Dealing With It- What can I do to help myself get over and past the Affair?

[Owl]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

 

 

There ISN'T a way Owl-it is just something that will (hopefully) happen in time, and with her working hard to rebuild your trust.

 

I would say go out and have your own fling, but I do things differently anyways.

 

 

Hehehe, thanks for the suggestion Spock. Gotta say that it's just not my style tho... LOL!!

[latesleeper]

Hi Owl and only1life,

 

I only read your thread (Owl's) today, but am impressed by what both of you are doing to improve your marriages. I am in a little spot now, although nothing has gone as far as it had with your spouses. However, I seem to be reacting as if my spouse has, and I know it's very unfair to him. It might be a mare's nest after all, but I decided I should deal with my concerns and worries, because after all, I'm not insane or psychotic and am relatively intelligent and intuitive, and I don't want to resent or doubt my husband and want to continue loving him with my whole heart and mind.

 

I would like to message both or either of you privately for some help and advice. I would like to hear from a male perspective. My spouse is doing all he can but I'm hoping to be more understanding and less demanding and want to gather more info. I don't want to hurt my spouse needlessly. Hope you can help. Please let me know.

 

Much thanks, and best wishes to both of you.

[Owl]

Latesleeper-

 

I'm not able to PM you yet, as you're not a "registered" member. Honestly, I'd suggest that you start your own thread here, and let everyone have the opportunity to provide some input to you. There are a lot of very wise people here who can provide some great insight on things, so I think you'd be a lot better served by letting them help you as well.

 

If you'd rather not, then feel free to send me a PM when you have access to it, and I'll be glad to help out where I can.

 

Good luck!

[sylviaguardian]

Owl,

 

As you know I am probably not one to give you much advice at the moment but I have been thinking a lot about the same things as you. I have been thinking that maybe I need to rely less on my H to be my rock, and be more of a rock to myself if you know what I mean. Not sure how to do this though ...LOL. Any suggestions would be welcome.

 

Secondly, it might sound mad but I have stopped checking e-mails, phones etc. It was wrecking my life. I said to my H that I can't stop him doing any of those things. If he continues, it will be his choice and now he knows what the consequence of that choice will be.

 

Thirdly, I think you have to start getting tough and manage your emotions. Stop those negative moments when they start and think about something great that you did or which happened to YOU.

 

One thing that was said on StillHurting's post struck home. Remember that you marry people because you love them. YOu have affairs with people because you want a 'buzz' and an ego-boost. Not the same thing.

 

Abig hug friend,

Syl

[Owl]

Sylvia-

 

Hehehe, I actually hadn't posted anything on this thread since before Christmas. It just came back up when Latesleeper responded to it looking for some advice. But, since you've posted on here too...LOL.

 

I've got to say now that I understand a bit better why they say it usually takes two years to recover from an affair if all goes well. It seems that in the first year, you really start to get your feet back under yourself somewhere around the 8-9th month...things start to feel like they should again. And then, BANG!!! You're right back up on the "anniversaries" of everything.

 

It was this time last year that the wife's friendship with OM began it's change into what it became. In Feb last year she became sick as a dog with strep-throat. It hit her twice in succession (she re-caught it back from the kids), and it hit her HARD. She had a lot of trouble eating, it was pretty resistant to the antibiotics that the Dr prescribed. And there wasn't much I could do to help her. So...she began turning to her one "friend" who could be online with her everyday while I was at work. Fast-forward to this year....she's got one doozy of a cold. I've had it twice so far...been going around the kids and around school. Again...she's "sick as a dog". Now, I KNOW that there isn't anything going on now...but I really DIDN'T need the kick in the gut that this is putting me through now. We've talked about it...and she's thanked me repeatedly for "being here for her" while she's trying to get better. She says she doesn't feel like she did last year, where she felt like the rest of the family didn't care and wasn't doing anything to help her. And thanks to our counseling session last Friday, she can understand why I'm feeling the "anniversary blues" now. She hates that I'm feeling this way sometimes...because she knows that she caused this to happen.

 

And I'm not feeling down all the time. I know that everything is right now...it's just a matter of focusing on now instead of then. I'm not doing nearly as bad as I had for a long time after the affair came out. I'm now just not looking forward to the next couple of months. There are some school events that we had attended last year that I KNOW she called him during...and attending them this year will be VERY bittersweet...because this year MY kids are getting the recognition, and because we'll still be going together...but the memories of what she did that nite are going to be riding my shoulder the whole way.

 

Again, you're seeing the down-side. There's a lot of good going on too. Thanks for taking the time to post, Slyvia, and don't ever feel like your advice isn't as good as anyone else's on this board!

[whichwayisup]

Hey Owl...

 

I hope you're really proud of yourself and how hard you have worked to get to where things are. I can sit and look objectively at it all, and I have to say, through your good and bad times you've always had an underlying pillar of strength, a positive FEEL to how you write. I know it takes two to fix a marriage but because you did so much of the accepting, forgiving and dealing with the rollercoaster - Most of this was on your shoulders.

 

Anyway, I am glad to see that things are continuosly (sp?!) moving along better for you and your wife.

 

Don't ever allow those memories of what happened in the past spoil anything now. I know you know that, but sometimes during the low times it's really easy to embrace the negativity of the mind and allow s*** to creep in there. I say this because of my situation in life right now (anxiety disorder! Yuk!) and how I have learned how important the 'positive' thinking is and how much control we actually DO have over it all. The mind is a really unique thing!

[sylviaguardian]

Owl,

 

Just a tip - don't know if it would help or not. I read Shirley Glass's NOt Just Friends and I really rated it. It suggested in that book that you should both find ways of turning the 'bad' things into good things. So, you tell your wife in advance that you know you are going to have mixed feelings and that she can help you. So do something like hold hands during it or book a family meal for after. That way you turn a bad memory into a good one. Don't know if this will help or not, but just a suggestion.

 

Take care friend,

 

Syl

 

P.s. sorry for being such a dope - doh!

[Owl]

LOL, you're not a dope Syl! And I'd already planned on something along those lines for the specific times that I'm thinking of. Mother's day, ROTC graduation, etc... I WON'T be taking her back to The Cheesecake Factory this year for Mother's Day (it's been a tradition, but last year she sat there the whole time like the rest of us weren't there...I read in her chats with him the next day she was wondering what his favorite cheesecake was! grrrr!).

 

I plan on doing the best I can to turn these events into something positive...but the anticipation of actually REACHING those events isn't much fun at this point. I just want the next few months to get over with so that these times will be past, and I can get past it.

 

It will work out...and things have been pretty good between us for the last few months. She's done a LOT to help out where she can. Our Valentine's Day was interesting...I took off that Friday and Monday. We spent the whole time together, and it was awesome! Very loving, affectionate, showing each other how much we loved and appreciated each other...right up to V day...when both of us were sick big time with that cold!!! LOL

[latesleeper]

Hi Owl,

 

I don't know why I'm not a registered member yet. I followed the urls and etc. Clicked all the links they said to click and filled out all the blanks. Where can I find out what I'm not doing (or doing)? Anyway, thanks for your suggestion. I find the support here incredible. But I'd prefer to keep low for now and just PM to a few. I don't want to get too confused! (Is it even possible? ;p)

 

Thanks, hope I can PM soon.

 

Good luck to everyone!

 

Originally posted by Owl

Latesleeper-

 

I'm not able to PM you yet, as you're not a "registered" member. Honestly, I'd suggest that you start your own thread here, and let everyone have the opportunity to provide some input to you. There are a lot of very wise people here who can provide some great insight on things, so I think you'd be a lot better served by letting them help you as well.

 

If you'd rather not, then feel free to send me a PM when you have access to it, and I'll be glad to help out where I can.

 

Good luck!

[latesleeper]

Hi people, Owl,

I went back to the activation email and did some extra activation thing. Previously I did a shortcut all on my own, I think, so I could post but can't PM, became like some kind of limbo member. Dunno? Anyways, please try to PM me.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by Owl

 

 

It will work out...and things have been pretty good between us for the last few months. She's done a LOT to help out where she can. Our Valentine's Day was interesting...I took off that Friday and Monday. We spent the whole time together, and it was awesome! Very loving, affectionate, showing each other how much we loved and appreciated each other...right up to V day...when both of us were sick big time with that cold!!! LOL

 

Owl, maybe you could concentrate on the fact that your relationship is perhaps better now than it was before the A and somehow 'look forward' to these dates as a new couple in a way?

 

Anyway, we are all rooting for ya!

 

If you want a blast beforehand - you know where to come!

 

Syl

[moo]

owl,

i didnt read everything because there was such alot of it, so forgive me if i repeat advice or give crap advice.

now i have never been in your situation, but i have been in situations where a complete breakdown of trust has occurred such as you have experienced. and also i have been soooo depressed i have turned slightly manic. it sounds like this is what happened to your wife, maybe. when you have a complete breakdown there are some things you dont even remember its like everything shuts down, all your real feelings everything.

the best advice i would ever give anybody ever is forget about the other people (in this case wife) involved, because what you dont want to do is feed any situation so that the whole situation becomes the situation you want to move on from. with me?

your wife felt that she wasnt getting attention from you anymore right, now she is getting attention from you of course but is it the attention she wants or is it the attention from the situation that has occured. i am not suggesting that you take responsibility for this at all, i want to make that clear, what i am saying is are you the person that you want to be? are you the person that married your wife or even the person of 5 years ago?

what you have to do is save yourself, a drowning man cant save a drowning wife. you cannot force anybody else to change remember all you can dois make yourself the best that you can be in the situation. all you can do is get yourself back to who you are. do tai chi or meditation ALOT, read such books as "the power of now", or even the desert crossing bit of the alchemist, have some reiki treatments, do anything you can to get yourself back to your source.

then all you will find is you just look at your wife and you just feel love pure and simple, there will be no fear, no mistrust, no sadness, no sense of loss.

[Owl]

Owl Update-

 

Today is the 10 month anniversary of d-day for me. Just flat out started the day out bummed. Lots of memories, etc... It was this time last year that things started to get serious between the wife and her OM. My wife knows that this is on my mind, but we've not talked about it much because I'm not sure what she or I can say or do at this point to get me out of the funk.

 

I'm not mad at her, not mad at all. Just down. Wishing we hadn't gone through this, wishing I could get the whole thing out of my mind at this point.

 

We're also scheduled for MC today, so that should be a fun session too.

 

Hopefully we'll have a fun weekend. I've got a date planned with her tomorrow to go do something that I know she'll love that she's got no idea I've got setup...she just knows that we're going to do lunch and "something" together.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry you're feeling down today.

 

Hopefully we'll have a fun weekend. I've got a date planned with her tomorrow to go do something that I know she'll love that she's got no idea I've got setup...she just knows that we're going to do lunch and "something" together.

 

That is great! That will wipe out the yuk feelings you're having today. Just think about how exciting tomorrow night will be!

[Owl]

Interesting....

 

 

Well, something interesting happened this morning, that has just left me feeling out of sorts again. Again, my wife's affair was an online emotional one with someone who was 'friends' with both of us in an online game called Everquest. He's not been logged into EQ on the characters that we knew since shortly after the affair ended, about 10 months ago. There has been no further contact of any kind between him and my wife since the end of June, when they finally ended all email contact. My wife and I are doing better than ever...things are really going well between us.

 

Well, this morning before work I checked on a char I always keep logged in game to sell stuff, and found out that the OM was online in game at that time. It totally caught me off-gaurd...he hasn't been on at ALL since her and I had resumed playing. I let my wife know that he was on, and she was shocked. She's debated on logging on today or not, because she's a little worried that he might try to send her a message, even though we've done a lot to make it much harder for him to contact her now. She happily agreed to call me if she did log in and he tried to contact her. She's absolutely reassured me that she does NOT want to talk to him at all...for any reason. She's happy with how things are now, and would hate to have something set that back.

 

I'm just feeling really odd now...not sure how to deal with this, since it's something that didn't seem like was going to be an issue anymore. I'd thought (hoped?) that maybe he'd left the game for good. Guess I was just lucky that we hadn't had any issues to deal with like that up to this point.

 

Just thought I'd use my thread to vent about how I felt on the whole thing.

[whichwayisup]

I can understand why this is now playing in your head.

 

I am sure your wife is not going to log on knowing he is there and take a chance that he could IM her or contact her. If he does see her, I'm sure he won't have the nerve as he will know trouble will soon follow. Why would he after so many months of NC.

 

Just trying to reassure you Dear Owl. Please try not to allow those thoughts go there and get negative...It could just spiral out and you're gonna make your own rollercoaster eh.

 

Call her later in the day to ease your mind, but not to check up on her, just call to say I love you...

[sysyphus]

Hi Owl,

 

Thought I'd return the favor and pitch in on your thread. I can picture exactly how your feeling now (as you know). I suppose he figured enough time may have passed and could log back in. Seems like this may well be an inescapable problem. You can't control his presence and yet it sure isn't fair to you guys to have to go around avoiding him or starting new characters. Still, the anxiety you must be feeling must suck just knowing he's out there. In RL affairs I know the advice is to move out of state if necessary to sever contact -what do you do here?

 

It seems like you and your wife are at a good point to handle this, but I know in my situation, at this point, I would be worried sick. The trust takes a long time to come back even if you think you have a handle on it. A real test. I guess you can either face it or turn tail. Wouldn't blame you either way.

 

In my case, my wife is the one who isn't playing -she's playing with me on EQ2 (thankfully, the OM can't stand EQ2 and so won't be following us around AFAIK). She does really miss playing with her friends on EQ1 though and it's been hard on her to give it up. I do fear the day she decides it's either safe or just can't not play anymore and goes back. I'm kind of hoping it never goes there. Her guild has broken up for the most part and her server is being merged. I'm sort of hoping that she'll get invested enough in EQ2 to stick with it instead.

 

Let me invite you over to EQ2 if you have the inclination (and the memory and video card to do it)! Much prettier and none of the riff raff are over there Kind of a witness relocation program for us!

 

Hang in there

 

Sysyphus

[Owl]

Hehehe, I beta tested EQII...and hated it. Pretty eye candy, but it watered down the gameplay so much for me that I just didn't enjoy it.

 

We'll be able to handle this...I'm hoping he's just logged on to prep his account for the server consolidation...and if I'm really lucky, he's going to put in to move to another server as part of the process! LOL Its also possible that he's sold his account, or given it to one of his friends too...right now, there's no way for me to know.

 

I'm not really worried about my wife contacting him...she's been honest with me on stuff for quite a while, and her only feeling at this point is that it brings up memories and things that she'd really have left in past...she feels very rotten over what happened, and was just as glad to let it be in the past. She doesn't even feel the need to contact him to see if he's doing ok anymore...she's over it.

 

If it looks like he's permenantly returned to playing on this server, and we see him on repeatedly, then we'll have to talk about how WE wanna handle that together. I just hated the feelings it generated when I first saw him online...and how it's left me feeling the rest of the day. But its something we're going to have to deal with.

[Owl]

Update in my case...looks like the OM has returned to EQ...not only was he logged in yesterday morning, but logged on various of his toons last nite, and was on his main again this morning. Wondering if maybe he got fired or something so that now he's got nothing else to do but play. My wife and I talked about this a little more...we're both going to put all of his toons on /ignore, and just drive on. I've finally got myself to stop and realize that just because I see him logged into EQ, nothing has changed. My wife is still happy where she is now (with ME! ). If either of them were going to resume contact, that would have nothing to do with whether or not he's logged into EQ...they could have called or IM'ed or something long before this. The only change is that I see his name on the screen in game...so if we both take steps to not see that name, all should be fine.

 

Again, sucks to see that he's there...I guess I was hoping he'd gotten run over by a beer truck or something. But, this WILL work out.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Owl

 

Again, sucks to see that he's there...I guess I was hoping he'd gotten run over by a beer truck or something.

 

I know how ya feel about that.

 

You know, sometimes once your spouse is out of the fog, not only can they REALLY not understand why they acted that way....sometimes they can't see what it was that was EVER so special about the OM/OW.

 

My husband actively despises that woman now. Once she was unmasked in his eyes...he did NOT like what he saw.

 

Maybe it's the depression factor, and once it's under control....the rose-colored glasses come off. Then they can see for themselves what's real, and what isn't.

[latesleeper]

Hey Owl,

 

It's great to see how you and your wife are handling this! It's heartening to know you have been so successful at rebuilding your relationship. The suck-y feelings are hard though, huh. 10 months is still too soon for such pain to go away totally, but it sounds like you have it under control.

I'm real glad for you!

[ecco]

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by ecco

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

 

 

Dude...thats great....thats a great way of looking at it...it is what I am learning too...

 

WE are responsible for how we feel...not other people, or things....its inside....we etiher choose to be happy or unhappy...

[Owl]

Good thoughts guys....

 

That's been one of the things that has bothered me with this whole thing. I'm absolutely used to being able to manage my emotions and attitudes...and having difficulty doing that now is something new to me.

 

I am going to give this some more serious consideration tho... I know it applies...I just gotta apply it. LOL

[Owl]

Alright...so I've got a quick question for anyone who might remember me...or anyone with an opinion at least...LOL.

 

You can take a look at the first page for a complete story...basically wife had an online emotional affair about a year and a half ago...was all bent on leaving me and our four kids to go live with OM whom she'd never met in person. She ended up not going at the OM's request...went through the normal withdrawl at the end of the affair, fights over continuing contact, etc... She made her choice to reconcile our marriage about 6 weeks after d-day, and we've been in recovery ever since. Things have been pretty good, with the only downside of it being me dealing with my own issues as a result of her EA.

 

So here is the question...my ex-boss who knows the whole story was talking with me today...and asked me how things were going. Related a little information about his life, and then asked me a question that has caused me to stop and think... he asked me "Has she ever done anything at all in the past that made you suspicious?".

 

At first, my response was no. But after I sat and thought about it, I remembered a time shortly after we were married. I was sent to Germany, and it took me several months to get the orders cut to allow her to join me there. She was back home with all four of our babies (they were about six months and two years old at the time...we've got two sets of twins). And I came home on leave without telling her I was coming. She was VERY glad to see me. BUT...a few days after I was home she INSISTED on going over to help some friends move...friends she'd made while I was away. I told her I would go with her...she kept fighting to keep me from going, but I went anyway. There was a single guy there who kept glaring daggers at me...and finally I sat down with my wife that night and asked about it. She told me that he was a mutual friend of the couple she'd met...and admitted to having spent some time with him, and had 'fallen asleep' at his house while her and the kids were watching TV with him and didn't get home one night until early in the morning...all while I had been overseas. She swore up and down that nothing had happened, and hadn't wanted to tell me about it since she knew I'd be upset. And I believed her at the time...she'd had all four babies with her, and I couldn't believe that she would have cheated on me.

 

The conversation today made me think of this whole episode...now 17 years in our past. And after seeing all that I have, I'm not nearly foolish enough now to just wholeheartedly believe the 'nothing happened' story.

 

The question is this...should I ask her about this? I KNOW that the answer, no matter what it is, won't be the end of our marriage. It's 17 years in the past. BUT...it's on my mind now, and it's bothering me. I also know that no matter what her answer to my asking if anything happened would be, she's going to be angry and hurt that I brought it up at all. She's going to go right back into defense mode. And since she's possibly hidden this from me for 17 years, would she tell me the truth now?

 

What thoughts do you have on this?