Up and down

[kjm07]

So, my husband and I have been separated on and off for nearly 2 years. In short, I left first, we tried again, and then he realised he couldn't get over the past and the fact that I had left him previously. So, when he said he couldn't go on, I returned to the city I was originally from to be closer to my family and support network.

 

We had always maintained a closeness - actually, love, for each other. We both said it and it really had become a case of we can't live with each other and we can't live without each other. So, when he told me that was that I moved away to try and deal with things once and for all. I know wonder if that was a huge mistake as the distance between us is greater than ever.

 

So, three months on, I am miserable. Not all the time, but deep down i am. I have been doing all the things I know I need to do. I have been keeping busy, exercising like a maniac (benefit that I've lost weight that needed to be shifted), got back in touch with friends, even started my own small business.

 

We have had limited contact to address things like finances etc. I have tried to resist texts etc and I just feel like the distance between us is enormous. I have known this man for 20 years of my life. We have loved each other and been close for that long.

 

I know there were problems and the marriage was far from perfect. But I can't seem to let go. I still wanted to try - he didn't. I would love to know what others do to reach the point of being able to accept the marriage as being over. I don't want to believe it and I struggle every day to keep him out of my thoughts.

 

I'm open to any advice. I know what I need to do - I'm struggling with how to achieve it - ideas???

 

Thanks in advance

[robfos]

I'm in a similar situation. 3 months out and I'm still struggling to be happy and not anxious/depressed all the time. I have so much going on in my life as well. Job is good, meeting new friends, going out and playing open mics with my guitar, spending as much time as I can with people, bought a new bike to start exercising daily, but those pangs of pain haven't relented. So many things remind me of her and how painful the break up was. It was getting better, but it seems like the pain lately has leveled off. Not getting better or worse, just stagnating.

 

What I'm going to try doing is getting more counseling and start writing down my feelings. I've heard keeping a journal helps and I think I need to start doing that. I wish I had better advice for you, but I can say you're not alone. How do you move on from someone you loved so much? They become a part of you and it's not easy to let that go.

[Yasuandio]

It took me now close to 5 years, and an insane four-year protracted divorce to figure this out.

 

1. No Contact. None. None at all.

 

2. Get it straight in your mind what you really NEED to live and survive. You do not need him to live. You need food, water, and shelter to live. In fact, you do not even need to live, if you want to get technical about it.

 

3. Once you comprehend #2, then, STOP WANTING HIM. That's right, stop wanting him. He is only a desire - not a need. You don't have to have him. You don't need him to go forward. You don't have to want him.

 

This is not all easy breezy. But it is smart thinking. People want what they don't have. People want what they cannot have. It is human nature. The solution is to stop wanting something you don't have - then you won't have to deal with the fall out.

 

4. Drop The Rope.

 

Once you really stop wanting and desiring him, "dropping the rope," is a natural outcome - and you are no longer exuding or expending any energy in his direction because you really don't care about it anymore

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And many time when you get your head screwed on straight, oftentimes, the paradigm shifts, and the dumper becomes the pursuer - and you may find you husband wants you back (at the very point you are repulsed by him - and it is too late).

 

Do not use this possible potentiality as your reasoning though - because it is only a posibility, and once you flush him from your system (for real), you may very well not want him, or even be sickened by his sight, for good reason. As, it is always a good idea to remember, always remember these times you are going through right now. Don't ever forget these days, weeks , months (which will turn into years if you don't wake up and smell the coffee).

 

Trying to help via my advanced credentials at the School of Hard Knocks. Yas

[kjm07]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply.

 

Robfos - our situations do sound very similar. I bought a journal book a week ago so I am going to kick myself in the butt and start using it - TODAY! I have also got an appointment next week to see a new counsellor. Fingers crossed - for both of us

 

Yas - thank you so much for such a detailed response. I like structure so your step by step approach absolutely helps. I know the no contact rule is important. He has indicated that he would like us to maintain a relationship / friendship moving forward. The more I think about that the more impossible I find it to comprehend. While I saw him as my best friend, I have found it so painful on the few occassions we have seen or spoken to each other. Maybe in time it will be easier but for now I am going to let go of that being a possibility.

 

I've often thought it would be so much easier if I did hate him - or, better still, didn't care either way.

 

Patience has never been my forte so I will just keep on keeping on.

 

Thank you both again. Your advice has helped, and, as you said Robfos, this forum is absolutely helping to know I'm not alone.