Update... sigh...

[Nattie]

Well, I am in the same boat I was in when I first posted here... MW seeing a MM. I wasn't proud of it then, and I'm not now. I've been dealing with this all on my own, and last week I had the queen mother of all speeches prepared. I was going to tell him that although this is fun, it's not going anywhere, NO good will come of this whatsoever. The longer it goes on, the more damage done. I have zero intention of leaving my husband, and I don't want him leaving his wife. Long story short, he contacts me, my speech goes right out the window, and somehow the conversation turned into him telling me that he's developing feelings. I don't know what to think. I know that this should end, right now before it gets REALLY complicated, but I can't do it. I just can't. I know what I'm risking, I think about it all the time. Sooner or later it will completely consume me and something will have to give. I know he isn't worth it. Neither one of us make any false promises or plan for a future together, it was always for fun. He didn't strike me as the type to form an emotional attachment, girls are always chasing HIM, but I was the one he really had to work for... he's got about a year invested in me and I still won't text or call him first. I just don't know... obviously I have feelings too, or I'd be able to dump him. This was just a little venting session I guess, it's a very lonely road

[AussieLady]

I have zero intention of leaving my husband, and I don't want him leaving his wife. Long story short, he contacts me, my speech goes right out the window, and somehow the conversation turned into him telling me that he's developing feelings. I don't know what to think. I know that this should end, right now before it gets REALLY complicated, but I can't do it. I just can't. I know what I'm risking, I think about it all the time. Sooner or later it will completely consume me and something will have to give. I know he isn't worth it.

 

All your answers are in your post. You know what you need to do. You have started to see it, but then his contact has sent you falling backwards.

 

Don't allow him to contact you again. You need to put no contact in place now!

Something will have to give otherwise and it won't be him, it will be you and your marriage. I understand you feel like you need to explain to him - but you don't owe him anything.

 

It is crazy how we allow them to take control over us. I am still taking it day by day. This will sound silly, but every time I think about him, the times we had and wanting to recontact him, I look at a picture of my husband and kids and remember the memories and hope we have together as a family.

 

Stay strong.

[Praying4Peace]

Listen, at least you aren't confused about what you want. You don't want to be with him. I was a MW with a MM and we both wanted to leave but you know how it is. Even if we went back and forth on it, it was on the table.

 

Just think about losing your H or having to R with him for 2-5 years if there is a Dday! Which there will be at some point.l They have intuition, they can tell.

 

The only thing I disagree with is your insistence that he doesn't leave his marriage. Why do you care? He obviously seems to have women chasing him all the time, maybe its better for his W since he seems to have more trouble than you staying away.

 

Is there anyway you can block his phone number? That way he can't call and you can't call. It might help.

 

I know its very hard.

[Nattie]

Maybe I didn't word it correctly... I could care less if he stays married or not, I just don't want him to leave for ME, or think we're going to be together in the end. If he has someone else chasing and she's worth leaving for, that's his business, but I highly doubt that's the case. He and his W are both in the marriage for convenience. Neither one are invested, and it would probably be much better for her if he were to leave, but I wouldn't ask that he leave her for me, and I would never expect him to ask the same of me. I started telling him that we were in a good place to end things. We wanted each other, we gave into temptation and got it out of our systems (or so I thought..) Why stay together? We're not working toward an ultimate goal of being together, so why keep this up? I have no idea... maybe there are more feelings than I realize. I could block his number, I did it before, we made it a week NC. There is a part of me that wants this all in the past, and there is a part of me that wants him, and we all know which part is currently winning. Aussielady I hope I am in your shoes someday, moving on quietly while still with my husband and family. I am sucked in right now, and I know it will only get worse. I always fantasize in my head sitting him down and breaking it off, it's like he flips a switch everytime he calls or texts. I guess I'm just plain weak.

[AussieLady]

Aussielady I hope I am in your shoes someday, moving on quietly while still with my husband and family. I am sucked in right now, and I know it will only get worse. I always fantasize in my head sitting him down and breaking it off, it's like he flips a switch everytime he calls or texts. I guess I'm just plain weak.

 

You are strong enough to realise it is wrong, you are being sucked in and that it will only get worse. You have been weak, there is no sugar coating it, I have been there with you and still feel weak.

 

I wish I was moving on quietly....I still fantasise about OM and jump when I get a message on my phone - so he still flips a switch on me too. I have started counselling to deal with and understand why I needed OM in my life and my husband and I are starting marriage counselling.

 

Maybe when you fantasise about sitting down with him and breaking it off, try fantasising about your husband breaking it off with you. Reality needs to win over fantasy.

[macy]

I have zero intention of leaving my husband, and I don't want him leaving his wife.

* Well you may not have a choice in the matter once this comes out. And it will.

 

Long story short, he contacts me, my speech goes right out the window, and somehow the conversation turned into him telling me that he's developing feelings. I don't know what to think. I know that this should end, right now before it gets REALLY complicated, but I can't do it. I just can't. I know what I'm risking, I think about it all the time.

 

* I really don't think people who have affairs really FULLY understand what they are risking until the writings on the wall and they have to face their spouse and accept the consequences.

I say stop right now and go tell your husband everything tonight. Can you imagine?

[Artie Lang]

so the affair is ongoing? not surprised.

 

until you come clean and realize what you are destroying(your marriage & family), you won't be able to extricate yourself from this toxic relationship.

[Nattie]

It has absolutely nothing to do with being flattered. It's honesty. We are fully aware that we are each other's "piece on the side", no denying that. But, I think a lot of people in A's either are, or feel they're in love, and have hopes & dreams of being with that person in the end. They talk about leaving their spouse (and I believe many fully intend to, but most can't handle the actual task of doing so) but we've never been like that. I actually like the fact that he's married, so I don't have to worry about this sort of thing. I can't seem to break it off with him at the moment, but I think I could walk away if he came out and asked me to leave my husband. That's a line I just don't want to cross.

[Owl]

I can't seem to break it off with him at the moment, but I think I could walk away if he came out and asked me to leave my husband. That's a line I just don't want to cross.

 

So you're willing to be someone's "on the side", and keep them as your "own the side". You're willing to lie and decieve your husband about what's going on.

 

But you're not willing to leave your husband.

 

You're willing to keep him in the dark about what's going on, and continue to participate in the ONGOING cheating and deception that you're hiding from him...but you're not willing to leave him?

 

That's your "line you won't cross"?

 

Have you considered how this would look to your H if he read your posts, and/or my summary of them?

[Nattie]

So you're willing to be someone's "on the side", and keep them as your "own the side". You're willing to lie and decieve your husband about what's going on.

 

But you're not willing to leave your husband.

 

You're willing to keep him in the dark about what's going on, and continue to participate in the ONGOING cheating and deception that you're hiding from him...but you're not willing to leave him?

 

That's your "line you won't cross"?

 

Have you considered how this would look to your H if he read your posts, and/or my summary of them?

 

Everything you said is correct. I never said what I'm doing is right, I'm just being honest.

 

It's just a lot harder than I thought it would be to stop. I'm getting there... if I get caught in the meantime, then it's my fault and I deserve the consequences.

[Spark1111]

Everything you said is correct. I never said what I'm doing is right, I'm just being honest.

 

It's just a lot harder than I thought it would be to stop. I'm getting there... if I get caught in the meantime, then it's my fault and I deserve the consequences.

 

But does your husband, your children, his wife, their children deserve the consequences of YOUR ACTIONS too?

 

Do you TRULY understand the lifelong pain, devastation and repercussions from having this hobby with your MAP?

 

Do you realize what that will forever do to those you claim to love? That HE claims to love?

 

FOW what? sex on the side?

 

that's some legacy......

[Nattie]

But does your husband, your children, his wife, their children deserve the consequences of YOUR ACTIONS too?

 

Do you TRULY understand the lifelong pain, devastation and repercussions from having this hobby with your MAP?

 

Do you realize what that will forever do to those you claim to love? That HE claims to love?

 

FOW what? sex on the side?

 

that's some legacy......

 

Everyone in my situation knows the consequences, we all know what would happen should our H/W's find out. If it's not enough to stop someone from starting it in the first place, it's not going to make them end it, unless they reach a breaking point or are consumed by guilt. We're human. I know it's wrong, so does he, but we're not the only two heartless monsters in the world. I know of multiple people involved in A's at my workplace, and that's just one small little company. Some don't think people know, some don't even try to hide it, my point is it happens, a lot more than people think. Not saying because it's relatively common that it's ok, I know it isn't...

[Owl]

Everyone in my situation knows the consequences, we all know what would happen should our H/W's find out. If it's not enough to stop someone from starting it in the first place, it's not going to make them end it, unless they reach a breaking point or are consumed by guilt. We're human. I know it's wrong, so does he, but we're not the only two heartless monsters in the world. I know of multiple people involved in A's at my workplace, and that's just one small little company. Some don't think people know, some don't even try to hide it, my point is it happens, a lot more than people think. Not saying because it's relatively common that it's ok, I know it isn't...

 

Just to use your own metaphor...

 

I'd agree that there are all kinds of monsters out there in the world.

 

But those are all out of your control.

 

You have the power to make the world a bit better by redeeming the ONE of those monsters that's within your control.

 

The "but everyone else is doing it" defense began failing for most of us around 3rd grade.

 

And I'll say no more on the subject...I think you're aware of your options...but sometimes it's good to be reminded that it IS your choice, and not something outside of your scope of control...or area of responsibility.

[Spark1111]

Everyone in my situation knows the consequences, we all know what would happen should our H/W's find out. If it's not enough to stop someone from starting it in the first place, it's not going to make them end it, unless they reach a breaking point or are consumed by guilt. We're human. I know it's wrong, so does he, but we're not the only two heartless monsters in the world. I know of multiple people involved in A's at my workplace, and that's just one small little company. Some don't think people know, some don't even try to hide it, my point is it happens, a lot more than people think. Not saying because it's relatively common that it's ok, I know it isn't...

 

Ok, try telling your spouse, your kids, his spouse and his kids what you just said here......

 

see if it makes one bit of difference to them, the people who actually love you.

 

I'm sure the fact that everyone else is doing it will immediately make them dry their eyes and not file for divorce, or expose the two of you to friends and families, or go to sleep sobbing in their beds at night, or needing therapy.

 

Tell them: We are not monsters and everyone else is doing it too.

 

See what they say, the people who love you.

[Nattie]

Ok, try telling your spouse, your kids, his spouse and his kids what you just said here......

 

see if it makes one bit of difference to them, the people who actually love you.

 

I'm sure the fact that everyone else is doing it will immediately make them dry their eyes and not file for divorce, or expose the two of you to friends and families, or go to sleep sobbing in their beds at night, or needing therapy.

 

Tell them: We are not monsters and everyone else is doing it too.

 

See what they say, the people who love you.

 

It wouldn't make a bit of difference, I know that. All I'm saying is that sometimes that isn't enough to make a person stop. I wish I didn't feel the intense attraction, I wish I could go back and prevent it from ever going too far, but I can't, and now I'm struggling to get out. You find yourself in a constant battle in your own head over what is right, and what you currently want, and yes I know that is 100% selfish, I am well aware.

[Owl]

It wouldn't make a bit of difference, I know that. All I'm saying is that sometimes that isn't enough to make a person stop. I wish I didn't feel the intense attraction, I wish I could go back and prevent it from ever going too far, but I can't, and now I'm struggling to get out. You find yourself in a constant battle in your own head over what is right, and what you currently want, and yes I know that is 100% selfish, I am well aware.

 

Are you, really?

 

Do you REALLY want to end it? Do you REALLY want to end the situation and put your husband and family first again?

 

Or are you simply saying that to appease your own conscience and let yourself continue on with what you're doing.

 

I'm not asking this question as a dig. I'm asking it point blank because if you REALLY want to change the situation...we can give you the advice and the "boot in the butt" to make that happen. But if you're just paying lip service to that idea and have no intention to change, there's nothing we can do to help...other than either goad you to change, or wait until you hit rock bottom.

[Nattie]

Are you, really?

 

Do you REALLY want to end it? Do you REALLY want to end the situation and put your husband and family first again?

 

Or are you simply saying that to appease your own conscience and let yourself continue on with what you're doing.

 

I'm not asking this question as a dig. I'm asking it point blank because if you REALLY want to change the situation...we can give you the advice and the "boot in the butt" to make that happen. But if you're just paying lip service to that idea and have no intention to change, there's nothing we can do to help...other than either goad you to change, or wait until you hit rock bottom.

 

I can't answer this honestly one way or another. I have days (multiple consecutive days sometimes) where I get so angry at MM that I don't want to talk to him, see him, or continue any type of relationship. I feel that it's done, in my head, and I'm happy with the decision. Problem is that anger always fades. The reason I get angry is because he pushed this so hard... we were fine being friends, and I never would have made a move on him. I'm not sure if you've read my previous posts, but he got my number from files at work without my knowledge... slowly started texting, then flirting. He literally broke me down slowly over a few months, and I did brush it off for quite a while. Don't get me wrong, I take FULL responsibility for my part in this. I could have easily shut it down before anything happened, but in my head I never thought it would turn physical. Not until ONE day we were alone in a room together for ten minutes at most. The second he kissed me it was a rush, a high like no other and I wanted to feel it again and again. I didn't jump into bed with him easily after that either. I refused. I figured he was just out for sex and would move on if I didn't provide it. Wrong. He waited six months. I feel like this A just started, but really it's been an entire year since he started pursuing me. I really do have times where I would give anything to change the situation, and times where I feel like I would do anything to see him. I actually wish he would dump ME. I would hurt for a while, but my pride would keep me from reaching out to him to try and rekindle the flame.

Edited June 18, 2013 by Nattie

[Journee]

Everyone in my situation knows the consequences, we all know what would happen should our H/W's find out. If it's not enough to stop someone from starting it in the first place, it's not going to make them end it, unless they reach a breaking point or are consumed by guilt. We're human. I know it's wrong, so does he, but we're not the only two heartless monsters in the world. I know of multiple people involved in A's at my workplace, and that's just one small little company. Some don't think people know, some don't even try to hide it, my point is it happens, a lot more than people think. Not saying because it's relatively common that it's ok, I know it isn't...

 

 

Then why say it at all?

 

 

Pointing out that people lie and deceive isn't really news worthy.

 

Even if you two were the only people in the whole of the world engaging in an affair it doesn't change the potential disaster. I really just hate to see or hear the DDay posts that have been coming pretty regularly lately. It's almost like you can feel it coming from certain posters. I hope you can get things worked out.

 

You are right, that this is a tough spot to be in. I can only imagine.

 

Good luck to you.

[Spark1111]

Mattie, you make yourself sound like a Prisoner of War fercryingoutloud....he wore you down...he texted, he flirted, he made you feel special and sexy....you had a wonderful friendship, but you thought HE would move on and didn't...never thought it wouldn't become sexual...

 

After all that BUILD UP and sexual tension building that YOU ALLOWED, you are shocked by it?

 

You r kidding, right????

 

You fueled the tension, the attraction, the build up ALSO for over a YEAR. He didn't wait for you...You both engaged in mutual maturbatory build-up.

 

of course that kiss was going to knock your socks off, c'mon!

 

You too took a thousand steps to fuel the attraction.

 

You sound as if you had no choice, couldn't say no, yet NEVER said no. You ALLOWED the tensions to build, the hormones to rage and now speak as if you had no choice, no reason to exercise your power to say no; you were swept away in it all and HE had all the power ( because you handed it to him on a silver platter) to play you, wait for you, seduce you.

 

I have READ THIS scenario one thousand times here.

 

it's NOT HARD. You just want us all to agree that you had no choice, no free will, and have been swept away into the swamp of romantic romp.

 

Unless you realize the part you have played in getting into this mess, anything I, or anybody else has to advise, will be dismissed because NOW...sigh....it is just TOO HARD to extricate yourself from this mess only HE caused.

 

I call BULL on this stance.

[Nattie]

Mattie, you make yourself sound like a Prisoner of War fercryingoutloud....he wore you down...he texted, he flirted, he made you feel special and sexy....you had a wonderful friendship, but you thought HE would move on and didn't...never thought it wouldn't become sexual...

 

After all that BUILD UP and sexual tension building that YOU ALLOWED, you are shocked by it?

 

You r kidding, right????

 

You fueled the tension, the attraction, the build up ALSO for over a YEAR. He didn't wait for you...You both engaged in mutual maturbatory build-up.

 

of course that kiss was going to knock your socks off, c'mon!

 

You too took a thousand steps to fuel the attraction.

 

You sound as if you had no choice, couldn't say no, yet NEVER said no. You ALLOWED the tensions to build, the hormones to rage and now speak as if you had no choice, no reason to exercise your power to say no; you were swept away in it all and HE had all the power ( because you handed it to him on a silver platter) to play you, wait for you, seduce you.

 

I have READ THIS scenario one thousand times here.

 

it's NOT HARD. You just want us all to agree that you had no choice, no free will, and have been swept away into the swamp of romantic romp.

 

Unless you realize the part you have played in getting into this mess, anything I, or anybody else has to advise, will be dismissed because NOW...sigh....it is just TOO HARD to extricate yourself from this mess only HE caused.

 

I call BULL on this stance.

You must have missed the part where I specifically said that I take full responsibility for my part in this A. I'm not trying to convince anyone that I'm a victim, but I have never been so heavily pursued in my life. The buildup was what I thought was innocent flirting. I do admit to being a flirt, but in my experience more often than not, it IS harmless, and people don't expect it to lead to anything. He was willing to see how far he could push, that was a first for me. Anyway.... I don't have to defend myself here. I'm trying to figure out why I'm really doing this, and gain the courage to try and fix this mess by talking with others in the same situation who can relate to what I'm dealing with.

[Pierre]

I'm trying to figure out why I'm really doing this, and gain the courage to try and fix this mess by talking with others in the same situation who can relate to what I'm dealing with.

 

The chase validates you.

 

Flirting validates you.

 

Getting attention validates you.

 

Being told you are amazing in bed validates you. So you try even harder.

 

A calm relaxed lovin relationship with your H is not enough validation. You need major drama and attention to get validation.

 

It is not rocket science.

[Lillyfree]

You must have missed the part where I specifically said that I take full responsibility for my part in this A. I'm not trying to convince anyone that I'm a victim, but I have never been so heavily pursued in my life. The buildup was what I thought was innocent flirting. I do admit to being a flirt, but in my experience more often than not, it IS harmless, and people don't expect it to lead to anything. He was willing to see how far he could push, that was a first for me. Anyway.... I don't have to defend myself here. I'm trying to figure out why I'm really doing this, and gain the courage to try and fix this mess by talking with others in the same situation who can relate to what I'm dealing with.

 

i don't believe that you are playing the victim. the way you write about how you got into, and stayed in the affair is very passive. are you saying you are so weak-willed that someone only has to be willing to push that little bit harder and you fall in love with him?

 

btw, which one was it - innocent flirting or relentless pursuit?

 

before you get defensive, i was a MOW. and i can tell you: i've contacted him first twice, for the whole time we've been in touch. everything else was him 'pursuing me'. but i've allowed it. he didn't just 'happen' to me, i was an active participant - because i replied. because even when i knew boundaries were crossed i said nothing and kept going. when he suggested that we meet i said yes. so there were all these doors along the way i could have closed, or even just not walked through... but i kept going.

 

so my advice is: firstly you need to realise that you are not a passive bystander in your own life. things aren't happening TO you while you sit there with your hands behind your back. even now - you 'don't know how to, what to, when...'

it's simple. realise what it is that you actually want. if it's to end the A - at least that's easy. 5 minute conversation, an email - and it's done. i don't see the reason for all the hand wringing.

[findingnemo]

Nattie, you say you are responsible and you blame yourself for being in an A. You know how it will affect your family. You want to understand why this is happening.

 

My suggestion is that you develop some self-control and end the A. Decide that your feelings of lust or whatever are wrong and put a stop to it. There will be plenty of time later to analyze why and how you ended up being in this position. Just make a decision and proceed from there.

 

Right now, you know what you want but you are afraid of losing what? The sex? So what? You won't die. You may hurt a bit but you will preserve your family. Decide now - your family or the A?

[ComingInHot]

Oh Nattie wrote, " I actually like the fact that he's married, so I don't have to worry about this sort of thing. I can't seem to break it off with him at the moment, but I think I could walk away if he came out and asked me to leave my husband. That's a line I just don't want to cross."

 

I don't understand.

 

You are "happy" you are cheating on your H w/a MM who has a new born baby?

You "don't" have to Worry?

You are "Struggling" to Get Out of this A?

You "can't" break it off w/MM who has new born baby?

You "Would" Divorce Your H to continue A w/MM who just had his first child w/His Wife?

You "won't" cross What Line?

 

The only line I can see that you haven't yet crossed is the line where You become Honest... So, am I missing something? (Sometimes I do **)

 

Are you looking for advice on how to get out of an A you are "happy" in? Or do you need perspective to understand that your happiness in the A is limited or to hear from others Their consequences or the real life Betayed's pain (by betrayed I mean spouses, children, in laws, friends etc..)

 

I'd like to support you but I am not sure exactly what you are looking for

 

If it's purely to vent, I TOTALLY get that!! Vent away my friend, LS is Great for that*

[ComingInHot]

Nattie wrote, " I'm trying to figure out why I'm really doing this, and gain the courage to try and fix this mess by talking with others in the same situation who can relate to what I'm dealing with."

 

Oops, I missed this. Sorry.

 

So, this, what you wrote, I can relate to*

Many times I've wondered why I have done something I know is wrong. Most times, actually pretty much ALL times*, it's because I've gotten some sort of Validation, pleasure, feeling of worth. Those are the up sides. The down sides are usually the hurt I've caused others, ending up feeling less worthy, the damage & pain I've caused on myself.

End result, where my temporary wrong doings have placed me in life today. Years later.

 

Courage is sooo hard sometimes Nattie! I mean if I've Chosen to do something wrong for my own selfish pleasure or gain, why/how would I WANT to change?! I would then "lose" what pleasure my wrong doing has brought me. I'd have to have the courage to look at & in myself and acknowledge my behavior & that can be uuuuugly. I'd have to have courage to face the ones I love & who love me and acknowledge how my behavior has hurt them.

 

If Courage & honesty were EASY, we'd All do it straight away.

 

Sometimes though, courage & honesty is the first step in fixing or finding out what is wrong w/in ourselves in order to fix things*