The Past

[Blue Gardenia]

I am 42. I've only ever had one boyfriend, at age 39, whom I loved deeply. I believed at the time he loved me, and we talked about a future together. It ended, there was pain in our final moments but I guess that was to be expected. He moved on to another woman quite quickly and married her a year after our break up. We did speak briefly, about 3 months after our break up and within a month of him meeting this woman. I wanted us to try again but he had moved on and wanted to stay with the woman....all the while telling me he still had feelings for me and hadn't closed his heart to me. I guess the latter comments were not fair, as they made me feel that the woman may have been simply a rebound and there was still hope for us.

 

It's been almost 3 yrs, and yes I've stopped ruminating over the questions of how could he move on so fast and fall in love with another girl so quickly, did he actually love me, etc. Regardless of the answers, I know at this point that the answers do not matter.

 

I have never met anyone since. I've been on the odd date, but never a relationship. It could be my age, my looks, whatever. I think I'm reasonably attractive but who knows. ( I've been told in the past that I am smart and interesting, and nice-looking.)

 

I will say that I hurt a great deal for a long time afterwards. I prayed a great deal, I even asked God that He keep me alive in that man's heart, perhaps hoping he would return to me. Before I learned of his marriage, I prayed for reconciliation. Given the marriage that subsequently happened, I know I had to stop praying for reconciliation, and I did, but unfortunately the pain lingered.

 

I'm a hard working individual. After the break up, I continued to work hard at my job, I kept up with my exercise schedule, and hobbies. I cried on my mother's shoulder but did not burden anyone else. I took vitamins and omega3's to keep my serotonin levels up. But I can honestly now say that it hasn't worked. Unfortunately, I'm lonely. Ive had some good friends in the past, but they've dwindled. If I ask a friend to a movie or dinner, they are usually busy. I still pursue my hobbies and sports but these do not generate new friends or dating prospects.

 

My fear is that my loneliness is feeding my past hurt, it is feeding my sense of loss over losing this man, and the feeling that he was the one that got away.

 

More importantly, I find myself questioning God's love and will for me. When all this happened, I thought if i prayed hard enough, a new leaf would unfold in my life. You know, they say GOd always has something better for you? I guess with me, because I had never experienced love or even male attention until I was 39, I thought the wait was over. But for the man I loved, his destiny unfolded in a beautiful way after my absence from his world, whereas my life contracted a great deal to the point where I now spend a lot of time by myself and recognize that I am unlikely to have a family of my own at this age, and probably not a life partner either. Other than my elderly mother I don't have close family members who love and care for me. But I am grateful for my mother.

 

Where have my prayers gone? I've asked for doors to open. I've asked for healing. I've asked for good supportive people to come into my life. Yes, I do ask that the man still think about me from time to time with warmth (of course, I recognize that I will never know the answer to that prayer).

 

I feel as though the opposite of what I prayed for has happened. I do continue to pray for a husband , even for children, but I know that without opportunities such prayers will fail to materialize. I do go on dating websites, but rarely get dates -- especially since I turned 4o. Plus, I'm not white, so that makes it much harder.

 

So to go back to my question...how can I understand my situation from a spiritual perspective, knowing life and love have kinda passed me by, knowing I prayed for a different outcome (from the depths of my soul I prayed!), knowing that I tried so hard to heal yet love and healing came so swiftly to the other man -- yes, I did feel betrayed by his quick new relationship and marriage. Whether that feeling is justifiable or not, the situation stung. I loved once, deeply and briefly, and only once.

 

I am on the path of acceptance of the status quo, but the loneliness and teensy bit of hurt remain. I suspect the loneliness will not disappear, but I am good at staying busy and occupied. But in those moments when I wish someone loved me, or could embrace me when I'm feeling down or stressed, I ask myself: what happened to all those prayers I made? Why did God abandon me? Why did the other man's destiny unfold, whereas mine withered?

Edited June 16, 2013 by Blue Gardenia

[pureinheart]

Hey BG, (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

 

You know, I just didn't know how to respond, so prayed a bit and what I keep hearing in my heart is for you to ask God to reveal Himself to you. I'm not picking up that He will do it through a mate, I feel like He wants to draw you closer to Him.

 

Now I'm not saying He won't send you a mate, although this is a day and hour that is "unusual", meaning He is moving in an unusual way.

 

GBU love....

[Eve]

OP, what faith do you belong to and how long have you been linked to the faith?

 

Take care,

Eve x

[M30USA]

I'm sorry to hear your story. My ex wife's brother went through something similar--except he was left by his fiancé the WEEK OF their wedding! Sometimes you just never know (and will never know) what is in other people's hearts or why they do what they do.

 

“I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.”

―Isaac Newton

[Blue Gardenia]

I'm sorry to hear your story. My ex wife's brother went through something similar--except he was left by his fiancé the WEEK OF their wedding! Sometimes you just never know (and will never know) what is in other people's hearts or why they do what they do.

 

“I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.”

―Isaac Newton

 

Did he end up ok, or years later is he still alone?

[M30USA]

Did he end up ok, or years later is he still alone?

 

He's married now to another woman for 2 years.

[pie2]

I'm sorry for your pain, Blue Gardenia.

 

I'll be praying that God gives you peace and clarity about his plans for your life.

[Blue Gardenia]

Hey BG, (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

 

Now I'm not saying He won't send you a mate, although this is a day and hour that is "unusual", meaning He is moving in an unusual way.

 

..

 

Hi Pure,

I've been thinking about this statement a lot, i.e. "this is a day and hour that is unusual."

 

Are you referring to my life circumstances -- i.e. my age, the late stage in which I experienced first (and only) love, and current prospects for the future?

[angel.eyes]

Hi Blue Gardenia!

 

Hugs! My heart really feels for you. I know you're in pain right now and your situation appears hopeless and unfair to you. I can understand why. But you just have to believe that your situation isn't hopeless.

 

You didn't address the question about your religion, but assuming it's one of the Abrahamic faiths, I'll give you two women to consider. The first is Sarah, who disbelieved God, when he told her he would create a nation through her. She felt she was too old to get pregnant and laughed at the promise. The second is Ruth, the Moabite, who was widowed early and in faith followed her mother-in-law back to Israel and into what seemed to be a hopeless situation. She ultimately remarried and was David's great grandmother. No doubt there are numerous other examples, but those are the first two that popped to mind.

 

God has a plan for our lives. This guy was not meant to be part of your life permanently. Your paths crossed for a reason, and now he has moved on. I know it hurts right now. But in order to find the man you were meant to spend your life with with you first have to let go of someone--mentally and emotionally--who isn't right. You have to accept that it was not meant to be and the relationship is over. In your heart, it seems you haven't really done that yet. You have closed yourself off. It's a natural reaction when you get hurt, but one you have the power to change.

 

What are you doing to expand your social network? To meet other people? To come in contact with other men? To be open to meeting and dating other men?

 

 

ETA:

Also, have you spoken with a reproductive endocrinologist. If not, have your primary physician or your ob/gyn refer you to someone.

Edited June 18, 2013 by angel.eyes

[Blue Gardenia]

Hi Blue Gardenia!

 

Hugs! My heart really feels for you. I know you're in pain right now and your situation appears hopeless and unfair to you. I can understand why. But you just have to believe that your situation isn't hopeless.

 

You didn't address the question about your religion, but assuming it's one of the Abrahamic faiths, I'll give you two women to consider. The first is Sarah, who disbelieved God, when he told her he would create a nation through her. She felt she was too old to get pregnant and laughed at the promise. The second is Ruth, the Moabite, who was widowed early and in faith followed her mother-in-law back to Israel and into what seemed to be a hopeless situation. She ultimately remarried and was David's great grandmother. No doubt there are numerous other examples, but those are the first two that popped to mind.

 

God has a plan for our lives. This guy was not meant to be part of your life permanently. Your paths crossed for a reason, and now he has moved on. I know it hurts right now. But in order to find the man you were meant to spend your life with with you first have to let go of someone--mentally and emotionally--who isn't right. You have to accept that it was not meant to be and the relationship is over. In your heart, it seems you haven't really done that yet. You have closed yourself off. It's a natural reaction when you get hurt, but one you have the power to change.

 

What are you doing to expand your social network? To meet other people? To come in contact with other men? To be open to meeting and dating other men?

 

 

ETA:

Also, have you spoken with a reproductive endocrinologist. If not, have your primary physician or your ob/gyn refer you to someone.

 

Thank you for your beautiful reply, Angel Eyes. Yes, in my darkest moments, I considered these ladies, and the mother of John, and the mother of Moses...but I also remember that God effected miracles for these individuals as a message to mankind. I'm just an ordinary Jane, never the recipient of wondrous life events.

 

For some reason, I'm hurting A LOT these days, even though its coming on 3 years. You may be right, I haven't let him go, even though I know he is married to someone else. The fast turnaround stung.

 

But you are right. I do have an enormous faith in God..since I was a a little girl I would speak to Him and ask Him for help. I always felt His response. So this time, I believed my prayers would work miracles, that something GOOD would happen, whether the man returned to me, or I received someone or something better. That is why I sometimes pray that he thinks about me still, because I believe in God's enormous powers. But I would never pray that his marriage fails, or that he does not have the children that he wanted. We each have our own destinies, and his is his to cherish.

 

I don't really live in a place where there are a lot of single males. I have a very good career so I can't just pick up and leave to move to another city, especially in this economic climate. So I've had profiles on various websites, and I've tried speeddating too, although the events for my age group are limited. I attend business networking events, but the males in attendance are largely married.

 

I have tried counselling to help me move on. I depend a lot on prayer and reflection, hence this post.

 

I've generally been sad since the whole breakup and learning of the new girlfriend and subsequent marriage. Lately, the last few weeks, the hurt has become far more palpable, as though I am re-experiencing the grief all over again. I don't want to be on this place, especially since I know deep in my heart that he is happy. I don't want to be in this headspace or ponder over the why's and what-if's. I know my loneliness is feeding some of this.

[pie2]

I have tried counselling to help me move on. I depend a lot on prayer and reflection, hence this post.

 

Was the counseling effective, do you think? Did you learn any skills to help combat negative thoughts? It definitely seems that Satan is attacking your thoughts, and keeping you trapped in these feelings of inadequacy. Have you ever been diagnosed with depression?

 

God can definitely give us the power to stop harmful thought processes. We can choose to have a different perspective on our life's circumstances.

 

I'm just an ordinary Jane, never the recipient of wondrous life events.

 

Every day is wondrous. Even more so when we know we're being used for God. In what specific areas has God given you spiritual gifts? Are you using them to further His kingdom?

 

I know I feel better when I'm useful!

 

p.s. You don't have to answer here...just things to think about.