Do I have a second chance?

[tjnilles25]

I posted the following message online almost three years ago for relationship advice…

 

 

 

“I'm twenty years old and involved myself in various short-term relationships before I met my current girlfriend (I’ll call her Jenny) over a year ago. Jenny was less experienced at the time, and is a year younger than me. We have been either dating or in a relationship together since the night we met. Everything was perfect for the first six months. We both fell in love, had zero arguments, zero complaints, and were just happy to be with each other. The only consistent reason we'd get depressed in the relationship was because we weren't able to see one another sometimes when we wanted to. We lived apart during the summer, but were still able to see each other every weekend.

 

Then, when Jenny moved back near me in the fall, things changed. She wanted to spend more time with her friends and less with me. We both have busier schedules than before summer, so that leaves even less time for us to be together on top of that. This led to our first major argument, in which I semi-broke up with her. But, it only lasted a week, and we were back together again. I realized I had been selfish, and decided to give her more time with her friends and demand less from her.

 

However, one week later Jenny broke up with me. My girlfriend is a girl who is strongly against PDA's; she barely wants to hold hands in public or even be close to me when around friends. We were at a party, and I saw another guy that she had just met affectionately place and keep his arm around her on several occasions during the night, as if he figured he was going to hook up. All the while I was at an opposite end of the room with my friends, and witnessed her complete lack of acknowledgment that he was doing this. I became slightly irritated, and told him to stop touching my girlfriend, since it was obvious she wasn't going to. I was wrong to approach him and not her about it, but she was wrong to allow something she always considers embarrassing with me to go on with someone else. We both realized this, and the break up didn't last a day. We also agreed that our relationship couldn’t be as serious as I wanted it to be, because Jenny told me she isn't ready for that.

 

After this incident, I gave Jenny more space, barely called her anymore, and let her call me, which is what she wanted. My wants were that she at least call me when she said she was going to, still try to make some time for me (we saw each other less and less), and not change plans we had made without telling me first (these were all recurring but minor problems). So, basically I told her to be more considerate of my feelings, because she was not making me feel the best by pulling this **** day after day. She said she would try to be more considerate.

But, three months and many arguments later, Jenny still acts exactly the same way. This is what led to our recent break. What I'm wondering is, should I stay with this girl that I love very much, and who loves me as much in return? A girl that needs to mature, but one who will only gradually change? There's no telling how long it's going to take, but should I just relax and let her do as she will until she decides to change? What I really want to know is if you feel it's worth it to wait around for a girl like this to want a more serious relationship, when I already want that? I can wait and of course the decision is mine, but how long is too long? Also, how should I change my outlook on the relationship in order to deal with her behaviour that irritated me before? If I have any more questions I'll be sure to post them. I know you can't wait. Thanks for reading my sob story.

 

An addition to my passage:

 

Jenny tells me that she solely desires me and that she can't even think of other guys. She's almost overly kind and doesn't knowingly (at least I think) disrespect me. The mistake she made with that guy at the party was a drunken one and the only incident of its kind that bothered me. He probably thought he was getting lucky, but she's not at all that type of girl. I trust her completely as she does me, and I have no reason to think she is waiting for someone else. Jenny just feels that she isn't ready for a serious relationship because she's in college, and school is her number one priority, which it should be. Also, she is extremely busy with homework and work, and wants more time with her friends that she didn't have when we first were together. Now, these are all things that I can completely understand, but I believe that she has to learn consideration for my feelings and I'm not sure how she's going to accomplish this. We are on a small break right now, but are remaining caring friends. I don't know what will come of this, but I told her we have to make compromises. If she refuses or can't do that much for our relationship, then I will most likely break up with her or at least date other women.”

 

 

 

…Well, less than a month after I made this post Jenny and I were back together only to have our final breakup a week or two later. I made a drunken ass of myself and she decided to end it, which we both agreed to the next day. Jenny said she needed her space and independence, and she wanted to figure out if we really were right for each other while we remained friends. I decided it was too hard to be friends, so I didn’t speak to her in order to not only get over her but to assess my own flaws in the relationship and work on them. She called for a while after the split, but it eventually stopped. We talked once in four months, and both ended up crying over phone. I told her she broke my heart and we couldn’t be friends as she tried to comfort me by saying she would always love me and it would take her over a year to get over me, which made me even sadder.

 

I decided to email Jenny after I came to the realization (four months after the breakup) that throughout our relationship I acted very immature, obsessive, jealous and foolish. When I looked back on how I responded to different situations, I couldn’t believe how I acted. I told Jenny I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship anymore than she was, but I didn’t want to lose her friendship. I didn’t want to pressure her into anything, so I told her to only call me when she genuinely felt like seeing me again. We met for coffee, had a great conversation that reminded me—and probably her—of when we were together, which is probably why she said she wasn’t ready to be friends, felt anger, and never wanted romance between us again. I ran into her a couple times in passing within the next several months, and she acted like we were nothing more than acquaintances. I haven’t seen or heard from Jenny in two years, and now I live at least two thousand miles away. Someone told me she had a boyfriend around eight months after our breakup.

 

I'm now twenty-three years old and I’ve dated over twenty women since the breakup, including an ongoing two-year relationship that began eight months later. The girl (I’ll call her Sarah) in this second long-term relationship has a lot of great qualities, including being considerate, wanting a serious relationship, she’s older (2 years older than me), experienced, mature, and knows what she wants. The funny thing is I don’t want a serious relationship anymore, don’t need to see her all the time, don’t feel jealousy when guys flirt with her, and it doesn’t matter much to me if she answers her phone or calls me right away when I call, which were all problems I had with Jenny that I’ve matured from. It’s hard for me to believe what I wrote in my original post three years ago, and what I considered relationship problems.

 

Sarah and I fell in love after dating for close to a year, and now she wants to move in with me, but this love doesn’t seem to compare to what I felt for Jenny. Every time Jenny’s name is mentioned my heart skips a beat. Also, no matter how hard I’ve tried and I’ve tried very hard, I cannot go a day without at least one thought about Jenny. I know many people say you never forget your first love and it’s the basis for all the relationships that follow, but I at least want to find out if Jenny truly is the one for me. We used to say before we broke up how we wished we'd met when we were older, more experienced, and more mature. Even if Jenny never wants to communicate with me again, I would feel regret for the rest of my life if I didn’t somehow try to open the lines of communication between us. I realize she could contact me--via email since my cell # has changed--anytime she wanted, so maybe this is a hopeless case. My question is how should I go about trying to contact Jenny again? Send her a letter, an email, a card (probably to her parents address since I don't have hers), or call her? Leave her my number or address? How much should I say or how little? Or should I stop being a schmuck, let her go for good, and keep fishing because she would contact me if she really wanted to? Has anyone been in this situation before who has ideas?

 

Thanks for reading.

[tjnilles25]

---CLIFF'S NOTES---

 

Starting when I was 19 years old I dated a girl for 1.5 years, and we quickly and intensely fell in love. We had some relationship problems due to immaturity at the time, and both of us realized we weren’t ready for a serious relationship. We broke up, and she wanted to remain friends. I cut contact with her for 4 months until I figured out my own flaws, and then I tried to regain her friendship. She decided she wasn’t ready for friendship, and we kept our distance. Both of us have dated since—at least 20 women myself—but we haven’t spoken in 2 years. I haven’t found anyone as special as this girl or a love as intense, including an ongoing 2-year relationship I have now. What I want out of a relationship has changed as I’ve matured, and the relationship problems we originally had would never be problems for me now. I feel I need to at least try to re-open the lines of communication between us. Now I’m 23 years old, still have strong feelings for her, and would like to know how to attempt to reconcile?

[kellydontwanttasleep]

i want to answer this but i to finish posting War and Peace on another thread

[Weird]

damn, you have dated 20 women in 4 years? You're the big playa now aren't you?

 

If you feel strongly about this girl then just contact her by whatever way you want although I'd say phone. The worst that happens is she tells you to screw off. You have nothing to lose by contacting her, only something to gain.

 

Oh and you should do something with the Sarah situation because it isn't fair to her for you to keep being with her and thinking about Jenny. Right now you are sorta using Sarah and the more you let the relationship go on with the way you have been thinking the more hurt she may end up being. Remember, if the roles were reversed you would not like to know the girl you were with was thinking about getting back together with an ex and was thinking she didn't even want a long term relationship with you anymore.