Guys-does playing hard to get or unavailable really work?

[Pumpkin]

Hi Everyone,

 

I could really use your help! I'm going to try to make this very short...here's my story, hope you find it interesting and you can give me some advice:

 

Was seeing this guy (I'll call him Steve) from work for a little while. Stopped dating because I was nagging him for always wanting to be with his friends, I really apologized etc., asked if he wanted to get back together he said that he wanted to be alone right now. Steve also works at a bar that I always go to on the weekends. He started coming around again and spending time with me when I was out but nothing ever happened. My ex was in town a few weekends ago and my friends wanted us to come down to the bar so we went. Steve was working and wouldn't leave me alone, I introduced him to my ex (he already knew that we were friends). Steve seemed to get very jealous. Then again I see him on Wednesday at the bar and also on the weekend, but that Saturday Steve and I ended up hooking up after the bar (we had already been sexual when we were seeing each other). After that, he never called, saw him at work and he would just smile so I thought screw him, I went out with someone else the next Saturday and my date wanted to go there to see a band (one of the best bars in town) tried to talk the date out of it but couldn't so we went.

 

Steve was working and when my date went to the bathroom he came over and we chatted about the band and stuff. I was worried about my date coming back so I told him that I was on a date and didn't want to come here (I wanted him to know that I wasn't rubbing it in his face) but my date did. He smiled and walked away. Later I text him that "I wish it was last Saturday instead". He read it and smiled. Now I know that Steve is a whore (I hate this about him but he was faithful when we were together) and I didn't want him picking up anyone so I texted him when I left, it said "Don't be a whore. I care too much about you. Bye hun! I'm trashed but this is real. I miss you!" I had drank too much and my real feelings were showing. He texted back "Not whoring around, going home by myself. Because I want to, not for anyone else".

 

The next week (which was last week) I texted him at work and we texted all week about maybe doing something if he didn't have to work. On Friday, I texted to see if he was going to be off, he said he was off but going out of town and wouldn't be in till late. I never responded. Friday night at 2am he texted and said "R u up? back in town" I wrote back where I was and asked where he was. Didn't hear back so at 2:30am I left the bar and called him to tell him I was going home and if he wanted to see me that he would have to call me right away. He called twice about a half hour later but I was already sleeping and he texted that he "just got my message but you must be sleeping" Next day, Saturday, I texted that I was asleep and he took to long to respond. For that night, Steve knows that I always go to his bar on Saturday but this time I didn't. I guess because he knew that he would see me and I wanted him to wonder where I was. I don't want to make it that easy for him by showing up at his bar, especially since we ended up not going out and he was off on Friday.

 

Today at work, I had to talk to him about something he turned in. His boss walked in on the conversation and he kinda got in trouble for turning something in wrong. I texted Steve that I was sorry about that, I was trying to help not get him in trouble. I walked over to him later and asked if he got my text, he said "no, what did it say?" (with a big smile on his face) I said that I wrote that I was sorry for earlier. He stopped smiling and said that it was okay, he didn't really get in trouble and turned around and kept working. So I walked away. I think he thought that I wrote something about us and when he found out that it was about work he got down.

 

My friends told me to play hard to get and not seem available so I guess that's what I started to do as of Saturday. Am I right by doing this? Will it work? Has it worked for any of you? How long does it take to work? And how long should I not go to the bar? How can I tell if it is working during this process? I fell for Steve, he knows I care but doesn't realize how much, and I really want to be with him again. He's a great guy (except for the whore thing but I know he doesn't cheat in a relationship). What can I do? Please help me!!!

[SavesTheDay]

Hmm... I'm playing hard to get. It's working quite well. =D

 

I think you're overanalyzing the problem and making it more difficult for yourself. Take it easy and relax. =D

[dizi]

So, on the Saturday that you and your ex went to the bar you ended up with Steve? Then he didn't call, so you thought 'screw you'. The next weekend you brought another guy to the bar and then text messaged him saying you wished it were the Saturday you had been with him instead. Then a week later on Friday (you didn't mention whether he made any contact) you messaged him asking if he wanted to hook up. Then as a "punishment" for not calling you soon enough, you didn't go to the bar on Saturday-to make him wonder. I agree with your friends, that you shouldn't appear to be too available to him, but don't make this obvious either. I wouldn't suggest that you stop going to his bar altogether, especially if you have a habit of going every weekend-go with your girlfriends and have a good time-that is if you and your girlfriends go out there together... But don't bring guys there and then text Steve saying you wish you were with him! When you see him at work, smile like nothing is wrong, and I mean nothing-like he'll be wondering what you're happy about, get it? But really do be happy about just being you, you know? You'll know it's working when he asks what you are doing this weekend I know this isn't much-sorry!! I wish you the best of luck!

[Papillon]

Playing hard to get is stupid.

 

You either want the guy or you don't. Why waste time?

 

Don't get it.

 

Girl plays hard to get with me, I say bye bye. If I wanted to play games, I'd go visit an arcade.

[bluetuesday]

hey pumpkin

 

it's a sad fact but playing games will work with some guys. just not the ones it's worth getting your knickers in a twist about.

 

a guy being more interested in you when you're less interested in him makes zero sense to me. no decent guy would treat someone they respected like this.

 

don't play games. ditch this kid and find a man who knows what he's got when he's with you.

[DJ_Dork]

Go ahead play hard to get. I'll play hard to get too and look for other girls that aren't hard to get.

 

Trust me women. Your value on this earth is not that high unless your smart or beautiful.

[bluetuesday]

Originally posted by DJ_Dork

Trust me women. Your value on this earth is not that high unless your smart or beautiful.

 

cool name.

[dizi]

Look, nobody likes an eager beaver. No one wants to be hunted down by someone desperate. Not being too available for this guy is NOT "playing games" or hard to get. It's just living your life. If he doesn't pursue anything this week- call you, try to make plans, whatever- I'd move on. Don't lift a finger or give a second thought. You've done a lot more than I would've done for this guy's attention. You've made it quite obvious in my opinion that you like him. You slept with him. He didn't call. Who's playing the games??? See, some guys sleep with girls and won't tell them their true intention-to sleep with you and not talk to you until they want to sleep with you again-and they just figure you KNOW this. Then the girl is freaking out like you are, trying to figure out a way to KEEP his attention. Why won't he just come right out and say-I just wanted to get laid...because he'd probably like it to happen again sometime. DUH!! Guys play games. Don't play stupid, boys...Of course, if a girl plays "hard to get" why would a guy waste their time-they're HARD TO GET! What would be the point-it's better when it's easy, huh? Sheesh...

[Mary3]

Great Post Papillion ! "If I want to play games I will go to the arcade:" rrflmmfao !!!

[Pumpkin]

Hi guys! Thanks for your responses!!!!

 

Well, here's a little update...he seemed to be in a bad mood at work on Wednesday, so I sent him a text saying "Are you in a bad mood today? Sam (my best friend-girl) and I are going out for a drink, you could meet us?" Never heard back from him. Thursday the normal...hello/goodbye talk. Friday see him in the morning, he was joking with me and another guy, when the other guy left, I asked Steve if he was going to text me this weekend. He smiled and said he didn't know what he was doing. He said he wanted to get into trouble and he planned on only being at the bar for an hour on Saturday. People came over so we stopped talking. I texted him "If you want to get into trouble, get into trouble with me". I didn't get to see him again after I sent that.

 

He texted me last night at 12:15 am and wrote "I'm bored". It came twice, his phone is all messed up. I wrote him back "where r u?" never heard anything. So at 1am I called him and left a message where we were and that we would be leaving soon and not sure where we were going but to call me if he wanted to get together. Never heard from him.

 

His phone is all messed up and he keeps telling me that he don't get most of the texts. So I texted him again at 2:30 saying where we were going and still never heard anything. At 4am I'm taking my friend home that lives right by him so we have to pass his house and only his car is there and all the lights were out.

 

I don't get this. I thought he didn't write back because he picked up someone else but he was home by himself. I'm not sure what to think now. Why would he go home and not see me...especially when he started it. Or could he never have went out and was too embarrassed to tell me. Or could he had to work at the bar and left early and went to sleep.

 

Last weekend he didn't get my messages for almost an hour later, so could he have fallen asleep.

 

Can anyone give me their best guess on this one. I won't ask him what happened. I hope he texts me tonight. I really want to see him ... I'm just confused by what happened last night.

 

Hope you all are having a great day!! And thanks for you responses and anymore help you can give me!

[dizi]

Hey, Pumpkin...

 

So, did he text you last night? It sounds like he needs a new phone, eh? Well, I wouldn't get your panties all in a bundle over this guy if I were you. Why couldn't he just call you if he wanted to get together-if his phone is all messed up he could use a different phone, for crying out loud. "I asked Steve if he was going to text me this weekend. He smiled and said he didn't know what he was doing. He said he wanted to get into trouble and he planned on only being at the bar for an hour on Saturday. " If he wanted to hang out with you, wouldn't he just come right out and say-yeah, I'll text you, and we should get together???

 

If I were you, like I said before, I wouldn't lift a finger to call or text him. Let him make a move!! HE could be playing games with you... "I'm bored" and then leaving you hanging, calling and text messaging him... Just leave him alone. Try your hardest!! If he wants you, he'll make the move. He knows you're interested-you make that very obvious.

 

Good luck Keep us informed

[unimoko]

I'm going to suggest something radical.

 

Maybe its not him but rather you. Instead of asking a bunch of total strangers about a independent person you can't control ask yourself why are your trying to figure about a DISTANT independent person.

 

A lot of time people (women particulary) deal with the rejection and distance from people because somewhere inside they don't believe that they aren't worthy. And the idea get's reinforced by seeking out unavaliable people. Exp. You meet Sleezy Sam, sleep with him and expect him to make a realtionship. We first of all he is SLEEZY, if he was a good guy from the begining he would get to know you before he wanted to have sex. Then you pour more energy into something that had no chance of progressing to begin with. Like trying to move a car with no wheels.

 

My advice hear isn't figuring him out. Its figuring you out.

 

Why are you settling for less?

 

Best Luck

 

-the Unimoko

[Pumpkin]

Thank you guys for you great responses! He's so just playing games with me. He texted me Saturday afternoon for a while, telling me that he fell asleep on Friday and that he was still sick on Saturday. He said he was going to a birthday party then coming home to sleep. We talked about maybe seeing each other later but I never heard from him. As I said before, he lives on a main street so when I was out with my girlfriends, she passed by his house at 12:45 am and he was home alone and I could tell the tv was on. I texted him about 1am and said "How are you feeling?" Never heard back. The next day around 4 I sent the same text. And he responded that he wanted to go to sleep. And I responded with why can't you sleep? He said "Not home". I asked if he was working and he never responded. So about an hour later I sent one that said "Why do you do that? Why no response back?" Never heard anything. I think he was working and he just wants me to wonder where he is.

 

Well, today, I avoided him at the first break, went early so I wouldn't have to see him. I did run into him at the soda machine at lunch though. We were standing right next to each other at the machine and he just kept staring at me. I was on the phone and he heard me say that I would be home in 5 minutes. When I hung up, he was still there so I asked "How are you feeling today?" He told me that he was better but his back hurt. I said "Okay, see ya". He was said, "Oh, ah okay, have fun" as I was walking away.

 

I'm sick of this. You guys are right. I don't know what he really feels and I don't think that he will ever tell me. I think that he is just trying to keep me interested, but at this point he's not doing a good job even at that. I'm tired of the games and I want him to know that. I still want to be with him but this is too much work. I want to send him a text but I'm not sure if I should. This is what I would like it to say..."I really care about you and want to be with you, but it's clear you don't and I was just #43. I tried for a 2nd chance and you won't. So I give up. Bye" I want to send this so bad but I'm afraid of the outcome and I don't know if it is the right timing or not. He, though it hasn't been much has atleast been contacting me again for the last 2 weekends and that's more then I've been getting. Remember we didn't talk for a while after we broke up and then when we did talk it was because he would see me out and come over. So atleast now, he is actually contacting me and I did hear from him everyday this weekend and I know he wasn't with anyone else so I'm just not sure what to do. I already know that he is going away this coming weekend for DUI school. (Sounds worse then it is, they pass out DUI's around here like they are on sale). So what do you think? Should I send the message? What do you think his reaction will be? I would hope that he would come back stronger but maybe he won't come at all.

 

I appreciate your help!!! Thanks again and I hope you are enjoying your day!

[Mary3]

It seems as though he really is not interested in persuing you.

 

You call him alot and get alot of BS excuses and you drive by his house and find he is watching TV ....He finds TV more interesting than you...

 

Go find someone who actually wants to be with you !

[dizi]

AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!! How many times do I have to tell you, girlfriend??? Don't bother with him anymore! And from what you're telling us now, I really think you should forget about him altogether! I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I've been in a similar situation before. That's why I know that it's best for you to run, not walk, away from this situation. Don't text him or call him. When he text's you, don't respond. I think it's BS that his phone isn't working, anyway. If he really liked you it would bother him a little more that it's not working right and he isn't able to respond to you. If, after he tries to contact you and you don't respond, he comes up to you at work and asks you 'what's up?' , tell him that you aren't interested in playing games and walk away.

 

If you send him that message like you want to, he'll say he never got it - you can count on that. And, knowing he actually DID get it, you'll feel like an idiot. Save yourself from this! He's a wuss, dear. He might be gorgeous and great in bed or something, but he sounds really dumb. I know how much it can hurt, believe me, and maybe you'll have to get knocked around a bit to get it through your head. I know it's all easier said than done...Your girlfriends are probably telling you all the same stuff I am... But you're right - it IS too much work. So QUIT!!!!

[squints4ever]

The girl I am currently interested seems to be playing hard to get, and all I can say is that it makes me think about her a lot. But I won't break and tel her I like her because once I do that then she won't flirt with me anymore. Because I heard for both guys and girls that nothing looks better than somethin you can't have.

[Devildog]

Sounds like both of you are playing games, so why are you getting mad at him about it? Why don't you come out and tell him how you feel or ask him if he is interested. You show up at the bar he works at with a different flavor of the week. If you are talking about having a commited relationship with him then why play games and flaunt other guys at him?

[pumpkin]

I did tell him how I felt about 6 or 7 weeks ago and he didn't want to get back together. Said that he wanted to be alone and it wasn't about me. Whatever, I know better. So I started dating other people and that's when he's been coming back around. I have told him twice since then that I care about him. The last time about 3 weeks ago. I definately show it. I'm just so confused. Are you saying that I need to tell him again how I feel about him? Doesn't that make me look desparate since I have already twice?

 

Yesterday, on break he came over and stood right next to me and as he was making a phone call, person must of not of answered so he hung up and started chit chatting with me. Walked away, then came right back and stood right in front of me and made another call. One of the other guys at work came up to ask me a question and he walked away. It was very strange. Like he wanted me to hear his conversation, he's never done that before. Infact, at work, he won't even really stand by me unless we are talking so that no one knows that anything is going on.

 

Today, I was talking on the phone to a friend at work and telling her about my friend (a guy) that came over last night to help with my computer. I was laughing and telling her how I had to tell my sister to leave us alone (so that we could work). When I turned around he was right there and heard some of the conversation, but he didn't hear that the guy was just a friend and that he was over to fix the computer. I had to go out to him later and ask him a question about his paperwork and he didn't even talk to me. Just nodded. I don't get this. Is he jealous?

 

What is really going on here???? What is it that I should say? Did you read my text message that i wanted to send in the earlier posts, do you think I should send it? Dizi (great posts) thinks that I shouldn't. Thanks for your help

[stormywind]

The girl I am currently interested seems to be playing hard to get, and all I can say is that it makes me think about her a lot. But I won't break and tel her I like her because once I do that then she won't flirt with me anymore. Because I heard for both guys and girls that nothing looks better than somethin you can't have.

 

At some point, for a relationship to develop, the playing hard to get has to stop. And then what do you have?

[stormywind]

I fell for Steve, he knows I care but doesn't realize how much, and I really want to be with him again. He's a great guy (except for the whore thing but I know he doesn't cheat in a relationship). What can I do? Please help me!!!

 

I feel bad for you because I've been where you are way too many times. It's hard to do (and I'm not good at it) but when you see this happen ---run away fast. It's less painful that way.

[Pumpkin]

Well, I did it. I talked to him and this is how it went...

 

On Wednesday, I sent him a text about a half hour before he left work and said "Was last Saturday a joke? Were you joking?" No response, so I was out there smoking and told him to call me. He did when he got in the car a few minutes later. I asked if he got my text, he said yes and said that he was kinda joking but he still would of liked to get together. I said you don't have any respect for me. He said that he has a ton of respect for me. I told him that I didn't want to nor will I be his booty call. He said that he hasn't and never would think of me that way. He said that if it was about a booty call he would of called his regular booty call (I already know all about this girl, he stopped seeing her when he was with me). I told him that I didn't want to be her because he didn't care about her, he said that he never would or could think of me like that. I asked him if when we were together a month ago, that was a booty call right. He said it wasn't to him (he did stare into my eyes for the whole two hours, so I it didn't feel like it was just a booty call). I said it felt that way afterwards and he said he was sorry that he never meant to give that impression.

 

Anyways, I told him that I want more, I don't need to be in a relationship but would like to date him and spend time with him, other then at the bar when I show up or late at night when he texts. He said that his life is out of control right now and that he can't even think about dating. Since he had a DUI, he's a target and keeps getting pulled over and motor vehicles still has his license listed as suspended even though it isn't and he has to go to court again. He said that he can't spend any money because he needs to get his truck fixed so that he can drive that. He also said that he hasn't been going out because he just doesn't want to. I told him that I understand all of this, I think he is really depressed right now. I told him that we could watch a movie together sometime and that doesn't cost anything. He made a noise and I said, "what is that too much to ask?" I can't remember what he said back.

 

I told him that I'm frustrated and need to know if this was going to go anywhere. That I didn't move on when we broke up and I probably should of but I will move on now, if it isn't. I asked him if I should move on, he said he didn't know and wouldn't tell me one way or the other. We started to talk about something different for a few minutes and I brought it back up. I said that I tell him how I feel and he needs to do the same for me. I told him that I don't care if it is good or bad but I need to know, I can't keep doing this. He said, that he didn't know what was going to happen but he can't even think about dating right now, so I said...that means I should move on. He said he guesses, because right now he can't think about this. So I said okay. Thanks for the answers, I appreciate that we had this conversation. We hung up.

 

Later I texted him (I started to feel bad because I was pressuring him and his life is so screwed up right now that I wanted him to know that I still care ) I wrote: Thank u for the talk and answers earlier. I think you are a good guy and I hope someday you will change your mind but now I can give up. I hope we are still friends. I will always care for you and be there if you need me. Bye hun"

 

He never responded. The next day (Thurs), he walked past me and didn't even look at me. I'm not sure why...is he mad at me? I don't know. He left early and texted me later asking about paychecks if they were done (Payroll is part of my job) I said they were and that I could drop it off to him because I have to go his way anyway to get to the pharmacy after work. He said, no that he had to get to the bank before that so he would come in. I told him I was just trying to help, and I hope this weekend (he goes to that DUI thing) goes okay. He responded, thanks. He wasn't at work today since the DUI training weekend started on Thursday night.

 

I thought it would make me feel better to get all of this off my chest and just say what I feel but in the end I feel hurt. I'm getting mixed thoughts from my friends, one said I never ment anything to him and he doesn't want to be with me. The other said that he cares about me and I should be able to see that and that when things calm down for him that he will probably come back around. What do you think.

 

You guys are great and I appreciate all your advice. I hope you think I did the right thing. Please let me know.

[dizi]

Pumpkin....

 

"I told him that we could watch a movie together sometime and that doesn't cost anything. He made a noise and I said, "what is that too much to ask?" I can't remember what he said back. "

 

Well, it sounds like he made a bunch of excuses why he WON'T see you when you offered solutions as to how you COULD. If you haven't by now, I hope that you have decided that it IS TIME to move on. Don't make anymore efforts on your part. I do think that you did the right thing by confronting him with your feelings, since you felt you needed to do this... However, I wouldn't hold on, text messaging him, calling him, "helping him", etc, thinking that he will "come around" when his life gets in order. If you suggest a movie or just hanging out and he grunts or whatever, is this really someone you want to spend time with? That you want to BE with?

 

"Later I texted him (I started to feel bad because I was pressuring him and his life is so screwed up right now that I wanted him to know that I still care )"

 

OF COURSE he knows you care. You weren't pressuring him, really. The only thing you were pressuring him about is that he had to decide whether or not to keep you as a booty call. Sorry, but that's what I'm picking up. So you told him what you wanted and asked him to tell you what he wanted. Why do you think that was "pressure"?? You are giving this guy WAY too much credit. Why didn't he talk to you the next day? Because he's an *SS!!!

 

OMG, I could go on and on. I know that telling him hurt you. I tried to tell you not to bother, but I know that sometimes you have to experience these things yourself before you learn from them. I'm sorry that I go off on you the way I do-I just hate to see nice people get hurt when they could avoid it. You really seem like a nice person who wants a good thing. Don't settle for less. And don't rush into anything, either! Re-read what Unimoko had to say back there. A VERY good point was made. Start to make yourself believe that you are WORTHY of a good relationship!!! Say it as a mantra!! Stress different words everytime you say it. Write it down 25 times a day in a notebook!! You can do this....Take care of yourself!!!! Dizi