Birds and Bees Fail Stories

[Feelin Frisky]

Did you have a parent give you the old "the birds and the bees" talk about what sex is and how did it go? My dad, rest his soul, was pretty pathetic at it. But I'm glad I could say he tried. I was 11 years of age and had just had the sacrament of "Confirmation" as a Catholic. My dad took me bowling and when walking home he told me the "facts of life". He said when you grow up and get married, (nyuck, nyuck) when a man and woman are feeling good about each other, they go dancing (nyuck, nyuck), then when they go home (nyuck, nyuck, nyuck) he takes his gizmo and puts it inside her gizmo.

 

I don't remember what happened right after that except being struck that no way did the next door neighbors--these old repressed prudsters do that (much less my dad and mom, eww). I had heard varying stories about sex but was still dubious. My dad really straightened me out on that. Nyuck, nyuck. Forever forward that has been thought of as my "gizmo moment".

 

Ladies, gents. I wonder how it has gone with others. How did your baptism into carnal knowledge go?

[quankanne]

I honestly don't remember my mom having 'the talk' with me, but thank heavens for girlfriends! Then there was the copy of "The Joy of Sex" that my brother left at the house with some of his other effects because he was being assigned overseas and didn't want to haul a lot of crap with them. Friend and I had lots of fun looking at naughty pictures.

 

however, it's the "our bodies" talk during my junior high years from the school nurse that stands out most in my head: I grew up in a small South Texas town that was predominantly Catholic, so yeah, in the mid-70s, it was still pretty conservative. Mrs. Fahrenthold gave the low-down on our reproductive systems, how babies were made and her version of birth control: "Girls, keep your panties on!"

 

only later, as a coed, did I realize her advice didn't quite work, because you could still get some without ever taking your panties off!!! :p:p

[todreaminblue]

I struggle talking to my girls about sex.but they are pretty open with me....where sometimes....i just want to go lalalalalalala....not listening..but i listen and try to not reach for the softball bat and go hunting......and have to play the dad role

 

 

 

my youngest teen daughter...prefers to talk about basketball..she hears sperm mentioned and she gets this glazed look right before she takes off for her room at a very fast gallop......and i am fine with that....lay ups, slam dunks, basketball.......yay.....all good......

 

my mum gave me the "talk" just after i turned five........it wasnt a good talk......but a necessary one.....dont remember much of it.......i just know that she had to tell me...i do believe in educating girls young about what is right and what is not and that not to be confused by smooth talkign lotharios..and that sex is something that should be done with love firmly in place.....preferably when they are thrity and married first......i do my best.......to try to teach them ...that sex is part of life......just shouldnt be part of theirs until they are committed to someone who loves them and would marry them first ....deb

[CarrieT]

My parents had a book on the shelf, Human Sexuality, that I just read long before they had the talk with me.

 

Unfortunately, it taught me things like parthenogenesis -- the ability to get pregnant without intercourse -- and I was convinced that it happened to me at the age of 13 when I was in a jacuzzi with a bunch of boys; assuming one of them had a boner and ejaculated and the warm water was enough to keep the sperm alive and into me...

 

A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.

[Feelin Frisky]

I talked about this with my mom after starting this thread to see if she recalls having any part in what my dad did. She was very surprised that dad would do that. I said "I guess he thought it his fatherly duty". Naturally her parents never said a word to her so she just conveyed the denial.

 

This trip down memory lane made me recall the first time I did LSD. I (16 years of age) was in the bed zooming around in my head while my brothers were watching TV. I got up and went outside to where the rest of the family was. My dad's sister had just materialized and I hadn't seen her since I was a chubby boy. I had gone on a crash diet a year before, lost all the baby fat, was 6'-2' and 175. I found that aunt looking at me lecherously. I could feel her eyes all over me. And that drooling grin. So, I decided to go out and walk around the block. Maybe a friend might come out. As I turned on to the block it appeared quiet. Then as I walked up a little I heard voices. I looked down and between two parked cars were two boys. One was on his knees and the other standing. The one on his knees was batting the other one's dick back and forth and up and down with his finger. Being a prude and definitely my mother's son on such things my hair nearly stood on end. The acid rushed and I felt like I was on weird planet. The boy on his knees started protesting that he "wasn't doin' nothin'". Maybe if I weren't high like that I would have messed with his head and threatened to tell his mother, but I was too freaked out seeing something like that. My thoughts were OMFG what next? I hadn't had a g/f yet but it seemed sex was encroaching on my young birds and bees life. I wound up never letting what I saw get around but it's kind of a hoot to think about how that kid on his knees would have reacted of I would have dragged him to his mother. Just sharin'.

[Feelin Frisky]

Let's hear some good and bad "birds and bees" experiences. Anyone give the speech as a parent to their kids? How did that go?

[TaraMaiden]

My parents never, ever EVER spoke to me about anything, ever.

I used to babysit for this wonderful Canadian couple, who had the most glorious little boy, (who must be in his early 40's now!! ) and a wonderful black-and-white cocker Spaniel called "Habibi". Why I remember that, I don't know....but there began my love of dogs....

and the mom was considerably younger than mine, very hip, modern, level-headed and sensible.

 

We used to chat about all kinds of things and I think she guessed I was an absolute greenhorn... so she bought me a wonderful book titled "Everywoman".

 

I make sure I have a current copy on my shelf, when it's re-published.

I still have one, even today. It's brilliant.

[Eggplant]

Still waiting for that talk...

[HokeyReligions]

Sex ed class in grade school. Mom had to sign a release for me to attend and they gave us pamphlets to take home. When I came home mom had the book "Alice doesn't live here any more" for me to read. She could NOT talk about sex. All she said was you have to be in love and married.

 

I used to watch soap operas with her in summer and every kissing scene she would get quiet and not look at me so I did the same. You could'nt cut the frozen silence with a chain saw. After the "dirty" scene everything would return to normal as though we skipped over those moments in time. This was 1960's TV so you know there was nothing like what we have today on TV. I felt shameful for even being curious.

 

I was open and honest with my kids.

Edited June 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
deleted duplicate text

[Feelin Frisky]

I wonder what oes through parents heads when they decide to abdicate this responsibility. Is it mostly a fall-back on religion? i.e. "god will provide"? If so, that is truly pathetic.

[kobekobekobe]

Great idea for a thread!

 

My (strict Catholic raised) Mum was about 2 years too late! Even then, as soon as I cottoned on what she was about to try to say I scarpered pretty quick. This coming from a woman I was too shy to even tell I had my period! I had to hide it for months until it became obvious.

 

I don't have children, but if I do I hope to be very open with them from the beginning. To treat sex any other way definitely causes lots of unnecessary worries and guilt about being 'dirty' for absolutely no good reason!

 

I know my sister's mother in law took it upon herself to explain everything to my niece who was around 7/8 at the time without asking my sister or her partner. Understandably she was rather annoyed!

[ASG]

My mom bought me some sex ed books for kids. They had loads of pictures (drawings) and I was mesmerised (and very embarrassed) by them. They did teach me a lot about what sex was and exactly what went where!

Years later (and already too late), my mom tried to have the contraception talk with me. Saying that, if I ever had a boyfriend, I should get on the pill, to make sure I wouldn't get pregnant.

She was driving and I could tell she was as mortified as I was. I didn't tell her I had a BF, who wasn't the person she was thinking of (everyone thought I was dating a friend... but I was actually dating someone else) and we kinda just pretended the conversation never happened. I then made up some excuse about why I thought it was a good idea to get on the pill and off to the doctor I went!

[2sure]

My daughter loved animals when she was little and we used to ride horses at a stable twice a week. One night during that time she asked me where babies came from . She was 7. I was caught off guard. I told her people mated just like the horses we saw. She was appalled of course. Then she asked if I had done that with her dad. We are not amicable. Then I had to explain immaculate conception. Then she told me all she really wanted to know was which hole the baby came out of.

 

Not my finest parenting.

[Feelin Frisky]

My daughter loved animals when she was little and we used to ride horses at a stable twice a week. One night during that time she asked me where babies came from . She was 7. I was caught off guard. I told her people mated just like the horses we saw. She was appalled of course. Then she asked if I had done that with her dad. We are not amicable. Then I had to explain immaculate conception. Then she told me all she really wanted to know was which hole the baby came out of.

 

Not my finest parenting.

 

Ha. There was a lot of misinformation in my youth about where the baby came from. And for a while I was told that sperm and piss don't come out the same hole and another hole would be opening as I get older. I used to inspect myself for signs of the oncoming hole. Dad wasn't all that helpful with his gizmo talk.

[Feelin Frisky]

Great idea for a thread!

 

My (strict Catholic raised) Mum was about 2 years too late! Even then, as soon as I cottoned on what she was about to try to say I scarpered pretty quick. This coming from a woman I was too shy to even tell I had my period! I had to hide it for months until it became obvious.

 

I don't have children, but if I do I hope to be very open with them from the beginning. To treat sex any other way definitely causes lots of unnecessary worries and guilt about being 'dirty' for absolutely no good reason!

 

I know my sister's mother in law took it upon herself to explain everything to my niece who was around 7/8 at the time without asking my sister or her partner. Understandably she was rather annoyed!

 

I talked to my mom about my dad approaching me about the birds and bees way back in the day. She had no knowledge of him doing that and asked if I was dreaming. Jeez. I know my own reality. Anyway, she told me that no one told her about periods, and when she had her first she was running around freaking and asking to be taken to a doctor. He aunts laughed. I laughed at the image. Mom is such a prude.