Why Girls Do the Things They Do: Q&A for Men

[eastcoastgirl88]

Hi Men of LS,

 

I've been lurking a long time and another thread just inspired me to start this thread. The poster, RipNet, suggested I read a book written by a male, explaining life from a male perspective. Here's a link:

 

Why Men Are the Way They Are: Warren Farrell: 9780425110942: Amazon.com: Books

 

I would like to offer myself to answer any questions male posters may have about life from a woman's perspective or why we do the things we do. A little background on me:

 

I am 24, live in Boston, and am in sports media. I have a bachelor's degree and grew up in northern California with two parents who are still married and three younger sisters. I've been in one LTR (college) and have had A LOT of "flings" and casual relationships since then. I get asked out a lot. I online date a lot. I find it very easy to attract men but hard to find the kind of man I want to commit to a LTR with me. I tend to get over-excited about guys I actually like.

 

Fire away.

Edited June 15, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Janesays]

What makes you think you can speak for all (or even just the majority) of women?

 

[Star Gazer]

I would like to offer myself to answer any questions male posters may have about life from a woman's perspective or why we do the things we do.

 

That's what every female poster is here for.

[eastcoastgirl88]

I figured the thread would turn into all the women on here answering questions. I don't think I can speak for all women, which is why I gave my background. I think everyone should chime in! I just thought the questions this book asked/answered about men were SO interesting, why not try to the same for men with women...especially since so many guys on here constantly post about not understanding the things "we" do.

[Ripnet]

Why do women give hints instead of telling men directly what they want?

[Star Gazer]

I figured the thread would turn into all the women on here answering questions.

 

If a man has a question about a specific behavior, he needs to start a thread to allow for a discussion on that topic, to allow for the entire LS community to participate.

[eastcoastgirl88]

Well, like I said before, other women chime in!! But here in my answer. Other people may have different answers.

 

I think the cliche answer is either that she wants you to KNOW instinctively what's wrong or she is looking for attention, or both. I will admit that I have, at times, shut down completely because I was angry at my boyfriend for not understanding without me saying anything that he did something careless or mean.

 

It is a manipulation tactic for sure. Women want men to "feel" and "sense" what's wrong just like other women "feel" and "sense" what is wrong. I may assume a guy doesn't care about innermost thoughts and feelings when he isn't tuned into my emotions enough to know what the problem is.

 

Personally though, the following is more a reason I would shut down:

 

Fear. I am not an angry person AT ALL and actually find it hard to get angry at guys I am dating. Because of this I can sometimes become a pushover when something is wrong and rather than confront him about what is wrong, I will shut down and become silent.

 

I am afraid the guy will leave me if I do or say the wrong thing or overreact to a situation, especially if it was a misunderstanding. I am afraid he will pull the "crazy" card. I believe the better way to maintain my power and dignity is to say nothing.

[eastcoastgirl88]

Why do women give hints instead of telling men directly what they want?

 

When I do this it's because I want to appear low-maintenance and easygoing. I worry that saying exactly what I want will make me come across as aggressive.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

I am 24, live in Boston, and am in sports media. I have a bachelor's degree and grew up in northern California with two parents who are still married and three younger sisters. I've been in one LTR (college) and have had A LOT of "flings" and casual relationships since then. I get asked out a lot. I online date a lot. I find it very easy to attract men but hard to find the kind of man I want to commit to a LTR with me. I tend to get over-excited about guys I actually like.

 

Fire away.

 

This is actually a legit question for women. And I've never seen you post before, but you seem kind of down to Earth.

 

"How could women who experience the kind of dating success described above still find it disgusting when a man who can't attract any women despite his best efforts expresses his frustration with women as a whole?"

 

That one has always confused me.

Edited June 15, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember

[KungFuJoe]

Whoops...nevermind. Apparently, I have reading comprehension problems.

[hppr]

I figured the thread would turn into all the women on here answering questions.

 

LOL doubt it. My personal question would be why is it that most women seem to nitpick other women's boyfriends/husbands. Us guys don't seem to do that very often in comparison & I'd love to hear some of the women's answers on here.

[carhill]

Given the volumes of men you apparently attract, why do you believe that apparently zero of them are the type of man you want to have a LTR with?

 

As a backup question, why do you believe that any man has the ability to read your mind?

[eastcoastgirl88]

This is actually a legit question for women. And I've never seen you post before, but you seem kind of down to Earth.

 

"How could women who experience the kind of dating success described above still find it disgusting when a man who can't attract any women despite his best efforts expresses his frustration with women as a whole?"

 

That one has always confused me.

 

That's a great question!! I don't have an answer off the top of my head so I'm going to free-associate.

 

Let me rephrase it...why would I find it disgusting that men express their frustration with women as a whole?

 

A few things pop into my head.

 

1. I think men have it so much easier than women. In my next life I want to come back as a man. I'm sure a bunch of guys will think I'm crazy, but being a man seems ten times easier to me. As a woman in modern society, I am constantly worrying about the following:

 

Am I skinny enough? Pretty enough? Assertive enough to have a great career but feminine enough to attract a partner? How do my male work superiors view me--is my success based on sexual appeal, merit, or both? Should I try to use subtle sex appeal to get ahead in work or is that wrong? Will I lose out on career opportunities if I don't act like a man at work?

 

When I want to have kids, how on earth will I balance having a great career with being a great mom? How will I manage my husband's expectations? Will I regret staying home with my kids if I quit my job? Will I regret NOT staying home with my kids if I stay in my job? Will I be wasting my degree if I don't stay in my job?

 

The bolded part is, to me, the thing I think about most at this point. It is a CONSTANT struggle.

 

Compare that to how I think (probably wrongly) a man's struggles compare:

 

Make money. Have a good career. Stay in shape.

 

There doesn't seem to be a lot sacrificing. A man's choices (if you're going to traditional route) are so much more clear cut.

 

So, that's one reason. I think it's annoying when men complain (sometimes) because it seems to me they have it ten times easier than women, who are, these days, expected to be both CEO of a company, Mom of the Year and a supermodel. It's a lot to live up to.

 

Now, more to your question...

 

I think a lot of men on this board (just glancing at posts) really do want genuine love and a relationship but are SO sex-starved that that's the main thing that comes across in the posts.

 

As a woman, I recoil from that. My knee-jerk reaction is to say, "I am NOT a sex object!"

 

I get mad when I read posts that blame women for all the trouble men are having, and that female-hatred is very off-putting and frankly very scary. I actually imagine that if I ran into a man who was SO sex-starved he might try to get violent with me or rape me. I guess maybe that's where some of the "disgust" comes from for me...fear.

 

And fear is the WORST emotion a woman can have around a man. You have to remember that even though you think women are the "sexual gatekeepers," you are, as a man, still bigger, stronger and capable of taking your rage out on us.

 

Not saying you're going to do this by any means. It's just something that's crossed my mind more than once.

 

I hope this sort of answered your question.

[eastcoastgirl88]

LOL doubt it. My personal question would be why is it that most women seem to nitpick other women's boyfriends/husbands. Us guys don't seem to do that very often in comparison & I'd love to hear some of the women's answers on here.

 

Jealousy. I would never nitpick or degrade another woman's boyfriend or husband unless I was jealous of him or the relationship.

 

I can't think of any other reason I would put down another woman's partner unless he was hurting her in some way, physically or emotionally.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

Now, more to your question...

 

I think a lot of men on this board (just glancing at posts) really do want genuine love and a relationship but are SO sex-starved that that's the main thing that comes across in the posts.

 

As a woman, I recoil from that. My knee-jerk reaction is to say, "I am NOT a sex object!"

 

I get mad when I read posts that blame women for all the trouble men are having, and that female-hatred is very off-putting and frankly very scary. I actually imagine that if I ran into a man who was SO sex-starved he might try to get violent with me or rape me. I guess maybe that's where some of the "disgust" comes from for me...fear.

 

And fear is the WORST emotion a woman can have around a man. You have to remember that even though you think women are the "sexual gatekeepers," you are, as a man, still bigger, stronger and capable of taking your rage out on us.

 

Not saying you're going to do this by any means. It's just something that's crossed my mind more than once.

 

I hope this sort of answered your question.

 

Huh.

 

That's a new insight.

 

I can say in response that most of the frustrated men on here are that way because they have been rejected by women they truly knew and liked and not some girl leaning against the bar in a tight dress, but perhaps that is just my story.

 

In my mind, if I was a very handsome attractive, charming male, who had no problem getting women, and some woman came on here saying men suck and just care about looks, and that she was 28 and never had a man say she was cute, I'd be extremely sympathetic.

 

I'd be extremely sympathetic now and I'm none of that.

[eastcoastgirl88]

Given the volumes of men you apparently attract, why do you believe that apparently zero of them are the type of man you want to have a LTR with?

 

As a backup question, why do you believe that any man has the ability to read your mind?

 

Sorry, I may have phrased that wrong.

 

Every time I meet a man I want a LTR with I put SO MUCH pressure on getting everything perfect about the relationship that I end up losing myself in the process, compromising my morals/values and eventually driving the man away. I always worry that that man is the ONE AND ONLY man for me and that it's my "last chance" at such a perfect guy.

 

Last year I dated a guy on and off all year. I was obsessed with him. It turned into us just having sex whenever he felt like it and me taking that as some giant compliment that he was paying attention to me at all.

 

In the beginning, he thought I was interesting, smart and different. I can't imagine that he thought I was anything other than the typical boring, obsessive girl at the end. I acted like he was doing me some sort of favor by interacting with me. What a mistake.

 

I really regret how that relationship ended. It was over in December and I still think about it, how I ruined things with such a great guy.

 

Anyway, since then I haven't really found anyone I've liked very much.

 

And why do girls think guys can read their minds?

 

Because girls can read other girls minds lots of the times, or at least have a really good sense of what she's thinking.

[eastcoastgirl88]

Huh.

 

That's a new insight.

 

I can say in response that most of the frustrated men on here are that way because they have been rejected by women they truly knew and liked and not some girl leaning against the bar in a tight dress, but perhaps that is just my story.

 

In my mind, if I was a very handsome attractive, charming male, who had no problem getting women, and some woman came on here saying men suck and just care about looks, and that she was 28 and never had a man say she was cute, I'd be extremely sympathetic.

 

I'd be extremely sympathetic now and I'm none of that.

 

I am sympathetic, too. I really am. It depends on the poster, really.

 

My "disgust" is more geared towards guys who seem so ANGRY, aggressive and potentially scary. And even then it's not disgust. It's just a general feeling of wanting to be away from them, out of their aura...even if this is cyberspace! LOL

 

And if I feel that way online, can you imagine how girls in their real life feel?

 

Anytime I've been rejected by a guy I don't get mad and scary. I get depressed and want to cry and sleep. Not exactly attractive, but not threatening either. I guess I expect men to do the same, though logically I realize we're hardwired differently.

[Imajerk17]

OK I'll bite:

 

You're on a first date with a guy you met off say Match. How long does it take usually for you to decide that you could be or could not be interested? Describe in detail a first date you went on where you wanted a second. First impressions, how the first 10 minutes of conversation, thecrest of the date. Now do the same for a "decent" first date where you did not want a second.

[eastcoastgirl88]

Is there an age in which a guy who's never had any relationship or sex experience should just give up?

 

No. I don't think there is such a thing as "no hope" in ANY aspect of life.

 

I do think, though, that if it becomes apparent one is "different" or there is a "problem" or the whole issue is negatively affecting one's life, that guy should get into professional counseling if possible.

 

I also think guys need to be realistic about who they can attract. It's so hard for me to know who is behind each of these posts but when I imagine painfully awkward guys approaching me and my friends and then us callously rejecting them and forgetting them two minutes later (it's so heartbreaking when you reflect on it) it makes me wish those guys were smart enough to go for someone in their league. Reading these posts makes me think twice about how I reject and treat men. I realize being a man is NOT easy.

 

If you're awkward and you KNOW you're awkward, or if you FEEL different, why not go for a girl with a similar life experience? There are so many lonely girls out there who would love a genuine guy to shower her with affection.

[eastcoastgirl88]

OK I'll bite:

 

You're on a first date with a guy you met off say Match. How long does it take usually for you to decide that you could be or could not be interested? Describe in detail a first date you went on where you wanted a second. First impressions, how the first 10 minutes of conversation, thecrest of the date. Now do the same for a "decent" first date where you did not want a second.

 

I OLD a lot. Not using Match, but another site. This is a good one.

 

I usually know within three minutes if I'm REALLY attracted to someone.

 

I will use a recent first date as an example.

 

I knew GOING INTO the date I was excited about this guy because he was, to me, based on our conversation, Perfect on Paper. He had all the qualifications I was looking for. He represented the life I imagine for myself in my head. This is key. I don't mean I need a guy with a masters, a 5 o' clock shadow, no. I mean, I've got a plan for my life and this guy fit into my plan.

 

He picked me in at my place in his car, which he had obviously cleaned in preparation for the date. The restaurant was only a five minute drive but we got so lost in conversation that he ended up driving aimlessly for 45 minutes. I thought it was so cute. He valeted the car. Not a big deal but I liked being treated like a queen.

 

He held open all doors. He chose where we would sit. He chose a wine after making sure I like wine. The point is, he acted like a man. He let me sit back while he made all the decisions.

 

It was clear from the beginning our conversation was genuine and real. We were talking about non-superficial things. Our conversation wasn't "What do you do for work? Do you like it?" It was "This is what I want to accomplish in life, these are my goals, this is my outlook." It was so deep for a first date!

 

He ordered another bottle without me asking, while I was in the bathroom. I liked that he took charge once again.

 

We ended up sitting there for five hours and closed the place down. He complimented me not only on my appearance but on my accomplishments and maturity.

 

He drove me home and we had a nice makeout in his car. When I got out there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that not only did I want to see this man again, I wanted to MARRY this man.

 

Okay, good date that I didn't really care about going on a second date...

 

Guy picked me up in his car and he was very different looking than his profile pictures. Not bad, just different. This threw me off completely.

 

Car was nice and clean. No complaints.

 

Got to the restaurant and he valeted. A nice touch!

 

Got to the table and he hesitated over the menu and was not assertive about anything. He kept wavering and changing his mind.

 

Our conversation was pleasant but typical/standard: work, siblings, where'd you grow up, etc. I felt like I was doing so much of the talking. That, by the way, is when I know I don't really like the person...when I have to keep myself entertained by talking a lot. If I like you I want YOU to do the talking.

 

Food came fast and I was happy about that. We ate and joked politely. Again, he was super nice, I just wasn't feeling it. He was kind of boring. He didn't seem passionate about much. He seemed like he had taken the safe route in life.

 

We drove home and I hugged him goodbye.

 

The next day I heard from him and I thanked him again but texting trailed off and we never went out again.

 

If you want any more specifics I will happy to provide!

[eastcoastgirl88]

How are leagues defined and what determines who's in the higher league?

 

When I think of myself in a league, I think of myself not in comparison to other women, but in terms of what man I can attract. I think leagues are 85-95% about looks for women and 70-80% about looks for men.

 

I never compare myself to other girls because I am confident in my uniqueness. What I lack in looks (I am very attractive but not supermodel-level by any means) I make up for in intellect, education and wit. I KNOW this is an attractive combination to men and I capitalize on it. I know that if I get a chance to have a conversation with a guy he will pick me over a hot bimbo 8/10 times, if he's smart. This is because it is very rare to find a girl who is both attractive and smart. I work this angle to the DEATH.

 

How to determine who is in the higher league? Good question.

 

I suppose it's who has more options. Who would have an easier time getting back on the market?

 

Then again, if both people are confident, the above shouldn't really matter.

[Ripnet]

Sorry, I may have phrased that wrong.

 

Every time I meet a man I want a LTR with I put SO MUCH pressure on getting everything perfect about the relationship that I end up losing myself in the process, compromising my morals/values and eventually driving the man away. I always worry that that man is the ONE AND ONLY man for me and that it's my "last chance" at such a perfect guy.

 

Last year I dated a guy on and off all year. I was obsessed with him. It turned into us just having sex whenever he felt like it and me taking that as some giant compliment that he was paying attention to me at all.

 

In the beginning, he thought I was interesting, smart and different. I can't imagine that he thought I was anything other than the typical boring, obsessive girl at the end. I acted like he was doing me some sort of favor by interacting with me. What a mistake.

 

I really regret how that relationship ended. It was over in December and I still think about it, how I ruined things with such a great guy.

 

Anyway, since then I haven't really found anyone I've liked very much.

 

And why do girls think guys can read their minds?

 

Because girls can read other girls minds lots of the times, or at least have a really good sense of what she's thinking.

 

 

You need to be yourself not what you think other expect of you. If you want to work out do it for health not so you can attract men, while it'sa plus your main reason should be for yourself.

 

You are truly too hard and you are focusing on fear so that's what you get because that's you're focus on.

 

 

Here an idea write down your beliefs and values. List your values in the order of importance. Question your values and the order they are in. Examine and see if you move a value high or lower on the list.

 

Write down financial, physically, relationship, family, spiritual, etc. goals. A year from now, 5 years, 10 years and 30 years from now. Now be consise you about your goals the better. Review these goals because they can change and then have action plan to make these goals happen.

 

 

Want to be successful in relationship? Have a role model. Ask another woman who is in a relationship. Ask her beliefs and values in her relationship. You want someone who has passionate long term relationship.

 

Write down some questions or mantras you can ask daily. Once you do it enough you will do it habitually. Example how can I attractive a successful, attractive loyal man.....?

Edited June 15, 2013 by Ripnet

[hppr]

How are leagues defined and what determines who's in the higher league?

 

Here's the thing:

 

I've been out at bars etc and been shot down by 'regular looking' (IE, not in great shape etc) women and after that had a gorgeous woman make a pass at me. So it's not really based on looks, as in you are a 7, therefore you get a 7 kind of stuff.

 

It's more about what you offer and common interests.

 

If you aren't in the greatest of shape and don't have a lot to offer than thinking you can get someone who is very physically appealing and has a great job is gonna be a long shot. Not impossible but it definitely doesn't happen every day.

 

Like her example of all the girls sitting around the bar clucking away, some dorky guy says hi and they laugh him off. It's not about physical looks so much as that guy really has nothing in common socially speaking with those sorts of women otherwise he'd be at the bar going blah-blah-blah with his own group of hens.

 

A friend's input can be invaluable in a case like this. Sometimes they see things that you don't realize you are doing wrong, othertimes they'll coach you and help you to do better.

[tbf]

No offense intended eastcoastgirl but I'll have to disagree with a lot of your responses, at least in terms of my perspective. This doesn't make your responses wrong or bad. But it does prove that men can't cookie cut women.

[Star Gazer]

No offense intended eastcoastgirl but I'll have to disagree with a lot of your responses, at least in terms of my perspective. This doesn't make your responses wrong or bad. But it does prove that men can't cookie cut women.

 

I agree.

 

And it's also why this thread annoys me, as it's presented like she and she alone has the answers. Which is why I said that if a man has a question, he should start a thread about it, to get the varied opinions that come along with the variencies among women.