Why do I do this to myself?

[Inflikted]

I'm beyond screwed up in the head. My mind is such a mess, and my various issues have such a strong grip on me. And unfortunately, I'm not the strongest guy; no, I'm very much weak, and I choose to give in to my issues again and again and again.

 

Every now and then, I'll find something that will finally help me to start feeling more upbeat and positive, but all it takes as a string of 2-3 upsetting occurrences, and I spiral out to the point where all I want to do is sit at home, alone, sad and in pain, often on the brink of tears.

 

I trap myself in this cycle, and whenever anyone reaches out to me and provides me advice on how to get better, I just resist their advice, make excuses for myself, and ultimately end up pushing those people away. I've been told time and time again now that I should seek therapy.

 

Like any other piece of advice, I've been resisting this idea, for a couple reasons. For one, I'm both stubborn and too prideful; I feel like I'm responsible for my own issues, I'm responsible for working things out myself, I don't want to have to run off to a therapist every time I can't deal with something.

 

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I often feel like I'm just too "broken", beyond repair, and that nothing and no one (therapist included) can help me "fix" myself. I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life this way. Even if I did go seek therapy, who's to say I wouldn't just treat them like any other person that gives me advice? Who's to say I wouldn't just make excuses to a therapist, resist the advice of a therapist, and just end up frustrating said therapist?

 

I'm just so sick of being trapped in my mind, but I can't get myself out. It's horrible, and I feel like a crazy person. If I can't do something, I feel like it's only a matter of time before I go down the darkest route, and start questioning whether I even want to be alive anymore.

[TaraMaiden]

You don't need therapy.

 

Well, actually, yes you do - but first and foremost, you need to see your doctor.

 

You're depressed.

 

You're depressed.

 

You're depressed.

 

You're depressed.

 

You're depressed.

 

I said that a few times, to get it into your head, because I believe you are.

And frankly?

 

THAT'S OK.

 

You have a right to be, and it's something that everyone goes through at some point or another.

 

I mean, deep, overwhelming black depression.

 

It hits a lot of people.

 

That doesn't make them weak, or worse.

It just means things have got overwhelming, and it happens.

 

I think you should see your doctor, tell him your symptoms, come to an agreement about some kind of palliative medication - but then ask to be referred to a psychological counsellor.

 

Look, it may seem a hard thing to do, or to admit to - but look: You've already come on here to discuss it, and that's a tremendous first step.

 

See your doctor.

Take a grip, and do this.

[Inflikted]

What if I don't have a doctor to go to? Honestly, haven't been to one since I was a kid. I'm also kinda wary of medication, partially because (and I'm embarrassed to say this, but...) I can't swallow pills.

[TaraMaiden]

Then register with your local clinic.

 

Some medications are available in liquid form.

 

I would not suggest taking prescribed tablets and crushing them to make them easier to swallow. Some medications are intended for slow-release, therefore crushing them will significantly alter the absorption rate and alter their effectiveness. And not always in a good way.

 

Do not put hurdles in front of yourself, now.

You've been doing that for a long time.

If you want to change your perception on life, and climb out of this hole, a great deal of determination is required on your part.

You have to find the strength within yourself to make a difference to your life.

 

It's a choice.

[whichwayisup]

Why do I do this to myself?

I'm beyond screwed up in the head. My mind is such a mess, and my various issues have such a strong grip on me. And unfortunately, I'm not the strongest guy; no, I'm very much weak, and I choose to give in to my issues again and again and again.

 

Actually, you're much stronger than you know, it's just your ego/pride and most of all, fear of change (as sick as this sounds - I know this from experience too) fear of facing your issues, working through them as it's hard to do and a lot of hard work, emotionally draining etc.. It's easy to be comfortable with what you know. Even though you're not happy, it's what you know and are used to so changing is scary, so is dealing with the emotional side of it all too. Hope that makes sense.

 

Bolded part - You choose to give in. Don't! Choose to fight it and NOT give in. When you truly are fed up with this, and how you feel, you'll choose to fight and get help. You'll let ego and pride go and go get help. This is your life and nobody is going to change it for you.

Every now and then, I'll find something that will finally help me to start feeling more upbeat and positive, but all it takes as a string of 2-3 upsetting occurrences, and I spiral out to the point where all I want to do is sit at home, alone, sad and in pain, often on the brink of tears.

 

You'd do really well with cognitive behaviour therapy. Do those TEA forms and talk to someone who specializes in this type of counseling. Please consider going, it helped me more than you'll ever know! This counseling will help you and teach you coping skills so a few bad days won't set you back.

 

I trap myself in this cycle, and whenever anyone reaches out to me and provides me advice on how to get better, I just resist their advice, make excuses for myself, and ultimately end up pushing those people away. I've been told time and time again now that I should seek therapy.

Don't resist me and my advice!

Again, things will change when you want to make that change.

When you're so sick of feeling this way, you'll do something about it. I can tell you're close, so please, read my advice with an open mind. Don't let ego pride and fear of change/fear of facing your issues get in the way of doing something (CBT) which will only help you and make you happier so you can live a more fulfilled life.

Like any other piece of advice, I've been resisting this idea, for a couple reasons. For one, I'm both stubborn and too prideful; I feel like I'm responsible for my own issues, I'm responsible for working things out myself, I don't want to have to run off to a therapist every time I can't deal with something.

Everybody needs counseling at some point in life. CBT is not forever either. this isn't your typical 'lay down on couch and shrink listens' , you learn about YOU and your T (therapist) teaches you and gives you the tools to fight your depression and issues, makes you come to peace for whatever it is that has given you those issues. Would you rather sit alone and mope about your issues than do something about it or would you rather fix it so you won't have to deal with over and over again?

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I often feel like I'm just too "broken", beyond repair, and that nothing and no one (therapist included) can help me "fix" myself. I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life this way. Even if I did go seek therapy, who's to say I wouldn't just treat them like any other person that gives me advice? Who's to say I wouldn't just make excuses to a therapist, resist the advice of a therapist, and just end up frustrating said therapist?

 

You're broken, but so fixable! BELIEVE THAT!

Don't project into the future. You have no idea how great counseling can be.

 

I'm just so sick of being trapped in my mind, but I can't get myself out. It's horrible, and I feel like a crazy person. If I can't do something, I feel like it's only a matter of time before I go down the darkest route, and start questioning whether I even want to be alive anymore.

 

Time to shi.t or get off the pot! You're not crazy, you're hurting and broken inside and you need to fix "you", find that glue (therapist) so she can help put you back together.

 

The depression, those bad thoughts? That's serious and it's time to do something about your life, make the changes so you can feel better.

 

PM me anytime. I mean that.

[whichwayisup]

What if I don't have a doctor to go to? Honestly, haven't been to one since I was a kid. I'm also kinda wary of medication, partially because (and I'm embarrassed to say this, but...) I can't swallow pills.

 

So, you try CBT counseling and see if that helps your depression. Talk therapy and do it without taking meds. Much of CBT is in the mind and retraining your brain to be more positive. My T never pushed meds on me, and I am thankful for that.