New Guy Here: Seperated

[tooch926]

That is a great idea!

 

However, I do not think this particular poster should use it though. She may interpret as him meddling in her personal space, at best. At worst - she might think he is acting weird, or stalky. Just my take.

 

I think he needs to REALLY withdraw big time.

 

She DID thank me very much for staying with the dogs, but that's all she talks about.

 

Like in email at work, it's about the dogs or something around the house.

 

It's almost she want's to make sure that I take care of the dogs and she doesn't have to find someone else to do it.

 

I really, really don't think she cares. If she doesn't, why doesn't she break it off instead of saying she can't give me an answer right now about US.

 

But then she says things like, "once I get my head fixed, we'll be fine".

 

I'm lost.

[Yasuandio]

Dude, going on to see her Facebook, you are creating torture for yourself. Stay off Facebook and all social media. That is not unlike stalking and following, and keeping an eye on her. You will not progress if you keep analyzing what her Facebook means. Shut it all down - close it up - she doesn't need to see your either, cut the imbilical cord - all connection. NC.

 

Do you want to keep crying like a baby? Is that going to help you situation? Then listen to this advice. Stop anything that gets your emotions upset. Facebook stalking is just like rubbing salt in your wounds. How are you going to heal doing that? NC, NC, NC. Even NC she doesn't know about. NC for you! When a month goes by, you will be proud of yourself.

 

The flower on the bed is really sad. Especially when you ask her the NEXT DAY if it was ok. Dude, the is needy and pathetic. You have to stop it. That kind of stuff is pushing her further and further away. Use NC and 180's to get tough and disciplined with yourself, and the situation. Yas

[tooch926]

I get alerts from Facebook. She'll post things about her favorite TV show, being with her sister.

 

Her profile picture is all of her family.

 

Man, I'm broken. This is so hard.

[tooch926]

Dude, going on to see her Facebook, you are creating torture for yourself. Stay off Facebook and all social media. That is not unlike stalking and following, and keeping an eye on her. You will not progress if you keep analyzing what her Facebook means. Shut it all down - close it up - she doesn't need to see your either, cut the imbilical cord - all connection. NC.

 

Do you want to keep crying like a baby? Is that going to help you situation? Then listen to this advice. Stop anything that gets your emotions upset. Facebook stalking is just like rubbing salt in your wounds. How are you going to heal doing that? NC, NC, NC. Even NC she doesn't know about. NC for you! When a month goes by, you will be proud of yourself.

 

The flower on the bed is really sad. Especially when you ask her the NEXT DAY if it was ok. Dude, the is needy and pathetic. You have to stop it. That kind of stuff is pushing her further and further away. Use NC and 180's to get tough and disciplined with yourself, and the situation. Yas

 

I do have to shut it down. Sometimes I check my profile to see if she still has me tagged as her wife.

 

People though mention to me, how are you doing? Your wife seems fine! She posts this, and this, and this.

 

I can't get away from it.

[Yasuandio]

I do have to shut it down. Sometimes I check my profile to see if she still has me tagged as her wife.

 

People though mention to me, how are you doing? Your wife seems fine! She posts this, and this, and this.

 

I can't get away from it.

 

You can get away from Facebook if you really want to.

 

And if someone brings it up, formly, but politely interupt the person and state: "please, I am not interested in wife's Facebook activity." Sometimes, you might raise your hand slightly (like you are in class with a question), to begin the interuption.

 

Go one line and disconnect Facebook and do not mess around with any social networks like this for the time being. It is that simple. Your business is private now. Yas

[KathyM]

That is a great idea!

 

However, I do not think this particular poster should use it though. She may interpret as him meddling in her personal space, at best. At worst - she might think he is acting weird, or stalky. Just my take.

 

I think he needs to REALLY withdraw big time.

It's just one small parting gift, left with no fanfare at a time he was expected to pick up his stuff. No biggie. This other counselor swears by this method as a means to get your spouse/girlfriend back. Sometimes it helps. It has worked for this counselor's clients. But I would agree with you that he needs to cut way back on the contact he has with her.

[tooch926]

It's just one small parting gift, left with no fanfare at a time he was expected to pick up his stuff. No biggie. This other counselor swears by this method as a means to get your spouse/girlfriend back. Sometimes it helps. It has worked for this counselor's clients. But I would agree with you that he needs to cut way back on the contact he has with her.

 

I don't know if I want to do that. I don't know if she cares or is ready for that. She just wants to be left alone.

 

She wants space. Do I give her a time or ask her when she will be ready to talk about it?

 

What if she says she doesn't know?

 

Will me forcing a deadline ruin it?

[tooch926]

And also, do I even bother to mention to her that I called her dad this morning?

 

Or not even contact her at all?

 

Do I wait for her to contact me?

 

What if something goes wrong at the house and she needs me? What do I do then?

 

It's hard for me to say no.

[Yasuandio]

And also, do I even bother to mention to her that I called her dad this morning?

 

Or not even contact her at all?

 

Do I wait for her to contact me?

 

What if something goes wrong at the house and she needs me? What do I do then?

 

It's hard for me to say no.

 

What if, what if, what if. Man, get a grip.

 

No contact, period. If something breaks at house, let her call a professional. Thats the "breaks" when you decide you need distance from partner.

 

Stop talking to her relatives. Especially, do not talk to her about how you talked to her Dad. Just makes a more complicated mess than you already started. You could have just sent a card - but, instead, a huge emotional mess is in the workss in your mind. Forget it - it is too late to think about, drop the rope.

 

YAS' 180 LIST FOR THIS WEEK

 

Go over to TJMaxx and get yourself a new sports shirt and some swimming gear (trunks, Spedo, and a beech towel, whatever) -- and go to a nearby neighborhood pool for some laps. Do something out of the ordinary to break you pattern. And don't tell anyone.

 

Make appoinment at hair salon - yes, salon. Get some highlights - do something different, that is if you have hair. If balding, shave it all off. Grow a go-tee. Different. Change it up big time.

 

Detail your car, out in the driveway.

 

Do you have a grill? If not, get one. Fry up some steaks tonight for yourself. Eat two if you want. Treat yourself for Father's Day, even if you are not a Dad.

 

Tomorrow -- all the tools will be on sale. What do you need? A new drill? Man, I am going to finially get myself a DeWalt Lithium Kit. Tomorrow is the day for that! Do you need a set of wrenches? Tomorrow -- get over to the Home Depot and get a tool of some sort on sale.

 

Time to do man stuff. No more wa, wa, wa. Leave your new tool(s) out in the middle of the kitchen table to so you can think of your next project.

 

Men with tools don't have time for sissy facebook nonsense. Can you imagine how you look doing that? Leave that for the chicks to wa-wa about. Man has better things to do.

 

When's the last time you got your tires rotated? Get that handled. Change you oil out for summer while your at it.

 

When you did the stuff on my 180 list, let me know, and I can give you more stuff to do. Yas

[KathyM]

I don't know if I want to do that. I don't know if she cares or is ready for that. She just wants to be left alone.

 

She wants space. Do I give her a time or ask her when she will be ready to talk about it?

 

What if she says she doesn't know?

 

Will me forcing a deadline ruin it?

Do NOT force a deadline. Do not pressure her in any way, or her answer will be no. Give her plenty of space, but keep in very limited contact. No texts. No stopping by her place unless you absolutely have to get your stuff. No Emails. Only call her, maybe once a month to check how she's doing. Not to pressure, but just ask how she's doing. For example: "Hi, it's me. I wanted to see how you are doing, because I do care about you." I don't think falling off the face of the earth is the answer, but very limited contact so that she knows that you still care about her. But do the necessary work on yourself, do start dating others and put up an image that things are going well for you. Fill your Facebook page with you doing fun things with fun people. She needs to see the person that she fell in love with and start to miss that in order to want to reconcile. This is where Facebook is actually a good thing, if you want to re-attract your ex, but do keep in very limited contact, so that you have the opportunity to let her know that you still care about her. My suggestion about the perfume was just a suggestion for your consideration. It's something another counselor suggests that has worked very well for his clients. Your choice if you want to try that.

[tooch926]

Do NOT force a deadline. Do not pressure her in any way, or her answer will be no. Give her plenty of space, but keep in very limited contact. No texts. No stopping by her place unless you absolutely have to get your stuff. No Emails. Only call her, maybe once a month to check how she's doing. Not to pressure, but just ask how she's doing. For example: "Hi, it's me. I wanted to see how you are doing, because I do care about you." I don't think falling off the face of the earth is the answer, but very limited contact so that she knows that you still care about her. But do the necessary work on yourself, do start dating others and put up an image that things are going well for you. Fill your Facebook page with you doing fun things with fun people. She needs to see the person that she fell in love with and start to miss that in order to want to reconcile. This is where Facebook is actually a good thing, if you want to re-attract your ex, but do keep in very limited contact, so that you have the opportunity to let her know that you still care about her. My suggestion about the perfume was just a suggestion for your consideration. It's something another counselor suggests that has worked very well for his clients. Your choice if you want to try that.

 

I don't really want to date other people. I can show her that I'm okay without doing that can't I?

 

It sounds like you are a counselor?

 

I'm an IT guy, but used to detail cars in college. Maybe I can get something together to make some extra cash.

 

I'd like to do some stuff to my car, but like I said, she still controls all the finances. So anything I'd like to do will have to come from somewhere else.

 

My income pays for my car payment, dog food ($200 / month), and not really sure what else besides other debts we may have.

 

I'm contemplating deactivating Facebook, but I know she looks at it. She won't comment.

 

She just texted my father and said, "Happy Father's Day, I love you".

 

I guess that makes me feel better. I'm not sure really though if it does....

[tooch926]

What if, what if, what if. Man, get a grip.

 

No contact, period. If something breaks at house, let her call a professional. Thats the "breaks" when you decide you need distance from partner.

 

Stop talking to her relatives. Especially, do not talk to her about how you talked to her Dad. Just makes a more complicated mess than you already started. You could have just sent a card - but, instead, a huge emotional mess is in the workss in your mind. Forget it - it is too late to think about, drop the rope.

 

YAS' 180 LIST FOR THIS WEEK

 

Go over to TJMaxx and get yourself a new sports shirt and some swimming gear (trunks, Spedo, and a beech towel, whatever) -- and go to a nearby neighborhood pool for some laps. Do something out of the ordinary to break you pattern. And don't tell anyone.

 

Make appoinment at hair salon - yes, salon. Get some highlights - do something different, that is if you have hair. If balding, shave it all off. Grow a go-tee. Different. Change it up big time.

 

Detail your car, out in the driveway.

 

Do you have a grill? If not, get one. Fry up some steaks tonight for yourself. Eat two if you want. Treat yourself for Father's Day, even if you are not a Dad.

 

Tomorrow -- all the tools will be on sale. What do you need? A new drill? Man, I am going to finially get myself a DeWalt Lithium Kit. Tomorrow is the day for that! Do you need a set of wrenches? Tomorrow -- get over to the Home Depot and get a tool of some sort on sale.

 

Time to do man stuff. No more wa, wa, wa. Leave your new tool(s) out in the middle of the kitchen table to so you can think of your next project.

 

Men with tools don't have time for sissy facebook nonsense. Can you imagine how you look doing that? Leave that for the chicks to wa-wa about. Man has better things to do.

 

When's the last time you got your tires rotated? Get that handled. Change you oil out for summer while your at it.

 

When you did the stuff on my 180 list, let me know, and I can give you more stuff to do. Yas

 

I have a set of headers for my Passat. I think I might make a project out of that. I'm also waiting on a quote to have my wheels powder coated.

 

I haven't done stuff like this in years because my wife has been my whole life.

 

It's starting from the beginning.

[Yasuandio]

I have a set of headers for my Passat. I think I might make a project out of that. I'm also waiting on a quote to have my wheels powder coated.

 

I haven't done stuff like this in years because my wife has been my whole life.

 

It's starting from the beginning.

 

Now you sound like a MAN. Lets us know how the headers sound on the P-Sat, and how the powder coating looks, dude.

 

Start applying for a second job this week, so you don't have to ask Mommy for money anymore. Something physical, but classy. Maybe at a nice hotel lobby, doing baggage to work your muscles, and watch the hot chics coming in and out. You are done with her apron strings. Yas

[macy]

What if, what if, what if. Man, get a grip.

 

No contact, period. If something breaks at house, let her call a professional. Thats the "breaks" when you decide you need distance from partner.

 

Stop talking to her relatives. Especially, do not talk to her about how you talked to her Dad. Just makes a more complicated mess than you already started. You could have just sent a card - but, instead, a huge emotional mess is in the workss in your mind. Forget it - it is too late to think about, drop the rope.

 

YAS' 180 LIST FOR THIS WEEK

 

Go over to TJMaxx and get yourself a new sports shirt and some swimming gear (trunks, Spedo, and a beech towel, whatever) -- and go to a nearby neighborhood pool for some laps. Do something out of the ordinary to break you pattern. And don't tell anyone.

 

Make appoinment at hair salon - yes, salon. Get some highlights - do something different, that is if you have hair. If balding, shave it all off. Grow a go-tee. Different. Change it up big time.

 

Detail your car, out in the driveway.

 

Do you have a grill? If not, get one. Fry up some steaks tonight for yourself. Eat two if you want. Treat yourself for Father's Day, even if you are not a Dad.

 

Tomorrow -- all the tools will be on sale. What do you need? A new drill? Man, I am going to finially get myself a DeWalt Lithium Kit. Tomorrow is the day for that! Do you need a set of wrenches? Tomorrow -- get over to the Home Depot and get a tool of some sort on sale.

 

Time to do man stuff. No more wa, wa, wa. Leave your new tool(s) out in the middle of the kitchen table to so you can think of your next project.

 

Men with tools don't have time for sissy facebook nonsense. Can you imagine how you look doing that? Leave that for the chicks to wa-wa about. Man has better things to do.

 

When's the last time you got your tires rotated? Get that handled. Change you oil out for summer while your at it.

 

When you did the stuff on my 180 list, let me know, and I can give you more stuff to do. Yas

Brilliant! Love it! Take this advice! Yas, I could've used you last year!

[tooch926]

Brilliant! Love it! Take this advice! Yas, I could've used you last year!

 

Well, other than her texting me, "Can you let me know when you leave... we r done playing". (Volleyball)

 

I went to the house, picked up a few things.

 

She told me that our one dog didn't eat, so I sat with her so she could eat. Then I took them for a run.

 

I left a note on the fridge that said, "The dog ate and all 3 of them and I went for a run".

 

That's it.

 

I don't expect a response from her, but why is it that it is so important that I'm gone before she goes back to the house? Is this the complete space she's talking about?

 

She seems happy without me. I've read about this, "wall", that people put up and she's mentioned that hers is up.

 

Is this where I follow the 180 and Y's advice? Don't text (minimal) and DO NOT expect a response or thank you from her?

 

I'll look for that. I need to cut that out.

 

We always got along. Didn't fight besides the occasional tiff. Why does it seem like she hates me and is happy with everyone else?

 

Y, I talked to a buddy about doing side detailing on exotic and high end cars. He's got the people, I have the skills.

 

Let's see where that goes.

[Yasuandio]

Well, other than her texting me, "Can you let me know when you leave... we r done playing". (Volleyball)

 

You want to give her a real jolt? Block your number. She won't believe you did that - and she will be frustrated out of her mind - and will be pulling her tits out. The whole reason she sends those texts is to agravate you and push your buttons, to hurt you. It hurts - right? If you do not receive texts from her - it won't hurt. And you will not be anticipating it. Best medicine for you and her. NC to the max.

 

I went to the house, picked up a few things.

 

OK - Don't go back unless you empty the place in her absense.

 

She told me that our one dog didn't eat, so I sat with her so she could eat. Then I took them for a run.

 

I left a note on the fridge that said, "The dog ate and all 3 of them and I went for a run".

 

Do not leave any nice notes or communication. You are done being husband now. Period. No more kissy face.

 

That's it.

 

I don't expect a response from her, but why is it that it is so important that I'm gone before she goes back to the house? Is this the complete space she's talking about?

 

It is not important that you are gone from the house before she gets back It is important she SAYS THAT to hurt you. Complete space is BS. She is up to something and cannot face you. (No one ever wants to believe it, so I realize you do not believe it).

 

She seems happy without me. I've read about this, "wall", that people put up and she's mentioned that hers is up.

 

Wall, wall, wall. BS. She doesn't want to talk to you - it is not a wall - it is a fact. No psychological mumbo-jumbo or metophor will soften the REALITY of that. So get real with yourself. And consider you cotact with her over - per her request. Now give her what she ask for - and let her see what it is like.

 

Is this where I follow the 180 and Y's advice? Don't text (minimal) and DO NOT expect a response or thank you from her?

 

I think you should block her number. Her texts upset you. If contact is necessary - use a third party.

 

A thank you? From her? HaHa. Block the number.

 

I'll look for that. I need to cut that out.

 

Exactly, cut it out.

 

We always got along. Didn't fight besides the occasional tiff. Why does it seem like she hates me and is happy with everyone else?

 

Because you act needy, insecure, and instictively DO NOT want to give her what she asked for - because you are afraid. [That is a natural human response, by the way. But you must respond conterintuituively to get through this tunnel - whether marriage suceeds or fails - and, ASSUME IS IS OVER, for real]. Give her exactly what she asked for, no strings attached.

 

Y, I talked to a buddy about doing side detailing on exotic and high end cars. He's got the people, I have the skills.

 

I never had a profile pix on LS, tried to put up a one of my car - but I am no good with IT. But I am an excellent phychic! Pour your head into this new high end car thing and start raking in the dough. You are going to need it.

 

Let's see where that goes.

 

I do hope you have a very good day - and I will keep an eye out on your thread. Yas

[macy]

I agree with Yas. What I like is that Yas has told you what NOT to do but more importantly gave you a fab list 2 posts up on what TO DO with your day. All of which have everything to do with you....and nothing to do with her.

[macy]

I'd like to also add... with me I got angry inside initially in my sep/divorce when people offered such advice as this. I had the feelings of "they just don't understand", "they've never felt this horrible", "its impossible". Then you read things here and read books and move a little through the pain and you realize they were right, people have felt this pain, and what they are saying can and will help you. You have to get it... Really get it... Or you won't. That plain and simple.

[Steadfast]

Men with tools don't have time for sissy facebook nonsense. Can you imagine how you look doing that? Leave that for the chicks to wa-wa about. Man has better things to do.

 

What about those of us who have our manly stuff posted on FB? Oh..wait, that came out wrong...

 

=)

[notbroken]

You going over to her house, leaving flowers, notes, etc is just drawing out the pain for you. Stop doing any and all of that. Go no contact unless absolutely necessary (she contacts you about something that MUST be done or your world will stop) . Ironically it is likely your only chance to get back with her but it is absolutely your only chance at lessening your pain.

 

Visiting your old place is like pulling the band aid off again and again. Ouch.

 

Decide to better yourself. Work on your car. Work on yourself health wise. Go to the gym. Swim. Walk. Run. Bike. Anything and everything.

 

Honestly, she sounds like she is 'done' and is just trying to exit 'nicely'. You can't make someone love you. Living with someone that doesn't love you is depressing in itself. That's not good for you mentally or physically.

 

The world is a bright place. Too bright to spend in the darkness of a loveless relationship. Work on yourself and in time you will recognize that it was likely all for the best and you are happier than you've ever been.

[KathyM]

I don't really want to date other people. I can show her that I'm okay without doing that can't I?

 

It sounds like you are a counselor?

 

I'm an IT guy, but used to detail cars in college. Maybe I can get something together to make some extra cash.

 

I'd like to do some stuff to my car, but like I said, she still controls all the finances. So anything I'd like to do will have to come from somewhere else.

 

My income pays for my car payment, dog food ($200 / month), and not really sure what else besides other debts we may have.

 

I'm contemplating deactivating Facebook, but I know she looks at it. She won't comment.

 

She just texted my father and said, "Happy Father's Day, I love you".

 

I guess that makes me feel better. I'm not sure really though if it does....

Allright, if you don't want to start dating, then get involved with other interests and activities that show you are not just sitting there pining away for her at home. The four things that have the best chance of getting your wife to want you back is to (#1) get your anxiety and depression under control through counseling and medication; (#2) show her you still have the things that made her fall in love with you; (#3) show her that you are moving forward with your life and are enjoying your life; (#4) very limited contact, so that she has the opportunity to see these changes and has the opportunity to see that the door is still open for her, and that you still care about her.