Girlfriend used to sleep around, lied about it

[alive_in_dc]

I am 28 years old. Three months ago at my brother's wedding, I met and slept with a previously divorced bride's maid (friend of my new sister-in-law). Lets call her Brenda. She is 32. My brother and his wife were not happy about this, and warned me not to have a relationship with her because she was divorced and "trouble", as they put it. They never gave me any details on why she was "trouble". But, we have continued the relationship happily, going on several trips together. She recently got a transfer to my city and we were planning on her moving in with me.

 

When I shared this with my brother and his wife, they were EXTREMELY upset and filled me in on the details of why Brenda is "trouble". My sister-in-law says that the reason Brenda got divorced was because Brenda was out partying everynight, while her husband was at home. Then, they said that since her separation, she had been sleeping around a lot before I got involved with her and gave me a lot of details that are now burned into my memory. I couldn't believe this because Brenda told me she had only had sex with two other guys besides me and not in the last 2 years at all!

 

So, I asked Brenda about this, and I pried the truth out of her. She said she's sorry for lying and this-and-that, but admits to all of the one-night-stands. Now, I am very weary about proceeding on this relationship:

 

1. She is VERY VERY ANGRY with my new sister-in-law for telling on her. Were we to continue, our relationship with my brother/sister-in-law would be stressed.

2. She has proven to be deceitful, in spite of the fact that she always talks about being honest.

3. She seems to have been VERY selfish in her past relationships.

 

For me to continue on this relationship is a punch in the eye to my brother and his sister-in-law. But Brenda has already accepted the new job offer in my city (which is all the way across the country from where she lives now). She has informed everyone that she is leaving and is planning on the move.

 

Please advise on what I should do.

[Merin]

While I don't condone her lying to you... I also think what is in her past is exactly that.

 

She went through a divorce... was it her fault? Maybe so... however, IMHO it doesn't mean that she isn't entitled to another chance with you.

 

IF she hasn't shown you to be selfish.. and IF you care for her... then I say give her an opportunity.

[SoleMate]

The thing I find weirdest of all is that your sister-in-law calls Brenda a friend and even invites her to be in her wedding party, which most people would see as a sign of esteem and affection, but then rats on her re her private life and calls her a troubled slut. Also, your brother and sister-in-law think that they can tell you who to have a relationship with??

 

For me to continue on this relationship is a punch in the eye to my brother and his sister-in-law.

Hunnhh?? But they introduced you! Maybe they need to look in the mirror as to who is to "blame".

 

It's a separate issue as to whether you continue with Brenda or not. The fact that she has a job and has announced that she is moving is not really your problem. Your relationship started off with Godfather-style bridesmaid sex and has progressed quickly to travel and living together. I would suggest that since she was not a blushing violet when you first encountered her, you have no right to expect that she doesn't have a past. As far as her lies go...well, you didn't really know her well enough to see how honest she is.

 

This whole situation has "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU ACTING SURPRISED FOR?" written all over it.

[alive_in_dc]

Thanks guys for the wonderful advice. It's a bit hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes.

 

Yes I really should have expected as much...I've just had a long conversation with Brenda and expressed all of my concerns about loyalty, honesty, and commitment. There were a few details about her marriage that I didn't know about. Clearly, it wasn't all her fault. She admits to past failures and promises to work extra hard on our relationship. We are proceeding forward cautiously.

 

I at least owe us a chance!

[kellydontwanttasleep]

hey i'm sure your not mr perfect, please. she propably lied to you because most small minded guy turn into morons when you tell them the truth. i do it anyways because i don't give a f*** and if they acted stupid i can kick the shyt out of them. if your into her then give it a shot, but remember all relationships are work.

[250r]

I understand where your comming from, I'm kind of in the exact same situation here. Maybe you can find my post about it for details. I decided to move forward but cautiously as well. Maybe I'll regret it someday since I ignored the signs and red flags but at least I'll know that I didn't miss an incredible opportunity. Regret is a mofo, thats for sure. But at least I gave it a chance. The way I look at it now is shame on me if I don't at least give it a chance - shame on her if she abuses it...

[Cecelius]

Only you can decide where you are with her fundamentally, but I'd say in light of the lies, you might want to step back a little and take stock, especially before she moves in with you. What happens if it doesn't work out -- the next time she lies, if it happens, you'll be predisposed to anger. Who will move out? This is only 3 months old? That's too soon in my mind to move in.

 

She may have perfectly acceptable reasons to have lied (and on that basis it's better not to get into those conversations) but my point is, you know she is capable of lying even about a small thing.

 

That said, just hang back and enjoy yourself. Do not rush into a relationship with her and don't move in together.