Should I give her this letter ?

[Urban Rubble01]

Brief rundown: 3 and a half year relationship. We're both 22 (well, she turns 22 in 2 weeks). We've had the perfect relationship, we rarely fight, none of the typical headgames most couples play. A few weeks ago she said she needed a break because she's trying to make up credits for her last year at university and she's working. She says that towards the end of the school year hopefully we can start things back up. She says she still loves me and that she doesn't want this to be the end but that she needs to do this. I didn't disagree with the decision, I know it's what's best if we are going to be together forever. She said the same thing, that if we're going to eventually get married that we'd better spend some time apart while we're so young. She hasn't been cold or rude and she says she still wants to talk and see each other, just not as much.

 

So I wrote her this letter. It's not an attempt to get her back or to guilt her. I just had some things left to say and I knew that if I don't they'd bug me. I tried not to make it overly sentimental, my intent is not to write a love letter to impress her. I just need to say some things. For the last 2 weeks I've been trying to decide if I should give this to her. I'm going to go see her tommorrow to hang out go to a show but I still haven't decided what to do. If someone could read this and tell me what they think that'd be great. It's long and if you just want to skim it that'd be fine.

 

If this was a regular breakup I'd never consider giving this to her. But she's told me that she likes to hear how I feel and that it makes her feel good to know that I still love her. Plus we're not totally broken up, in her words we're on hiatus from "us".

 

So here it is, if you don't want to read it all just skim. If you think things need to be changed go ahead and tell me, if you think I'm a moron and shouldn't give it to her at all, tell me.

 

 

I'm writing this because there are still some things I need to say. I'll do my best to keep on track and not make this a sappy Shakespearian type love letter. Believe me, I've written page after page of that kind of thing but that all has to stay under my bed for now. It's a matter of keeping some dignity for myself. Plus, I don't think that in this situation it would be a good idea to give you a huge love letter explaining how I feel, I just have to hope that for now you already know all that. I want to give them to you, but I don't want it to seem like I'm playing on emotions. I'm confident that one day the situation will be right for me to let you read all that. For now I'm going to try and keep this on topic and say what I need without being too emotional.

 

First off I want to explain that even though this is all very hard on me and not particularly what I want, I know it's what we need. I respect you more than you can know for being strong enough to do this and to know what you (we?) need. I knew that some time apart was a good idea, but I didn't have to courage to risk losing you. This will be good for us as individuals, and I hope to God it's good for us as a couple. I know that if we get through this and come back together one day that we will be twice as strong as we were before. I just hope you understand that I'm not angry, I don't hold any of this against you and that I actually totally agree with it. It's what we need even if it is the hardest thing I've ever done. When I feel sad about all of this, it's not because I disagree with the decision, it's because I'm scared.

 

This time is supposed to be about living life on our own and I'll do my best to respect that. There is just 1 thing that I need from you. All I need is total honesty. One of the things that have made this so hard is not knowing what's going to happen, being up in the air. And you know me, I'm neurotic and I over analyze things. I sit here and try to predict how this is going to turn out and how you really feel and all I manage to do is torture myself. If I knew what was going to happen, bad or good, I'd be able to go from there, but I don't. So please, do your best to be honest with me and tell me exactly what you feel. If you feel like your feelings are fading or that you've met someone else you've got to let me know that. On the other hand, if your feelings remain strong and you feel like you love me, tell me that. A simple thing like that E-mail you sent me telling me that you like to hear from me and that you love me makes me feel so good. I don't need much, just the occasional small reassurance. Other than that I'm fine.

 

If time goes by and you feel like starting things up again understand that I'm ready to do it on your terms. We don't have to jump right back into it and start hanging out or even talking every day. We could take things slow. I actually think that would be good for us, and even fun. We could start "dating" again. ****, I could buy you dinner and then you could hold out on sex, just like a real couple ! I'm kidding, but what I mean is that if we eventually start things back up that I have no problem with going slow. I think it would be fun to take you out and work to impress you again. You said you felt like we were in a rut and in some ways we were, I just have a hard time knowing how to be romantic. There were so many times when I wanted to show you how I felt, to do all those romantic things that every girl loves to do. I tried, but in alot of ways I just didn't know how. I didn't want to scare you and I didn't want to look stupid. I don't know why I say this stuff, I just feel like you should know that if I made mistakes, I was aware of them and always looked for ways to fix them. One of the ways that I think this will be good for us is that it will give us both time to think about things we may have done wrong and hopefully correct them. I just hope that I get that chance to show you that I've made an effort to make myself a better partner for you.

 

I never thought I'd have to consider whether or not we could be "just friends", but I have been thinking about that alot lately. I hope that no matter what happens we can maintain some sort of relationship. Losing someone you love is hard enough, but you were always so much more than a girlfriend. I know it's cliche (I'm full of cliche's these days) but you were my girlfriend and my best friend. I've always been, in a way, dissatisfied with my male friends, you know that. But everything they lacked I found in you. I can talk to you and tell you how I feel so much better than any other friend I've ever had, to lose that would kill me. Not that I don't love my friends, I do, for the most part they're good people. It's just different with you, it's more meaningful and much more fufilling.

 

I've always heard people say "You don't know what you have until it's gone". I don't believe that, only an oblivious fool could have the kind of feelings that you gave me and not know how important that was. These past 3 years have been the greatest of my life. I may not have always showed it and I may have done things wrong but I want you to know that you've made me happier than I ever thought possible. You've allowed me to be myself, you've helped me mature. You've brought out all the positive qualities within my personality and made me want to work to lose the bad ones. If I can retain those things that you gave me then I know this time will have been worth it, regardless of the outcome. I have always felt like we were so perfectly compatible that it was inevitable we'd always be together. I guess that's the closest I've come to believing in "fate" or "destiny". The thing is, through all of this, I feel the same way. Now that doesn't mean I'm going to sit around and wait for you , for my sake I can't. All I can do is move on and live life the best I can without you there. I won't wait on you, but I will never close the door on you either. You mean too much to me to give up on, I never will, but if I am to have any kind of peace I have to get into the mindset that you may be gone for good. I can and will get through anything that happens, if you leave for good I'll figure out a way to go on, but I don't believe I can ever be as happy as I was when we were together. You have a free pass to walk back into my life at any point with no questions asked because I love you and that isn't going to change.

 

So that's it. Like I said, I tried not to make it too sappy but I know I wasn't fully successful. If you could read the other stuff I wrote you'd understand that this was restraint. I want to promise you that I'll try not to talk about "us" as much anymore. You've got to understand, this was a big shock and I'm still adjusting so there are things I need to get out. But I'll try to stop. When we talk and when we see each other I want it to be purely about enjoying each other's presence and having fun together. I don't want it to be something where we have to have a relationship talk every time we see each other, and I know you don't want that either. I want you to look forward to seeing me and having fun, I don't want you to dread seeing me because you know we'll have to talk about all of this. So I'll try to stop, but I won't promise not to talk about it at all because like I said, it's hard and I'm still adjusting. When the time comes I hope we can work things out, until then I'm going to focus on myself and getting **** accomplished. The door is open whenever you want to walk through it but there's no hurry, work on yourself and what you need out of life. If there's anything you need from me, don't hesitate to ask. You know I'm here for you. Stay strong, don't lose focus and try to think about me every now and then, because I'm always thinking about you.

[flavius]

Hey, Rubble. You don't know me but I am the brains of this outfit.

 

My advice? Don't send it. And don't read a hundred opinions about it either.

 

Very nice letter, it makes your feelings very clear, and I know it represents all that is most precious to you. Bless you. But this is a letter to yourself -- it is chock full of everything she does not want to hear about. This baby will boomerang, big-time. There is a lot of autobiography in this letter -- the fact that you feel like you need to say all these things reveals something about you, and where this relationship has left you.

 

Who told you this is not a regular breakup? This is the most typical kind, young friend! There's some coffee to be smelled here, you know? She is asking herself the question, "who am I in this world, not counting him?" Your girl has thrown things up in the air to see if they come back down. Well, they might, and they might not, and you can do nothing about it.

 

Here's your plan.

 

It is time you do a little breaking up of your own. Tell her tomorrow that she may be right, but that she's being a little unrealistic. Tell her you'd like to make a date with her, say in 90 days. Then for 90 days I suggest that you do something very personal-- if you're artistic go away and paint, if you're a nature lover go away and hike. Ideally, just pack a backpack and go kick around in Nicaragua (yes, I'm dead serious. See http://www.lonelyplanet.com), but BE GONE. No calls, no letters, no kidding. Devote all the energy to the journey that you would have devoted to her. Don't look back, and don't look within. Just look around. Find out who the heck you are, and become so confident in it that you feel no need to explain it. NO DRIVING NEED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF. That will be a long journey for you. But it is where you need to be, and it is what she needs to see.

 

After 90 days, show up without a script. See what the score is, take a fresh look at her, and decide then and there if you want her. If you do, demand a decision. (You shall not go through this twice, right Rubble?)

 

It's time for you to do things the Cowboy Way. When you come back from your walkabout you'll be ready for her.

 

Think it over. May God make you wise!

[Urban Rubble01]

Very nice letter, it makes your feelings very clear, and I know it represents all that is most precious to you. Bless you. But this is a letter to yourself -- it is chock full of everything she does not want to hear about. This baby will boomerang, big-time. There is a lot of autobiography in this letter -- the fact that you feel like you need to say all these things reveals something about you, and where this relationship has left you.

 

So what exactly is wrong with telling her all this ? I'm not disagreeing, just looking for some understanding. For one, she said she likes to hear about how I'm feeling and likes to feel as if I still love her.

 

I know that alot of this is just things I need to say, but what's wrong with that ?

 

Who told you this is not a regular breakup? This is the most typical kind, young friend! There's some coffee to be smelled here, you know? She is asking herself the question, "who am I in this world, not counting him?" Your girl has thrown things up in the air to see if they come back down. Well, they might, and they might not, and you can do nothing about it.

 

What I meant was that she didn't just tell me it's over. She has made it clear that she loves me and wants this to work out. Now, I'm not naive enough to think that it's for sure going to work out, but seeing as how we both seem to love each other and that we've had no real disagreement I just feel like there is a bit more of a chance. But I understand that nothing is certain.

 

As for your plan, I like it, but I can't exactly leave for 3 months. Work and school demand my time for now (though I am heading to Jamaica first chance I get for at least a week). One thing that I didn't quite know what to make of is when you say that I should give her an ultimatum in 3 months. She has made it clear that if we're going to get back together she needs time to work on school. She said at the end of the school year that we could heopfully talk about getting back together. I respect that because if this break is truly about what she says it is then I need to give her this time to work on school. So why would I tell her in 3 months that it's then or never ?

 

Do you really think it's wrong of me to talk to her and that I should seriously just drop off the face of the earth for 3 months ? I just think it's important for both of us if we maintain contact. Why is that unwise ?

 

I really don't mean to disagree, I'm just trying to get this all straight in my head.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Urban Rubble01

So what exactly is wrong with telling her all this ? I'm not disagreeing, just looking for some understanding. For one, she said she likes to hear about how I'm feeling and likes to feel as if I still love her.

 

Do you really think it's wrong of me to talk to her and that I should seriously just drop off the face of the earth for 3 months ? I just think it's important for both of us if we maintain contact. Why is that unwise ?

 

I really don't mean to disagree, I'm just trying to get this all straight in my head.

 

First off -- that's a great letter. Now is not the time to show it to her, though. The time to show it to her is when you get back together.

 

For now, confine it to a secret shoebox. I would encourage you to keep writing your feelings down, in the form of letters addressed to her if you like, for about 10 minutes a day on days that you feel like it. Do it for yourself, it will help you so much. I write every few days, just for a few minutes, and I have pages and pages. I always feel better after I write about how I'm feeling about the relationship.

 

It may be that she broke up with you because she wasn't getting something out of the relationship that she needed. She doesn't need time away from you to focus on school -- it's perfectly easy to do both at the same time. I would recommend reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," or even just skimming it. When I read it, I understood why my ex and I had been fighting so much lately, and how we hadn't been understanding each other. It really made me cry because I realized how destructive we'd acted toward each other just because we have different needs. It sounds cheesy, but really do read it, it is an amazing book.

 

This girl seems insecure to me, because she says she "likes to know you love her" -- I'm sure that statement is extremely painful for you. She wants to know she loves you and cares for you, but she doesn't want to be with you. She needs time to work on her insecurities and you need to give her that. But careful not to let her turn you into her crutch ... which is what you'll be doing if you send that letter at this point. It's a long piece that took a lot of effort and shows her how much pain you're in. That doesn't do any good.

 

Later, when you are back together and trying to start anew, it will be a sweet letter to read together. What you are writing is something she can't fully appreciate right now. It will mean more to her later once you have gotten through this time.

 

I don't think you should take 3 months off. I think that may force her to come crying to you that she loves you, but that's not what you want. You don't want her to come back because she's lonely or because she can't deal with you not being there. You want her to come back because she loves you 100% and she loves you 100%.

 

One other tip: avoid any behavior or thoughts that are jealous, posessive, resentful, or otherwise destructive. Acting that way toward her will pressure her and make her feel bad for you. Thinking that way will make you act in destructive ways.

 

Needing constant reassurance from her is destructive behavior. Giving her constant reassurance that you love her is destructive behavior.

 

I stopped saying I love you to my ex on the phone about 2 weeks after we'd broken up -- because I knew it wasn't doing any good. It was just painful -- but I know that I love him and that he probably loves me too. I just keep thinking of that, but not saying it. It really helps to not always be telling each other you love each other during this time -- just keep that feeling silent right now. It's more meaningful that way, because it's painful to say "I love you, but I can't be with you right now." It hurts. It hurts not to say it, too -- I get so depressed wondering if my ex loves me -- but trust me, I think it's better to not rely on constant reassurance right now.

[Urban Rubble01]

It may be that she broke up with you because she wasn't getting something out of the relationship that she needed. She doesn't need time away from you to focus on school -- it's perfectly easy to do both at the same time.

 

The thing is, I think that if she felt like that she'd tell me. I've told her at least 3 times that if she cares about me at all that she'll tell me the absolute truth, and 3 times she has said it's nothing I've done and that it's purely about needing some time for herself. She supposed to be graduating from the University of Washington this year and she's behind credits. Plus she's having to work and semi support herself. I just can't believe that she'd be dishonest with me. Another reason why I believe her is that we had no fights or anything else like that leading up to it. She was as loving as ever.

 

One other tip: avoid any behavior or thoughts that are jealous, posessive, resentful, or otherwise destructive. Acting that way toward her will pressure her and make her feel bad for you. Thinking that way will make you act in destructive ways.

 

I've been sure not to do any of that. We've been on great terms, there is no anger or resentment on either of our parts. When we talk it's literally exactly as if we were still together.

 

Needing constant reassurance from her is destructive behavior. Giving her constant reassurance that you love her is destructive behavior.

 

I hear alot of people say that but I still don't know why. How is telling her I love her every now and then destructive ? I don't understand.

 

I stopped saying I love you to my ex on the phone about 2 weeks after we'd broken up -- because I knew it wasn't doing any good.

 

I'm not telling her I love her to get anything accomplished. I tell her that because I think it's good for both of us to hear. I'm not saying I'm right, I just don't see how that can be bad.

 

Let me make this clear, I'm not writing this to manipulate her feelings. These are just things that I've been dying to get out. Towards the end I mentioned that this would be the last time I discuss the relationship for awhile, would it really be destructive to give her this and get this all out before I stop talking about it ?

[Weird]

I also say you don't send it. I sent a letter similar like that when I broke up with my ex early last year...it didn't go over too well. Like you, I did not send it to try and manipulate her feelings. I sent it because I thought it was right and I wanted her to hear my honest thoughts and stuff. Well, all it did was piss her off probably because it made her start thinking about something she was trying not to think/focus on. My situation was similar to yours where she implied we would talk about things when she was done school...it never happened. And yes, she said some of the same stuff that I think your ex says to you about how she cares and stuff like that.

 

Hopefully your ex truly means what she says but all I can say is don't hold your breath expecting things to work out when you two start talking again. I think the odds are that she is going to try and "move on" by trying to lose her feelings and I doubt it will work but I can see her saying she still needs her space and such when the time comes for you two to talk about things. That still doesnt mean that things will never work out between you two...just means it may not go as you may plan/hope it will. It could take a year or more. I don't know. All i know is I hope things between you two do work out and she will give you the respect of keeping to what she said and starting things up near the end of the school year...but just know that I have been in that situation and it didn't go the way it was supposed to and I am sure others here have had the same situation and can say the same thing.

 

I think it is a good letter but I say hold off on it...at least give it another week or two of thought before you make your final decision. I like the idea of showing it to her when you two eventually talk things over in the future.

[flavius]

Rubble, when I was a boy I was you. So I'm not disapproving of you -- you have a beautiful soul.

 

Let me just hit the high points:

 

This is a STANDARD breakup, not some unique, beautiful exception.

What, are you trying to impress her with what a weak-ass you are? SHE'S NOT IMPRESSED!!

You need to redefine the rules, not find sappy ways to comlpy.

You're 22. You are playing way too safe. And it has already cost you, and it will keep on costing you until you find your spine and your soul. She is not your soul, and neither is the mutt who's been following her around.

 

It's time to Cowboy Up.

[EC]

OK wow first of all, beautiful letter!

 

Secondly, coming from a girl, I do not think now is the time to send it.

 

She was with you for three years, you've already talked about it, and she obviously knows how you feel.

 

She wants a break from YOU and the US to focus on the HER. She feels the need to breathe and you say not a normal breakup and that she loves you and wants to work it out in the future but basically what she was saying was the biggest cliche of all "I need some space"

 

I don't think you should send the letter now it will just either make her feel sorry for you or push her away further.

 

Give it time, leave her alone, if you love her and want to wait then wait, but just let it go right now.

 

Right now I understand you are trying to deal with everything and trying to understand but that letter is not going to give you the answers you want. Your trying to hold on to something that does not want to be held onto right now. Like trying to holw water in your hands.

 

Let her sort her mind and let her come to you. Like you said your door is always open but dont wait around forever.

 

Send if you must but I really think you should'nt.

[Weird]

yep, eternally confused hit the nail on the head.

[flavius]

EtErNaL, that was so well put. Not very Cowboy, but perfectly straight.

 

Rubble, I can't make you a cowboy if you'd rather be a cow. But take it from the ladies if not from me:

 

No letter. No hanging on. And please, no further self-immolation? The neediness is so unattractive.

 

You cannot win by losing, pardner. If you want her, you'll have to win her.

 

There's nothing more to be said. I think I'll just ride off to another thread. Hi-yo Silver! AWAY!

[Sukotto]

I sent a similar letter to my ex about a week ago, she ended up in tears and well it didn't bring us any closer together. I think it probably made the situation worse.

 

I've decided that we'll just go to the gym on a weekly basis then swimming afterwards to talk and catch up. Its only been 2 weeks since we've broken up but my friends have been taking me out drinking and meeting new people which has helped.

 

Continue your life even if it feels empty at the moment as mine does as it can only get better. Maybe she wasn't the one for you, try to date new people as its the only way to find it.

 

Yes this does look like a standard break up. I got told that she didn't feel the same after 2.5 years, she said she'd changed as a person and though she still cared for me she wasn't sure if she loved me like she use to. Ending all communication will make things worse.

[EC]

EtErNaL, that was so well put. Not very Cowboy, but perfectly straight

 

not very cowboy..lol funny..I can be cowboy....Ye-Hawww!

[Urban Rubble01]

First of all flavuis, one more cowboy reference and I might just hang myself.

 

This is a STANDARD breakup, not some unique, beautiful exception.

What, are you trying to impress her with what a weak-ass you are? SHE'S NOT IMPRESSED!!

You need to redefine the rules, not find sappy ways to comlpy.

You're 22. You are playing way too safe. And it has already cost you, and it will keep on costing you until you find your spine and your soul. She is not your soul, and neither is the mutt who's been following her around.

 

I have not followed her around once. Yes, I've written a letter, does that really count as being a mutt who is following her around ?

 

Second, I already mentioned this was not an attempt to impress her. I explained that so when you say that I'm trying to impress her by being a "weak ass" I have no choice but to see that as an insult. And I have no idea why you'd come here to insult me.

 

Third. I guess I consider a "standard" break up to be the "I don't want to see each other anymore". Yes, girls say they need space all the time and it usually doesn't work out. However, when the girl is telling you she feels the same about you and that she loves you and wants this to work out I don't see that as "standard". Again, I'm not saying I'm an exceptional case and I'm not saying it's bound to work out, what I'm saying is that this is not a standard breakup. I understand that this happens all the time with no positive outcome.

 

f you want her, you'll have to win her.

 

Please, explain what you think I should do to go about winning her then. I've been getting advice that I should just stop talking to her, frankly I think that's ridiculous. If there is still feeling there and she's willing to spend time together I see no reason to drop off the face of the earth. So far that's about all I've gotten. So please man, what should I do ?

 

She was with you for three years, you've already talked about it, and she obviously knows how you feel.

 

Well that's the thing. Yeah, I've told her I love her a million times and she knows that, but there are alot of other things in there that I haven't told her that I want to. I just think some of that stuff is fairly important for her to know.

 

Give it time, leave her alone, if you love her and want to wait then wait, but just let it go right now.

 

So by "leave her alone" do you also think that I should just stop talking to her ? I'm having a hard time with that one. I can't understand why I would stop talking to her if we both want to.

 

I appreciate the advice you guys give, I really do. I know my situation and I'm fairly sure that she'd appreciate reading something like that, but I won't give it to her. I've got to try and listen to other people. Actually, I already ****ed it off, I'm up at her place right now, she's in the shower so I thought I'd check in real quick. It sucks because I don't really know what to do with all these questions and things I need to say. I just want to get them out. Apparently honesty is not the best policy in this case ?

[Weird]

I am all about people being honest and direct...I just think the letter should be delayed.

 

I see no problems with talking to her and hanging out with her if that is what she wants but just make sure you don't let the relationship stuff become an issue and press the situation. It is hard to go along with stuff on the mind and not talking about it but if you have the will power to do so (meaning just hang as friends right now) then go for it.

[UnicornGirl]

I understand your impatience to give it to her. But I think the general consensus is that while it is a beautiful letter, you should wait on it. Just enjoy the time you're spending with her right now, and be there for her.

[beautiful]

I think that you should do whatever YOU want with this letter and not go by what someone else thinks. You are the one in this situation and do what your heart tells you to do.

 

Why should you have to be afraid to send her a letter? Why does she need space from you? or a break? a break from what? I am sorry there is never an excuse for something like that.

 

I am sorry, but I feel that if 2 people love one another and want to be together no one is going to want or need a break.

 

She is very young and from that point of view I can understand that she wants to see what else is out there. And so she should and so should you.

This maybe something you don't like to hear right about now however it is reality.

 

I feel there is someone else she is interested in and she is not telling you the whole truth about this situation. She is keeping you around just in case!

 

These are my feelings on this. By no means can I say this for sure however I am a woman and women lie to my friend! Some of them can be as bad as some of these jerks that are around.

 

So be careful here!

 

I say do not contact her at all. Give her the space she wants. That means you do not talk to her, be with her or see her. Go out there and live a happy life, meet new people, date a little.

 

 

Find out why you so addicted to this girl that you can't move on to a healthy life without her.

 

I wish you the best!

 

P.S. On the NO CONTACT RULE, it works!

[flavius]

Rubble, I have just one more Cowboy-ism for you:

 

"If you ride with thieves, you'll hang with thieves."

 

What has that to do with your situation? Well, nothing really. I've just kinda grown fond of the role of grizzled old range rider.

 

Please don't hang yourself on my account.

[Carefree]

Do not send any letters or "I Love You" because she has her education right now thats more important than your heart.

 

Just remember that a quick "hello" on the phone, answer machine or Email is efficient enough.

 

I'm separated and 43. I been there done that with letters and "I Love You" to my husband. He's not come back.

 

Just remember you're not a revolving door or a doormat. You have so much love that you need to give yourself a cut-off point of waiting.

 

If she does it now what will it be like when she graduates. Ask yourself how did she get behind in credits?

 

Never underestimate a woman. We have thoughts and dreams but responsibilities for another's heart is useless.

 

Just remember you're only 22. There's 20 mores years ahead of yourself and trust me you do not want to be where I am.

 

My husband did the same thing to me. He stopped dating me without telling me and when I assumed I was his girlfriend he had sex. I've known him 13 yrs.

 

Never doubt your suspensions. Keep a guard. Keep focus. Keep praying.

 

Keep me updated on your situation. I use to send so many letters to my husband when we were dating. It made things worse instead of better.

 

It was like I was invading his space. She may need space but thats no excuse for her not being upfront with your heart and soul.

 

Just remember there are others in the sea who would enjoy your sentimential letters and your true heart

[Urban Rubble01]

No problem flavius, I won't.

 

She is very young and from that point of view I can understand that she wants to see what else is out there. And so she should and so should you.

This maybe something you don't like to hear right about now however it is reality.

 

I feel there is someone else she is interested in and she is not telling you the whole truth about this situation. She is keeping you around just in case!

 

Well, I know that's always a possiblity, but I'm about as sure as one can be that that isn't the case. I've explained to her that she needs to be honest with me if she cares about me at all. I directly asked her if there was someone else. Not only did she assure me there was not, she also went out of her way to explain that this is not about wanting to see other people. She said she just needs to be able to focus on school and work without having to worry about "us" as much. Unless she is deliberately trying to hurt me then I don't think it's about someone else.

 

I say do not contact her at all. Give her the space she wants. That means you do not talk to her, be with her or see her. Go out there and live a happy life, meet new people, date a little.

 

I hear this opinion thrown around alot but I still don't really know why. Before I left tonight I asked her if this had been O.K and kind of just asked if this is what she wants or if she's just going along with it. She said that she wants to see me because she still loves me and it's important to stay in contact, she just can't be obligated to do anything right now. So if we both want to see each other, what can be the problem with hanging out once a month or so ?

 

Find out why you so addicted to this girl that you can't move on to a healthy life without her.

 

Well, I'm trying to get into the mindset that I CAN live a healthy life without her. The thing is, I love her, I don't want to live without her. I can manage to get over her with time if she's truly gone, but if she isn't then I see no reason to give up. I just love her, but I've realized that no matter how much I love her, I'll get along without her if I have to. Again, if I have to I can, but I don't want to.

[Fuzzymuzzy]

Trust me I was going to do the same thing with my ex I decided to wait on the letter thought I kept it and occasionally read it to see if I still feel the same way I did then. I don't. For about 2 monthes after a break-up u go through some major funk. I felt like my head was full of clouds.

Now here is another example I know another woman who is getting divorced from her husband after 6 yrs of marriage. He is trying flowers, letters, even a necklace. All she can say is what a chump the guy is. It's tough but let it go. Like I said I went through the same thing and a letter or nothing else could turn it around. Hey be glad your situation is not like mine. Take a look and tell me what you think of this. Then tell me how brutal you feel. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=47735

[flavius]

Rubby, there is a very good reason not to send the letter, or to continure contact with her, but we were hoping you'd just catch the wave without us slappin' it on you.

 

It's because, it is Pathetic. Girls don't go for Pathetic, and sometimes they even break up with Pathetic. You think it is romantic and noble to "accept her back on her terms, no questions asked" or to "always be there" for the girl who has moved on. You are so completely wrong, trying to win by losing.

 

All that is great for your wife, but Dude, she is not your wife. She is NOT EVEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND (hello??) and she doesn't want to hear about it. Your identity is swallowed up in her, which is GREAT if she's your wife, but she is not, and at present she has no desire to become "Mrs-Urban-Rubble."

 

If you want to win this girl, and I do not doubt that she is worth winning, you are going to have to find your own soul, and she cannot give you her extra one. You are going to have to be a man.

 

Now get your city-ass down to the Foriegn Studies Department office and sign up for a semster in Timbuktu. Quit your burger-flippin' job and put your future, your identity, and your object of infatuation at risk and BECOME SOMEBODY WHO DOESN'T HAVE TO PUKE OUT EVERY FEELING IN HIS HEAD JUST TO MAKE SURE HE'S STILL BREATHING. WHEN THERE IS SOMETHING OF SUBSTANCE IN YOU, SHE WILL KNOW IT AND LOVE IT. THERE WILL BE NO NEED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

 

"Who ARE you?" Buttercup persisted.

"No one to be trifled with, Highness" replied the Man in Black, never turning his head.

 

So, who ARE you, Rubble?

 

 

Hey, Flavius respects you. You should try it too.

[Urban Rubble01]

It's because, it is Pathetic. Girls don't go for Pathetic, and sometimes they even break up with Pathetic. You think it is romantic and noble to "accept her back on her terms, no questions asked" or to "always be there" for the girl who has moved on. You are so completely wrong, trying to win by losing.

 

This is my point though. You say I'm "being there for the girl who has moved on", but how am I to accept that she has "moved on" when she tells me she loves me and wants to work this out eventually. Last night she kissed me and told me that she likes to see me, am I supposed to ignore that type of thing and just assume she really doesn't love me ? I don't understand. If she had told me she was done with it and moving on, I wouldn't have a second thought, I'd be out. But she hasn't said that, she has said the total opposite. So do you think it's a good idea for me to give up when she still gives me signs of hope ?

 

The same goes for talking to her. If she wants to talk to me and all that, why is it pathetic for me to talk to her ? I honestly don't understand that. It's pathetic for me to talk to the girl I've been with for over 3 years ? I could see your point if I was grovelling and calling her constantly, but I'm not. I'm keeping it casual and just staying friendly. Please help me understand, I mean it, I just don't see how that means I'm pathetic.

 

and she doesn't want to hear about it.

 

Again, then why does she tell me the exact opposite ? You say she doesn't want to hear about it and I understand that, but why does she tell me that she does in fact want to hear about it ?

 

So, who ARE you, Rubble?

 

I'm a confused mother****er who is trying to sift between the advice I'm given and what she tells me to my face.

 

edit: I feel that I should add this: I wouldn't take her back right this second anyway. Eventhough this is really tough on me, I've kind of felt for a while that this is something we need if we're going to be together for the rest of our lives. I know that we're young and that if we don't spend some time apart now that it might come back later in the relationship. I don't want her back NOW, I just want her to still love me and want to work it out EVENTUALLY. I don't want it to seem as if I'm trying to make this all go away, I'm not. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to keep things somewhat alive between us for the meantime.

[Sukotto]

I dont want to rain on your parade but I kiss my ex out of habbit, its something that I was so use to over the 2.5 years that the night we broke up i gave her a kiss when I was going home and the following times I saw her. It just feels natural since i'd done it so often and I guess I didn't second guess it.

 

You guys really do need some time apart to let the both of you see whats out there, even if she's giving you these mixed signals. Actually i'd just tell her what you edited in you post, but say it face to face rather than via a letter as those can come back to haunt you.

 

Tell her that you think that it would be healthy to take some time apart and even try dating new people, if your relationship is strong then these other things will go absolutely nowhere and she'll be back with you when it ends. Keep a friendship, talk about school and other things. Maybe even sort out meeting up at a set time every few weeks. Go to the theatre and see a film then maybe go somewhere to chat but avoid discussing how your relationship was or how it will be and please please please don't do anything intimate!

 

As long as you're still there for her as a friend then the door is always open for the relationship to start back again.

[Urban Rubble01]

I dont want to rain on your parade but I kiss my ex out of habbit, its something that I was so use to over the 2.5 years that the night we broke up i gave her a kiss when I was going home and the following times I saw her. It just feels natural since i'd done it so often and I guess I didn't second guess it.

 

I understand what you're saying. I was going to try and leave it at the hug (and the small kiss on her forehead) but she grabbed my face and kissed me. That's why I was suprised, I actually meant not to but she initiated it.

 

Tell her that you think that it would be healthy to take some time apart and even try dating new people, if your relationship is strong then these other things will go absolutely nowhere and she'll be back with you when it ends. Keep a friendship, talk about school and other things. Maybe even sort out meeting up at a set time every few weeks. Go to the theatre and see a film then maybe go somewhere to chat but avoid discussing how your relationship was or how it will be and please please please don't do anything intimate!

 

Yeah, that was basically what I was thinking and what we've done so far. I don't have any interest in seeeing other people right now, and she says the same, but that might change. I don't know, I'm not so much worried about losing her to another guy (maybe a tiny bit). She's had chances to go with better looking, more successful guys and she hasn't taken it. My plan is just to see her like once a month and when we do see each other just hang out and have fun (like last night).

[Sukotto]

Go for that then but dont give her the letter, from personal experience this is bad even if it is you pouring out your heart. It might cause a tear when she reads it but in the long run she'll read it again and again and start picking out certain sections and making her own intepretations of what your saying. This might even scare her away and thats not what you want.

 

I have a fun activity planned with my ex on Saturday, we're going for dinner, to see a show then staying overnight in a top hotel before coming home the next day. Its been planned for weeks but since we've split up I've been going out with friends. I even met this cute girl called Alison through a friend that I seemed to hit it off with, to be honest even if this thing on Saturday goes well I'm not sure if i'd get back together at the moment. I'm enjoying being single in some aspects, though I do miss the security of the relationship.

 

I suggest you go at least meet some other female company, i'm not saying you start dating again but it would be good if you at least gave it a chance.