Don't know if I can trust him again?

[senoritabonita]

2 months ago I discovered my bf of 1.5 years met up with an ex lover behind my back. I discovered this because his skype opened and I read his messages with her (yes I know it's bad). I saw they met in late August. It was one of her last nights in the city. It was evident by the messages that she still had feeligns for him. I told him what I saw and he flipped out on me saying I was crazy for making it such a big deal. He lied to me about his whereabouts that night and he also did not tell this girl about me. So, throughout the year she'd write to him and he would not respond. She wrote to him again a few weeks ago and he told her listen, I met someone wonderful I'm sorry but I dont think we should speak again.

I still couldn't shake this because to me I feel like more happened. they were never friends. Also it was her last week in the city. I also have plans to move in with him and I want to be 100% SURE before I do something like that.

I asked him if I could see their fb messages to make me understand this relationship of theirs since he tells me always how complicated it was and that I don't understand what they had.

I asked, and he showed me them. Only to have deleted all of the messages sent sincce we'd been together.

So I just asked how I could possibly trust him after this. So, he took the liberty of messaging this girl (I did not want him to do this) and asking her to confirm if they had sex or not in August.

She wrote this: I am very happy you met someone but why do you want me to answer such a question. I still want you in my life, I want to know how you are, how your work is. How can you say we can never speak again? Who is this girl you met and where does she live, what does she do?

I really want to know why you are asking me this, but since I like you so much and care for you I will answer your ridiculous question.

In August we went for a walk by the canal, I remember the night very well. We could have made love but for many reasons we did not. We've tried to have something but because of distance it never quite worked. But why are you asking me this? Whatever it is, remember we are all entitlted to our own secrets and one must trust the other. I hope you are happy with your life."

 

I was completely mortified to listen to her awful response. I do not know where to go from here. How could he put me in such a situation where this random girl is judging me and my relationship?

He assures me that I have nothing to worry about and that he loves me and only me. He even deleted her from facebook to prove that he could care less for her.

But..a walk on the canal? DO I go walking with men along a canal? The entire thing is too much to swallow. Do you think I am making this more of an issue than it is? It's more the principle for me than anything else.

[TaraMaiden]

And her criticisms of you are frankly, despicable.

 

Who the hell does she think she is?

She's self-righteous and feels in a position to judge you for your feelings?

 

Oh man.

 

He is so not worth this.

let her have him.

With your blessing.

 

Kick him to the kerb, Senorita....

[senoritabonita]

thanks guys, I know you´re right. He´s really trying now though and when I tell him that I just can´t continue on, he goes through such an angry rage saying he´s trying so much and what I am doing now is worse than anything he has ever done. He then tells me how stupid and awful a person I am. I start to think maybe I really am crazy/awful? That´s why I am turning here. I just want some honesty in my relationship. I do not want to have all of this drama. For him to allow another woman to even be in our lives it makes me sick. He says I am making this all such a big deal. Do you think so?

[BeholdtheMan]

2 months ago I discovered my bf of 1.5 years met up with an ex lover behind my back. I discovered this because his skype opened and I read his messages with her (yes I know it's bad). I saw they met in late August. It was one of her last nights in the city. It was evident by the messages that she still had feeligns for him. I told him what I saw and he flipped out on me saying I was crazy for making it such a big deal. He lied to me about his whereabouts that night and he also did not tell this girl about me.

This alone is enough for me to walk. His dishonesty coupled with his complete lack of remorse would be dealbreakers.

 

He's angry at you for finding out the truth and confronting him about his deception...really?! Your boyfriend is a lying hypocrite. I can guarantee you that he'd be raging if the tables were turned.

 

I just want some honesty in my relationship.

You're entitled to honesty in a relationship. He's not entitled to pulling the wool over your eyes.

 

I do not want to have all of this drama. For him to allow another woman to even be in our lives it makes me sick. He says I am making this all such a big deal. Do you think so?

Have some self-esteem.

 

Don't let this guy convince you that you're an awful person. His dishonesty is despicable. There's nothing awful about your response.

 

Your boyfriend is dishonest and manipulative. He's toxic. Leave him quick.

Edited June 17, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[TaraMaiden]

thanks guys, I know you´re right. He´s really trying now though and when I tell him that I just can´t continue on, he goes through such an angry rage saying he´s trying so much and what I am doing now is worse than anything he has ever done. He then tells me how stupid and awful a person I am. I start to think maybe I really am crazy/awful? That´s why I am turning here. I just want some honesty in my relationship. I do not want to have all of this drama. For him to allow another woman to even be in our lives it makes me sick. He says I am making this all such a big deal. Do you think so?

 

THis is the classic "I am totally guilty but I'm going to load this all back on your shoulders and make you think all this is your fault."

 

Please, you're an intelligent woman.

Don't fall for this crap.

 

 

You're NOT crazy, and you're NOT awful.

Absolutely Not.

 

Tell him it's over, and not to contact you ever again, then IMMEDIATELY block him and ignore all attempts to speak with you, in whichever way he approaches.

 

Honey, it may hurt but trust us - it will all seriously be for your own good. And you will feel relieved to be rid of a lying cheater who deflects and projects his stupidity onto you.

 

No dice.

 

Walk.