Lost the Ability to Love/Feel Attachment?

[Itstrevor]

Ever since I was very, very young I have always had crushes on the opposite sex. Almost obsessions. I would always used to feel giddy thinking about whoever I liked and just assumed that was how you were supposed to feel about someone you liked.

 

About a year and a half ago I went to college and also went through a breakup from a two year relationship. I really loved that girl and it really hurt when we broke things off. What I didn't know was that this whole ordeal was going to make me spiral into clinical depression.

 

I developed insomnia, anxiety, all the symptoms. My sex drive and ability to feel romantic disappeared. To make things worse, antidepressants make these things disappear too. The doctors said that it would go away in 6 months or so. Well, it's been 18 months, and I am still unable to form any real crushes and my sex drive is still more or less dead. My emotions are blunted relative to what they used to be.

 

I'm not still thinking about my breakup and I'm not even feeling sad or down about anything, I just don't feel like I used to, and it sucks. I don't want to date again if I wouldn't care if whoever I was dating left me and I would be fine without her - in that case I might as well date a rock.

 

I can barely cry either, like as if all my emotions are turned way down. I don't want to live alone... I know that I can't rush things either, but I know that I can't date anyone like this... I tried an MAOI and am trying electroconvulsive therapy.... Nothing works, and if it does, it doesn't work for very long. I don't want to live alone and I don't want to be unable to feel basic human emotions... I even tried therapy, but I just end up getting frustrated because it's not like the therapist can force me to feel a certain way, even though I desperately want to.

 

I know some people might say that I have unrealistic expectations, but how are they unrealistic when I've been able to feel this same type of attraction for 18 years? I know it's not abnormal to feel good being around someone that you like or have a desire to be with a crush. How is that unrealistic? How is that too much to ask? I think that it is unrealistic to expect someone to date someone who they wouldn't care left them. I think that it is unrealistic to expect someone to expect someone not to be bothered by this. I just feel unable to feel any sort of romantic, intimate, or sexual attachment whatsoever and I used to very much so.

 

I've had this issue for a year and a half now and I would have thought it would have left by now, but it hasn't. Therapy has done nothing. The only antidepressants/drugs that have had any sort of impact have been Parnate and Ritalin - both of which quickly formed a tolerance to their pro-sexual effects and neither of which had pro-intimate pro-sensitive effects like I would feel naturally. I've had 11 bilateral electroconvulsive therapy treatments. While they haven't had any affect on my memory or cognition that I notice, they also have not really helped out. There was a time or two where maybe I might have noticed feeling happy, but it only lasted a couple of seconds and I couldn't sustain it. I feel like my life is ruined.

[aliceinthebox]

Feelings of nothingness are normal when you are depressed so don't feel like anything is wrong with you. And from experience it can get better, but it starts with you. I didn't do therapy, but kind off did self-therapy in that I looked inside myself and asked myself questions about certain things and answered them. You would be surprised what you discover when the right question is asked or brought up. I'm not saying self-therapy is what you should do, but therapy is what everyone needs whether it be yourself, a therapist or a hypnotist. Something has triggered inside of you that has caused you to feel this way and the best way you can help yourself is figuring out why you feel the way you do. It's going to take a lot of work, just keep in mind that your feelings are connected with your thoughts so it's not about the therapist being able to make you feel again, but instead getting to the root cause and allowing yourself to identify your problems and working through them.

 

Also, therapy alone can't do it, you got to get out there and find things that are uplifting (ex. a sleeping cat, a kid helping an old lady across the street, skydiving, hanging out with an old friend and just having a beer, volunteering in a soup kitchen). Remembering my experience you might feel indifferent to people and might even find it to be a chore to be with others, but force yourself because you will feel the support of community and it is only with others that you can truly laugh (funny movies alone don't count, it's just different).