Update... sigh...

[Nattie]

Oh Nattie wrote, " I actually like the fact that he's married, so I don't have to worry about this sort of thing. I can't seem to break it off with him at the moment, but I think I could walk away if he came out and asked me to leave my husband. That's a line I just don't want to cross."

 

I don't understand.

 

You are "happy" you are cheating on your H w/a MM who has a new born baby?

You "don't" have to Worry?

You are "Struggling" to Get Out of this A?

You "can't" break it off w/MM who has new born baby?

You "Would" Divorce Your H to continue A w/MM who just had his first child w/His Wife?

You "won't" cross What Line?

 

The only line I can see that you haven't yet crossed is the line where You become Honest... So, am I missing something? (Sometimes I do **)

 

Are you looking for advice on how to get out of an A you are "happy" in? Or do you need perspective to understand that your happiness in the A is limited or to hear from others Their consequences or the real life Betayed's pain (by betrayed I mean spouses, children, in laws, friends etc..)

 

I'd like to support you but I am not sure exactly what you are looking for

 

If it's purely to vent, I TOTALLY get that!! Vent away my friend, LS is Great for that*

 

 

I think right now, I'm just here to vent. Obviously I'm not content with the situation... just battling my own demons at the moment. To clear up any misunderstanding though, he doesn't have a newborn baby, lol!! His youngest is a teenager. He's a little bit older than me, my kids are younger than his, but not babies. I guess I just don't want to WANT him anymore, but I do

[Nattie]

btw, which one was it - innocent flirting or relentless pursuit?

 

 

 

At the time, I did think it was innocent flirting, but now looking back I feel like an absolute idiot. He was in full pursuit, and I should have seen it coming. I liked and tolerated the flirting for a few reasons, and I am being totally honest here.

 

1. I do like the attention. My clothes, hair, and makeup are always perfect. I'm aware that I'm pretty and take pride in my appearance, so I'm very used to being flirted with and I can't deny, I'm very vain.

 

2. He was my boss. I was the favorite, and more or less got anything I wanted in terms of days off etc.

 

It sounds so bratty of my to say those things, but it's the truth... and really, his flirting wasn't that much different than what I've experienced in the past. There was an obvious physical attraction, but after ten years of being faithful to my H, I never really thought it would cross the line to become physical, does that make sense?

[Pierre]

At the time, I did think it was innocent flirting, but now looking back I feel like an absolute idiot. He was in full pursuit, and I should have seen it coming. I liked and tolerated the flirting for a few reasons, and I am being totally honest here.

 

1. I do like the attention. My clothes, hair, and makeup are always perfect. I'm aware that I'm pretty and take pride in my appearance, so I'm very used to being flirted with and I can't deny, I'm very vain.

 

2. He was my boss. I was the favorite, and more or less got anything I wanted in terms of days off etc.

 

It sounds so bratty of my to say those things, but it's the truth... and really, his flirting wasn't that much different than what I've experienced in the past. There was an obvious physical attraction, but after ten years of being faithful to my H, I never really thought it would cross the line to become physical, does that make sense?

 

You are a major target for men that are looking for extramarital sex. They know you crave attention and sooner or later a woman that loves to flirt becomes unfaithful. It may sound like innocent flirting, but there is a purpose and the purpose is attention. Extramarital sex is ultimate attention.

 

 

Paradoxically the men that flirt are no different than you, they crave attention. That is why the attraction seems so magical. Been there done that, it is fun.

[JustJoe]

Maybe I didn't word it correctly... I could care less if he stays married or not, I just don't want him to leave for ME, or think we're going to be together in the end. If he has someone else chasing and she's worth leaving for, that's his business, but I highly doubt that's the case. He and his W are both in the marriage for convenience. Neither one are invested, and it would probably be much better for her if he were to leave, but I wouldn't ask that he leave her for me, and I would never expect him to ask the same of me. I started telling him that we were in a good place to end things. We wanted each other, we gave into temptation and got it out of our systems (or so I thought..) Why stay together? We're not working toward an ultimate goal of being together, so why keep this up? I have no idea... maybe there are more feelings than I realize. I could block his number, I did it before, we made it a week NC. There is a part of me that wants this all in the past, and there is a part of me that wants him, and we all know which part is currently winning. Aussielady I hope I am in your shoes someday, moving on quietly while still with my husband and family. I am sucked in right now, and I know it will only get worse. I always fantasize in my head sitting him down and breaking it off, it's like he flips a switch everytime he calls or texts. I guess I'm just plain weak.

Perhaps it would be better if you fantasize about how your husband and family are going to react when they find out? Which they almost certainly will. I think you need a reality check. This is NOT going to end well, the only thing you can do is try to limit the damage that YOU have caused. That is if you have any feelings for your family at all. BTW I was the OM in an affair, and I would not describe it as "fun".

[JustJoe]

Everyone in my situation knows the consequences, we all know what would happen should our H/W's find out. If it's not enough to stop someone from starting it in the first place, it's not going to make them end it, unless they reach a breaking point or are consumed by guilt. We're human. I know it's wrong, so does he, but we're not the only two heartless monsters in the world. I know of multiple people involved in A's at my workplace, and that's just one small little company. Some don't think people know, some don't even try to hide it, my point is it happens, a lot more than people think. Not saying because it's relatively common that it's ok, I know it isn't...

Don't be so glib. Really think about what Sparks has asked you. Are you so selfish that you would horribly damage 2 families, just for a little sex on the side? If so, then you really need to divorce , for you are not marriage material, because you will most likely do it again. I'm not trying to beat you up, OP, there are many people who are not marriage material, and would be better off single.

[JustJoe]

At the time, I did think it was innocent flirting, but now looking back I feel like an absolute idiot. He was in full pursuit, and I should have seen it coming. I liked and tolerated the flirting for a few reasons, and I am being totally honest here.

 

1. I do like the attention. My clothes, hair, and makeup are always perfect. I'm aware that I'm pretty and take pride in my appearance, so I'm very used to being flirted with and I can't deny, I'm very vain.

 

2. He was my boss. I was the favorite, and more or less got anything I wanted in terms of days off etc.

 

It sounds so bratty of my to say those things, but it's the truth... and really, his flirting wasn't that much different than what I've experienced in the past. There was an obvious physical attraction, but after ten years of being faithful to my H, I never really thought it would cross the line to become physical, does that make sense?

This makes perfect sense to a self-absorbed person.

[Spark1111]

Mattie, if you are seriously looking for the "why" then find a good therapist and maybe start with:

 

Why you love to flirt and seem validated by the attention and flattery of strange men who would love to bed you because, as Pierre has stated, they see your need from a thousand yards away.

 

you, my dear, are easy prey for reasons of ego-validation and romantic fantasies.

 

Why?.....start there.

[Artie Lang]

Perhaps it would be better if you fantasize about how your husband and family

are going to react when they find out?

 

that's the thing, though. she bears no consequences. that's why she can't extricate herself from this. if she would see how this is hurting her family - by admitting to it - hopefully she'd begin to snap out of it. she's living in a fantasy world right now..... her and OM against the world.

 

what a joke.

[Nattie]

If I'm such a target, and these guys can spot me a mile away, why hasn't this happened before? I was faithful for ten years, that's a very long time, and I will NEVER get involved in an A again. It's not that difficult to understand, I gave in to temptation, and I didn't realize it would be this hard to break free from it.

[Artie Lang]

because you finally ran into a POS who was willing to wait you out.

 

you said you'd flirted before, right? that in itself is not healthy. why would you do that when you're married??? you were giving off signals waaay before you started up with this OM. the only difference is this a55hole was willing to put in time and effort in order to get you in the sack. the others probably saw they weren't getting anywhere with you, and then bolted. not so hard to understand.

 

you had serious boundary issues before your affair. you didn't address them. this is why you find yourself here today. GET IT!

 

 

furthermore, you say that you were faithful for 10 years before this, like it's some badge of honor. hellooo..... you're supposed to be faithful throughout your marriage, genius.

Edited June 18, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Pierre]

If I'm such a target, and these guys can spot me a mile away, why hasn't this happened before? I was faithful for ten years, that's a very long time, and I will NEVER get involved in an A again. It's not that difficult to understand, I gave in to temptation, and I didn't realize it would be this hard to break free from it.

 

Many women flirt to get validation. Most men recognize that.

 

 

Many men also recognize which women will put out with little effort. They also recognize women that may require a lot of pursuing and effort. In fact, the chase is the exciting part. You simply ran into an OM that chased you relentlessly. OM read you very well and know you would fall.

[JustJoe]

Again, Nattie, I won't try to beat you up, but I believe that you are a very self-absorbed person. You quite simply cannot imagine the damage and hurt that you are potentially inflicting on your (and the OM's )families. You are in for quite a shock when you are finally discovered. The reason why you can't end it is because you don't really want to because you , as yet . have suffered none of the consequences. Ending an affair can be painful, but it is seldom hard. If you really had any empathy for the families, you could do it. My advice is that you end the affair, your marriage and become a single woman, so you can "give into temptation" without harming anybody. You might very well be a good mother, but you aren't so good as a wife.

[JustJoe]

because you finally ran into a POS who was willing to wait you out.

 

you said you'd flirted before, right? that in itself is not healthy. why would you do that when you're married??? you were giving off signals waaay before you started up with this OM. the only difference is this a55hole was willing to put in time and effort in order to get you in the sack. the others probably saw they weren't getting anywhere with you, and then bolted. not so hard to understand.

 

you had serious boundary issues before your affair. you didn't address them. this is why you find yourself here today. GET IT!

 

 

furthermore, you say that you were faithful for 10 years before this, like it's some badge of honor. hellooo..... you're supposed to be faithful throughout your marriage, genius.

I agree with Lang, you don't get a gold star for being faithful, it's expected from a person who really loves their family.

[Spark1111]

If I'm such a target, and these guys can spot me a mile away, why hasn't this happened before? I was faithful for ten years, that's a very long time, and I will NEVER get involved in an A again. It's not that difficult to understand, I gave in to temptation, and I didn't realize it would be this hard to break free from it.

 

you were never this vulnerable BEFORE. He sensed your vulnerability NOW.....and like all the MEN have stated......the pursuit I'd a bif part of the FOREPLAY and the excitement of the chase.

 

Do you realiz how many MW would have felt yuck! And shut it down? He sensed, on a primal, biological level....conscious or unconscious ......that the PURSUIT of you would pay off.

 

And it did, didn't it?

 

call him tomorrow. Tell him you want to divorce your H and have a long-term, committed relationship with him. Sooooo you expect he will inform his wife and join you, holding hands, as you walk into the sunset together.

 

Watch or listen to his reactions carefully IF you are SO CONVINCED you are more than a side dish of new sex for him.....this man who flirted and waited over a year for you....He will run for the high hills, I bet.

 

Gentlemen posting....Am I correct here??????

[Nattie]

I would never, EVER tell him that I wanted a divorce and to be with him, because I don't. I would never expect him to leave his wife and come be with me, I've stated that numerous times.

 

I simply said that he told me he was developing feelings. I really don't care if I'm a side dish for him, because that's what he is for me. This is a two way street and as far as I know, we're both on the same path. When I'm with my H, his texts go unanswered. I don't sit around and fantasize about being happy with him forever, in fact I've also said in previous posts that I'm not even sure I would want him at all if he were available. I like the fact that he is married, taken, off the market, because so am I.

[ComingInHot]

Nattie, you wrote how you wanted to fix this mess you have and are in but from other comments you've made, you are happy in your cheating.

Not sure if the topic veered a smidge but can you explain how you feel it's a mesd and need to find courage to fix it?

[Nattie]

Nattie, you wrote how you wanted to fix this mess you have and are in but from other comments you've made, you are happy in your cheating.

Not sure if the topic veered a smidge but can you explain how you feel it's a mesd and need to find courage to fix it?

 

 

I don't really know if I'm ready to fix it, you're right. I'm battling myself over the guilt. I love seeing my MM, but my H doesn't deserve this. I wish my attraction for him would just fade out, but if it were that easy nobody would be in these situations. If I really wanted to stop, I would.

[JustJoe]

I agree with you, Nattie. You could end it if you want to. I don't agree that you are seriously battling any guilt or remorse. When people in affairs make excuses, then they are not feeling much guilt for the affair. You really don't want it to end and are more concerned about self gratification than you are about your husband and your children's welfare. Bottom line.

[JustJoe]

I , personally, think you need to get some kind of counseling for your selfishness issues. As it stands, you are very poor wife material. Either that or become a single mom.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I agree with you, Nattie. You could end it if you want to. I don't agree that you are seriously battling any guilt or remorse. When people in affairs make excuses, then they are not feeling much guilt for the affair. You really don't want it to end and are more concerned about self gratification than you are about your husband and your children's welfare. Bottom line.

 

Have you ever actually been in an affair? If not, can you really say how she is feeling?

[JustJoe]

Have you ever actually been in an affair? If not, can you really say how she is feeling?

I was in a 41/2 year affair with a married woman, who is now my wife. I have told my story years ago on LS.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I was in a 41/2 year affair with a married woman, who is now my wife. I have told my story years ago on LS.

 

And you, or her, never felt guilty, as you claim Nattie can't?

 

I don't mean to call you out, but it seems like people on this site are so quick to say "no, you don't feel bad, you're a cake eater" blah blah blah..but it's impossible to know what feelings are going on in another persons head.

 

I feel tremendous guilt for what I am doing. Started as guilt over the sex, and I will admit, that has gone away. Now I feel guilty that I want to break up my family to be with another man. It's an internal struggle that I can't seem to get out of..or am not ready to get out of. But the guilt is there, eating away at me..

[sweet_pea]

She is a cake-eater though. She wants to stay married and have a guy on the side. I wish she'd have picked a single guy, at least.

[ComingInHot]

Grassisorisntgreener,

I can't imagine the daily internal conflict & struggle eating away at the very depths of my soul like that!

It sounds unbearable!

what advice can You as someone in this situation as Nattie is, offer up?

What would you tell, let's say, your own daughter if she was M to a great guy and had children and all?

It may help both you And Nattie?*

[JustJoe]

And you, or her, never felt guilty, as you claim Nattie can't?

 

I don't mean to call you out, but it seems like people on this site are so quick to say "no, you don't feel bad, you're a cake eater" blah blah blah..but it's impossible to know what feelings are going on in another persons head.

 

I feel tremendous guilt for what I am doing. Started as guilt over the sex, and I will admit, that has gone away. Now I feel guilty that I want to break up my family to be with another man. It's an internal struggle that I can't seem to get out of..or am not ready to get out of. But the guilt is there, eating away at me..

If the guilt were as bad as you say, I would think it would be a motivating factor in changing your situation.

In my situation, at first our relationship was purely sexual. This lasted for quite some time, and at that point, I felt no guilt whatsoever. It was only after we began to develop deeper feelings for each other that we began to feel guilty. It motivated me to force D-day, end my relationship with my MW, and start NC until she had made her decision to either stay with him , or divorce and be with me. How it turned out, is obvious.