boyfriend cheated, got back together, problems with another girl.. me unreasonable?

[sarah16]

Will try to condense this.

Got involved 6 years ago. Awesome 3 years, then he got re-involved with his ex wife.. cheated, left me for her.

 

We stayed in contact and basically it became clear he had unfinished business, so I backed off. Got his ex pregnant, came back to be not knowing she was. Then he was so freaked out and afraid to come clean until I found out from his ex AFTER the baby was born. That caused a load of trauma and we ended up trying to get it together again while he apparantly went off the deep end in a lot of ways.

 

I was obviously having a hard time.

 

He became close friends with another woman. He insisted that she was married, it was only friendship. She was saying the same things. This goes on another year or so, while I am getting more upset and exasperated.

 

The whole time he was telling me that I needed to calm down and then things would be ok and we could fix things. Well I was very upset over all he had done already and I told him straight out the only way I was going to be calming down was for him to jettison the married woman.

 

He treated me pretty badly over her, the whole time telling me that the issue was my own insecurities and emotional problems.

 

We had a lot of blow outs over her, with him saying underneath all of the upset he loved me and he was only friends with her, so calm down everything would be ok. She also insisted it was only friends, but he was around her constantly. And she said a few nasty things to me, telling me that she was closer to him than me.

 

And why did I put up with it? I didn't and I left for a while. After about 6 weeks, he and she argued very badly. She cut off all contact. He then comes back to me and says he is done with that, he realizes she was not really a friend ( she stole something from him) and he doesn't want anything to do with her.

 

So we manage to sort things out, and I calmed down with her gone. It was going great until he went and hung out with his old social group and one of her closest friends was there because usually they all hang out and it really made me anxious. He assured me that he checked if this woman was going to be there. No, she wasn't, so he went.

 

It triggered me. I told him that I cannot (will not) be in a relationship with him if he goes back to talking to her, or being around her. I am so averse and upset by her being around I have panic attacks. I told him my preference is that he never is around her again. Point blank, I felt the whole time that he was cheating on me with her.

 

He says no, it's all my imagination, that I am immature. He has gone back and said he wasn't doing as I asked before because he didn't feel we would really work out.

 

Now he wants to work it out. I would like to, also. But he feels I am being extreme to insist there be no more contact with her. He says I am better off working to get closer with him than worry about her. He also says I can come in and join in the social group and if she is around I will see there is nothing bad happening.

 

I already tried joining the social group when she was around. She attacked me in front of everyone, pushing me, saying nasty things. I let him handle that when it happened.

 

Am I being extreme? He says he would like everyone to be peaceful and get along, but personally after what I went through over that woman, I don't want to be around her and I don't want HIM to be around her.

 

Advise, please. We were getting on better than we having forever, I was starting to calm down and trust him again, now I feel I am being told that though he wants nothing to do with her, he also wants the option of being in the social group where she shows up and be there in a friendly way with her without it being a problem. He did insist he doesn't want to talk to her, but I know if she comes back and kisses up, he will.

[SadHumiliated]

Will try to condense this.

Got involved 6 years ago. Awesome 3 years, then he got re-involved with his ex wife.. cheated, left me for her.

 

We stayed in contact and basically it became clear he had unfinished business, so I backed off. Got his ex pregnant, came back to be not knowing she was. Then he was so freaked out and afraid to come clean until I found out from his ex AFTER the baby was born. That caused a load of trauma and we ended up trying to get it together again while he apparantly went off the deep end in a lot of ways.

 

I was obviously having a hard time.

 

He became close friends with another woman. He insisted that she was married, it was only friendship. She was saying the same things. This goes on another year or so, while I am getting more upset and exasperated.

 

The whole time he was telling me that I needed to calm down and then things would be ok and we could fix things. Well I was very upset over all he had done already and I told him straight out the only way I was going to be calming down was for him to jettison the married woman.

 

He treated me pretty badly over her, the whole time telling me that the issue was my own insecurities and emotional problems.

 

We had a lot of blow outs over her, with him saying underneath all of the upset he loved me and he was only friends with her, so calm down everything would be ok. She also insisted it was only friends, but he was around her constantly. And she said a few nasty things to me, telling me that she was closer to him than me.

 

And why did I put up with it? I didn't and I left for a while. After about 6 weeks, he and she argued very badly. She cut off all contact. He then comes back to me and says he is done with that, he realizes she was not really a friend ( she stole something from him) and he doesn't want anything to do with her.

 

So we manage to sort things out, and I calmed down with her gone. It was going great until he went and hung out with his old social group and one of her closest friends was there because usually they all hang out and it really made me anxious. He assured me that he checked if this woman was going to be there. No, she wasn't, so he went.

 

It triggered me. I told him that I cannot (will not) be in a relationship with him if he goes back to talking to her, or being around her. I am so averse and upset by her being around I have panic attacks. I told him my preference is that he never is around her again. Point blank, I felt the whole time that he was cheating on me with her.

 

He says no, it's all my imagination, that I am immature. He has gone back and said he wasn't doing as I asked before because he didn't feel we would really work out.

 

Now he wants to work it out. I would like to, also. But he feels I am being extreme to insist there be no more contact with her. He says I am better off working to get closer with him than worry about her. He also says I can come in and join in the social group and if she is around I will see there is nothing bad happening.

 

I already tried joining the social group when she was around. She attacked me in front of everyone, pushing me, saying nasty things. I let him handle that when it happened.

 

Am I being extreme? He says he would like everyone to be peaceful and get along, but personally after what I went through over that woman, I don't want to be around her and I don't want HIM to be around her.

 

Advise, please. We were getting on better than we having forever, I was starting to calm down and trust him again, now I feel I am being told that though he wants nothing to do with her, he also wants the option of being in the social group where she shows up and be there in a friendly way with her without it being a problem. He did insist he doesn't want to talk to her, but I know if she comes back and kisses up, he will.

 

This relationship sounds exhausting. Love shouldn't be this hard or filled with this much drama. This guy is emotionally unavailable. He cannot commit to any woman at the moment and has no idea wtf he wants.

 

You don't need this drama. He is just going to keep bouncing back to you because you are convenient, not because he loves you. You are his fallback girl. I would drop him, this social group, and move on. This whole situation is just a trainwreck of bad choices and broken relationships.

[sarah16]

I don't even know at this point. I have a lot of damage from what has happened.

His own thoughts are that is it such a big mess in the past, lets not talk about it and move forward. I feel uncomfortable about that, in the sense that simply, for me, we cannot move forward if he is going to choose to do more of the things that caused the problems in the first place.

 

He says he is done with her as friends ( or whatever it was), doesn't want to talk to her. He wants to be involved in the social group, and I know inevitably she will appear.

 

He tells me that he and I both know she cannot steal him from me. And I ask, then wtf was all that crap over the last 18 months.

 

And he says, do you actually want to reconcile, because you appear to be working very hard at alianating me.

 

I told him that contact with HER is something that alianates me.

 

I also told him that he has asked me to stay in the present instead of the past. I said that is fine, but part of the present is not doing the same things that caused the past problems.

 

He said "OK." and then got up and left.

[SadHumiliated]

I don't even know at this point. I have a lot of damage from what has happened.

His own thoughts are that is it such a big mess in the past, lets not talk about it and move forward. I feel uncomfortable about that, in the sense that simply, for me, we cannot move forward if he is going to choose to do more of the things that caused the problems in the first place.

 

He says he is done with her as friends ( or whatever it was), doesn't want to talk to her. He wants to be involved in the social group, and I know inevitably she will appear.

 

He tells me that he and I both know she cannot steal him from me. And I ask, then wtf was all that crap over the last 18 months.

 

And he says, do you actually want to reconcile, because you appear to be working very hard at alianating me.

 

I told him that contact with HER is something that alianates me.

 

I also told him that he has asked me to stay in the present instead of the past. I said that is fine, but part of the present is not doing the same things that caused the past problems.

 

He said "OK." and then got up and left.

 

The thing is, if he wanted this girl out of his life already, he would have placed those boundaries down a long time ago. He doesn't want her gone. I repeat, he doesn't want her gone.

 

You are trying to force someone with no boundaries, and no want of boundaries to have them. You can't do that. If he cared enough about how you feel he would have done all of this a long time ago. Hell, he would not have gotten involved with her in the first place.

 

You have "Welcome" written on your back. It's not a flattering look.

[It's Just Me]

Too much drama. I would SO be out.