37 and never had a long term relationship

[MissVivacious]

I am a woman who is 37 and I have never had a long term relationship. It has now gotten to the point where I have lost hope of having children and getting married. I am not fussy and I have tried everything. I have no trouble attracting men. I am good looking, fun, outgoing and I have friends both male and female. all my friends are in long term relationships or married.

 

I have tried everything internet dating, actually don't have a problem getting dates. I have a professional job, my own place. I enjoy lots of activities. I am very sporty, interested in arts and culture. I am always out I like meeting new people I always have. I have put myself out there on a weekly basis now for 7 years! I have had period where I have gone out with a man who asked me. The only criteria I gave myself was that he wans.t married or in a ltr and I could spend up to 2 hours with them.

 

Everyone I know in those 7 years who was single has had at least one long term relationship. My relationships do not last more than 3 months. My last relationship the guy said "he was not feeling it" and the relationship before that the guy whilst initially saying that he was looking for more, then said when I indicated I wanted more said he did not want more. But both these men want to be my friend.

 

I am so tired of being alone, doing everything by myself, going on holiday by myself I have done this for 7 years now. all that time everyone said I would meet some one. I had genuine hope. Something I am fast losing. I don't understand why men leave me? Can anyone help?

Edited June 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BluEyeL]

We cannot know why men leave you, you don't give enough info. I'm sorry you have so many difficulties.

 

Why don't you read some self help books and books on relationships to see if you are doing anything wrong that might be driving them away? Maybe you need to change the way you behave when you start a relationship and reading some of these books might help you see what you're doing wrong.

[Janesays]

Listing strictly your positive qualities won't give us any insight to why these relationships go wrong.

 

If you're getting lots of dates with the types of men you want and it's STILL not panning out, it's most likely something YOU are doing. You might have to dig deep, but until you change whatever is holding you back, your situation will remain the same.

 

If you want help here, you're going to have to tell us how these relationships start, how they progress, and why they end. Being specific about your action and the reactions of the men is the best way to paint an accurate picture for us.

[BradJacobs]

Are you a virgin?

[Eternal Sunshine]

How long was your longest relationship? And how long ago was that?

[MissVivacious]

Hi, thanks for replying to my post. My longest relationship was 7 months. It was 7 years ago.

[MissVivacious]

No. But I have not slept with many men. Mostly because they don't stick around long enough for me to develop a level of intimacy where I think it is right to sleep with them. First date does not cut it.

[MissVivacious]

yes, Eternal Sunshine, I think it must be something I am doing. I have read loads of books asked lots of friends. Being to a life coach. They all say the same thing that it is difficult to meet the right person and I haven't meet the right person. The men I am meeting do not seem to want a long term relationship with a view to marriage. I am traditional in this sense. Apparently this is not what most men nowadays want? I don't believe that myself. I know friends who have recently marriage. If they met someone. I can too surely?

[Eternal Sunshine]

MissV,

 

Your longest relationship of 7 months, was it a close and serious one? And how did it end?

[mammasita]

I know this will sound silly, but have you ever seen the millionaire matchmaker? I ask because she tells her women clients that they need to let go of their masculine energy. Not saying they look masculine but similar to your description of yourself, they are strong, independent women and don't need a man to "bring home the bacon"

 

I struggle with letting men take the lead all the time.

[impendia]

I know this will sound silly, but have you ever seen the millionaire matchmaker? I ask because she tells her women clients that they need to let go of their masculine energy. Not saying they look masculine but similar to your description of yourself, they are strong, independent women and don't need a man to "bring home the bacon"

 

I struggle with letting men take the lead all the time.

 

Some of us men enjoy dating strong, independent women.

[xpaperxcutx]

You are an independent woman with a professional job, your own place, sporting hobbies and activities; money... you basically have everything a successful man has.

 

As someone has pointed out, you may exhibit masculine energy without realizing it. Some men like a successful and independent woman, but after a certain time, they may feel emasculated because you can stand on your own. I'm sure most men like an independent woman, but sometimes they also want a woman who can turn to them emotionally from time to time.

 

You need to assess how you are in a relationship? Are you emotionally distant? Are often more logical than needed? Look into that.

[Ripnet]

. I am very sporty, interested in arts and culture.

 

Most men aren't really into "arts and culture" kind of thing. If you're not dating men with higher social class maybe you need to do so.

 

For example I wouldn't enjoy an art collection as much as going dancing or some kind of physical activity.

[crederer]

I had a former boss who was successful, very attractive, could get dates all the time. Her story sounds similar to yours. The truth is she was an absolute bitch. And I don't just mean in the workplace either. We went out some nights to hang out and the way she conducted herself was ridiculous. She always played the "woe is me" card, saying she could never find a decent man. Everyone knew why she was single except for her.

 

Not saying you are this way, but I'm sure she didn't think she was either. Just saying, try to look at yourself from a different perspective.

[FitChick]

What is your ethnic background? It sounds like English is not your first language. Do you date within your own culture or date men from many different backgrounds? Different cultures have different expectations.

[MissVivacious]

Eternal Sunshine, Yes it was a close serious relationship. I knew the guy as a friend a year before we went out. I knew I liked him the minute I meet him. The chemistry was palpable. It ended because he said he did not live me. I was heartbroken.

[MissVivacious]

Hi mamasita, actually I think that there may be some truth in the millionaire matchmaker. I do like me to lead, but I don't like men who decide without knowing me/ asking me first. I think this maybe problematic because asking can be seen as a weakness and men like to appear strong. I am opinionated and I am bright. I have been known to let men know they aren't right. But I am always matter of fact about it. Not snidey. But this is something I have definitely got better over the years. I have learnt to go out with bright men. It's less of a problem here.

[MissVivacious]

Thank you for your contribution crederer. You are right it is always good to look at another perspective. I am not a bitch though. I am pretty sure about this.

[Weezy1973]

OP -

 

The first thing I would mention is that dating being difficult or finding someone to be in a relationship with being hard is a complete myth.

 

The vast majority of adults are in monogamous relationships. In my county it's ~80% of the population. We can safely assume if the majority of the population can achieve something, it's not that difficult.

 

That being said, it clearly is more difficult for some people. The fact that you're longest relationship was only seven months and it was seven years indicates that indeed, you are someone that find it difficult to find a relationship.

 

In my experience, women who consistently have difficult finding relationships, have that difficulty for one of two reasons (and often both):

 

1. Perfectionism. There is a ton of external pressure on women these days. They have to be attractive and slim. Also intelligent and career driven. Also nurturing and empathetic. Both independent and strong, while being soft and feminine. There is pressure from society, particular cultural pressures, pressure from family, pressure from the social circle and pressure from men. When women try to appease all these parties, they often become perfectionists and work very hard to try to achieve these impossible standards.

 

Unfortunately, perfectionism is incredibly unhealthy mentally and extraordinarily draining. Instead of trying to live an authentic life, the woman is working so hard to satisfy the external pressures, instead of living a life that is true to herself and values.

 

It's also draining for men. Most men over a certain age can sense a woman that is a perfectionist (often she's GREAT on paper - just like you OP) and they will run. Perfectionists are also often looking for the "perfect" relationship and will attempt to look for the perfect man as well, instead of trying to find someone that they truly connect with on a deeper level.

 

Being a perfectionist does not bode well for relationships.

 

2. Fear. Fear of abandonment is the most common one I see. Usually women who fear abandonment want nothing more to be in a secure, loving, monogamous relationship, but when things start to go that way, their fear kicks in and they will often do things to sabotage the relationship. Sometimes they will also choose emotionally unavailable men because it's a much "safer" environment.

 

Also of course there is fear of commitment and fear of rejection, but I think fear of abandonment is the big one.

 

All in all, it's safe to say that if you're single, and want to be in a relationship, but struggle to find the relationship, it's time to look internally and explore your own values and demons.

 

Out of curiosity, what is your dad like? What was your relationship with your dad like?

[Cutiepie1976]

No. But I have not slept with many men. Mostly because they don't stick around long enough for me to develop a level of intimacy where I think it is right to sleep with them. First date does not cut it.

 

Trust me, the issue is not refusing to hop into bed after a couple of dates. Men will wait a long, long time for the right woman. I am traditional on this front too.

 

Your issue isn't attracting and dating men. You clearly have the looks and social skills to do that. The issue is they're skittering away as soon as the intoxicating buzz of initial infatuation starts to wear off a few months in. Then reality sets in, and the realization that they could never actually tolerate living with you. You wouldn't be able to meet their needs in a relationship.

 

Men want to be respected. They want to be admired. They want to be cared for in a long-term relationship. When he's ill, he wants to know that you'll be there to comfort him and feed him chicken soup. That you'll have his back and always be in his corner. That he can depend on your loyalty. That he plays a role in your life and you need him in some way.

 

You can still be capable, accomplished, successful, opinionated, independent, and all the rest. These are very appealing and attractive qualities to many men. They aren't mutually exclusive with having a softer side, although some women act as if they are. You can be both, and the best women are. Then you're truly golden. For some, it's intuitive and second nature. For many, it's something they have to work on.

 

I haven't read this book, but a number of my friends found it very helpful in learning to deal with this dynamic: Mars and Venus on a Date. There are others in the series, but given where you are, read that one.

 

Love your username BTW. It's leaving me very chipper and perky right now!

[Cutiepie1976]

Oh, and see a reproductive endocrinologist. Have your eggs harvested and frozen at a reputable center. You're the perfect candidate for this! It will relieve your anxiety and give you plenty of time to focus on finding the right partner. The window for harvesting your own eggs typically closes in your early forties (usually around age 42) after which you're generally stuck using donor eggs should you need in vitro. If having your own biological children is important to you, don't dilly dally on this.

[MissVivacious]

Dear Fit,

 

I apologise for my bad spelling. A definitive case of not paying enough attention and typing too fast to check that auto correct has not gone crazy. Depends on what you mean by ethnic? If you mean am I white. Then the answer is no. There is a whole continent filled up with people like me so I am kind of common is some parts of the world, just not the part I am living in.

[MissVivacious]

CutiePie1976,

Mmm, I am working out my difficulties with men committing. The issue is that men don't want to commit and I need some commitment up front. Things like only saying things that you mean. Apparently I am asking to much in this respect. I am coming to accept this and recognise that I shouldn't take anything an stranger says to me as the truth of what they are going to do, but take it all with a pinch of salt. People not just men say stuff they don't mean. I am very naïve in this way and so find it difficult to trust if someone doesn't keep their word. It is only simple things like. If someone says they are going to call then they should, texting is a poor substitute in my book.

[Younes]

I am a woman who is 37 and I have never had a long term relationship. It has now gotten to the point where I have lost hope of having children and getting married. I am not fussy and I have tried everything. I have no trouble attracting men. I am good looking, fun, outgoing and I have friends both male and female. all my friends are in long term relationships or married.

 

I have tried everything internet dating, actually don't have a problem getting dates. I have a professional job, my own place. I enjoy lots of activities. I am very sporty, interested in arts and culture. I am always out I like meeting new people I always have. I have put myself out there on a weekly basis now for 7 years! I have had period where I have gone out with a man who asked me. The only criteria I gave myself was that he wans.t married or in a ltr and I could spend up to 2 hours with them.

 

Everyone I know in those 7 years who was single has had at least one long term relationship. My relationships do not last more than 3 months. My last relationship the guy said "he was not feeling it" and the relationship before that the guy whilst initially saying that he was looking for more, then said when I indicated I wanted more said he did not want more. But both these men want to be my friend.

 

I am so tired of being alone, doing everything by myself, going on holiday by myself I have done this for 7 years now. all that time everyone said I would meet some one. I had genuine hope. Something I am fast losing. I don't understand why men leave me? Can anyone help?

 

hello Miss Vivacious hope you are doing well , first of all i want u all to excuse my bad english

sorry i just read your post and i want to tell you that you will find ur perfect man just be patient ,

i think that for the long term relation you can not say that u r the one who make mistakes , but both of you did

[smile1983]

CutiePie1976,

Mmm, I am working out my difficulties with men committing. The issue is that men don't want to commit and I need some commitment up front. Things like only saying things that you mean. Apparently I am asking to much in this respect. I am coming to accept this and recognise that I shouldn't take anything an stranger says to me as the truth of what they are going to do, but take it all with a pinch of salt. People not just men say stuff they don't mean. I am very naïve in this way and so find it difficult to trust if someone doesn't keep their word. It is only simple things like. If someone says they are going to call then they should, texting is a poor substitute in my book.

Sometimes people say things and mean it at the time but life gets in the way. You have to cut people some slack when it comes to calling you. You may be coming off as too needy.