She flipped me off

[2sure]

The wife may be a doormat, but this kid sure isn't. And she isn't at all afraid either. She recognized you, asked your name, called you a who*e. had no problem with it.

 

If this kid decides to make her dad choose, it's not going to be you.

[LilGirlandOW]

I would love an update about how the conversation went

[StripeyShirt]

I was a 16-year-old in this situation and being very cognizant that this may cut just a little too close for me, I will still attempt to respond in a helpful way.

 

As other posters have said, you are the biggest threat not just to her family, but her whole life. This is about her and her whole family; where she is going to live; whether or not her parents will divorce; will she have to change schools; and how absolutely humiliating it is to have family problems - especially cheat family problems - exposed to everyone you know.

 

I would also hazard a guess that there has already been a DDay, but neither Mom nor Dad know that she knows. Therefore, she's been keeping this inside or has already confronted her dad. She probably hasn't said anything to her mom, because right now she's desperately trying to protect her mother... and in her mind, herself, her brother and her dad, too.

 

You represent it all: a threat to her past, present and future. Yes, I can guarantee she's probably very angry at her father, too. But she's also desperate for him to come back to the fold - a sort of prodigal son type of thing. She can forgive him if he makes good for the family.

 

She's scared to death. I disagree with the one person who made the comment to the effect of that she may not be a nice girl and watch out for the mother. She could be an absolute sweetie. But, she's in the fight of her life here and she is desperate.

 

Knowing this and understanding that her heart is absolutely shattered - not broken, shattered - I would ask that you do what my dad's OW never did: show her compassion. I'm not trying to beat her up, but you made a decision to get into a relationship with a married man, knowing full well it could irreparably harm his marriage and his family. This was no "victim-less" act you engaged in. Please don't expect her to be nice to you or to ever like you. I know I couldn't have. To this day - and I'm an old lady and my parents are reconciled - I genuinely hate my dad's OW. (My own mother tells me that we "can't hate, but we can dislike. I disagree, I hate her.)

 

As for what you should do with her dad, I agree that you need to tell him. It's up to you if you choose to do so in an unvarnished, truthful manner. The fact is, that is his child. She's a minor and he has a lawful responsibility to her. It will absolutely disgust her to talk about her father's sex life (I know, I did it) and it should humiliate him. I would also take it one step further. Her mom should also be told. She, too, has an inalienable right to her daughter. The fact that she is in so much pain and perhaps a bit isolated is devastating to me.

 

As I said, this cuts pretty close for me, so I'm sorry if I didn't empathize with your position. To be honest, this is one of those few black-and-white areas where I not only won't empathize, I can't. I was that girl. I lived through that. Even today, I think I could live through similar with my husband - though I genuinely believe and hope that I will never have to - and it would not hurt me as much.

 

Georgiagirl, even though this obviously cuts close to the bone for you, I find your response compassionate, empathetic and completely authentic. The OP should read this over and over. I can see the pain and thought processes of the young girl that you once were, and the girl that faced the OP in the park. It speaks so clearly about the pain that is felt by the whole family through infidelity.

[mariah33]

I would like to clear some things up, I know I havent been on all day plus I have an update. I have never had sex with her father, the most we have done is kiss. I have never blamed and do not blame his daughter for anything. What she said hurt me, calling me a wh*** and other things hurt, whether you agree that I deserved it or not. Thank you to everyone who was not nasty to me, I have been in a very low place today. i feel like crap for what i have done and gotten myself into. georgia girl and journee, your posts really struck me and i am sorry for what you have gone through.

 

Ok for the update: I told him today what happened, about an hour ago, every detail. I could tell that he was very shocked and seemed also scared probably because his daughter found out. I then told him that the encounter was a huge wakeup call plus with the help of this thread and that i wanted to end our relationship. It was very hard for me to do because I guess its all just really addictive and i do love him and he acted as though he loved me, but i know his daughter is most important and he needs to go to her. Its like night and day from yesterday, i didnt think i would end it, it was on such a whim but i guess it had to be done. If there is a dday by him or her or however, I am willing to accept everything that comes my way.

 

Is there a way to message people so I can update them? I would like to just get help from people who arent going to be nasty and tell me off and make me feel worse than i already do. Thanks again to those who werent straight out nasty.

[Lillyfree]

there is a post minimum/30 day minimum membership before you can pm people.

 

i'm sorry that you are in a bad place, and glad that you've got things out in the open and are owning what's transpired.

 

if anyone is 'straight out nasty' you can report them.

 

all the best.

[HonestNeurotic]

I would like to clear some things up, I know I havent been on all day plus I have an update. I have never had sex with her father, the most we have done is kiss. I have never blamed and do not blame his daughter for anything. What she said hurt me, calling me a wh*** and other things hurt, whether you agree that I deserved it or not. Thank you to everyone who was not nasty to me, I have been in a very low place today. i feel like crap for what i have done and gotten myself into. georgia girl and journee, your posts really struck me and i am sorry for what you have gone through.

 

Ok for the update: I told him today what happened, about an hour ago, every detail. I could tell that he was very shocked and seemed also scared probably because his daughter found out. I then told him that the encounter was a huge wakeup call plus with the help of this thread and that i wanted to end our relationship. It was very hard for me to do because I guess its all just really addictive and i do love him and he acted as though he loved me, but i know his daughter is most important and he needs to go to her. Its like night and day from yesterday, i didnt think i would end it, it was on such a whim but i guess it had to be done. If there is a dday by him or her or however, I am willing to accept everything that comes my way.

 

Is there a way to message people so I can update them? I would like to just get help from people who arent going to be nasty and tell me off and make me feel worse than i already do. Thanks again to those who werent straight out nasty.

 

I think you have to have like - 50 posts of your own - before you get private messaging privileges on this forum.

 

Sorry that you're feeling low. Please understand that people tend to get their hackles up not so much when it's the infidelity - the cheating - but when things happen DIRECTLY with a child. Especially if they are a parent. We go into protect mode and nothing else much matters. I'm not certain that people always take the time to read through the entire thread.

 

I know I do some things and have some attitudes towards things that some here will slam me for - but for the most part - they are well meaning people. In the end - all we can really share is what we KNOW, from experience and from seeing it happen to those close to us.

 

I'm sorry that you've felt attacked. I'm in no position to judge on right/wrongness of affairs - I'm rather in one myself. I think you've done the right thing. I don't think you're some horrible person and I know that you were concerned that the daughter was so angry to have said that to you - not that she said that - if that makes any sense. It's not always easy to put down in words certain things that come across better in a live face to face conversation. Hang in there. Sorry you are hurting.

 

IMHO ~ as always

[2sure]

I care about you. I have real concern for anyone who takes the time to make sincere posts. I hope that my post is not one you found offensive. But it may have been, and that's ok because I was also speaking with sincerity TO you. Not at you . You do not have to defend yourself, we're all here with questions. We're all here learning.

[whichwayisup]

Ok for the update: I told him today what happened, about an hour ago, every detail. I could tell that he was very shocked and seemed also scared probably because his daughter found out. I then told him that the encounter was a huge wakeup call plus with the help of this thread and that i wanted to end our relationship. It was very hard for me to do because I guess its all just really addictive and i do love him and he acted as though he loved me, but i know his daughter is most important and he needs to go to her. Its like night and day from yesterday, i didnt think i would end it, it was on such a whim but i guess it had to be done. If there is a dday by him or her or however, I am willing to accept everything that comes my way.

 

It took courage to end this, so good for you for finding the strength to just do it.

No good can come of affair, only pain and heartache for everybody.

 

Sorry if my reply earlier came off harshly. Many people on here give great advice, yet also give a reality check at the same time. Just ignore the outright rude and mean posts, don't bother to acknowledge those and just focus on the helpful advice.

[JustJoe]

Well I'm in shock because I didn't expect her to even know who I was, and secondly to treat me like that, I didn't deserve it. I havent told him because I didn't want to ruin his Father's day, and I don't want him to be upset that I even talked to her. I know his wife won't act like that, she's a dormat. I love my MM, so I can't just stop talking to him. He is my man, and I care deeply and love him very much. I know I'm gonna have to tell him soon.

So what do you think you deserve from the family that you are helping to ruin?

[findingnemo]

Your rage is a little over the top on this thread here. Take a breath or two.

I haven't seen one person try and justify anything here.

I've seen a lot of people feeling bad for the daughter, making suggestions that the op should put herself in the daughters place etc. Many (in fact most) have told her to step away, let him handle it and that she should be prepared for similiar scenes, but I haven't seen anyone justifying it.

 

Oh.. and you missed the word with.

 

The sentence should be "You are fornicating WITH her father."

 

The OP certainly isn't doing it all by herself, or without his consent. He owns the other 50% and it's up to him to be safeguarding his family. He's obviously done a crappy job.

 

Hmmm...I wonder where this 50% concept comes from. (LFH, I agree with your post but I wish to disagree with the fabled 50% thing posted previously).

 

The OP isn't responsible for 50% of the blame for the pain the BW will feel. The MM is 100% responsible for that. He is also 100% responsible for the pain his daughter is in. The OW is 100% responsible for any pain she may endure as a result of the A. She can and should feel empathy towards the BW. But even if she doesn't, she bears no real responsibility to the BW. What she should know is that as a woman, a human being...betrayal is a b%#$&! In terms of morality, both MM and OW are 100% responsible for breaking societal rules.

 

Of course the daughter lashed out at the OP. She doesn't know any better. She is a child and is hurting. She is unable to realize that knowing what she knows she could come up with a strategy to rid her family of the OW forever. I hope she does tell her mother. It is too heavy a burden for a teenager.

 

OP, please do tell MM. I'm glad you didn't respond or react. Talk to MM about it and both of you should decide how to proceed. Realize that he has been under a microscope for a while and still is. His daughter is watching his every move.

[JustJoe]

No I do not, I would like a family in the future, though

Sorry to say this, OP but it probably won't be with this guy. He's 45 and already has two kids, he won't want more.

[JustJoe]

I would like to clear some things up, I know I havent been on all day plus I have an update. I have never had sex with her father, the most we have done is kiss. I have never blamed and do not blame his daughter for anything. What she said hurt me, calling me a wh*** and other things hurt, whether you agree that I deserved it or not. Thank you to everyone who was not nasty to me, I have been in a very low place today. i feel like crap for what i have done and gotten myself into. georgia girl and journee, your posts really struck me and i am sorry for what you have gone through.

 

Ok for the update: I told him today what happened, about an hour ago, every detail. I could tell that he was very shocked and seemed also scared probably because his daughter found out. I then told him that the encounter was a huge wakeup call plus with the help of this thread and that i wanted to end our relationship. It was very hard for me to do because I guess its all just really addictive and i do love him and he acted as though he loved me, but i know his daughter is most important and he needs to go to her. Its like night and day from yesterday, i didnt think i would end it, it was on such a whim but i guess it had to be done. If there is a dday by him or her or however, I am willing to accept everything that comes my way.

 

Is there a way to message people so I can update them? I would like to just get help from people who arent going to be nasty and tell me off and make me feel worse than i already do. Thanks again to those who werent straight out nasty.

Mariah, you seem like a decent sort, but this relationship was doomed from the get go. The age difference alone is bad enough, but starting from an affair, where there are teenage children makes it way tougher. If I can be sure of anything here, it is that you will ALWAYS be the enemy to his kids. I know what I'm talking about. My Mom had an affair when we were teens and all of us kids hated the man, and did everything in our power to make his life a misery. He had kids as well and we terrorized them because of him. When he died years after the affair was over, none of us mourned .

[ComingInHot]

mariah33, you did the smart thing by telling cheating H that his daughter knows And ending it W/MM.

 

JustJoe hit the nail on the head too. There are so many nasty layers in this A situation for you that it really concerns me.

 

By the way Joe... Go Blue?! Or, green? And I've never heard it called "upstate" Michigan* Anyway, great post, you seem very "Go big or Go home"

[georgia girl]

Mariah,

 

I apologize if my post was hurtful for you and I genuinely hope that you found it insightful. You are not responsible for what my siblings went through and I genuinely was not trying to land that at your feet but to let you know the perspective of a child of infidelity.

 

Please take care.

[JustJoe]

mariah33, you did the smart thing by telling cheating H that his daughter knows And ending it W/MM.

 

JustJoe hit the nail on the head too. There are so many nasty layers in this A situation for you that it really concerns me.

 

By the way Joe... Go Blue?! Or, green? And I've never heard it called "upstate" Michigan* Anyway, great post, you seem very "Go big or Go home"

It's all Green where we live. None of that Blue cr*p!! Actually, I'm originally from Texas, but when my Mom had her A, we lived with my Aunt and Uncle in Mich. and I LOVED it, and always planned to move back after I left the service.

There are only 3 directions in Michigan: Detroit, the "mitten" and the U.P. lol Sorry OP for the T/J.

[JustJoe]

OP, you toughed it out and did the right thing. You may be hurting now, but this lesson you have learned will stand you in good stead in the future. Hold your head up and don't look back. You WILL be ok, kiddo.

[Artie Lang]

i

feel like crap for what i have done and gotten myself into.

 

and you should feel like crap.

 

 

this is a wake up call. if you want people to be "nice" and take it easy on you, how are you gonna grasp the reality in which you are embroiled in? you needed an ice cold splash of water to the face, which is what you got.

 

 

in all honesty, this isn't over by a long shot. keep reading here, you'll see what i mean. many, if not most, can't seem to go cold turkey. it's gonna get harder..... waaay harder. going NC is the first step. let's see how long you last.

 

good luck.

[Trimmer]

I was a 16-year-old in this situation and being very cognizant that this may cut just a little too close for me, I will still attempt to respond in a helpful way.

Wow.... your post was amazing - with such palpable pain, your thoughtfulness and empathy is just astounding.

 

The wife may be a doormat, but this kid sure isn't. And she isn't at all afraid either. She recognized you, asked your name, called you a who*e. had no problem with it.

I know the thread has moved on, but I wanted to comment on this. I think the fact that the daughter took direct action doesn't mean she "isn't afraid at all." In fact, I think it means she's so afraid that her anger has pushed her through a barrier that would normally have held her back.

 

This also speaks to skywriter's amazement that she would confront a "total stranger". First of all, the OW was not a total stranger: (a) she was a part of the daughter's life by virtue of her relationship with the MM, and (b) the daughter had actionable intel (which was clearly accurate) that she had the right person, so just because they had never met personally doesn't make the OP a "total stranger" to the daughter.

 

Again, she knew enough for her fear to push her through the inhibition. She was in survival mode.

 

When you see anger, look for the fear underneath. In this case, I assure you, it's there.

 

I would like to clear some things up, I know I havent been on all day plus I have an update. I have never had sex with her father, the most we have done is kiss.

Well, you did call him "my man", and say "I plan on being his only woman, hopefully soon when he tells his wife. " As far as the effect on his daughter's life, given this intention on your part whether or not you had sex yet was pretty much just a detail in the overall picture.

 

I then told him that the encounter was a huge wakeup call plus with the help of this thread and that i wanted to end our relationship. It was very hard for me to do because I guess its all just really addictive and i do love him and he acted as though he loved me, but i know his daughter is most important and he needs to go to her. Its like night and day from yesterday, i didnt think i would end it, it was on such a whim but i guess it had to be done. If there is a dday by him or her or however, I am willing to accept everything that comes my way.

I'm really glad for both you and the family that you've had your wake up call.

 

And I hope this is a growing experience for you, because just a couple days ago you were talking about being his only woman, which implies breaking up his family. Now you are saying "it was on such a whim"... Did you mean the relationship, or your intention to end it?

 

Either way, I think ending it is a good thing, but if you are getting into a relationship with such profound consequences for you and others "on a whim", you may want to think about what that pattern could mean in your life.

 

Is there a way to message people so I can update them? I would like to just get help from people who arent going to be nasty and tell me off and make me feel worse than i already do. Thanks again to those who werent straight out nasty.

The other way to get Private Messaging, if you really feel strongly, is to pay for a subscription and become a supporting member. I think even if you just do a one month subscription (for a few bucks?) you get PM's immediately.

 

I hope I wasn't one of those you consider "nasty", but I won't apologize for being firm with you. As with others, the involvement of a child definitely stirred my attention, and very much informed my comments to you. Your path was taking you in a direction that had serious consequences for you and for others. You may have pulled out in time to minimize the damage; I am pleased for you at that, and I hope this is a learning experience for you as you move forward.

 

You have every right to go to PM's, but I hope you will still post publicly on your progress as you move on, and yes, even find the courage to submit yourself to honest and sometimes critical review. Take what's useful and ignore the intentionally inflammatory if you wish, but you'll get a better range of advice. Plus, give a little something back "for the public good" - threads like this are very useful, even to people who don't post, but only read - possibly into the future.

Edited June 18, 2013 by Trimmer

[mariah33]

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the advice. I should clear up that I meant ending it was on a whim. I should really say that I kind of just blurted it out, that's all I meant. I was really trying to take it one step at a time, first telling his daughter then eventually ending it but I kind of just did everything all at once. I hope this makes sense, i'm a bit of a mess right now.

[Pierre]

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the advice. I should clear up that I meant ending it was on a whim. I should really say that I kind of just blurted it out, that's all I meant. I was really trying to take it one step at a time, first telling his daughter then eventually ending it but I kind of just did everything all at once. I hope this makes sense, i'm a bit of a mess right now.

 

Going after an old man that is married with grown children is not a plan to have a family of your own. This teen girl has done you a huge favor by opening your eyes.

 

Go date someone your own age that is single and looking forward to have a family.

[ladydesigner]

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the advice. I should clear up that I meant ending it was on a whim. I should really say that I kind of just blurted it out, that's all I meant. I was really trying to take it one step at a time, first telling his daughter then eventually ending it but I kind of just did everything all at once. I hope this makes sense, i'm a bit of a mess right now.

 

I think you should be proud of yourself for doing what most people cannot and end their A. That is huge!!!

[Trimmer]

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the advice. I should clear up that I meant ending it was on a whim. I should really say that I kind of just blurted it out, that's all I meant. I was really trying to take it one step at a time, first telling his daughter then eventually ending it but I kind of just did everything all at once. I hope this makes sense, i'm a bit of a mess right now.

Maybe that means your heart and your instincts were trying to do the right thing...

[mariah33]

I am proud of myself, it's hard right now, but you guys were all correct that it needed to be done. My other post should also say "that first telling him about his daughter". I do miss him but I guess this is all part of the 'withdrawal' so to speak. I hope NC can stay for everyone's sake.

[georgia girl]

Mariah,

 

I am proud of you, too. You have to be desperately hurting right now. As an old lady, can I promise you that you will live to love again. And the pain of this healing will help guide you when you choose your next partner. And if that one ends, the pain and wisdom gained will guide you again.

 

I have had my heart broken many times in my dating life - I always thought that the man I was with was "THE ONE" (if I could bold that, I would). I just wanted the love of a lifetime and when I got close, I ignored anything that said it was just close, not on target.

 

I finally found the one and I look back and sometimes feel a bit wistful for that 20-something (or 30-something) with a broken heart. Had I only known what was waiting for me, I don't think those broken hearts would have lingered quite so long.

 

Hugs, GG

[spice4life]

Mariah, youre awesome! I am so happy that you took everyone's advice and stepped away from the situation. I hope you didnt think my posts were harsh. I have daughters and could only imagine the immense pain, confusion and anger that poor kid is going through right now. It was heart breaking to think about.

 

 

 

You going to go through all kinds of emotions, but try to stick with youre decision because you will save yourself a lot of heartache in the future. (((HUGS)))