It took a lot to get over him and now...

[Citrus Lime]

Hi, I'm new here, and somewhat disoriented at the moment... Please bear with me...

 

I had casual sex with this guy Joe (not his real name) about five years ago... It was a sweet fling, and we talked a lot, and I admit that I fell for him like a school girl. This was not supposed to happen, and I didn't even revealed my feelings back in the time.

 

The reason was that he had to move to another city in a few months, and the idea was just to have a good time and end it in good terms. This did happen, with the unintended consequence of me developing deep feelings for him. I don't know how it happened, and to date I question the reason why I fell in love with him in the first place, but that was the result.

 

There were periods of silence in between, but we kept communicating. I know, not good for me, but even though I couldn't help myself, I tried to be civil about the whole thing. Fate had it that I moved to the same city a couple of years after, and we sort of had another round of meetings, which were strictly sexual and casual.

 

He then broke it off saying that he had met someone, and I accepted the situation. I did what I had to and stopped communicating with him. I defriended him in social media to help me deal with my feelings of being rejected, and it worked for the most part. In all honesty, I feel I still love him, but I don't feel I can have him. I am simply not in a space where I can have a meaningful relationship... I have lost 4 close relatives in the space of the last 5 years, and my daughter developed a condition for which she's being treated, but that requires my full attention.

 

Now, he's contacting me again through social media, and I feel conflicted. He's always been kind to me, even if it's been in a detached way. I don't think there has been one single day in all these years in which I haven't thought of him. I feel so stupid because I feel he couldn't care less about me or how I feel, and I'm at a loss of words as to what to say to him.

 

I've already reply to a couple of messages he's sent... Nothing over the top, just saying hi and hoping things have been going well, but I got another message yesterday, and I'm now overwhelmed.

 

Could someone help me sort this out please? I'm unable to see things clearly.

[kamani]

May be he wants casual sex again.

 

If you feel more and feel that he is not ready for that, stop communication with him and go NC.

 

Your daughter needs your care. Find someone emotionally available for you.

[TaraMaiden]

Your mistake was to have responded.

Unless he's single, and willing to turn this into an exclusive relationship, drop off his radar, block, delete and ignore.

 

You really don't need this right now.

Naturally, he may have absolutely no idea of what has transpired in your life.

So tell him, briefly where you are right now - 4 losses in nearly as many years, and a daughter who needs attention.

If he aims to be involved and committed, that would be welcome, and you might cautiously consider that. But if he's touching base to merely test the 'sexual fling' waters, your head is not in the right place, now, and that's not up for consideration.

 

Be kind to yourself, and put yourself first.

[Citrus Lime]

Thank you for the replies... I really need to put my feet on the ground with this.

 

In all fairness, the guy never did anything wrong to me... When he told me he had met someone, he did it exactly to let me know he was not available, and I did exactly what I had to do, and didn't try to contact him at all. More likely than not, he's probably single right now... Obviously, I cannot be completely sure unless he tells me, but that would be some weird message: "Hey, I'm single, do you want to have sex again?"

 

Also, he's got absolutely no idea of what I've been going through, and to be honest, I wouldn't mind having a "distraction" from my situation even if it's fleeting, but not with this guy unless, as Tara mentioned, he's willing to get involved, and only marginally so I can keep my head focused on what matters.

 

I realize it is hard to initiate a conversation after 2 or 3 years have passed. I don't know what he wants or if he wants anything. I can't deal with ambiguity and he knows that... I don't want to tell him about my situation. I've been dealing with my problems, and most of the issues have been resolved adequately. I still need a little more healing though. My daughter is okay even though she needs attention.

 

We're both very civil, and I know he won't try to manipulate me, but I'm still cautious about replying to his messages. I'm not sure if replying in a neutral and polite way would lead to a conversation that we should probably have, but I want to stay away from heartache.

 

Any ideas would be appreciated...

[d0620]

Citrus,

I feel like I am listening to myself by reading your response. You really do need to put your feet on the ground "Literally" unless you want to create a heavier burden on yourself then what you already have.

 

Sometimes when we are going through stressful times, we look for activities or people to help mask some of the pain but in reality they are really numbing the pain and ultimately at the end when they do cause even more pain.

 

He has no idea of what you are going through and oh, he doesn't care because he only cares about himself.

 

The best way to predict the future is to remember and feel your past. We have to view these people for who they really are and love ourselves enough not to confuse sex for love. Your statement: It took a lot to get over him. Now you want to undo all that progress and go back and start all over again?

 

I am in no way in a position to give advice but I can tell you I can't wait to be in your position with all this stuff behind me and focusing on what's really important in life no matter how difficult it may be.

[Citrus Lime]

Citrus,

He has no idea of what you are going through and oh, he doesn't care because he only cares about himself.

 

The best way to predict the future is to remember and feel your past.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

Actually, I think things are not as bad as I first thought. I exchanged a couple of messages with him, just checking how things are going and nothing more. I think it's better to leave things at that.

 

I understand what you're saying d0620, but he really is a nice fellow. I honestly wish him the best, but I have been going through hell these past few years and I am emotionally exhausted. I cannot entertain anyone, not even him... I would probably need to feel that someone cares a lot about me to get me going somewhere.

 

Maybe it was the initial message that sent me into a frenzy, but I'm okay now. I won't initiate anything with him and more likely he won't push it, so this won't go any further.