question to the cheaters..

[skyisfalling]

I guess I'm just trying to understand a little better what goes on the minds of cheaters.. and i have a couple of questions to ask..

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

I request the BS to not answer the questions with they're selfish, they're entitled, they're narcissists.. i dont disagree with you. But I really wanted to get a grasp of what really goes through the mind of a cheater when they cheat.. Thank you in advance.

[wanting more]

I guess I'm just trying to understand a little better what goes on the minds of cheaters.. and i have a couple of questions to ask..

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

I WAS NOT IN LOVE WITH MY BSO

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THE "LINES" IN THE BEGINNING, THEN I REALIZED I HAD FALLEN IN LOVE WITH XMM, THEN I JUST DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THE LINES

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

I DID NOT

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

NO. DIDN'T WANT IT TO END, EXCEPT WITH ENDING UP TOGETHER

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

I TOTALLY HAD 2 SEPETATE LIVES. I THOUGHT ONLY ABOUT MY AP

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

AFTER 1ST D-DAY I FELT MORE LOVE FOR XMM, IM THINKING HE'S GOING TO GET THINGS IN ORDER AND LEAVE HIS BW. AFTER 2ND D-DAY I REALIZE HE'S NOT LEAVING, HE'S THROWN ME UNDER THE BUS. THEN I REALIZE HOW MUCH IVE HURT HIS BW AND MY SO

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

NEVER!!!!!!

 

I request the BS to not answer the questions with they're selfish, they're entitled, they're narcissists.. i dont disagree with you. But I really wanted to get a grasp of what really goes through the mind of a cheater when they cheat.. Thank you in advance.

 

Sorry for all caps.

[Realist3]

I guess I'm just trying to understand a little better what goes on the minds of cheaters.. and i have a couple of questions to ask..

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

Sure they can. It could be both

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

Because I didn't want to stop.

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

No.

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

Yes, but it was not because of some altruistic awakening

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

I don't compartmentalize. My AP is always on my mind. Is it a double life? Of course.

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

I felt like, "Holy ****! How could I have been so damn stupid to allow her to find out?!! Several years prior my wife said, "If you do, make sure I don't hear about it and keep it out of my face."

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

No. The main reason is because I feel like I have met the person I was intended to meet. Secondly, what many BS's may not realize is that affairs are draining. Balancing two relationships at once takes a lot of energy. It wears on you after awhile. I have told quite a few people that it starts to feel like a burden, but at the same time a burden I would not want to live without.

 

I have had a few friends that knew of my situation ask my opinion about having an affair, and I always tell them not to do it. It is not all unicorns and rainbows even if you never get found out. The only reason I would ever endorse an affair is if the person felt the AP was an essential part of their life's journey, and that they were fully aware of what they were getting into.

 

I request the BS to not answer the questions with they're selfish, they're entitled, they're narcissists.. i dont disagree with you. But I really wanted to get a grasp of what really goes through the mind of a cheater when they cheat.. Thank you in advance.

 

 

Individuals have thousands upon thousands of reasons why they decide to have affairs. So while I find your questions semi-interesting, I don't know if you will really find a consensus that will truly answer your curiosity.

[carhill]

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

IME, yes, it's possible, especially as love and hate are so closely intertwined. The emotions 'flip'. Others can be happy and be wanting to share that happiness as widely as possible. Others share different parts of themselves with different people situationally.

 

In my case, my exW and I had a couple years of discussions, including my admission that my love was dying 'one day at a time', before I embarked on my disclosed EA.

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

I knew the line before the affair, was cognizant of when it was crossed, and did so purposefully. At that point, I didn't care.

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

Occasionally, yes, mainly when I was stepping out of the box of prioritizing my exW and the M over myself to a more balanced prioritizing of self. Comparatively, it felt 'selfish' and the old Catholic guilt kicked in.

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

Most markedly during MC, as the process was predicated upon focusing on the M.

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

Probably not applicable since the A was disclosed and my exW and AP interacted independently.

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

Part was shame for the actions and part was a feeling of success that I had finally been able to care less than she did for myself, a milestone in my life at that point.

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

Neither women nor affairs interest me anymore. I've had my fill of both. I'm a good four years out from both A ending and M ending and feeling better about life than ever before. My only regret is that I wasted so much time and care on such fruitless efforts. I guess the lessons were worth it. Life goes on.

[not-so-sure]

It's probably a bit weird to answer the below without introducing myself, but here goes.

 

I've just recently ended an 18 month affair, about 8 weeks now, but I ended contact for the time being about three weeks ago - we were wandering back into that same space. I may write about that sometime.

 

I'm married with two boys.

 

I guess I'm just trying to understand a little better what goes on the minds of cheaters.. and i have a couple of questions to ask..

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

I've had behaviour which suggests I don't truly love my spouse, the affair for one, but after immersing myself in my family again I'm not sure.

 

The only person I can't live without is myself (and the AP until the last week or so).

 

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

Yes - AP and I openly discussed this was going to the wrong place. And then it did.

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

Occasionally, but TBH I would guess like for most cheaters the guilt is really about getting caught.

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

My AP was in the process of breaking up with her H. I told her that when she did she was to break up with me.

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

I was thinking about my AP when with her, and my AP when with my wife.

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

It hasn't been found out yet, but I am 50/50 on whether I will confess.

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

No. Too much stress.

 

I request the BS to not answer the questions with they're selfish, they're entitled, they're narcissists.. i dont disagree with you. But I really wanted to get a grasp of what really goes through the mind of a cheater when they cheat.. Thank you in advance.

 

My affair wasn't an opportunistic thing. I met this lady many years ago and we both confided we were attracted to each other, even back then. We still are. There's no excuse for cheating, I know that, but there's always context which explains the decisions, but does not excuse it.

 

I'm hopefully off to get counselling this next week or so.

[anne1707]

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

I have always loved my husband and also made that clear to the exOM.

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

Of course I knew a line had been crossed. I didn't stop it because I was being incredibly selfish and was focussing purely on my wants and needs. Gross.

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

Yes. Often

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

Yes and I did stop it a few times but was still too wrapped up in it alll to really follow through with that decision.

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse

 

It certainly felt like a double life at times and it was exhausting. The stupid things is that whilst there were times I was with the exOM when all I wanted to do was get home to be with my H, there were never any times when I wanted to get away from my H to be with the exOM.

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

Telling my H was horrible but I knew I could lie to him no longer. I also knew that I had to bring everything out in the open so that one way or another, it would finally end. I have never felt so ashamed or as much pain as I did that night. But I know that the pain he felt was far worse.

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

Absolutely not. It was cruel, hurtful and I don't like who I was then. I am very happy (and thankful) to still be with my H. If we have any issues now, we will work on those together in a healthy way.

[Ladydrib]

I guess I'm just trying to understand a little better what goes on the minds of cheaters.. and i have a couple of questions to ask..

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

Answer:

Well first I have to say that yes I did cheat. I hate that I did, but it's true. Second I have to say that I am not a cheater. I have learned how I was capable of doing something I never thought I would and therefore cheating is something I will make sure never happens again.

 

In my case I love my h but I don't desire to spend time with him. I also have no romantic interest in him. It's something I've been aware of for a long time and have been communicating to him. I do not feel like I can live without my husband. I do not understand how someone could cheat if they were in a happy marriage. Not that an unhappy marriage makes it okay but it is a vulnerability. It's our duty to either leave an unhappy marriage or to communicate about how it is breaking down in order to fix it. If a couple is trying to fix something, I believe they are at much higher risk for infidelity.

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

Answer:

Once I realized that talking to this man had become inappropriate (it was not inappropriate in subject but in frequency and the feelings it stirred up). Anyway once I identified that there were feelings and I was talking to him so frequently (throughout the day - every day for a month) I started trying to break the cycle at that point. I kept failing and not talking to him hurt my heart and made me feel empty. This is when the internal conflict/ internal war began for me.

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

Answer:

Mostly no. You disconnect and live as though you are separated and start planning to get out. In your mind you have already left.

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

Answer:

Constantly. It was constantly divorce or end the affair. Your head spins non stop all day and all night.

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

Answer:

I constantly thought and still think about the AP.

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

Answer: (my answer is an answer to how I felt when the mm told me his wife found out - btw when she found out the next day he was with me and telling me he wanted to get through this mess and be with me. He has since continued to try to keep the affair but also continues to put on an image that he is suddenly a reformed and committed husband. She only knows a fraction of the story and she thinks he no longer tries to talk to me. If my marriage issues were resolved I would tell her because I think she deserves to know. But right now I'm thankful that this has not gotten more out of hand and I'm trying to work through what is left and clean up the mess the best I can)

Anger. Anger at the mm that he didn't just leave (her or me), why did he stall and drag it out. I always felt like we either needed to leave or stop seeing one another. He always said he agreed but I believe he didn't. I think he wanted to keep the affair going and I was too weak to not give in when I'd end it and he'd pull me back. I never wanted anyone to know that because I felt like it was unnecessary pain for them. I felt like we should either commit to our spouse or get out. So when she found out I felt like it was all so unnecessary. He should have divorced her or just stayed away from me. It's funny that she said the same exact thing to him. By the way, nothing bad has happened to me as a result of the D day so when I say I was angry it is not self serving as people would probably think.

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

Answer:

I hope not! I would say adamantly NO way. But I was also adamantly against affairs before it happened. So I am having to learn to forgive and trust myself. The difference now is I'm not so naive. I learned from this and I hope that the knowledge I gained will be enough to keep it from ever happening again.

 

I request the BS to not answer the questions with they're selfish, they're entitled, they're narcissists.. i dont disagree with you. But I really wanted to get a grasp of what really goes through the mind of a cheater when they cheat.. Thank you in advance.

[Confused48]

Sky,

 

It is very interesting to see the answers of WS's to your questions. Very. However, I do hope you have asked these same questions of your own WS. And insisted upon getting them answered and believe they were answered honestly with no minimizing or sparing your feelings. Your own WS is the most important one to hear from on this topic. But thanks for asking here and thanks to the WS's that answered.

 

If you did ask you WS these questions, I'd be interested to hear what those answered were.

Edited June 16, 2013 by Confused48

[HonestNeurotic]

I guess I'm just trying to understand a little better what goes on the minds of cheaters.. and i have a couple of questions to ask..

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

Love isn't sex to me. Though I now have an open marriage - it's still all secret and nothing really has changed in that regard. He still does not know of my previous affair, and I'll never tell him. Well - never say never. But I LOVE my husband.

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

I actively sought out an affair.

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

yes/no Not on my behalf. On behalf of the BS of my AP.

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

Yes. My MM is too "in love" with me. I think he needs to.....well, a lot of things. I'm afraid that he will be caught - and he doesn't seem to understand that I'm not his backup plan. That I am just a diversion from his life, not the love of his life he never found. He does not see all of me - only a small slice for a few hours.

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

I have a sexless marriage - So if you are referring to thinking as in when we are having sex - then no. I do think of my MM during my regular life at home. I read something and think oh - he would like to know this. But I do the same for a myriad of friends that I have. I did kinda obsess a little in the beginning - thinking of those kisses.

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

I had no dday - but I did finally have a talk with my H about how I cannot deal with the sex situation at home. I thought I could when I married him, but I just cannot. He rather thought that perhaps that meant that I meant to leave him - and he was so sad! But it all turned out okay.

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

Yes. Probably. Though I am rather hoping that I can just continue with what I have right now.

 

I request the BS to not answer the questions with they're selfish, they're entitled, they're narcissists.. i dont disagree with you. But I really wanted to get a grasp of what really goes through the mind of a cheater when they cheat.. Thank you in advance.

 

Every situation is SO DIFFERENT. It's really hard to have statistics on emotional stuff.

[Praying4Peace]

I guess I'm just trying to understand a little better what goes on the minds of cheaters.. and i have a couple of questions to ask..

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

I loved him, as you love a family member you don't want to hurt. I could live without him, otherwise I wouldn't have had the A...because all the other pieces of my life were at home with him (kids, home, friends, relatives, my title of wife and mom)...thus if I couldn't live without him what was the point?

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

Because it started as an EA and we were in love before it got to a PA. Then it was just about us and how we felt about each other and nothing else mattered.

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

I felt guilt to a higher power, but not to my H. I felt guilty that he didn't have the love that I was feeling.

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

Yes, all the time. So many promises between us to try to stop and save what we had at home because there wasn't anything really 'wrong' with our SO's (we were both married). They were good people, just not as compatible.

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

I think it's separated in terms of thinking about consequences and control. When I was with AP I didn't think about my H. He commented he never missed W when he was with me. However, when i was with H I missed AP constantly and AP missed me. It's as if your mind is never off the AP unless you are doing something with your SO (like watching a movie) and then the feelings you have for SO are more 'family/friendzone'. We both also fought more with our SO's so that we wouldn't feel bad not spending time with them or leading them on.

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

I feel afraid and guilty. I felt heartbroken that my H was so upset. But my mind was still on AP. When I cried and asked to be forgiven (the first time) the tears were for AP but I told my H it was because I felt bad. I would pass my depression off as guilt over hurting H. I did feel guilt, but missing my AP was the overwhelming feeling.

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

Never, ever, ever NO. It hurts too much. However, if I remained married there is the chance that it might happen in the future bc even if there is something 'broken' in me...it doesn't mean my H could have fixed it. It's not about H vs AP and if AP is gone then all feelings revert back to the H. Then I was just lonely with H and focused on the happiness of doing the right thing and being responsible and thinking of the benefits of being married to him. I've since gotten D'ed. I know that one can't live with an emotional void and its a ticking time bomb and my H could've cheated next...I didn't want that for him bc I know he'd never leave due to obligations and the vicious circle begins again..this time with another girl's heart broken. (me and H talked about this sense of duty...very eye opening and disturbing).

I request the BS to not answer the questions with they're selfish, they're entitled, they're narcissists.. i dont disagree with you. But I really wanted to get a grasp of what really goes through the mind of a cheater when they cheat.. Thank you in advance.

 

Hope that helps but every situation is different. Find your own truth and then listen to it regardless of whether its horrible or wonderful.

[Coolit]

I guess I'm just trying to understand a little better what goes on the minds of cheaters.. and i have a couple of questions to ask..

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

-of course. Love isn't a fairytale. Human love can be flawed. I think people can even love more than one person. I mever stopped loving my husband. Thankfully he doesn't doubt this.

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

For me I knew I wqs crossin a line from the beginning. Only because i knew there wqs chemistry between us. I did not lie to myself. For the next couple of months I thought I might be wrong because there wqs nothing questionable in our actions. When our conversations turned sexual (not about each orher yet) I knew we had crossed the line. But i could have stopped it before it began.

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

My A wasn't long enough for that. I was still caught up in the excitement when it went bad. I was addicted to te titilation the whole thing brought. I also wqs afraid of life after.

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

-sometimes I wondered how I could do it. Confessing would be on the tip of my tongue but I couldn't. Most of the time my A was carried out while H was occupied elsewhere or at work. During sex I refused to letmyself think about the other man not present.

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

I told my H. He had no idea. I felt completely broken. But he held me and told me he loved me. That tore me apart even more because while pushing the guilt away during my A I had inflicted serious mental health issues on my self and am not full of self hatred.

7) Would you have an affair again? No, it wasn't worth the risk. Yes, in the height of it the sex was fantastic. Being persued and desired got me caught up. But the self destruction it sent me into has harmed me and my family. It also when against everything I believed.

[Mycatsnuggles]

I guess I'm just trying to understand a little better what goes on the minds of cheaters.. and i have a couple of questions to ask..

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

I love my spouse he is a wonderful friend and companion But there has never been that "in love" feeling. I thought it would be ok w/o that. When he began to try to control my life I pushed back by having an affair.

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

I never planned on falling in love with MM. I remember the first time I said ILY the words burst from me without thought, they slipped out with true feeling. I was shocked and yet it was a warm feeling that flushed over me. I pushed him away initially. I knew the line was crossed from sex to love. I never planned on this. I didn't know I could feel this way. I decided to stay w him because you only have one life and I wanted to have him in my life. Neither of us want to leave our families or each other. Selfish I know..

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

Very rarely. I have felt more guilt towards his w. I don't wish to hurt her or his marriage. My h would leave me in a heart beat.

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

Yes. I have had several "stop" points. I couldn't do it. If he had wanted to stop I also it would have been easier. Now I know the stop will be when she finds out. It will permanent and forever.

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

It's always AP on my mind. It's hard not to think of him. There are moments where he moves to the back of my mind when really busy but I always think of him.

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

Afraid for AP didn't want him found out.

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

No. I love him. While it started as sex it has ended up being about a relationship. It's him I want not another.

 

I request the BS to not answer the questions with they're selfish, they're entitled, they're narcissists.. i dont disagree with you. But I really wanted to get a grasp of what really goes through the mind of a cheater when they cheat.. Thank you in advance.

 

Many reasons we cannot be together. We both agree on this. We either maintain the hidden relationship or end forever. For now we choose to stay together. One day in the future we may end of our own volition or be forced to by BS.

[Praying4Peace]

Sky,

 

It is very interesting to see the answers of WS's to your questions. Very. However, I do hope you have asked these same questions of your own WS. And insisted upon getting them answered and believe they were answered honestly with no minimizing or sparing your feelings. Your own WS is the most important one to hear from on this topic. But thanks for asking here and thanks to the WS's that answered.

 

If you did ask you WS these questions, I'd be interested to hear what those answered were.

 

I hope you don't find it disrespectful for me to say this...but an A makes you a pretty skilled...um...'convincer'. Once we decide what we want (to stay M) you also justify whatever it takes to make that happen. The ends justify the means, as my xMM used to say. You have to say what she wants to hear, make it convincing...bc if you can't then you may as well pack. You can't be truthful and keep the marriage. He also said the insistence by the BS to not spare any detail, not to minimize is just part of the game...they dont' want to know the truth, they want to be able to R and you want to be able to R so say what you have to to get there. This obviously isn't always true and some people really do honestly disclose and are genuinely staying for the spouse and not the comfort!!!! But only actions tell, not stories.

[dichotomy]

 

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love .

 

Define "truly love":confused:

 

I have had this very discussion with cheaters and those who have been cheated on. It is surprising that how one individual defines "true love" is vastly different than an others.

 

This has come up in my own couple therapy. My wife and I are miles apart on what it means to love an other person - particularly in a romantic/sexual or relationship way and as it relates to cheating.

[skyisfalling]

Sky,

 

It is very interesting to see the answers of WS's to your questions. Very. However, I do hope you have asked these same questions of your own WS. And insisted upon getting them answered and believe they were answered honestly with no minimizing or sparing your feelings. Your own WS is the most important one to hear from on this topic. But thanks for asking here and thanks to the WS's that answered.

 

If you did ask you WS these questions, I'd be interested to hear what those answered were.

We are currently no contact ever since dday.

 

Thank you everyone for your responses, they have helped me along this difficult journey.

[viennawaits]

I am not sure this will be helpful to you or not, but here are my answers.

 

I was a MW, had an affair with MM. It has been 4 years from DDay and my H and I are reconciled and doing pretty well.

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

I loved my husband very much. Our marriage had been rocky for a long time before the affair. No, I didn't suddenly stop loving him at the moment the affair started.

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

I knew from day one that it was wrong, but I was really thinking OM could be my future. BTW, I did stop and have reconciled with WH.

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

Of course I did! Unless your spouse is a sociopath they do too.

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

Yes, when I began to discover that OM was an alcoholic, needy, broken person (who still is all those things) and that my husband, despite his faults, truly loved me.

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

Maybe I'm not very good at compartmentalization. My A didn't go on for years without me breaking down and telling H, though. It was about 2 months in.

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

I told him about it myself. I felt guilty and relief at the same time.

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

No

[janedoe67]

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

Before my first affair I think I almost hated my husband, and the feeling seemed mutual. We had had long term struggles and I had given up. I gave up again several years later, but I didn't hate him...I just resigned myself to the fact that all he really wanted was a friend and not a wife.

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

The first time I tricked myself into thinking I could enjoy the flirting without getting in too deep. The next time I just was angry and made a conscious selfish decision.

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

I did, but I tried to push it away, work up anger at my husband, or twist my thinking into thinking that if I was getting "this" need met elsewhere I could be a better wife to him without asking him for what he didn't want to give. I know...wrong wrong

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

All. The. Time.

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

It was and it wasn't. I shut off the sexual/sensual part of myself at home and tried not to think about my husband when not at home....but they eventually bleed into each other and it is impossible not to feel it.

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

I confessed my first one, so I had already cycled through the ending of the A, the crash, the feeling I could never tell, the knowing I had to tell, the willingness to do whatever it took and not expect anything. Being found out was harder because I had to cycle through all those things while he knew, and it was way more frustrating for him.

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

I hope to God not....but I have big time issues. That is why I am here

[Charlie Harper]

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

YEs I loved her, but after she sent me to the hospital and left me there like a Dog, something broke, so I figured out all I could not see and our seeminly perfect relationship was based on convenience, That and a ton of other reasons (feeling lonely) were the perfect recipe for an A.

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

I did not stop for 3 reasons. 1 She was very undertanding and a super friend. 2.- She told me (my AP) to take care of my marriage and do stuff, she even paid a party cruise with haloween costumes on Manhattan Island. 3 after all this and 40 days of no sex I crossed the line

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

No, I felt great that someone that I liked so much and was my best friend, had fallen in love with me and I with her.

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

Yep several times, but even we tried separation for some months to go back home and fix things, in the end we returned

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

In my case I only though of my AP , because my wife di not gice a rat ass about me

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

We were never caught, we have been in no contact for 4 months, but I will divorce, even if she is not in the picture. I am Tired of being like furniture in my home.

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

No, because I will divorce

[So happy together]

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

YEs I loved her, but after she sent me to the hospital and left me there like a Dog, something broke, so I figured out all I could not see and our seeminly perfect relationship was based on convenience, That and a ton of other reasons (feeling lonely) were the perfect recipe for an A.

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

I did not stop for 3 reasons. 1 She was very undertanding and a super friend. 2.- She told me (my AP) to take care of my marriage and do stuff, she even paid a party cruise with haloween costumes on Manhattan Island. 3 after all this and 40 days of no sex I crossed the line

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

No, I felt great that someone that I liked so much and was my best friend, had fallen in love with me and I with her.

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

Yep several times, but even we tried separation for some months to go back home and fix things, in the end we returned

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

In my case I only though of my AP , because my wife di not gice a rat ass about me

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

We were never caught, we have been in no contact for 4 months, but I will divorce, even if she is not in the picture. I am Tired of being like furniture in my home.

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

No, because I will divorce

 

Every BS should read this because from what I have heard from MM/MW, this is how they felt. I see BS's say this was not the case. Yes, yes it is.

[Lecturer]

Based on my extensive research of cheating and non-monogamy, I'd like to give answers that I feel are composite of many people.

 

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

Absolutely. People hurt the ones they love all the time, sometimes actively, sometimes passively. With cheating they aren't intentionally trying to hurt their spouse, and in fact they try very hard for the spouse to never find out and thus not *actually* be hurt (in which case the 'hurt' is philosophical).

 

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

Cheating is usually a gradual process, where many thin lines are crossed. Each one has its own motivations and justifications. Sometimes people will stop at various points (lines), when they are serious turning points. That said, once a line is crossed, it becomes very easy for cheaters to continue past that line... the guilt and significance is severely reduced.

 

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

Most cheaters do feel guilt at various points during an affair. How severe depends on the person's conscience and their justifications (valid or not). That said, they usually don't feel a lot of guilt in the 'throes' of the affair... it's drowned out by the excitement and pleasure.

 

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

Again, most cheaters do feel that they want to (or should) stop at some points, often at those 'lines' that were mentioned earlier. Once again, it depends on the person and their motivations/justifications.

 

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

Generally, cheaters think very little about their spouse while with their AP. A big reason they're with the AP in the first place is for escape... if they thought about their 'normal life', the affair wouldn't be nearly as attractive and enjoyable so they wouldn't be doing it in the first place.

 

When with their spouse, they probably think about their AP since the affair likely brings them more joy than their normal life. It's a fantasy in the back of their mind, a 'happy place' they can go to to make things more enjoyable in their day-to-day life.

 

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

Typically they feel intense guilt, shame, and embarrassment. Everything they've constructed has come crashing down and now they have to face reality. For cheaters, it is when they are found out that marks the event of them hurting their spouse - NOT of when they actually cheat.

 

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

This isn't really a valid question because people rarely go into affairs consciously. MANY cheaters are people that had previously claimed to themselves or others that they would NEVER cheat, and even more would never think they'd find themselves doing such things. But cheating is a product of environment and situation. People don't want to admit it, but given the right circumstances (a theoretical normal relationship and affair possibility) MANY people would end up cheating.

[So happy together]

If you were to speak with my husband, he would tell you that you're very wrong.

 

I'll get his answers to the questions this evening and then post them.

 

If it is true, you are one of the few. Congrats. I mean that sincerely. You're lucky.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I guess I'm just trying to understand a little better what goes on the minds of cheaters.. and i have a couple of questions to ask..

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

think that people can cheat and love both partners - I did. I was married very young and I love(d) my husband very much, but there are a lot of variables over the years - not because of him but mainly because of me. I do believe I got married way to young, but that doesn't negate the love my husband and I had for each other nor the children we have together. I just allowed (and I do mean allowed) someone else to cross the boundaries and became intimately involved with someone else. I am one that does not believe that there is one person on this earth for everyone. I believe you can be compatible with many people. My xom and I had an incredible connection - starting from friendship first and then crossed lines we shouldn't have crossed.[/i]

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

I think that unfortunately once you cross the line and even start having the feelings and thinking certain thoughts it is difficult to retreat. I imagine there are a few that can and do, but most don't. I think on many levels we knew what we were doing was wrong and both of us did try to stop several times and thought we could, but in reality the pull was too strong. It wasn't because we didn't love our spouses - we loved each other and our spouses. I know - weird.

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

Of course. It is not easy living two lives. I sometimes think it would have been easier had we all not known each other. But imagine this - we would have just been together during the day and then went to worship team practice later that evening. Or maybe out to dinner with our spouses or a group of friends. This was a constant, very stressful way to live because we had to try to hide our obvious feelings for each other in mixed company. It's no way to live.

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

see above response

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

I thought about my AP constantly - all of the time. I wanted to be with him all of the time. It was extremely hard. I think the same was true of him. He would send me a morning greeting every day, we communicated a great deal during the day even if we didn't see each other. He was the first thing on my mind in the morning and he told me I was the first thing on his and at the time I believed I was. Because we were all friends when texts came in I read many of them to my husband and I'm sure he did to his wife. It was f***d up situation.

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

It was the most sickening, gut wrenching feeling ever. There were so many things to consider. Of course, his wife discovered it first and didn't want anyone to know. So it was the three of us that had this secret and we would continue to go to church, go to dinner, hang out, etc. Then the second dday was when my husband found out. It was horrible. I never, ever want to experience anything like that again. And then the scandal that followed with our names being read before the church, etc. Horrible. And the pain for everyone, the division of friends and even family - I just hope some day forgiveness will happen all arond.

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

God willing - absolutely not - I work hard to keep myself out of situations where that can possibly happen. I am kind to men, but I do not flirt in anyway. I don't become involved in intimate discussions. It's kind of sad really because i am a very witty, fun loving person and I even question when I tease someone of the opposite sex now because I don't know how it's going to be taken. Also, I don't know who is thinking that I am easy and will jump into the sack with anyone. It is not fun to have to be worried about your every move now and how it will be received.

 

I request the BS to not answer the questions with they're selfish, they're entitled, they're narcissists.. i dont disagree with you. But I really wanted to get a grasp of what really goes through the mind of a cheater when they cheat.. Thank you in advance.

[waterwoman]

So happy- are all the other WS who replied differently to Charlie Harper lying then? I don't think it's rational to generalise. I could speculate on my H's replies wouldwould be and they'd be very different.

[Lecturer]

lilmisscantbewrong's post fully reflects what I've seen - if you compare it to what I wrote you'll see a lot of consistency. A very typical cheating scenario.

 

lilmisscantbewrong... one thing I found appalling & shocking about your post was when you said your names were read at the church?! WTF?! Why on earth did that happen, and who in their right mind thought that type of thing was okay?

[So happy together]

I AM lucky, but I believe there are more of us than you would like to believe.

 

Just do me a favor and realize there are a lot more of US than you would like to believe. xx