findinmyway Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 This is a very confusing situation, I'll try to be brief I divorced three years ago. Was having problems for many years, but I ultimately left because I fell in love with someone else, we'll call him Jim. Jim and I tried to make a RS work, but it was very strained, for obvious reasons. My exH made things more than extremely difficult, he resented Jim deeply. And, I was overwhelmed with extreme guilt. I went back and forth between Jim and exH many many times. Not to discredit the obvious immorality of the affair I had, but there were many contributing factors. I handled ending my marriage wrong by not leaving before I committed adultry, but my marriage was over far before I met Jim. Regardless, I treated Jim and my exH terribly by wavering back and forth so much. Jim also wavered some, as he was recently divorced. He kept his exW close by when in the chance I would run back to my ex. So, there is a history of RS mistreatment between Jim and I. I feel like I can validly explain these things as I went back and forth out of guilt and wanting to do the best for my kids. (I know now that wasn't best, but couldn't see at time). The one thing I did that I'm not sure Jim and I could ever overcome is.....I slept with one of his good friends. He and I were separated at the time. However, we had been talking. He also slept with someone else during that time, but not anyone I knew. Jim and I haven't seen each other since January. However, we have talked recently and I know he still loves me and there's a chance we could be together again. I also know that I still love him like always, and even after everything we've been through, I could never feel like this for anyone else. I try not to live in fantasy land, but I feel like our love is strong enough to conquer what we've been through. And, the only reason things didn't work was because of our circumstances. Under good cirumstances (ie. without all of the pressures of other people being involved and starting with a clean slate), do you think there is any way a RS like this could make a second chance work? PLEASE tell me what you think. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 Yes, there is a chance. If you two can come together without the complications of your "fallback" partners, I estimate you have a 23.7% chance of a lasting, happy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author findinmyway Posted October 12, 2004 Author Share Posted October 12, 2004 23.7%. Hmm. Link to post Share on other sites
new2dating Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 I am going to intuit that deep down you know things will not work out. With so much hurt and resentment, it is hard to let things like that go in the long term. Things may be great short term, but in the long haul, these difficulties become almost insurmountable. However, that beng said (and being a believer in romantic mataphysics) - if he is truly your twin flame then it might work. These relationships are often frought with difficulty and pain, but if you both believe strongly enough in the relationship, then there is hope. However, I would give this a 3% chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author findinmyway Posted October 12, 2004 Author Share Posted October 12, 2004 I believe strongly enough, or I woudln't even be contemplating. Thanks for your thoughts. I liked 23.7% better though Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 we have talked recently and I know he still loves me and there's a chance we could be together again Yippeeeeee!!!! I think your assessment on another thread was most likely to be sound. There were a lot of external factors, outside of your core relationship. You were very unhappy and confused. With these issues resolved, the relationship stands a much better chance. Having said that, you felt that there was a danger that the second time around may repeat the mistakes of the past and never quite hit the same highs. There is a possibility that the relationship may work, but there are also risks. I see you like the idea of guestimating your chances of success. Here are some things to think about that may help: Do you know if he has made similar progress? The external factors will have had an impact on the way you behaved with each other, on your ability to find ways of working together to resolve issues. This was part of the fabric of your relationship and it will be hard to change. People manage it all the time, if there is sufficient commitment and personal capacity for change. You have developed a lot of insight into your own behaviour and it's effects. Is he capable of such insight or is he more likely to stick with learned patterns of behaviour? You deserve happiness. You've tried your best to find it within your marriage, you couldn't. I don't know if you will be able to find it with Jim. You deserve a second chance, if you decide that's what's right for you. If I loved Jim, I'd need to be fairly sure it couldn't work in order to let it go and move on. I wouldn't want to live with the "if onlys". I'd be unlikely to fall in love again until I'd got Jim out of my head and my heart. I know that if things didn't work out with Jim, I could eventually get over it. Those would be my choices, yours may be different and they would be right for you. Could you get over it if it didn't work out with Jim? Could you put the relationship behind you now, if you decided that was for the best? Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 I think fi you two both want to reconcile you can but realie it will take more effort than you have given thus far. Also some advice...if you get back with this Jim guy try not to go and sleep with someone else. No offense but seems like you have a problem controlling your impulses. Seeing as he sorta did the same thing as you I think both of you may need to sit down and talk about stuff and how you wont be sleeping with other people or going back and forth with your exes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author findinmyway Posted October 12, 2004 Author Share Posted October 12, 2004 Meanon--I was hoping you would stumble across this thread. You know my story better than anyone!! And, you've always been honest with me. I didn't always like what you had to say, but I've always respected it Do you know if he has made similar progress? The external factors will have had an impact on the way you behaved with each other, on your ability to find ways of working together to resolve issues. This was part of the fabric of your relationship and it will be hard to change. People manage it all the time, if there is sufficient commitment and personal capacity for change. You have developed a lot of insight into your own behaviour and it's effects. Is he capable of such insight or is he more likely to stick with learned patterns of behaviour? Yet another insight I haven't given thought to....you're good at that. I have been so focused on the possibility of seeing him again, I haven't even considered this. Although, I don't think he needed to make progress like I did. He has always been firm in how he felt about me and what he was willing to do to be with me. I think he has made progress as far as I am concerned....dealing with the hurt and pain I caused during my state of confusion. I think the time apart has done us both some good, to get a different perspective on things. I can't answer how he feels in regard to being willing to let go of the past. I do know that we both still love each other, very much. If I loved Jim, I'd need to be fairly sure it couldn't work in order to let it go and move on. I wouldn't want to live with the "if onlys". I'd be unlikely to fall in love again until I'd got Jim out of my head and my heart. I know that if things didn't work out with Jim, I could eventually get over it. I think this is what I need to do. As you know, I have come very far in my own self growth. I do not want to leave any rock left unturned. I think not having any "if onlys" esp with Jim, is important to whether or not I can completely move forward. Could you put the relationship behind you now, if you decided that was for the best? I suppose if things didn't work, I wouldn't have a choice. But, I don't know how I can move on without at least trying. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 Thanks, findinmyway You've thought about the risks, you're prepared to take them. For you, the prize is worth it. That's all that really matters. There's only one thing that bothers me. It's your choice of the word "deserve" in the thread title. I may be reading too much into it, but asking whether you deserve a second chance is quite different from asking what the chances of success are. I mention this because I know that leaving a life long relationship of the type you had with your ex can be devastating to your self esteem. It's not uncommon to begin to question whether you do indeed deserve happiness. If this still troubles you, please do allow yourself some recovery time before you go for your second chance. Whatever happens, it will be time well spent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author findinmyway Posted October 12, 2004 Author Share Posted October 12, 2004 There's only one thing that bothers me. It's your choice of the word "deserve" in the thread title. I may be reading too much into it, but asking whether you deserve a second chance is quite different from asking what the chances of success are. There's that insight again. You're prob right. I still have a tendency to dwell on the deserving thing from time to time. I'll consider the taking a little time thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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