Is it possible to restore chemistry after a year of conflict?

[Sunbathe]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2.5 years. The first year was absolutely amazing. We had so much chemistry together, and the honeymoon period lasted for an entire year. This came to an abrupt end when I went away to college. During this time apart, from the lack of seeing each other, I grew needy/clingy and basically crazy. I pushed him away from his friends, made him miss out a lot during his senior year, and generally made him very unhappy. We argued a lot during this time period. When I returned back home for the summer, he almost broke up with me, but decided to stay and trusted that I would change for the better. I held true to my word, and have come such a long way since then with giving him the independence that he desires, as well as trying to be more independent myself.

 

However, after he decided to stay in the relationship last summer, he began having problems of his own. He began to think and over analyze everything, especially about our relationship, about my mood/feelings, about my reactions. This caused him to talk in circles and excessively about our relationship. He would literally continuous list off things that he wanted in a relationship, as if he were reading a to-do list. He was extremely paranoid about my reactions to his actions. For example, if he kissed me on the cheek and I didn't smile, he would assume something is wrong, and would not let it go even if I said nothing was wrong. If I "fake laughed" (which was really just a chuckle) at one of his jokes, he would make it a point to tell me to stop faking things. Every single time. Those are just a few examples. He has struggled with this over-thinking/over-talking for an entire year now, and of course it has pushed me away to some degree. He had made me very insecure about how I respond to him, and essentially made it so that I was unable to just relax and enjoy his company/life.

 

Although he does not have complete control over this obsessive compulsive thinking/talking/listing, it has gotten miles better. He has treated me a lot better, been more relaxed, and continues to work on suppressing his circular thoughts. However, the damage had already been done after a year, and I have been generally unhappy. We have argued A LOT over this past year. I have so many subconscious habits due to his behavior, and it is somewhat of a struggle for me to get past this insecurity and completely feel comfortable with him again. I now over-think too. I know that I can in time feel at ease though, and it is a work in progress. I am trying to rediscover who I am and what comes naturally to me, without all of the forceful thinking in place.

 

He again almost broke up with me back in May. I did not want to break up at all. After he witnessed me crying to my mom on the phone, talking about how things would change if we broke up, I think he realized the reality of what it would be like not together. He had a change of heart, saying he made his final decision and that he chooses to be with me and work to getting back to normal. Since we are unavoidably moving in together in September for a year, we have talked about how he have a year to fix things. He has said that he loves me, and after 2.5 years together it would only be right if we take this next year to see if things can get better and feelings can be restored. And if at the end of next year, we mutually decide that we are not as happy as we should be, then we can split amicably. But only after we have given it our all.

 

Since then, we have continued to argue on and off, and he has grown somewhat distant and less affectionate. He has been short and not very flirty over texting too. The arguments have come mostly from me over stupid little things, and I have since put my foot down and stopped. Just yesterday we talked about the lack of chemistry and affection. He talked of how if it is meant to be, it will come back naturally.

 

I have somewhat of a different opinion, in that if you want to restore chemistry you have to work at it. To restore loving feelings you have to make it a point to kiss more, to have sex again, to flirt and connect even if it feels a little unnatural at first. After our talk, he agreed and said that he would make it a point to be more affectionate. We spent the day together, stealing kisses often, and he remarked that "he likes my idea on how to get chemistry back". The general consensus on how to get back to normal is to relax, not think at all, and be intimate/affectionate again.

 

I guess what my question is, is do you believe that chemistry can be restored in my situation? Nothing extremely detrimental has happened. We didn't cheat on each other or anything like that. We simply got caught up in the power struggle for too long. We both completely realize that our feelings of disconnect are stupid because underneath it all, we are perfect for each other in every way. And we are both actively deciding to end the struggle once and for all. My boyfriend has mentioned that he is not holding anything from the past against me, that he has moved past it all and he simply wants me to be happy and he wants to be happy himself. I feel the same way.

 

So, without the conflict and with introducing more positive affectionate memories, will the chemistry return? And what other actions can I take to restore loving feelings?