She flipped me off

[Trimmer]

...I didn't deserve it.

I would imagine that this 16 year old may feel just that same way...

 

I dont think he knows. I swear this is something that would only happen in a movie, but nope, my real life.

No way... In a movie, the screenwriter would make the 16 year old wiser than her years, capable of all kinds of sophisticated scheming, maybe she'd know a spy or an FBI agent who could help her out, etc.

 

In real life, you get a scared, confused, betrayed, isolated and broken young woman who feels like she's lost all control of her life, and is lashing out in some attempt (probably futile, though) to bring things back into focus and control.

 

This doesn't sound like a movie at all, it sounds exactly like real life.

 

At first I did want to tell her off but I thought that she might tell my MM and then it would make me look bad.

Yes, that would be the main reason not to strike back at her. It wouldn't have anything to do with having a bit of empathy or understanding of the f****d up world she finds herself in at the moment.

 

I dont wish to be the OW forever, I plan on being his only woman, hopefully soon when he tells his wife. I know he isn't married to me, but his heart is with me, not wife, and he has told me this many times.

Advice: he will talk and talk and tell you things. Watch for what he does. What is he doing? Actions over words. Please, for your own sanity, heed this advice.

 

I felt out of control but wanted the OW to know she wasn't fooling anyone and would never be a welcomed part of my life. I can't explain why I did it.

I think you just did.

[Lillyfree]

OP, my assumption is that you came here to share what happened, and were expecting more that we were going to say what a rude little girl she is and how you were hard done by her.

 

you see yourself as a victim of her blowing up at you - and it's no surprise considering you're closer in age to the daughter than you are to the MM.

 

that's why i asked if you had kids, because if you did you would show more empathy towards her.

if you could, try to imagine yourself in her shoes.

 

you say you want to end up in an exclusive relationship with MM. if that eventuates you will be a part of this young woman's life... and the way you're handling this isn't good at all.

Edited June 17, 2013 by Lillyfree

[waterwoman]

Poor kid. I don't blame her. Try putting yourself in her shoes:(

[mariah33]

I would like to be clear that while the motovation for me not being mean back to her was not right, I DID NOT say anything back to her. And I know if I did say something, I would regret it.

 

Also, I came here originally for advice on what to do, if you look at my original question, whether to tell my MM, what to tell him, and so on but as the thread got carried away and questions were asked, I answered. I know I am not the victim. Was his surprised this happened is all.

 

Thanks for the help, though, I guess.

[Lillyfree]

I would like to be clear that while the motovation for me not being mean back to her was not right, I DID NOT say anything back to her. And I know if I did say something, I would regret it.

 

Also, I came here originally for advice on what to do, if you look at my original question, whether to tell my MM, what to tell him, and so on but as the thread got carried away and questions were asked, I answered. I know I am not the victim. Was his surprised this happened is all.

 

Thanks for the help, though, I guess.

 

threads do get carried away at times.

don't feel that you're being attacked - just understand that kids always come first. ALWAYS. if MM has a decent bone in his body, his daughter will also come first here. that's another thing that you'll need to be prepared for.

 

a lot of the time people will seem harsh, but most mean well. this is about to blow up and you don't come across as you fully understanding of the gravity of your situation.

 

and you don't seem to realise what she's going through at the moment. she might have known for a while. she might have been preparing that confrontation, together with the unsavoury words she called you.

 

this is quite personal, but i will share it with you.

when i found out i prepared a pill box (took me a day and a lot of reading as to which medicine has bad side-effects when taken with others) full of goodies from my grandparents' medicine cabinet. i carried it around for a few weeks - i didn't want to do anything stupid, but it was my 'safety thing'. seems silly i know, but i was 15.

 

i ended up in hospital with anxiety attacks, where they had to give me injections because i was suffocating. i would end up stiffening up so much that i couldn't move.

 

i was prescribed sleeping pills, as i would get an hour or two per night, if i was lucky. and i was diagnosed with depression.

 

THIS is what my father's A did to me.

i have touched on this before, but i never recovered from it. i never had a good relationship with him. i haven't seen him for about 7 months now or spoken a word to him.

 

i hope MM handles this better than my father did. considering his daughter's reaction, he will have to make a choice between his family and you.

 

please don't stop posting. this is a great community and people do invest their time and effort to help those who need to be helped. it's just sometimes help doesn't come packaged up with a pretty bow.

[Trimmer]

threads do get carried away at times.

don't feel that you're being attacked - just understand that kids always come first. ALWAYS.

I like all of your post - especially this part.

 

Also, I came here originally for advice on what to do, if you look at my original question, whether to tell my MM, what to tell him, and so on but as the thread got carried away and questions were asked, I answered. I know I am not the victim. Was his surprised this happened is all.

Just to clarify your language: were you surprised that it happened as in: you weren't expecting it at that moment and it startled you? Or surprised as in: you can't imagine a daughter of an unfaithful father reacting in this fashion?

 

If it's the former, I can understand - you never expect to be confronted and it was probably startling.

 

If it's the latter though, I can't understand how you can't understand... OW's sometimes paint the BS (with the help of the OM, of course) as cold, uncaring, a "bad wife", "if she really cared, she'd know what was going on", or "she probably knows what's going on in her heart, but doesn't care enough, or is too weak, to do anything about it", "I didn't take a vow to her, so I don't owe her anything..." - any number of rationalizations to make her the bad guy and the OM an OK guy, and to make the whole nonsensical thing make some kind of sense.

 

But in this case, we're talking about the Betrayed Daughter - the BD, if you will. Unlike a lot of OW, you've been confronted face-to-face with the collateral damage, and there's really no room to dump on her, is there? The OM isn't going to give you cover by trashing her like he typically would his "uncaring, cold spouse." And only a person with a very cold heart would seek out or find any solace in ways to tear her down, as sometimes happens with a BS. The Betrayed Daughter is not a perfect human being, but her victimization is truly that of an innocent. Unlike the BS, there's no rationalization you can whip up that makes this her responsibilty or fault. She doesn't deserve to have it on her shoulders, but there it is: she's carrying that weight right in front of you.

 

You have had an unfortunate experience that most OW are able to avoid: you had to come face to face with a real, undeserving victim of the affair, whose pain and damage you can't rationalize away, other than to say "I'm surpriesed she reacted in that way..." C'mon, really?

 

Anyway, it's fair to expect responses to your direct questions: What should you do?

 

Like others here, I'm also of the opinion that you should tell your MM what happened, in complete and honest terms; I think this way because - like it or not - you are now a part of this girl's life, and that life is currently going down the tubes. You owe it to her to let her dad know what you know about what is going on with her. It's up to him what he does with that information - like Lillyfree, I pray that he will rise to the occasion and prioritize doing what is needed to help his daughter through this.

 

I would also encourage you, in an ideal world, to stay out of further activity in their lives, and that's for your sake as much as theirs. Chances are, you most likely have a path of frustration and pain ahead. As you move forward into the abyss, you can find others here who can relate their personal experiences with MM who loved them, who wanted to be with them, who were going to leave their wives "any day now", once they "get all their ducks in a row", or whatever, month after month, year after year.

 

That 14-year-old has a while before he's through high-school and out of the house.... And maybe your MM will decide it will be best to wait until he's done with college, etc. etc.... Need those ducks in a row. A perfect row. An unattainably perfect row of ducks. Some day.

 

I'm not sure I expect that advice to have any impact, though. Your situation is going to be different, isn't it, not like all those other stories? OK, so I'll water it down to something that may be within reach: you've already seen (and been bewildered by...) the daughter's reaction. I plead with you: please try to empathize, please try to connect - in some way - with the experience she must be going through. And not just from the perspective of "how will the daughter's reaction affect the affair", but please turn it around, and consider: "how will the affair affect the daughter, who you have now looked in the eye?" You may already be cold to his wife, but please try to consider the human and family dimensions outside of just the isolated affair of you and your MM.

 

This affair is now a part of the whole family. It was always going to be at some point -it's just that now that you've looked her in the eye, you can't ignore that fact any more.

Edited June 17, 2013 by Trimmer

[xxoo]

Tell him. Tell him everything. Be compassionate when you tell him. Muster up some concern for his daughter.

 

If you'd witnessed a friend's 16 year old confronting an affair partner in the park, wouldn't you tell your friend?

 

Be the adult. Tell him what he needs to know in order to be the father he considers himself to be.

[Morgoth]

I am speaking as a MM with other women. If one of my kids confronted one my OW I would want to know. My concern would be with my child. Messy, your MM must not be very good at managing his business if his 16 year old daughter knows about you. Does he have serious money or earning potential? If so, you are in trouble since he will protect his ASSets first. The whole thing is putting your realtionship with him at risk.

[macy]

I'm going to venture to say, because I have a 15 year old daughter myself... If this poor girl knows, then her brother knows, and very possible this man's wife.

 

I feel for this child. Not her fault. Anger is hurt. Poor kids! Selfish man!

[underwater2010]

I am sooooo glad to have found this site.

 

I was walking my dog at a park and saw my MM's 16 year old daughter (We live in the same area). I didn't know she knew me, but as I was walking by, she stopped me and asked me my name. Yes, I told her and she then told me she knew who I was and what I was doing with her dad and proceeded to call me a wh***, another choice word and flipped me off. She said some other nasty things, told me to stay away from him and walked off. I don't know what to do. Do I tell her father? This happened yesterday and I've been crying on and off and just dont know what to do. Im just in shock that she did that to me.

What did you expect? You were having an affair with her father. I am just amazed that APs take offense when called out for their behavior.

 

In your case, I would tell your MM. Maybe it would open his eyes that he is affecting everyone around him, not just his wife.

[macy]

I am speaking as a MM with other women. If one of my kids confronted one my OW I would want to know. My concern would be with my child. Messy, your MM must not be very good at managing his business if his 16 year old daughter knows about you. Does he have serious money or earning potential? If so, you are in trouble since he will protect his ASSets first. The whole thing is putting your realtionship with him at risk.

 

I'd say a young impressionable daughter, and equally impressionable son, and a wife... A family... Is a pretty big asset. But, I get your point. Good old $$. Yep, you lose that too when a divorce happens. But family...You can't earn that back.

[underwater2010]

Well I'm in shock because I didn't expect her to even know who I was, and secondly to treat me like that, I didn't deserve it. I havent told him because I didn't want to ruin his Father's day, and I don't want him to be upset that I even talked to her. I know his wife won't act like that, she's a dormat. I love my MM, so I can't just stop talking to him. He is my man, and I care deeply and love him very much. I know I'm gonna have to tell him soon.

His wife is a doormat....wow. Why do you figure that? If she doesn't know that you have no clue what she is capable of. Get ready for all heck to break lose.

 

And she had every right to react they way she did. She is a teenager and you are messing with her family life. At her age I would have done the same.

 

And guess what...I probably would have be called a "doormat" too. I told MOW's BH and still have all communications in case they every decide to talk again. And have plenty of ways to use it. DO NOT under estimate a BW/BH when you screw with their family.

[will1988]

God, I love and hate reading these forums... you see all sorts of people trying to justify cheating and all the drama that comes with it. Takes all sorts I suppose!

 

You are fornicating her father! You are 50% to blame for the future of that family being torn apart! You are 50% to blame for ruining their family. I believe the daughter was fully justified in her actions and what she called you... as they say, if the shoe fits one must wear it! She was reacting to seeing a person she hates with every fiber of her being. Rightfully so. Good luck trying to win her affection over... maybe in a decade.

 

Do what is right and leave the MM and his family alone.

[waterwoman]

I can't quite shake the thought of this girl from my head. My eldest is the same age and, rightly or wrongly. he loves me to bits. If he found out about H's affair I can only imagine his reaction. He'd be torn apart, hurt, outraged. I feel for her, I really do.

 

Please let us know the outcome.

[skywriter]

I am sooooo glad to have found this site.

 

I was walking my dog at a park and saw my MM's 16 year old daughter (We live in the same area). I didn't know she knew me, but as I was walking by, she stopped me and asked me my name. Yes, I told her and she then told me she knew who I was and what I was doing with her dad and proceeded to call me a wh***, another choice word and flipped me off. She said some other nasty things, told me to stay away from him and walked off. I don't know what to do. Do I tell her father? This happened yesterday and I've been crying on and off and just dont know what to do. Im just in shock that she did that to me.

 

 

I find it odd that the daughter goes to a park and approaches someone she doesn't know, calls you a whore and flips you off. Absolutely tell her father.

 

It would have made much more sense for the child to have approached her father to find out about her suspicions of him being involved with you.

[underwater2010]

I find it odd that the daughter goes to a park and approaches someone she doesn't know, calls you a whore and flips you off. Absolutely tell her father.

 

It would have made much more sense for the child to have approached her father to find out about her suspicions of him being involved with you.

Why would you find it odd? Confront her father....why so he can deny it and build a story before the wife finds out? She absolutely acted as I expect a teenager to. She went to the other source of the issue and confronted.

 

She called a spade a spade and now everyone is offended. Get over it.

 

The only reason the OP is upset is because she got called out. Just wait till the wife finds out. It will be even more devastating.

[Snowflower]

Teenage girls will regularly call other girls in their peer group all sorts of names. This is not unusual and especially more so if they feel a girl has moved in on their boyfriend or guy they're interested in.

 

So it is really no surprise that a girl who finds out another woman has "stolen" her father will call this woman by the same names she would use in her peer group.

 

Affairs with married people have consequences. That's reality.

[skywriter]

Why would you find it odd? Confront her father....why so he can deny it and build a story before the wife finds out? She absolutely acted as I expect a teenager to. She went to the other source of the issue and confronted.

 

She called a spade a spade and now everyone is offended. Get over it.

 

The only reason the OP is upset is because she got called out. Just wait till the wife finds out. It will be even more devastating.

 

underwater I'm not offended at anything and so I won't be getting over , "it".

 

As for the spade comment, not my place to call names.

 

I said what I meant and it was to the OP. Like I asked who approaches total strangers. That's odd.

 

I don't know the original poster any more than you do, so claiming why she's upset is not my place.

 

Sure the young lady has a right to be upset,but that is ovious. Approaching a stranger in a park before the man who raised you, is odd to me.

 

Who's to say the W does'nt already know something, seeing how the daughter approaches a supposed stranger in the park.

Edited June 17, 2013 by skywriter

[GorillaTheater]

underwater I'm not offended at anything and so I won't be getting over , "it".

 

As for the spade comment, not my place to call names.

 

I said what I meant and it was to the OP. Like I asked who approaches total strangers. That's odd.

 

I don't know the original poster any more than you do, so claiming why she's upset is not my place.

 

Sure the young lady has a right to be upset,but that is ovious. Approaching a stranger in a park before the man who raised you, is odd to me.

 

Who's to say the W doesn.t already know something, seeing how the daughter approaches a supposed stranger in the park.

 

But apparently not a stranger after all. Turns out they had an acquantance or two in common.

[skywriter]

But apparently not a stranger after all. Turns out they had an acquantance or two in common.

 

Thank you Gorilla, this is what I'm getting at.

 

So, if the daughter knows "something", why in the he## would'nt the W ?

Edited June 17, 2013 by skywriter

[ladydesigner]

I would have done the exact same thing as a 16 year old kid. I probably would have said a whole lot more to the OW though. I am a pretty fiesty person and it doesn't take much to get me going . The daughter was well within her right to express herself and like most have stated here the main relationship is the MM and his Wife, until they are D'd then the OW's relationship with MM will always be secondary. It is the pecking order, sorry.

 

mariah33 I am sorry you find yourself in the role of the OW. I also agree with the others to let MM know what happened. If there is a DDay, it would be wise for you to step away and let the smoke clear. You will definitely see how much of a doormat the wife is when DDay hits. I'm sure my WH's MOW thought the same thing of me. What she didn't realize was that my WH was BEGGING me to keep him.

[skywriter]

I would like to be clear that while the motovation for me not being mean back to her was not right, I DID NOT say anything back to her. And I know if I did say something, I would regret it.

 

Also, I came here originally for advice on what to do, if you look at my original question, whether to tell my MM, what to tell him, and so on but as the thread got carried away and questions were asked, I answered. I know I am not the victim. Was his surprised this happened is all.

 

Thanks for the help, though, I guess.

 

Sorry, of course tell the MM and exactly as it happened.

[georgia girl]

I was a 16-year-old in this situation and being very cognizant that this may cut just a little too close for me, I will still attempt to respond in a helpful way.

 

As other posters have said, you are the biggest threat not just to her family, but her whole life. This is about her and her whole family; where she is going to live; whether or not her parents will divorce; will she have to change schools; and how absolutely humiliating it is to have family problems - especially cheat family problems - exposed to everyone you know.

 

I would also hazard a guess that there has already been a DDay, but neither Mom nor Dad know that she knows. Therefore, she's been keeping this inside or has already confronted her dad. She probably hasn't said anything to her mom, because right now she's desperately trying to protect her mother... and in her mind, herself, her brother and her dad, too.

 

You represent it all: a threat to her past, present and future. Yes, I can guarantee she's probably very angry at her father, too. But she's also desperate for him to come back to the fold - a sort of prodigal son type of thing. She can forgive him if he makes good for the family.

 

She's scared to death. I disagree with the one person who made the comment to the effect of that she may not be a nice girl and watch out for the mother. She could be an absolute sweetie. But, she's in the fight of her life here and she is desperate.

 

Knowing this and understanding that her heart is absolutely shattered - not broken, shattered - I would ask that you do what my dad's OW never did: show her compassion. I'm not trying to beat her up, but you made a decision to get into a relationship with a married man, knowing full well it could irreparably harm his marriage and his family. This was no "victim-less" act you engaged in. Please don't expect her to be nice to you or to ever like you. I know I couldn't have. To this day - and I'm an old lady and my parents are reconciled - I genuinely hate my dad's OW. (My own mother tells me that we "can't hate, but we can dislike. I disagree, I hate her.)

 

As for what you should do with her dad, I agree that you need to tell him. It's up to you if you choose to do so in an unvarnished, truthful manner. The fact is, that is his child. She's a minor and he has a lawful responsibility to her. It will absolutely disgust her to talk about her father's sex life (I know, I did it) and it should humiliate him. I would also take it one step further. Her mom should also be told. She, too, has an inalienable right to her daughter. The fact that she is in so much pain and perhaps a bit isolated is devastating to me.

 

As I said, this cuts pretty close for me, so I'm sorry if I didn't empathize with your position. To be honest, this is one of those few black-and-white areas where I not only won't empathize, I can't. I was that girl. I lived through that. Even today, I think I could live through similar with my husband - though I genuinely believe and hope that I will never have to - and it would not hurt me as much.

[Star Gazer]

Im just in shock that she did that to me.

 

She's probably in shock about what you're doing to her family.

[Citizen Erased]

She's probably in shock about what you're doing to her family.

 

No kidding.

 

Didn't deserve it? Did you expect her to be happy you're screwing her father? Jump up and down, hug you and invite you to do some shopping?

 

Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, the 16 year old is at fault and not the person sleeping with a married man.