Should I give her this letter ?

[Urban Rubble01]

I have a fun activity planned with my ex on Saturday, we're going for dinner, to see a show then staying overnight in a top hotel before coming home the next day. Its been planned for weeks but since we've split up I've been going out with friends. I even met this cute girl called Alison through a friend that I seemed to hit it off with, to be honest even if this thing on Saturday goes well I'm not sure if i'd get back together at the moment. I'm enjoying being single in some aspects, though I do miss the security of the relationship.

 

That's cool man. How long have you guys been broken up ?

 

The thing with me is, I'm not enjoying single life at all, but I'm smart enough to know what's best for our future (if we should have one together). Alrhough I want her back more than anything, I'd have to force myself not to take her back right away because I know deep down that space will be necessary at this age if we're going to make it for the long haul.

 

I suggest you go at least meet some other female company, i'm not saying you start dating again but it would be good if you at least gave it a chance.

 

Yeah. It sucks because I compare every girl I see to her and find them inadequate simply for being different. Plus, she's Cambodian and I'm mostly attracted to asian women, so it's hard to find a girl of my type living in Seattle. Not a huge Cambodian population here =) I was going to see if this cute Korean girl in one of my classes wanted to go get some food but she's got a boyfriend. Ah well, I don't really want to hang out with girls anyway, it's more about forcing myself to just to see what it's like.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Urban Rubble01

edit: I feel that I should add this: I wouldn't take her back right this second anyway. Eventhough this is really tough on me, I've kind of felt for a while that this is something we need if we're going to be together for the rest of our lives. I know that we're young and that if we don't spend some time apart now that it might come back later in the relationship. I don't want her back NOW, I just want her to still love me and want to work it out EVENTUALLY. I don't want it to seem as if I'm trying to make this all go away, I'm not. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to keep things somewhat alive between us for the meantime.

 

I'm feeling the same thing. I always felt that the ex and I were going to have to spend some time apart somewhere in the future, that some sort of break would eventually be necessary. I can't explain why -- but I'm feeling the same way as you are in that for some time I've felt that this is something we would need sometime in the future.

 

One of the most positive things about a breakup where the future is open-ended and things could work out or they could not is that you're forced to get a grip on your own life that you may have slightly lost over the course of the relationship.

 

The best advice I've received about conquering fears is to do something that scares you every day.

Perhaps, then, it's important to let go of the most important person in your life for a while in order to stand on your own feet. Then you can welcome them back into your arms again with the confidence that your love can stand the test of not just geographical but emotional distance. (The bf and I lived four and a half hours apart from each other for about 9 months last year, but now that we're an hour apart, we're barely seeing each other over all this. Go figure.)

 

It's all for the best, I believe. Though we don't hear too many "success stories" about reunions after a break-up, I know every really, really long-term couple (as in lifetime commitment) couple I've met has seriously broken up at least once over the course of their relationship.

 

Space is good.

[flavius]

You're right, you don't understand what I am saying. That's because I keep talking about an identity problem, but you keep hair-splitting about "The Relationship." A kiss v. a hug, a movie versus a walk, a hotel versus a restaurant. What she said, what she did, what she wants...looking to her for the cue, the clue, the answer.

 

Ironically (and I'll bet you agree with this one) there really is nothing wrong with your relationship! You get along fine. There's no conflict. You genuinely care for one another. So then what's wrong? Why have things taken this awful turn??

 

You don't have a relationship problem, you have an IDENTITY PROBLEM. In all your torrent of syllables you have NOT ONCE characterized yourself, in any way, as anything other than some component of "The Relationship."

 

I never said that your Love is over, it's not. But you've got to release the white-knuckle grip on "The Relationship" and replace it with a real flesh and blood man. She can't love a Relationship forever, and she's outgrowing it now before your eyes. But she can love a MAN forever.

 

I urge you to find the Man buried in the Rubble, and introduce him to her. He WILL win her.

 

But don't screw around with your box of keepsakes too long, else some Cowboy who's already been to Timbuktu will be filling the space you can't. And once it's filled she won't be looking back.

 

Now if you think you might be understanding what this old Kentucky Homey is saying, then go back and read my first reply (before I insulted you 50 times ) Then saddle up.

 

(And for crying out loud, get yourself out of this echo chamber of advice. Just live.)

[Strike3]

You gotta just break it off with her for now and move on. Like I posted in the other thread, we are in the exact same situation. My girl wants her space, but says she still loves me more than life and wants to marry me someday. As long as you continue to dwell on her, you will not get any better and will learn nothing from this. I haven't talked to my girl at all for over two weeks and everyday I feel stronger and better about myself. During the first month of our breakup I did all of the crying, whining, bitching, blah blah blah too, but one day it hit me in the face how big of a pansey i had turned into. On that day she called asking a stupid question, I told her I would call her back if I found the answer and haven't heard from her since. During that phone call something clicked and right then and there all of the stuff that I have read on this board made sense and I got the strength to hang up without calling her for the last two weeks. The only contact I have had with her was an this email this past weekend that simply said, "Thanks for giving me my space," and nothing more. I replied with one of these....

 

Here is my advice to you, go get a job where you work a lot of hours, focus on school and go find yourself a sexy little 18 year old chick like I have to mess around with for the time being. You don't have to get intimate with anyone else, but it helps a lot to know that there are other people out there that desire you. Hit the gym, eat right, go tanning, do what you gotta do to make yourself better. The thing you have to learn is that you don't NEED her to be happy. You can be happy on your own.

[Urban Rubble01]

Well flavius, I'd be lying if I said that post cleared everything up But I'm kind of picking up on what you're saying. I do agree that I need to loosen up a little and stop worrying so much about the relationship. I'm trying, I really am. It's just hard you know ? It's only been a month, this is all pretty fresh and I'm still adjusting to life without talking to her everyday.

 

When you speak of this identity problem, what exactly do you mean ? Is that your way of saying that I need to just ease up ? Sorry to keep pounding on this, I guess "identity problem" is a bit of an abstract term to me.

 

Strike3

 

I did do a little of that crying and stuff, but I never bitched and I never asked for her back. Really I only cried around her when she told me and then a week after when we talked. The rest of the month I've been fairly upbeat when I talk to her and see her. I don't know, I think in our situation contact is fine. If she had outright screwed me over, yeah, I'd stop all contact. But we're on good terms and we're still alright together so I don't see myself breaking all contact. But I am going to ease up, not call for at least 2 weeks (unless she calls) and not see her for a month, maybe 2.

 

I'm going to try and seem more distant, more busy, but I can't just drop off the face of the earth. I don't want to, she doesn't want me to and so if I did it was just be game playing. And I don't want to play games. If I need to know something I'm just going to ask her.