3 months and feeling better

[hayewils]

Hello All,

Ive now made it to the three month mark. I still haven't heard from my wife, nor seen her.. Thankfully I haven't seen her, otherwise I would be right back down in my hole that ive been trying to come out of. I am still scared to death to go anywhere cause of the fear I may run into her. What I do know is that she likes to shop at a different grocery store than me, but I still constantly look everywhere for her. If I saw her, I don't know what I would do, RUN!

After long thoughts, thinking about us and our relationship, I have come to the painful realization that she was very unhappy and was not in love with me. I have learned to accept that although a painful realization.

I have been feeling so so much better, I have come to the point where she isn't on my mind as much but she is still there. Is going to take more time for all that to continue to fade. I don't look through my phone for that email or text message that never comes. I am mad at her as well for her decision to do what she has done, I feel everything is a waste, I was nothing more than a piece of disposable garbage to her. All that was done for this wedding, this marriage, gone. I tried to do all I could, I worked my butt off to try to make her happy, but ive learned that I cannot make anybody happy, I cannot make anyone love me, I cannot make anyone want to be with me. I remember telling her before we got married, that if she was ever unhappy, to please leave.. Well, guess she took me up on the offer.

I have finally come to the point where I can think about other things, I can even laugh a little now. things are becoming easier. Although I still don't want to go anywhere or do anything.. I still look forward to just being home. Cant leave work soon enough but, time does heal. Another thing that I know, is that I will never let anyone close to me, I will never let anyone into my heart again. Ive noticed that I have a lot of resentment in myself. I have got onto some dating sites for curiosity, would there be anyone interested in me, am I still attractive to anyone.. Have a bit of a low self esteem problem ya know.. I have received some interests from a couple women but I have noticed that I am just disrespectful and spiteful towards them. So obviously not ready and don't feel I want to mess with it anyway. There is still a lot of healing time to take, that's all I have is time.

So to all that are just starting your grieving process, you will make it. we will all heal.

[Yasuandio]

YOU ARE DOING GREAT!

 

I am also trying on-line dating, and now feeling my deep anger surfacing. As well, an uncontrollable tendency to take it out on others. I am glad to see I am not alone. I believe it is a sign we are not ready to date. Just last week I told a girlfriend that the divorce made me feel I had a limb ripped off. (My 28 anniversay would have been yesterday.) Even though I thought I had gotten past this, since the divorce was final last September, it still lingers.

 

Keep up your good work, and your excellent observations of your conduct. Self reflection is what will propel you out of theis black hole. Congratulations on your progress! Yas

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

hayewils,

 

I could have written this nearly verbatim - I to am 3 months into my separation and I have accepted that this will be a divorce. I am even prepared to file the papers myself.

 

I to avoid contact with my wife at all costs. Even long email exchanges I find bring me down. Its so hard with kids in the middle as I have.

 

I find myself still breaking down regularly - at least once a day - but its not the thought of her that brings it on. I'm actually not sure what triggers it, sometimes it comes from nowhere like a sudden bout of nausea that brings on a wave of tears - it really is like I'm vomiting only its tears.

 

I have also started visiting dating sites. I've reached out to a couple women but I can't bring myself to sustain a dialogue right now. And I don't find myself resenting women at all. That may just be because of the circumstances of my separation.

 

I am also very angry at my wife from time to time. But I also recognize that she was not happy and I'm trying to own my contribution to that. I know I couldn't make her happy but I could have been more tuned into her feelings and *maybe* that might have changed things. But that didn't happen and I move forward from here.

[hayewils]

I have also realized that i shouldve listened more, as you say, more atuned.

I did ask several times if she was ok, if there was anything she needed to talk about. Her response was alway, no, im fine.

So what do you do? I cant do anything with that.

I know i tried. I also know that we cant sit here and mope over what i couldve, shouldve done. Its to late for that now, its done, the choice has been made.

I have also started to consider to just go ahead and file to kill it. I think for those of us that have not started the divorce process, keeps us hanging out for hope.

Which really isnt benefiting ourselves in the healing process. It only serves as a chain, keeping us down. Killing it by filing would be closure for me.

[Yasuandio]

I have also realized that i shouldve listened more, as you say, more atuned.

I did ask several times if she was ok, if there was anything she needed to talk about. Her response was alway, no, im fine.

So what do you do? I cant do anything with that.

I know i tried. I also know that we cant sit here and mope over what i couldve, shouldve done. Its to late for that now, its done, the choice has been made.

I have also started to consider to just go ahead and file to kill it. I think for those of us that have not started the divorce process, keeps us hanging out for hope.

Which really isnt benefiting ourselves in the healing process. It only serves as a chain, keeping us down. Killing it by filing would be closure for me.

 

It is possible, confusion appears because there are two types of divorce that go on (according to Homer McDonald): The emotional Divorce and the Legal Divorce.

 

Once Divorce topic enters the relationship - people naturally become afraid of the Legal divorce - both people in the relationship, actually. That is why there is often a stand-off on who files first. The couple as individuals both sit on the fence. It is asmart thing to do to take responsibility to go ahead and file for the divorce rather than be in limbo. Then you know at least a direction to plan your life. To avoid the Legal Divorce will not solve the Emotional Divorce.

 

File, get the ball rolling. It takes a long time. You do not have to go through with it. And, in the end, if you do go through with it - after it is over, said and done, if you are meant to be together, no one can stop two people from being together again. Tara was just talking about this recently. Read some of the other treads going on right now.

 

I felt, personally, extreme relief once I filed. Being first to file is a position of control as well - psychologically. It is also a better legal strategy - as you are first to respond, and request documents. You are always first to present your side of case, as Petitioner. The other person, is "defendant." The term speaks for itself. Yas

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

I felt, personally, extreme relief once I filed. Being first to file is a position of control as well - psychologically. It is also a better legal strategy - as you are first to respond, and request documents. You are always first to present your side of case, as Petitioner. The other person, is "defendant." The term speaks for itself. Yas

 

This is why I'm prepared to file first - its something I have control over in this divorce. To imagine sitting around and waiting to get served just seems more tortuous than just "ripping off the band-aid."

[rolo99]

Also 3 mos in after being blindsided, but having the sense to file first. Mediation is Tuesday & depending on how that goes, it could be final July 1, or as late as Aug. 20. I haven't seen him in 6 weeks & all contact is through emails between our lawyers. It is "easier" if there is such a thing. He moved out 2 weeks after telling me he wants out. Denies there's someone else, but I don't want to know if there is.

 

I also made a profile on a dating site and almost met a guy for coffee today. Then an hour before I was go leave, I panicked and started crying. I had to text him my apologies & that I'm not as ready as I thought I was. I've since deactivated the profile.

[GuyInLimbo]

Hayewils, so happy to see you are slowly healing. I would forget about dating right now. You're not even remotely close to being ready for that, and it's also not fair to the women who are looking for someone. You need to continue healing yourself. As i suggested before, sign up for some cooking classes or pursuing some other interests on your own. If you happen to casually meet someone, that's cool. But keep anything casual right now. Just keep yourself busy. You'll get there, bro.

[hayewils]

Yes, definatly not dating, definatly not ready and dont care to.

I have a divorce support group im going to at one of the churches here tomorrow. Im looking forward to that.

[hayewils]

Im having a difficult morning today, want to get on here and vent..

I went to work yesterday and started thinking, that's what I do all the time, this crap consumes me at times.. anyway, I started thinking about a message my wife sent me in march after she left. looking back on it, the message mostly contained complaints about my kids.. I have boy/girl twins who are now 18 and a 16 year old son. the twins, my son is adhd, and my daughter is add. they were born 6 weeks early. They both are hard to handle at times, very testy, don't like being told what to do. This goes back a couple of years ago when they were 14, 15. that's when they start their rebelling stage, start wanting to become individuals. with that comes the arguments in disagreeing with choices they make and as parents we naturally want to make sure that our children make the right choices.. well, there were arguments and I would at times become angry with them cause they would tell me, im gonna do what I wanna do. You know how they become, they know all, parents are stupid.

Well, my stbx tried to control everything and them, which I feel she should have just let me deal with my kids. I feel she tried to hard to control everything and that she created the environment we are in today. Her message to me was that she worked her butt off and it was never enough for the kids, She said that they needed discipline and consistency. THEY ARE 18 AND DONT LIVE IN THE HOUSE ANYMORE! The 16 year old is more mature than the twins, hes a good young man. No trouble with him. He has a better head on his shoulders than me. I just realized that her complaints had nothing to do with she and I. It was all about my children.

She wanted my son to call before he came over, she wanted me to take his neighborhood gate sticker so he couldn't come in, she wanted me to change the garage door code so he couldn't come in.. My daughter told me that my stbx just started picking them out one by one. That my ex treated them different when I was out of town working. Yet, my ex's son could do nothing wrong. Mr perfect, but I would never treat him the way she treated my kids. Everybody is different in their own way, that's what make us indivduals.

I also realized that I was being drug down because I had zero emotional support from her. I tried and tried for her acceptance but it would never happen. She never told me she loved me, well, 3 times on her own the whole time we were together. She left this house and took nothing but her clothes and her sons bedroom stuff, that's it. Its very disturbing to me. I feel she got out and ran as fast as she could. I don't want to cause people to feel that way, but I didn't make her that way. She made herself that way. I know today she didn't love me, maybe some feelings at first but she was never, "in love" with me.

today, after being away from her for three months made me realize that all the trying for her love and acceptance did nothing but pull me down into depression. I can see now that I was depressed. Oh well, life goes on.

just continue on my road, right?

[Caldespair]

I'm 6 months Seperated after long marriage.

It has been tough but much better the earlier months.

My sbxw filed first, but has zero temporary court orders making me pay spousal or child support. My lawyer said hes not seen this "file for d w/o getting temp spousal" situation.

So i believe maybe she's not serious about divorce ? I still pine for her, but I know I must stop thinking we won't get d.

Divorce is not for the faint of heart.

[gators417]

I haven't even separated from my wife yet, and I can tell you that this sh** consumes every moment of my day. I have no ability to focus on work, my kids, sports, myself, eat, sleep or just about anything outside my wife and fixing our problems. I know this isn't healthy, but just the reality of where I am today. It doesn't help that my wife is sending me a bunch of mixed messages. One day she seems sure that she wants to separate, and then the next day she's not sure what she wants. I know this is normal, but it's also driving me insane.

 

I don't even want to think about what this will feel like once/if we separate. I've already started to search for support groups, meetups with folks with similar interests, and anything else I can do to keep my mind off of this whole thing.

 

We have our first counseling session tomorrow and I'm praying for a positive outcome. I have no idea what to expect because she hasn't given me anything to work with (she has no idea what she wants to do).

 

Good luck. I guess knowing you're not alone in the world can give you some level of comfort. I definitely know how you're feeling, and keep telling myself that time will ultimately heal my wounds. I guess the hard part is getting to that end goal.

[hayewils]

I just keep looking forward to tomorrow.

Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully it brings better things.

Tomorrow, is one step closer to being healed and a better person.

Tomorrow, is another step away from the pain of the loss.

I am at a better place today, feeling better. Thank you Doc.. But still lost and hurt. I think Ive lost like 20 pounds. A loss of a loved one does wonders for your weight but it sure is hell on your mind and soul.

[hayewils]

Wow!

Woke up this morning feeling just absolutly worthless.

Feel that im no good for anybody. Hate this rollercoaster.

Been going over the should haves and should not have done but i know it doesnt fix anything now. Feeling lost again, blaming myself. I know its not all my fault though. It takes two.

[WreckedDan]

The mornings after I feel the biggest boost always seem the hardest crash... I feel your pain man. Just try to remember the thoights that built you up before.

 

Dan