Update... sigh...

[Nattie]

I've decided to try something today. I haven't spoken to MM in a few days, which means there is a very good chance that I get the "I miss you" txt at some point today. He seems to sense when I'm slipping, and am getting along fine without him, and feels the need to make sure I'm still there.

 

Anyway, I've noticed a pattern in myself. I miss him and want him most, after we've just talked or met. Days like today, when I haven't heard from him, I'm feeling somewhat free! I really feel like I could let this fade out, and be fine with it. Once he texts and re-hatches everything, I start the cycle all over again. I've decided that the next time he contacts me, I will tell him it's done. I'm curious to see how he reacts. I suspect he will be cool with it, and say well, it was fun while it lasted, I'll miss you etc. If he goes into panic mode, and becomes desperate, begs me not to end it and all that, I don't really know how I will handle it, but I WILL know that it's taken a more serious turn, all the more reason for me to slam on the brakes! I hate the thought of hurting his feelings, but I think something has to give. Stay tuned...

[Pierre]

I've decided to try something today. I haven't spoken to MM in a few days, which means there is a very good chance that I get the "I miss you" txt at some point today. He seems to sense when I'm slipping, and am getting along fine without him, and feels the need to make sure I'm still there.

 

Anyway, I've noticed a pattern in myself. I miss him and want him most, after we've just talked or met. Days like today, when I haven't heard from him, I'm feeling somewhat free! I really feel like I could let this fade out, and be fine with it. Once he texts and re-hatches everything, I start the cycle all over again.

 

You are acting like an addict, which is basically the definition of early romantic love and enchantment. People that are prone to affairs think that love stays this way forever, but it does not work that way.

 

If you go 100% NC for several months he will be out of your system.

 

 

 

 

I've decided that the next time he contacts me, I will tell him it's done. I'm curious to see how he reacts. I suspect he will be cool with it, and say well, it was fun while it lasted, I'll miss you etc. If he goes into panic mode, and becomes desperate, begs me not to end it and all that, I don't really know how I will handle it, but I WILL know that it's taken a more serious turn, all the more reason for me to slam on the brakes! I hate the thought of hurting his feelings, but I think something has to give. Stay tuned...

 

Silly goose!

 

If he is cool with it you will be destroyed because you will not get validation. A big part of this romance is the validation you get. Therefore, you find a way to get this going.

 

If he begs you and gets down on his knees you will be validated big time. And you will come back for more.

 

You don't want to hurt him because OM will think less of you if you disappoint him. You are still thinking about your own validation. You want OM to admire you.

 

In reality, his feelings are moot. He is just looking for "poosy" (pardon the vulgar term).

 

If you truly want this to end you go cold turkey 100% NC and do not answer to him at all.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I've decided to try something today. I haven't spoken to MM in a few days, which means there is a very good chance that I get the "I miss you" txt at some point today. He seems to sense when I'm slipping, and am getting along fine without him, and feels the need to make sure I'm still there.

 

Anyway, I've noticed a pattern in myself. I miss him and want him most, after we've just talked or met. Days like today, when I haven't heard from him, I'm feeling somewhat free! I really feel like I could let this fade out, and be fine with it. Once he texts and re-hatches everything, I start the cycle all over again. I've decided that the next time he contacts me, I will tell him it's done. I'm curious to see how he reacts. I suspect he will be cool with it, and say well, it was fun while it lasted, I'll miss you etc. If he goes into panic mode, and becomes desperate, begs me not to end it and all that, I don't really know how I will handle it, but I WILL know that it's taken a more serious turn, all the more reason for me to slam on the brakes! I hate the thought of hurting his feelings, but I think something has to give. Stay tuned...

 

It's all a habit. I am the same way once I've seen my OM. But if it's been a while, I feel okay and can deal with it better. Good luck!

[Nattie]

You are acting like an addict, which is basically the definition of early romantic love and enchantment. People that are prone to affairs think that love stays this way forever, but it does not work that way.

 

If you go 100% NC for several months he will be out of your system.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Silly goose!

 

If he is cool with it you will be destroyed because you will not get validation. A big part of this romance is the validation you get. Therefore, you find a way to get this going.

 

If he begs you and gets down on his knees you will be validated big time. And you will come back for more.

 

You don't want to hurt him because OM will think less of you if you disappoint him. You are still thinking about your own validation. You want OM to admire you.

 

In reality, his feelings are moot. He is just looking for "poosy" (pardon the vulgar term).

 

If you truly want this to end you go cold turkey 100% NC and do not answer to him at all.

 

I dunno Pierre!! I've been wanting him to break it off for a while now, I just have trouble doing it myself! I've said all along this would be SO much easier if he'd dump ME. Yes, it would hurt a little.. but I'd get over it.

 

You are right about his feelings though. This isn't going anywhere, it HAS to end. Might as well be now. I have to remember that.

Edited June 20, 2013 by Nattie

[Pierre]

I dunno Pierre!! I've been wanting him to break it off for a while now, I just have trouble doing it myself! I've said all along this would be SO much easier if he'd dump ME. Yes, it would hurt a little.. but I'd get over it.

 

You are right about his feelings though. This isn't going anywhere, it HAS to end. Might as well be now. I have to remember that.

 

I have to say you have great insight.

 

But, having great intellectual insight is not enough. The heart pulls very hard.

[Turtles]

I dunno Pierre!! I've been wanting him to break it off for a while now, I just have trouble doing it myself! I've said all along this would be SO much easier if he'd dump ME. Yes, it would hurt a little.. but I'd get over it.

 

You are right about his feelings though. This isn't going anywhere, it HAS to end. Might as well be now. I have to remember that.

 

Can you not just block his number & email? That might save you all the trouble of having to deal with it.

[2sunny]

Why are you cheating?

[Nattie]

Why are you cheating?

 

I have no idea. I am bored, and MM is hot. I can't come up with a more logical explanation.

[Nattie]

Can you not just block his number & email? That might save you all the trouble of having to deal with it.

 

I could. I blocked him before, and it didn't last long. I need that closure. I need to say or be told that it's over, and have us both be at peace with it, and I don't think that's unreasonable in this situation. If I would just gather up the courage to say it, he would be fine.

[Nattie]

I have to say you have great insight.

 

But, having great intellectual insight is not enough. The heart pulls very hard.

 

 

You're so right Pierre! I can say with 100% honesty, that the hardest part of letting this go, will be feeling like he no longer desires me, no longer thinks about me, the chase is done. BUT, it's a road to nowhere, there cannot possibly be a good outcome. I'm repeating that to myself today... a thousand times.

[weedsandposies]

I was in a similar situation as you a few years back. I managed an exit from OM. He still tries even a wife and child later. But much less aggressively than before.

 

If you are ready to end it you have to be very strict, tell him no more contact and mean it. Do not contact him again even *when* he tries to contact you. It will be hard because as you get back into your life without OM you'll have days where you're sad, depressed, bored, miss him, etc. You need a plan in place to combat those weak moments so you don't give into him, or worse initiate contact again and send him mixed signals <-- this will bring out the crazy in him and he might cause a DDAY.

 

As another poster said it's more of a habit, treat as such. For me the worst was the ego boost was gone. Also, ending an A is harder than a regular relationship because we go back to our normal routine as opposed to starting a new R... new feelings. I even contemplated having ONS to ease the withdrawal.

[Pierre]

You're so right Pierre! I can say with 100% honesty, that the hardest part of letting this go, will be feeling like he no longer desires me, no longer thinks about me, the chase is done. BUT, it's a road to nowhere, there cannot possibly be a good outcome. I'm repeating that to myself today... a thousand times.

 

I think you love it when this OM looks at you with lust in his eyes. This is your number one emotional need . You want to be desired. Someone asked why you are having an affair and I believe it has to do with being wanted, being desired, being the object of admiration.

 

 

All of us like to be wanted, but for you it is a bit more intense.

[2sure]

I have read most if your posts. I've been both BS and OW.

 

I think you really like many aspects of the affair. I think if it were not this particular MM, you would have eventually had an affair with someone else.

From your descriptions of your feelings, I think if this affair ends you will have another.

 

I mean, if for some reason you don't want to...you can stop of course. But why would you?

[JustAReformedGirl]

It sounds like both you and the MM get some sort of emotional and psychological reassurance from the affair. You both have feelings, but not enough to want to leave your partners for each other.

 

You want to end the affair, but you keep getting sucked back in. The longer you go without talking to him, the easier things get for you.

 

It may be difficult, but stay firm in what you want. Next time he contacts you, do everything in your power to not give in to his desire, his need for you. Say what you need to say-even if you feel the need to do it gently, rather than being blunt.

 

It really is a tough, and lonely road. I've only been travelling this road for a year (I'm married, and have a single AP) and I'm fairly certain the longer things go on this way, the harder they're going to become.

 

So, a choice needs to be made; in your case, you don't want to leave your husband, so the best decision is to cut your MM loose. It's likely going to hurt you both...but, it may very well be for the best.

[2sunny]

I think you love it when this OM looks at you with lust in his eyes. This is your number one emotional need . You want to be desired. Someone asked why you are having an affair and I believe it has to do with being wanted, being desired, being the object of admiration.

 

 

All of us like to be wanted, but for you it is a bit more intense.

 

Yep, to the extent of not respecting herself...which leads to feeling more needy and further low self esteem.

 

Vicious cycle of self destruction - yet she keeps doing the same thing.

 

Nothing changes when nothing changes.

[zevahc]

I will say, that I am coming to a crossroads. This affair is no longer new and providing that intense rush, and it's obviously no longer JUST about sex and physical attraction. When you're rounding the one year mark, something is keeping it going. I told myself months ago when I finally gave in and got physical with him that it would only be a quick fling, and then we'd say well, it was fun while it lasted, lets go back to our real lives now", but that didn't happen. I'm getting to the point where instead of plotting our next meeting in my head, I'm plotting breakup speeches. I don't want to be in this spot a year or two down the road...

 

You absolutely don't....i've just past 2 years and we started the breakup stuff a few months ago and this has been a rough few months...when I tried a year ago I was absolutely ready and could have done it and felt much better...one more year made a huge difference. I'm madly in love with this person and she'll never be my W....it's painful.

 

End it before it gets harder!

Edited June 21, 2013 by zevahc
Added a sentence

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi.

 

Therapy/individual counselling has been suggested to you a couple of times in this thread, and I still haven't seen any reply from you about it. Is there any good reason why you won't call a therapist today to set up an appointment?

[Nattie]

Hi.

 

Therapy/individual counselling has been suggested to you a couple of times in this thread, and I still haven't seen any reply from you about it. Is there any good reason why you won't call a therapist today to set up an appointment?

 

I have zero interest in seeing a therapist. When I was a young teen I was in therapy for years (I was a very rebellious child lol, skipping school, drugs, running away etc.) so I know what it's like, and it's not something I would consider for myself again.

 

As far as MM goes, we still haven't spoken

I know it's only a matter of time before he sends a text, but I'm feeling good about this! If we were going to break ties, now would be the perfect time, he's insanely busy, and I'm about to be swamped with work the next few months. If this were to continue throughout the summer, it would be a real challenge to find time to see each other. I know that after a year, it's not just going to go away. He's going to want to get some, and seek me out, but I plan on nicely telling him it's not going to happen again.

[Pierre]

He's going to want to get some, and seek me out, but I plan on nicely telling him it's not going to happen again.

 

I have to give you a lot of credit for thinking that way, but as they say "famous last words".

[Nattie]

I have to give you a lot of credit for thinking that way, but as they say "famous last words".

 

I'm feeling excited about this Pierre!!

 

We used to see each other almost everyday, but now we're a good two hours apart. It's a struggle, and beyond pointless to continue anything. I should have done this weeks ago!

[Spark1111]

I have zero interest in seeing a therapist. When I was a young teen I was in therapy for years (I was a very rebellious child lol, skipping school, drugs, running away etc.) so I know what it's like, and it's not something I would consider for myself again.

 

As far as MM goes, we still haven't spoken

I know it's only a matter of time before he sends a text, but I'm feeling good about this! If we were going to break ties, now would be the perfect time, he's insanely busy, and I'm about to be swamped with work the next few months. If this were to continue throughout the summer, it would be a real challenge to find time to see each other. I know that after a year, it's not just going to go away. He's going to want to get some, and seek me out, but I plan on nicely telling him it's not going to happen again.

 

WoW! Now there is a clue in bold if ever I saw one Sherlock!

 

Why the rebellion Nattie?

[Owl]

WoW! Now there is a clue in bold if ever I saw one Sherlock!

 

Why the rebellion Nattie?

 

And have you considered that an affair at this point is just a continuation of that same 'rebellion'?

[Nattie]

And have you considered that an affair at this point is just a continuation of that same 'rebellion'?

I'm sure it is, I'm very rebellious, but what good would the A do, if nobody knows about it? When I'm rebellious, it's done out of spite, to intentionally upset someone. And I'm not a serial cheater. One time, one MM, lesson learned!

[Owl]

I'm sure it is, I'm very rebellious, but what good would the A do, if nobody knows about it? When I'm rebellious, it's done out of spite, to intentionally upset someone. And I'm not a serial cheater. One time, one MM, lesson learned!

 

Define "good" in this context?

 

Rebellion is often rooted in "getting away with" an action that you're "not supposed to do".

 

You got away with it. Rebellion successful.

 

Not much else left for me to offer in the way of advice or support for you...you've already been given excellent advice from a number of folks here. Hope it all works out to the best for all of you involved in this situation.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi.

 

Nattie, thnx for the reply.

 

Two things, if I may:

1. I'm not sure what your experience was with therapy/counselling in your teens that made you so reluctant to go now, but please, bare in mind:

- there are different types of counselling/therapy, sometimes you have to try several approaches before you find sth that works for you and that you like

- there are good and bad counsellors, just like there are good and bad doctors - just because you had bad experience with one/a couple of them, doesn't mean you should never again try therapy or doctors/hospitals

- is it possible that you disliked therapy in your teen years so much because you were at the time a rebellious teen? and that you could at least give it another try now that you're an adult?

- therapy as a science/field of medicine has progressed tremendously in the last 10, 15, 20 years, so perhaps the newer approaches would suit you better than those from when you were a teen

 

I think it'd be a shame to completely throw away the option of therapy because of the experience(s) as a teen.

 

2. I believe it will calm your bad conscience if you try with therapy now. That way, you will be able to tell both yourself and your family (if they ever discover) that you truly tried your best to help yourself... And I imagine if your family discovers the affair (even after it ends), marriage counselling will be in order if you'll want to try reconcilliation, and I definetely think your kids will need therapy to help them get over the consequences of discovering your (perhaps already ended) affair. If you'd be willing to try those options in the future, after the potential discovery of your affair, why not try it now, before it's discovered, so you'll be able to end it more successfully?

 

If you're afraid of losing "only" time and money in trying therapy now, I would think that the potential loss of time/money is nothing compared to how much good this might do for you&your family. And again, if it doesn't work, at least you will have tried your best!

 

You might think I'm trying to guilt trip you into trying therapy. Perhaps a part of me is trying to do that, yes, I think a small part is trying to persuade you also emotionally, not just rationally. But all in all, I keep trying to imagine myself in your shoes, your husband's shoes, your kids' shoes, and I keep thinking that no matter what you think of therapy, it might be a crucial part in helping all of you. And you'll know that you truly did your best to help yourself. If therapy doesn't help, ok, at least you've tried, and you can continue with your other methods of dealing with all this.

 

And as your husband/child, I'd be "happier" if I knew you tried therapy, for their sake, than if you hadn't tried therapy at all.

 

And again, I think and see that you wish yourself and your family all the best, and that you are here because of this. I just think it's worth to try again with therapy, so you will have professional help which might help you tremendously in dealing with all this. You're giving your time to listen to our replies - why not give your time to listen, at least for a little while, what therapist has to tell you?

 

Best wishes to you and both families!