Do I have any chance of second chance....or is it time to move on??

[artiearens]

Hello All!!

 

My ex-girlfriend and I have been together for about a year. She told me about a month ago (3 weeks after she left for college for the first time) that she didn't want a relationship right now and wanted some space from me. She also made sure to point out that she wanted to do this to concentrate on her schoolwork and make friends. I had been a little too demanding of her time during the first three weeks, but promised to back off so she could do her thing.

I had visited her each weekend during those first few weeks and we spent the night together (she is about two and a half hours away.) I told her about a week ago that I would give her no contact so she could really think about what she wants and if this is what she really wanted.

I hadn't talked to her for about a week and she called me before she had class today. She told me she had been home the past few days and had been partying and drinking the whole weekend (which she never does.) She told me she had tons of fun, met tons of people and didn't want to be with me ever again. She then began to give reasons for the break-up like she wasn't happy with me, the relationship had been a one way street, and she was bitter that I hadn't visited her lake house with her over the summer. She also told me that I had been holding her back when we were together.

She told me she felt constricted by having me around and that she loves me, but is no longer in love with me. She has made friends with lots of guys/girls and doesn't want me in her life anymore. I felt kinda betrayed because she really didn't have any friends before she went up there and has had a pretty messed up life. I have been there for her the past year and things that she had NEVER comlained about before today, were the reasons she could never be with me.

The question I ask is, do I just give her time and hopefully she will just get use to being up there...Or, do I just move on and realize that maybe she didn't love me as much as she said she did?

 

 

Thanks everyone

[Weird]

I say you just try nto to think about it, don't press the situation with ehr and jsut give her space. Chances are she will contact you in the future when she grows up. She sounds like she is going through a phase right now that apparently most girls go through...I call it the "i want to act stupid and do stupid stuff while I am young" phase. My ex when through it...but she got into it late (start of last year which was her last year of uni) and only was there for a little bit...I think. What happened you ask? She apologized to me last month for acting like a jackass and treating me like crap when she was in that phase.

 

I think you'll get the same type of thing but I really advise you to live your life rather than just focus on this. I say this from experience. I focused for a while last year when it was happening...it sucked and killed me. I eventually just realized it wasnt something I could have run my lfie and just figured that if anything was meant to be or happen it would happen/meant to be.

[lost_in_chgo]

What she did was have a sudden panic about how serious she was getting.

Then she backfilled a bunch of excuses into that panic to justify running.

Then she ran and dumped all of it on you.

 

You are never going to convince her of that.

She has to see it for herself, and may never do so.

 

Leave her alone for awhile, reach out occasionally if you have to to say high and let her come to you.

But remember she may never do that.

[Nick14]

yep, seems like what i am going thru bro. Wierds situation is alittle like mine, its been a month and she has already met a guy, is partying downtown twice a week and wants to be stupid, also because its her last year of uni and she is 22. Only problem I see out of this is, when she does grow up, will I still be around? I dunno, but she better be hoping on her lucky stars that i am still around and also apologize to me for dumping me and 2.5 years and then just maybe I'll think about having her around again. You just don't go blow someone off just for your selfishiness and all the hard work and energy in 2.5 years and have it go down the drain. I guess thats the real reason why I bugged her for 2 weeks straight after the breakup and try to make her realize what kind of mistake she is doing. I can officially call her a dumb and very stupid person for leaving a great guy like me, very dumb indeed!

[Weird]

I totally agree with nick. Hit that nail dead-bang.

 

You should ahve seen when my ex came and apologized to me for acting like an idiot last year...it was sorta funny because I know how stubborn she is to admit she was wrong. The best was she thought I was going to be all pissed off at her and I was accepting and not mad or vengeful or anything.

[lost_in_chgo]

weird -

good, but what did you want to say to her that you didn't?

Or were you beyond that?

 

I still can't figure out if I'm going to blow up on her or not.

I don't want to, but she kinda has it coming and I don't think she should just get to walk back in without some rules and some venting.

[iceisles]

Mine wanted a break to focus on school. Apparently "school" is slang these days for dating other people. I'm not opposed to a friendship with her, and while I agree that you have to establish ground rules for any kind of repaired relationship, the timing is very difficult. I want to break NC to "lay down the law" with mine, but I think having her wallow in my silence is saying more than enough right now. Trust me, though, it's damn tempting to want to say "this is how it's going to be." I realize, though, she's not going to absorb anything I say until she sorts out whatever problems she has in her life and perhaps even has a rebound relationship or two fail. Just because I'm ready to talk doesn't mean she's anywhere ready to start listening. Sometimes we just have to sit on our hands (and our words) and just go on living our lives without someone we care about.

[Weird]

lost,

 

I didn't say anything that I didn't at the time but I did sorta lay some knowledge down on her on her a couple weeks ago when she was being silly but it wasnt like I was mad at ehr or anything. Just was pointing out an observation of how she was acting. But yeah, over the last 1.5 years though I have pretty much said everything I wanted to her and she knew my stance on her/things when she came to my place last month so there was no reason to chew her out...plus I oculd tel she was really sorry for how she treated me and I thought if I went into her she'd start to cry. My anger for her left a while ago as I have had that 1.5 years to heal and stuff.

 

You should see her now though. She is acting weird and I think is afraid to hang out because she fears what may happen meaning and can't handle that. The best is she is trying to flip this on me and saying she doesn't want me to end up hurt and screwed over by expecting us to get back together if we started to hang out when in reality I just want ot hang out because I enjoy doing stuff with her. She is using this as BS to hide the fact SHE is the one who is afraid of ending up hurt because I am 99% certain she still has strong feelings for me and she knows that right now in her lfie she can't handle that stuff so she is taking the easy way out of just trying to avoid it all together. I find it all pretty silly and in a way pathetic and amusing that she thinks I would want to get back with someone who still hasn't proven she can handle dealing with rough spots when it comes to things with me. She needs to change big time and understand things can't be perfect all the time and only then I would consider a long term deal with her.

 

Oh and she told me a few days ago that she thought maybe we shouldn't talk for a few months but then changed it to a few weeks...she contacted me last night. Hilarious. Girl is just so confused when it comes to me.

 

The depressing thing is that she is a great girl...just has an issue with emotional maturity and dealing with things

openly and head on and she actually admitted to it a couple days ago. Amazing because she is so stubborn too.

 

 

Oh and I say be honest with her and if that means blowing up on her then do it. It is better to do it now than down the road when things between you two could be closer. Keeping things in only makes it that much worse and honesty is the key. When I was giving it to my ex (my opinion) a couple weeks ago she was upset cuz she took it to be a fight when it wasn't even clsoe to a fight. I told her hey, better I get this out now before we hang out than keep it in and pretend like it isn't on my mind and then blow up down the road. She agreed.

[lost_in_chgo]

Apparently "school" is slang these days for dating other people.

 

Lol... got me chuckling with that one.

 

I want to break NC to "lay down the law" with mine, but I think having her wallow in my silence is saying more than enough right now.

 

Right, it would be wasted effort if she isn't trying to come back. I'm not looking to lay down the law, but really trying to make sure that she understands my expectations and the there are two people in the relationship, not just her.

 

 

...

 

She is using this as BS to hide the fact SHE is the one who is afraid of ending up hurt because I am 99% certain she still has strong feelings for me and she knows that right now in her lfie she can't handle that stuff so she is taking the easy way out of just trying to avoid it all together.

 

There you have it. My breakup in a nutshell. And for those thinking I am deluding myself, I come to this realization thru discussions with mutual friends who have had contact with her thru all this and say that everything she said to me was ridiculous and inconsistent with what they see/hear. So it's an insecurity and fear thing with a bit of post divorce psychosis thrown in (my pseudo tech term for it).

 

 

I find it all pretty silly and in a way pathetic and amusing that she thinks I would want to get back with someone who still hasn't proven she can handle dealing with rough spots when it comes to things with me. She needs to change big time and understand things can't be perfect all the time and only then I would consider a long term deal with her.

This is something that I am convinced can be dealt with thru open and regular communication. You can't expect her to change on her own. You have to negotiate a change with her and communication is the heart of that. She can't communicate and you probably can't either. But if you focus on doing it, you can both change to where you don't regard each other as adversaries. Seems like too many relationship are like that these days. A good indicator is if your significant other is more fond of her friends than of you, you probably have an issue. Sadly, that seems to be the norm these days.

 

Me I have few/no friends. My ex...the same. It's kinda all or nothing with both of us.

 

 

The depressing thing is that she is a great girl...just has an issue with emotional maturity and dealing with things openly and head on and she actually admitted to it a couple days ago. Amazing because she is so stubborn too.

Starting to think we are talking about the same girl here....

 

She recognizes it...that's a great sign.

 

better I get this out now before we hang out than keep it in and pretend like it isn't on my mind and then blow up down the road. She agreed

 

Good thing, that.

I've come to the idea that I would just tell her that she's going to have to listen to a little anger because I'm really pissed about the way she handled things and I need to clear the decks.

 

 

but who am I kidding, it's over a year now.... It may be another year or never.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo

Apparently "school" is slang these days for dating other people.

 

Lol... got me chuckling with that one.

 

I want to break NC to "lay down the law" with mine, but I think having her wallow in my silence is saying more than enough right now.

 

Right, it would be wasted effort if she isn't trying to come back. I'm not looking to lay down the law, but really trying to make sure that she understands my expectations and the there are two people in the relationship, not just her.

 

 

...

 

She is using this as BS to hide the fact SHE is the one who is afraid of ending up hurt because I am 99% certain she still has strong feelings for me and she knows that right now in her lfie she can't handle that stuff so she is taking the easy way out of just trying to avoid it all together.

 

There you have it. My breakup in a nutshell. And for those thinking I am deluding myself, I come to this realization thru discussions with mutual friends who have had contact with her thru all this and say that everything she said to me was ridiculous and inconsistent with what they see/hear. So it's an insecurity and fear thing with a bit of post divorce psychosis thrown in (my pseudo tech term for it).

 

 

I find it all pretty silly and in a way pathetic and amusing that she thinks I would want to get back with someone who still hasn't proven she can handle dealing with rough spots when it comes to things with me. She needs to change big time and understand things can't be perfect all the time and only then I would consider a long term deal with her.

This is something that I am convinced can be dealt with thru open and regular communication. You can't expect her to change on her own. You have to negotiate a change with her and communication is the heart of that. She can't communicate and you probably can't either. But if you focus on doing it, you can both change to where you don't regard each other as adversaries. Seems like too many relationship are like that these days. A good indicator is if your significant other is more fond of her friends than of you, you probably have an issue. Sadly, that seems to be the norm these days.

 

Me I have few/no friends. My ex...the same. It's kinda all or nothing with both of us.

 

 

The depressing thing is that she is a great girl...just has an issue with emotional maturity and dealing with things openly and head on and she actually admitted to it a couple days ago. Amazing because she is so stubborn too.

Starting to think we are talking about the same girl here....

 

She recognizes it...that's a great sign.

 

better I get this out now before we hang out than keep it in and pretend like it isn't on my mind and then blow up down the road. She agreed

 

Good thing, that.

I've come to the idea that I would just tell her that she's going to have to listen to a little anger because I'm really pissed about the way she handled things and I need to clear the decks.

 

 

but who am I kidding, it's over a year now.... It may be another year or never.

 

My ex must think I was born yesterday. She tells me she doesn't have time to call me and then I see she's online for 2+ hours talking to people. Anyone who says they don't have time is just avoiding you. I'm sure the President is busy, but even he has twenty minutes to have dinner with the family or call friends now and then.

[Weird]

lost,

 

yeah seems liek we have a similar situation.

 

As for me not being able to communicate. You know, before I had toruble being totally open but during the breakup stage and afetrward and especially now (again, 1.5 years later) I have figured out communication is the key and I know I have the ability to communicate.

 

I do realize that with her I would have to play a part in her changing (whihc is why I hope she brings something up so I can tell her how I am not interested in being with her the way she is) but it just seems her issue is an emotional maturity one and it is something she has to change and that change will come more from time than from me.

 

As for you, I say you speak it to your ex. The worst that happens is she tells you to screw off out of some selfish anger but most likely will regret it once she thinks about it. You have nothing to lose. That has been my mentality for a while now.

[artiearens]

Ok, well a quick update. She called me up today and was upset because I was hanging out with a different female friend of mine (mind you she broke up with me a month ago.) Then proceded to tell me all the awful things about myself. She informed me I was cocky (which is extremely untrue) and she wants me out of her life forever because everytime we talk I piss her off and ruin her day. Funny, seeing I'm the one that is always trying to be nice to her. Amazing how in less than a span of a month she goes from being head over heels in love with me to not loving/caring for me at all!

We have an over 4 year age difference between us and I know that she just wants space to do the college thing, while at the same time making me look like the bad guy for the break-up. Guess she atleast wants that piece of mind. I'm pretty tired dealing with all of this so I am just moving on. If she ever calls me up in the future we can go from there, if not, I'm sure I will be a-ok!

[lost_in_chgo]

As for you, I say you speak it to your ex. The worst that happens is she tells you to screw off out of some selfish anger but most likely will regret it once she thinks about it. You have nothing to lose. That has been my mentality for a while now.

 

Clarify that will you? Are you saying you think I should contact her?

 

I have made it clear to her when she calls that she is welcome to contact me and that I enjoy (miss) talking to her. (nothing more than that). Been 4 months now since last contact.

[Weird]

lost,

 

what I meant was that if she contacts you and you want to get all the stuff off your chest to do it. However, if you wish to talk to her you may want to drop her a line or something. If your ex is like mine she may be sitting there wanting to talk to you but is too pussy to do so and is waiting for you to do something...and yes, I told my ex the same thing about how she is welcome to contact me whenever and she didn't until I basically told her to in an indirect way but the thing is, she did want to talk to me during all that time she didn't.

 

Of course, you can just shake your head at her being scared and not waste your time contacting someone who won't even do something you have todl them can do.

 

 

artiearens,

 

welcome to the wordl fo women going wiggy for no reason. I ahve seen some of that myself with my ex where she started to act like I didn't treat her like a queen and tried to make me feel bad. Sure enough, she apologized for it down the road.

 

Most women= irrational creatures. too many hormones pumping through their bodies or something.

[2ndConfusedfemale]

I just had to chime in. I think that your ex is a character, and I hope that you aren't too emotionally bothered by her craziness (I say that with a smirk on my face). SHE calls YOU to tell YOU that she doesn't want you in her life anymore....ookay.

 

Anyway, she's obviously confused, and I'm glad that you are not being emotionally devasted by her confusion.

[artiearens]

I would def. agree she went crazy for no reason. The first three weeks she was up there, I visited her and she was extremely sad everytime I left. She kept telling me she wanted to be with me forever and I was the pefect guy etc.

 

Then two days after my last visit she didn't want to be with me anymore and now thinks I'm the most evil person alive! I have no idea what is going through her head and though I wanted to stay a part of her life and be there for her, she doesn't want that. It could be one of a thousand things and I guess the best thing is for her to sort all that stuff out on her own.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by artiearens

I would def. agree she went crazy for no reason. The first three weeks she was up there, I visited her and she was extremely sad everytime I left. She kept telling me she wanted to be with me forever and I was the pefect guy etc.

 

Then two days after my last visit she didn't want to be with me anymore and now thinks I'm the most evil person alive! I have no idea what is going through her head and though I wanted to stay a part of her life and be there for her, she doesn't want that. It could be one of a thousand things and I guess the best thing is for her to sort all that stuff out on her own.

 

That's all you can do. Isn't it fun to deal with a Jekkyl & Hyde complex? I barely know what I'm thinking half the time - much less what my ex is thinking.

[Weird]

Hmm, I am wondering if maybe she is doing this to try and push you away and to "hate" her so it makes things easier for her? Afterall it is easier to not be/talk to someone who doesnt like you or insults you (she may be trying to get you to insult her) than it is to not talk/be wiht someone who is nice to you and shows you their love. So that could be her messed up plan.

 

Or, she is just confused and is mad at herself for this confusion (I want to be with him but I can't right now etc) and seems like taking it out on you is the best thing to do because as humans, it is so hard to criticze ourselves and blame ourselves and handle our own problems.

 

My ex when we were together would sorta take out stress from her school and stuff on me. Not like chew me out and be nasty but she'd get bitchy towards me because of that outside stress. Then she'd apologize an hour later and things would be peachy. Sheesh....