off with one of my pals and married him a few months later. The best thing you can do is to forget about her, trust me. My ex is trying to get me to talk to her again but I'm not budging an inch. She walked away let her stay away. To start talking to her again would only re=open all the old wounds and that's one pile of bs i can do without. Link to post Share on other sites
WB Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 I'm in the same boat, looking for answers. Mine ended 15 months ago and I haven't been able to move on. The only answer I can deduce is that she never loved me. I mistook affection for love. Love is the feeling of closeness when you are with someone even when you aren't doing anything. Affection is a reaction to some other factor, be it appreciation, lust, love or whatever. I suppose love doesn't need a starter, affection does. Link to post Share on other sites
ion Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 IloveGir, Let it go man. Even if she would respond to your letter, she's not the person who left you for someone else 9 years ago. At best what you would be getting would be an apology for the destruction she caused and at worst, that destruction would damage the current life you live now. I think someone else above really clear defined the situation. What do you hope to get from this? If it is closure, will you get it, if she doesn't respond? Or if she falls somewhere in the range above. One thing I think now, is that we all have great loves in our lives. They can cause pain, suffering and great joy and happiness. But they never really heal. Great loves we take to our graves. We've forever changed by them. And that's ok. In life, things happen, we meet people and the course of our life takes turns. If you need closure because it will improve your current life, and not danger the love you have now, that might be a good reason to do it. If it damage your current life, don't. It's not worth it. Not having heard from her or heard about her for 9 years, well that's alot of water under the bridge. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted October 12, 2004 Moderators Share Posted October 12, 2004 What you said there, ion, is sooo very very true. People change, life continues, and some hurts may never completely heal. Nonetheless, love and affection are the fuels we need to fire our hearts' engines, in sometimes perilous times. I hope your heart can quickly come to accept that true, giving, sacrificial love awaits you still, with someone more willing to give her entire heart and soul. My friend, the best thing you can do for yourself in this case, is to "let it burn." Sometimes, more words are of little utility. Peace my friend. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
Author ILoveGir Posted October 12, 2004 Author Share Posted October 12, 2004 One thing I think now, is that we all have great loves in our lives. They can cause pain, suffering and great joy and happiness. But they never really heal. Great loves we take to our graves. We've forever changed by them. And that's ok. In life, things happen, we meet people and the course of our life takes turns. Ion-wow. Unbelievable words. I guess I realize now that I really wanted to know if it was ok to still have feelings for someone after all these years. Maybe it was validation that I was seeking, rather than closure. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight Magic Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Move on with your life and forget about the betrayal. Why contact her and re-hash the past. You say you are in another relationship, my suggestion to continue on with that relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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