New Guy Here: Seperated

[tooch926]

Hey all.

 

This situation just plain sucks.

 

<My wife> and I have been together for 8 years, married almost 4.

 

I was on Cymbalta and it stopped working. Bad news. Withdrawls out the butt.

 

She was supportive at first, but wanted me to try and go without meds.

 

She was up and down then said we should seek couples counseling.

 

We did. We made it 2 times. Now she sees her own counselor and I see mine.

 

She said she'll try couples counseling again after she gets her head on straight but can't guarantee anything.

 

I've been out of the house for over a month now and am a complete mess.

 

I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, see anyone. Work is even tougher.

 

I look for emails and texts constantly all day from her and get excited when I see something from her.

 

We don't have children, but have 3 dogs which we both love dearly. That's all she'll talk about with me.

 

She says she loves me, but not as much in a romantic way anymore.

 

It's been a vicious cycle. At first, she wants to work on it. She still does, but on her own and on my own.

 

She says to have this "wall" up where she doesn't feel anything, but seems normal to me.

 

I want to talk this out with her, but she says she wants space.

 

For example, we emailed all week, but talking about the situation, she shuts off.

 

Maybe I haven't given her the space that she wants? We still text, but sometimes it gets out of control on my part because she'll ignore me.

 

She did that this morning.

 

She said, "Let me fix what's in my head and we'll be fine".

 

Is she saying that to make me feel better?

 

I've told her help me with the pain and just tell me yes or no with us, but she can't give me an answer.

 

The house is in her name, I don't know what to do about that. She makes triple what I do.

 

I just bought a hot tub that is in my name, but have used it once. What do I do about that? Can it be moved into her name?

 

I might be rambling, but what should I do? Leave her alone until she's ready to talk? Or cut it off?

 

I'm so confused because she can't give me answers.

 

I love her so much and want this to work, but can't make her love me.

 

Please, anyone. Help me with this.

 

I may not have said everything that needs to be said, but my frame of mind is not good right now.

 

Please help.

Edited June 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[macy]

First, did you consult a doctor before you stopped the medication. You should never go cold turkey like that. I think you should go see your doctor first and foremost because of this. Just because Cymbalta stopped working there are other choices out there you could try. You can't "will" your way out of depression. It's a very common illness many suffer from and nothing at all to be ashamed of. Similarly, you can't "will" your way out of an infection. Sometimes, with time, your body can fight it off and other times it can't and needs help from medical intervention. Divorce/separation is very hard and I hurt for you. I know how you feel! I do. But you will be able to cope better when you can get a handle on any medical condition you might have. It's going to be ok. Try very hard not to

contact her. It will only make you both feel worse. Breathe! Get out and take a walk. Rent a movie. Read a book. You will be ok. There are very wise and helpful people here. I mostly lurk and gather strength from others stories and advice. You won't feel so alone here. Just read. Post like a diary if you must. That helps me. Hang in there!

[tooch926]

First, did you consult a doctor before you stopped the medication. You should never go cold turkey like that. I think you should go see your doctor first and foremost because of this. Just because Cymbalta stopped working there are other choices out there you could try. You can't "will" your way out of depression. It's a very common illness many suffer from and nothing at all to be ashamed of. Similarly, you can't "will" your way out of an infection. Sometimes, with time, your body can fight it off and other times it can't and needs help from medical intervention. Divorce/separation is very hard and I hurt for you. I know how you feel! I do. But you will be able to cope better when you can get a handle on any medical condition you might have. It's going to be ok. Try very hard not to

contact her. It will only make you both feel worse. Breathe! Get out and take a walk. Rent a movie. Read a book. You will be ok. There are very wise and helpful people here. I mostly lurk and gather strength from others stories and advice. You won't feel so alone here. Just read. Post like a diary if you must. That helps me. Hang in there!

 

Thank you for the reply.

 

I was weened off of it. It STOPPED working. <My wife> wanted me to make sure that really needed it.

 

I have that situation under control now, but it doesn't help with the sadness.

 

I just communicated with her. She's frustrated that I ask the same questions a lot.

 

It's hard. Should I let her contact me about things? We're still tied with the dogs, finances.

 

It's hard not to text her, email her. I miss her like crazy, but can't make her love me the way I want her to.

 

Is distance bad? Too much of it? I feel that it makes us drift apart rather than grow fonder.

 

Could all the communication be negating what we're trying to achieve?

 

Is there something I can do to make myself not care anymore??????

Edited June 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[WreckedDan]

You are in the perfect position to use the 180 and still have a shot at it being usefull.. stick with counciling, check with your MD about maybe going on a lower does of what you were on to help you get evened out. Stick to the 180 as best you can while she is working on herself and I think you have a shot at pulling through.

 

Just my 2©

Dan

[macy]

I would, for now, not contact her unless absolutely necessary. I remember the feelings you are having right now... You don't feel like anything could make you feel better and nothing makes you feel worse! She needs time and space and you feel like holding on for dear life. I've been in both positions in my divorce process. Sounds corny and cliche but if you care for her like you say, I'd give her space and stop asking questions. I found with mine and close friends who have gone through sep. and divorce the "answers" come out in time. Sometimes it's not the answers we want but that's what we get. Try to take very day, hour, minute, second at a time. KNOW that it WILL get better with time. I hated hearing that initially and surely didn't believe it, but it does! Get up and out of the house. Force yourself to do something constructive even if it sounds like climbing the tallest mountain just to go to the grocery store. Hang in there. Focus on you and not her. It doesn't mean you don't love her.

[tooch926]

You are in the perfect position to use the 180 and still have a shot at it being usefull.. stick with counciling, check with your MD about maybe going on a lower does of what you were on to help you get evened out. Stick to the 180 as best you can while she is working on herself and I think you have a shot at pulling through.

 

Just my 2©

Dan

 

What do you mean by the 180?

[macy]

No, there is nothing you can do to make you not care anymore. We all wish that sometimes, me included. It means you're human with real feelings. That's a good thing!!

[tooch926]

I would, for now, not contact her unless absolutely necessary. I remember the feelings you are having right now... You don't feel like anything could make you feel better and nothing makes you feel worse! She needs time and space and you feel like holding on for dear life. I've been in both positions in my divorce process. Sounds corny and cliche but if you care for her like you say, I'd give her space and stop asking questions. I found with mine and close friends who have gone through sep. and divorce the "answers" come out in time. Sometimes it's not the answers we want but that's what we get. Try to take very day, hour, minute, second at a time. KNOW that it WILL get better with time. I hated hearing that initially and surely didn't believe it, but it does! Get up and out of the house. Force yourself to do something constructive even if it sounds like climbing the tallest mountain just to go to the grocery store. Hang in there. Focus on you and not her. It doesn't mean you don't love her.

 

I'm out of the house now for about a month, but I think I still haven't given her the space she wants.

 

She said today that she needs to get herself fixed before we can work on us.

 

I'm more proactive. I want to fix things now.

 

Maybe patience isn't my thing.

[macy]

By "out of the house" I meant like exercising, go to a store, movies, etc. It'll make you feel worse ( and not help at all) to sit and stew over everything. For me, and others (through reading their stories) in the initial few days of shock and overwhelming sadness you have to let yourself feel all those crappy things but also help yourself by going through the motions of trying to have a normal life as possible. I'm honest when I say I don't remember the first few days even weeks post "that's it, it's over" talk with my ex. It's a fog. I just focused on 1 day at a time, exercised when I would've rather stayed in bed and cried, read books, rented movies, played with my kids, and of course worked. Hang tough. By the other posters "180" comment I gather (and they are right) you have to turn around completely and focus your behaviors in the other direction from what you are doing right now.

[macy]

Give her space. It'll help you too. Do it for you

[Yasuandio]

When I read your post - I recognize that you are presenting yourself in a rattled sort of way. "The hot tub, it is mine, is it hers, if she owns the house...." This is understandable. But I have to wonder if it might be your brain chemistry speaking as well - because of what you told us about ubruptly stoping Cymbalta. This is my initial impression and suggestions:

 

#1. <Your wife> is not your prescribing doctor.

 

#2. Try No Contact for 90 days. That will fix her head real fast.

 

#3. Go see you doctor about the Cymbalta and maybe find out why you were on it in the first place. That drug treats more than one thing. Your doctor needs to manage brain chemistry medications - not your wife.

 

I am not a medical doctor, but have been treated with this drug before. I do not think it is smart what you did with that particular med. Perhaps your withdrawals caused odd behavior. Just because you go off this kind off medication does not mean your problems are over. I hope you find a proper doctor to manage the after effects you may be experiencing. At least get checked out (by a real doctor - with an MD). Yas

Edited June 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[tooch926]

When I read your post - I recognize that you are presenting yourself in a rattled sort of way. "The hot tub, it is mine, is it hers, if she owns the house...." This is understandable. But I have to wonder if it might be your brain chemistry speaking as well - because of what you told us about ubruptly stoping Cymbalta. This is my initial impression and suggestions:

 

#1. <Your wife> is not your prescribing doctor.

 

#2. Try No Contact for 90 days. That will fix her head real fast.

 

#3. Go see you doctor about the Cymbalta and maybe find out why you were on it in the first place. That drug treats more than one thing. Your doctor needs to manage brain chemistry medications - not your wife.

 

I am not a medical doctor, but have been treated with this drug before. I do not think it is smart what you did with that particular med. Perhaps your withdrawals caused odd behavior. Just because you go off this kind off medication does not mean your problems are over. I hope you find a proper doctor to manage the after effects you may be experiencing. At least get checked out (by a real doctor - with an MD). Yas

 

I've been seeing my GP and my psych. He changed the type of med that I was on from I believe an SNRI to an SSRI. Most of my problem isn't depression, but anxiety.

 

I know where the depression is from right now, and it's my situation.

 

My counselor says I need to love myself before I can love others, and maybe that hasn't sunk in yet.

 

The withdrawl symptoms of the Cymbalta, as told by my wife's counselor (not an MD) was like coming off of heroin. I had my first panic attack and felt like dying everyday. They wanted to put me on Effexor, but I said no. I didn't want to have to deal with that ever again.

 

My anxiety just worsened, so at the time, she and I both agreed meds were for me. I'm now on Zoloft (because after 50 years, my father needed it) and it seems to be working for me.

 

It makes me upset that I see her doing her thing and it doesn't bother her. She says it makes her upset to see me like this, but she can't help me right now and she needs space.

 

I don't really think I gave it to her. I really need to and move my logic in front of my emotions.

 

During these past few months, when we would see each other, it was great. Hugs and kisses, but I think I pushed her away even more with texts, calls. But I'm mislead by her emails and calls when she needs something done at the house. I can't let my dogs suffer when they have no clue. Since we don't have children, they are my children.

 

So when she's not home, I go there and spend time with them.

 

The doc says, "I'm beating the he*l out of myself emotionally".

 

Maybe he's right.

 

It's a double edged sword. If I don't give her space, it could turn out bad. If I push it, it could be worse. I need to control myself.

 

It's hard because I love her so much (not to sound sappy).

 

This forum is amazing. I haven't been able to let this out to anyone. Not even my best friend because he's just uncomfortable about the whole thing.

 

Macy, you're an angel. And thank you Yasuandio for your support.

 

I'm going to continue to hang out.

 

PS. I just found out my mechanic's wife just shoved him papers

 

What the heck is going on?????

Edited June 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[WreckedDan]

Regarding the 180 Google it, I don't know how to capture it from somewhere and post here... sorry, but it's a tool created to help you better yourself and can at times cause the wandering spouse to see what they are missing...

 

Dan

[tooch926]

Regarding the 180 Google it, I don't know how to capture it from somewhere and post here... sorry, but it's a tool created to help you better yourself and can at times cause the wandering spouse to see what they are missing...

 

Dan

 

Thank you Dan,

 

Found it.

 

http://ezinearticles.com/?Boundaries---Save-Your-Marriage-or-Relationship&id=542526

[William]

Moderation stopping by to advise the thread starter to be careful with personal or personally identifiable information, as this thread, having responses, will not be deleted by request. Some editing has been performed. Carry on.

[tooch926]

Moderation stopping by to advise the thread starter to be careful with personal or personally identifiable information, as this thread, having responses, will not be deleted by request. Some editing has been performed. Carry on.

 

Ahh. Apologies. I shouldn't use specific names.

[tooch926]

Regarding the 180 Google it, I don't know how to capture it from somewhere and post here... sorry, but it's a tool created to help you better yourself and can at times cause the wandering spouse to see what they are missing...

 

Dan

 

 

Dan,

 

 

99% of these are great, but I don't believe there to be another party involved even though its possible.

 

We're still pretty civil. That's the weird thing.

 

But the neediness and desperation. I fit into that category.

 

I need to fix that one.

[WreckedDan]

Hope it helps, hardest thing to do, but if you can pull it off it could do a world of good

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Well, I refuse to be one of those folks that always says there is someone else. I refuse to do this because when my situation started I heard it over and over and every time it hurt to hear, and I flat out would NEVER believe my wife would do that. I heard it so often that I even asked her to which she flat out said no, I would never do that.... she did, she had an emotional affair through facebook for a couple months and the day she told me she wanted to seperate, she was with him that night. So while I'm not going to say this is always the case, I would suggest you prepare yourself emotionally for the possibility because it freakin hurts... worse than anything I've experienced including the death of my mother who I was very close to.

 

Protect yourself and hope for the best,

Dan

[KathyM]

I think your first priority is to get your head straight and get your anxiety and depression under control. Hopefully, your psychiatrist will find the proper medication that can help you with that, and hopefully your counselor will work with you on your negative thoughts that are leading to your anxiety and depression. It sounds like your wife wants you to get help and be healthy, and to work on herself as well, before she'll consider reconciliation. No amount of begging or pleading or pressure is going to win her back. You need to focus on getting yourself healthy so that she will feel safe in considering a reconciliation. I would suggest limited contact, with no pressure, and use that time to demonstrate the qualities that she fell in love with. Identify what it was that she loved about you, and then be that man. If it was your charm, or your good looks, or your sense of humor, or your wit, or whatever you had going for you that made her fall in love with you, show her you still have it when you happen to see her. Don't pressure her in any way. Just work on yourself, and in the limited contact you have with her, show her you've still got what she loved about you.

[tooch926]

I think your first priority is to get your head straight and get your anxiety and depression under control. Hopefully, your psychiatrist will find the proper medication that can help you with that, and hopefully your counselor will work with you on your negative thoughts that are leading to your anxiety and depression. It sounds like your wife wants you to get help and be healthy, and to work on herself as well, before she'll consider reconciliation. No amount of begging or pleading or pressure is going to win her back. You need to focus on getting yourself healthy so that she will feel safe in considering a reconciliation. I would suggest limited contact, with no pressure, and use that time to demonstrate the qualities that she fell in love with. Identify what it was that she loved about you, and then be that man. If it was your charm, or your good looks, or your sense of humor, or your wit, or whatever you had going for you that made her fall in love with you, show her you still have it when you happen to see her. Don't pressure her in any way. Just work on yourself, and in the limited contact you have with her, show her you've still got what she loved about you.

 

 

Its hard to not contact her. Mornings are bad for me.

 

I want to wake up happy, but feel like crying.

 

The meds are under control now (that happened a few months ago).

 

I want to call her so bad today/text, but I know I can't.

 

What if I have to go to the house to get something of mine?

 

Should I communicate to find out when she won't be home?

 

The 180 keeps answers short, it says. I'm not sure. I just don't want to run into her if she doesn't want to see me.

[KathyM]

Its hard to not contact her. Mornings are bad for me.

 

I want to wake up happy, but feel like crying.

 

The meds are under control now (that happened a few months ago).

 

I want to call her so bad today/text, but I know I can't.

 

What if I have to go to the house to get something of mine?

 

Should I communicate to find out when she won't be home?

 

The 180 keeps answers short, it says. I'm not sure. I just don't want to run into her if she doesn't want to see me.

I know it must be hard not to contact her, but you need to give her some space. If you absolutely have to contact her about your stuff, then call her

and ask if you can stop by to get your stuff. I think it would be good to get the stuff when she IS home. Then she has the opportunity to see that you've changed for the better, but remember, don't pressure her. Don't talk about getting back together. Just get your stuff. And I'm going to make a suggestion that I heard from another counselor, which he swears by in rekindling feelings. Buy a bottle of really nice perfume. Leave it on her counter when you are there. Don't say anything about it, just leave it there. Then every time she puts on that perfume, she will think of you. If she asks you about it, tell her you just wanted to give her something to remember you by. Be nonchallant about it.

[Yasuandio]

I know it must be hard not to contact her, but you need to give her some space. If you absolutely have to contact her about your stuff, then call her

and ask if you can stop by to get your stuff. I think it would be good to get the stuff when she IS home. Then she has the opportunity to see that you've changed for the better, but remember, don't pressure her. Don't talk about getting back together. Just get your stuff. And I'm going to make a suggestion that I heard from another counselor, which he swears by in rekindling feelings. Buy a bottle of really nice perfume. Leave it on her counter when you are there. Don't say anything about it, just leave it there. Then every time she puts on that perfume, she will think of you. If she asks you about it, tell her you just wanted to give her something to remember you by. Be nonchallant about it.

 

That is a great idea!

 

However, I do not think this particular poster should use it though. She may interpret as him meddling in her personal space, at best. At worst - she might think he is acting weird, or stalky. Just my take.

 

I think he needs to REALLY withdraw big time.

[Yasuandio]

Its hard to not contact her. Mornings are bad for me.

 

I want to wake up happy, but feel like crying.

 

The meds are under control now (that happened a few months ago).

 

I want to call her so bad today/text, but I know I can't.

 

What if I have to go to the house to get something of mine?

 

Should I communicate to find out when she won't be home?

 

The 180 keeps answers short, it says. I'm not sure. I just don't want to run into her if she doesn't want to see me.

 

Do not get around her - it will open you wounds. Ask yourself first...."Do you really need that stuff?" Really? Or is it an excuse to see her?

 

If so, then make a list of the stuff and have someone else contact her to pick it up.

 

STAY AWAY. 180's and NC. Tha's it. Or you are back at square one. Yas

[tooch926]

I know it must be hard not to contact her, but you need to give her some space. If you absolutely have to contact her about your stuff, then call her

and ask if you can stop by to get your stuff. I think it would be good to get the stuff when she IS home. Then she has the opportunity to see that you've changed for the better, but remember, don't pressure her. Don't talk about getting back together. Just get your stuff. And I'm going to make a suggestion that I heard from another counselor, which he swears by in rekindling feelings. Buy a bottle of really nice perfume. Leave it on her counter when you are there. Don't say anything about it, just leave it there. Then every time she puts on that perfume, she will think of you. If she asks you about it, tell her you just wanted to give her something to remember you by. Be nonchallant about it.

 

She doesn't want to be home when I have to stop by.

 

She was stuck in Chicago the other day and asked me to stay there. She ended up coming home, but I didn't see her, only sleeping when I let the dogs back in the bedroom.

 

But, the 180 says do not buy her things. The last time I left a flower in her bedroom, she didn't say anything by it. I asked her the next day if it was ok that I did that, and she said, "It was fine".

 

I have to get some tools, but she wants me to wait until she goes to volleyball at 6:30. I texted her and asked her what time is volleyball tonight. That was her response.

 

I called her dad this morning to wish him a happy father's day. It was short and to the point. I don't think he knows what's going on, she's a very private person at times.

 

My neighbor saw her in the back yard and mentioned that I haven't been around in a while, and if she could ask if everything was ok.

 

I guess she didn't say much and just started crying.

 

I just don't get it.

 

Also, another thing. She'll post on Facebook and seems very happy. Like she's going to have some friends over, go in the hot tub, have a fire, with a smiley face.

 

Is she just happier without me there? Is it because I haven't given her the space she wanted? Or is she pretending to not care? Or is she sticking with me for financial reasons?

 

I've asked her if we should sort out our finances and she won't give me an answer.

 

I really want to tell her that I wished her father a happy Father's Day today, but don't know if I should.

 

She loves my father to death and I don't think she said a word to him today about it.

 

I'm trying to find things to do, but I just want to cry. Seriously.