Dealing With It- What can I do to help myself get over and past the Affair?

[Bryanp]

If you do not have truth and honesty in a relationship then really what do you have? I say ask her and see if she will be honest with you.

[JS17]

I'm severely underqualified to answer or help so this might be a dumb question....but why do you want to confront her about this situation from 17 years ago? What are you expecting to accomplish? If she says yes she had an affair then you have another affair to cope with. If she says no she did not have an affair then you still won't have an answer because you'll still be wondering if she told you the truth. Is it better to just look towards the future and rebuilding a life together? You're going to have to learn how to trust her again (with or without knowing what happened 17 years ago) if your marriage is to work again. Like I said, I really don't know what I'm talking about and I have no experience in the arena. These are just my questions and I could be really wrong.

[Jayman]

I think your right she was more than likely lied to you about the thing that happen 17 years ago . Kids fall asleep and trust me lot's of thing's can happen with kids sleeping . My current girlfried has kid's and we waite for that time when kids are out . But I would let it go it is water under the bridge . Second for the more recent thing I would not let her talk to the OM "NO WAY IN HELL " my x she did the same thing and it just keep's the fire burning . The saddest fact about my x is she's still thinks that the 17 year old kid want's her in some way . He's got a girlfriend that's his age and has been with her a year .

[Tristram]

I agree with BryanP. What you described is very suspicious. A married woman that cares and respects her husband would not do what she described. Of course you know the whole, "I was lonely and wanted attention routine." Of course getting the truth (if she did lie about it) after 17 years and knowing what could happen will be like getting water from a 100 year old dry well. Good luck with things.

[whichwayisup]

Owl, that is very serious and you really need to get many thoughts on this before you do talk to her...If you choose to talk to her. That will open the doors from the past. Ofcourse you deserve to know the truth, but what if the truth isn't what you orginally thought? That could do serious damage to where you both are now in the marriage. I could be wrong here, but I have to speak from my heart...It might be best to keep that in the past. Though at the same time, it's on your mind now and you need answers.

 

I'm not going to sit and say "yes it happened" or "no it didn't happen" as I don't know the answer to that, only your wife and that guy knows. It is amazing that you had that flashback and probably saw it from a different angle now. Be careful Wise Old Owl...Whatever you decide to do, we're here to support you.

[latesleeper]

Hey Owl,

 

My husband and I have been going through some issues and one of the big ones is about honesty. I'm asking him about things that happened years ago, because he never told me about them, and I want to know, bad or good. I had been left to assume and things had happened this past year that made me think my assumptions could be wrong. So I'm asking him, sort of rebuilding the currently unstable parts in the structure of our relationship. And to me the things that I believed about him and our relationship in the past are part of this structure. If I don't take care of it, it would be the unstable parts in our relationship. So to me I have to stabilise it or rebuild it by honesty, by what really happened.

 

The thing is not so much about what happened (well, ok, it is), but the more important thing, to me, is about honesty. Will he talk to me honestly about things that might be difficult? That's why I want to know. If he can't tell me honestly about something that happened years ago, then I think we have an issue, something in our relationship that I would like to fix. I want my signifcant other to be able to tell me things, good or bad, honestly and I would want to do that with him as well.

 

I don't know if this helps, but it sounds like you are someone who has to know the truth, that the act of being told the truth is as important as, or more important than the incident itself.

 

I tried to let stuff go, but they rankle, and these sorts of niggly things are poisonous.

 

That's my opinion and I hope it helps you with your decision.

 

Good luck, Owl! You have my admiration and support for whatever you decide to do. Do let us know how it goes.

[Owl]

Well, I'll share with ya'll the outcome of whatever I decide. Right now isn't good timing due to some stuff we've got planned for this evening...not there will ever be a good time to bring something like this up.

 

She knows something's on my mind, but can also tell I'm not ready to talk about it yet. Since there is no way she's going to react calmly to this when/if I ask her, I'm obviously not planning on just dropping the bomb on her over dinner with the kids or something.

 

Thanks for the advice and suggestions all.

[veronese]

Hi Owl,

 

My advice? It's not worth bringing up. whatever she says you still won't know if it's the truth. And if something had happened back then chances are she wouldn't admit it knowing it's very unlikely to be prooved. now

 

If it was an innocent encounter I would imagine she'd get weary and jaded having to explain herself for something so inconsequential years later.

 

If you do broach the subject Owl and you get your answers, I bet you'll come up with another doubt from the past down the road that can't be confirmed or denied entirely, and so it will go on.

 

Owl, put the past behind you. Look at things between you both today, tomorrow. Are you happy with her now?

 

I know the trust has gone and will never return as it was before and nor should it. You already know she's capable of cheating. You know she already has, (and I say that in the knowledge that it was an EA). You shouldn't spend each day torrmenting yourself about what she may or may not be doing, but equally your loss of naivety is to your advantage - you'll recognise red flags now that you would never have seen before.

 

Keep it to yourself Owl, I can't see it helping the situation, only hindering.

 

Take care, good luck, and let us know what you decide.

 

Veron x

[only1life]

Owl,

 

Get over it man! Look to the future! Bringing up something like that will have one of two results, neither of which is necessary: if she's guilty, she's still with you now and it was short termed and over, hopefully forgotton by her, don't make both of you guys relive it again. If she's innocent, it'll bring up the whole trust thing, that you have been working so hard to get back where it should be, and it'll force a step backward.

 

Live for today and tomorrow!

[TMCM]

Owl,

 

I disagree with the previous poster's comments and it is because the marriage will not change for the better if she is still hiding secrets from you. I will caution you though that before you ask for the truth be sure that you make it possible for her to open up to you without fear of emotional reprisal from you. If you love her, assure her of this beforehand and vow that you will not throw it to her face. Intimacy [the sharing of one's deepest thoughts and feelings] is NOT for wimps.

 

TMCM

[sylviaguardian]

Hi Owl,

 

I have too have had these flashbacks where I look at things in a more suspicious light. I don't really know what to say. I think if things aren't brought up then they build up inside you, like one poster said. And isn't the whole point that you were being honest with each other now?

 

That said, I can't see your wife coming out with a full confession at this point. And how will you feel if she does? It's a tough call.

 

I would probably ask about it but make it clear that you consider it to be in the past no matter what the answer is. I would think that with 4 kids around, nothing much will have happened anyway!

 

Sylvia

[Trimmer]

Owl -

 

I don't know what I would do. And after that wholly unhelpful comment, the following may or may not even be germane, but let me ask a question: Do you look at your recovery as the continuation of a marriage that was painfully interrupted, or as a fresh start on a new relationship, leaving the old one behind? I realize it may not be all black or white, but what are your thoughts on how you've approached it?

 

(Having little hope of recovery in my own case, I look on with admiration and plan to live vicariously through your experience... )

[Owl]

Well, at this point I've pretty much decided not to ask. I don't see much value in bringing it up...I DO have a concern that something may well have happened, but since I'm not sure what I'd do with the truth if I knew it, there's not a lot of point in bringing up such a sore subject like this.

 

Trimmer-

 

Right after we began reconciling, I felt like it was a new start. Now, I feel more like it was a continuation of a great marriage with an interruption there in the middle. Not sure if that helps much. Sorry to hear about your own situation my friend. It's not easy no matter which way things go...recovery is hard work in it's own right, and sadly it seems to me that the major onus of doing recovery still tends to fall on the BS, instead of the WS.

[sylviaguardian]

Owl,

i think you are pretty much doing the right thing. I am not sure how this would help you. In any case, there are plenty of situations that appear dodgy but aren't. OK, maybe your wife liked this bloke and hung around to see what happened. But maybe nothing did happen.

 

recovery is hard work in it's own right, and sadly it seems to me that the major onus of doing recovery still tends to fall on the BS, instead of the WS.[/QUOTE]

 

Owl, I was going to post on this subject but I lost the post and never got round to it. It doesn't have to be all down to you. Just do what you need to do for yourself. Your wife is responsbile for her behaviour, not you.

 

Sylvia

[Owl]

Well, two year anniversary of d-day today. Two years ago today...at this exact time, I was headed back to my house to find out that OM had bought my wife tickets and she was getting ready to go.

 

Things are going much better now...not perfect, but I don't expect perfection any more.

 

OM has remained out of our life this whole time...we've had a few issues with her not enforcing boundaries, but we've worked through them.

 

Just feeling a little down today remembering what we went through.

 

Hope that all the friends I met here way back when are doing well.

[whichwayisup]

Hugs to you Owl. You've worked your tail off to make things good again in your marriage, getting past alot of hurtful feelings and resentments. And your wife too, has made that same effort. You two should be proud of eachother!

 

I know today sucks, so just let it be a reminder of what you have infront of you now. Your wife and marriage!

 

May I ask? And if you don't feel comfy answering, I understand.

 

What do you mean by not enforcing boundries? You mean with co-workers that are male and how she interacts with them?

 

Dazed and I email on occasion, he's doing well. Think he lurks abit here on LS once in a while but hasn't posted an update in a long time.

[Owl]

WWIU-

 

The boundaries issue came up a few weeks ago. We both do still play online games, but not nearly to the degree that we used to.

 

Well, she had started logging into game and spending pretty much all of her 'in game' time with one specific person...a guy. (We'd agreed as a boundary that she wouldn't have an opposite sex friend as the main person she spent time with) Additionally, he'd started making some mild sexual innuendos and jokes...to which she again didn't enforce a bounary that we'd agreed on. (We'd agreed if someone crossed that line, she would point that out to them immediately and ask them to stop...she didn't, and even replied with some personal info that I felt was not the right thing for a married lady to do).

 

I found out because we had started having issues with the kids on the computers again...and I'd started to feel uncomfortable with the amount of time she was spending with this guy...so I checked the log files for both what the kids were doing and what she was doing.

 

When I commented about the personal info (and tried to make it very non-confrontational)...she blew up.

 

But, she did quit spending time with this guy. And could 'somewhat' see my point of view after a week or so...which tells me she didn't even realize that she was crossing that line again.

 

I do know that if something happens to a point where it truly does reach emotional infidelity again, there will be nore more 'chances'. I'm not willing to fight like this again.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Hey Brother!

 

 

I too am still dealing with bounderies with my wife. Mostly her flirting and her selfishness for her freetime and social life.

 

She is a natural talker and beautiful and sometimes doesnt know she may be over stepping when it comes to interaction with men. She says shes just friendly, i said I understand, but what she doesnt understand is how men take it. I keep telling her that some of her actions put out a "interest" to men. She dont think so, but I am a guy and men take things differently.

 

as for her free time....its always something, always something going on that she wants to do, or go to, etc.....she is NOT a home body like me. and I get frustrated with it. But we are 2 different individuals I guess.

 

I came up with a metaphor for our marriage.

 

She is a kite and I am a rock. Our marriage is the string...we are always connected, but at times she floats a little to high and I have to reel her in. LOL

 

all in all....we are doing OK....I still get into my 'funks' here and there. just cant seem to shake the pain somedays....but every day is a new day.

 

take care!

[whichwayisup]

I hate to say this, and it applies for both of you...Your wives both KNOW what affect the flirting and having conversations that crosses line do. Problem is, they don't feel it's an issue or are worried it will lead into 'something'. Hopefully they'll wise up and see the damage and old hurt it drudges up and stop.

 

I do know that if something happens to a point where it truly does reach emotional infidelity again, there will be nore more 'chances'. I'm not willing to fight like this again.

 

Maybe it's time to stop the online gaming...Take a break. I mean, once in a while is fun, but when it starts to takeover, things are being neglected around the house, and she's yakking too much, socializing instead of actually playing the game, it's time to take a break... I'm just sayin'...

 

Ha, here I sit, addicted to LS, so I really shouldn't talk, eh? hehehe...

[whichwayisup]

as for her free time....its always something, always something going on that she wants to do, or go to, etc.....she is NOT a home body like me. and I get frustrated with it. But we are 2 different individuals I guess.

As long as her free time is in moderation, a good balance so it doesn't get in the way of your time with her, then I see it's okay. Personally, I am a homebody too, so is my husband. Both of us would prefer hanging at a friends house rather than hit a night out and about at a bar. That's just not our scene. Ha, haha! Just picturing my hubby at a nightclub dancin' is making me laugh!

[ThumbingMyWay]

I hate to say this, and it applies for both of you...Your wives both KNOW what affect the flirting and having conversations that crosses line do. Problem is, they don't feel it's an issue or are worried it will lead into 'something'. Hopefully they'll wise up and see the damage and old hurt it drudges up and stop.

 

oh yes she knows what it does to me. But she says its the way she is...which is true and I respect that...she can talk to anyone male or female....its the fine line I am talking about....

 

and that leads me to double standards.

 

For instanst, she can accept a drink from a guy at a bar, her excuse is, "hes the dumming whos buying it...I tell them i am married, but they do it anyway." I tell her dont except it....which she does on occation. But still if she is with a group of women and a guy buys them all a picther of beer, they accept it....again no big deal....

 

Now if I ever bought a woman a drink...she would be livid, she even says so. She says theres no reason for me to do that, what would the purpose be other than putting myself out there. You see the double standard in this.

 

Also a double standard in talking to women. Like I said, she talks to men and women all the time, anywhere. But when i have converstions with women...its always, i saw the way you smiled at her or the way she smiled at me. hahahahaha.

 

its OK for her but not for me.....and when I do the same things she does, I can see a little jealously in her....which is good, casue after talking last ngiht, she can feel my side of when she does it. And she admitted she dont like it when I am flirtatious or when women take notice of me.

 

BUT is ok for her....LOL.

 

sorry to thread jack Owl....

[whichwayisup]

The difference is though, you weren't the one cheating...And that is what it comes down to.

 

I do agree with you about the double standard. I guess too, it comes down to trust, and you know that you aren't going to cheat, she knows you aren't, but women (some) just get jealous as it's that competition between women thing...Ya know??

Also, if a woman finds you attractive and gives you the eye it isn't a big deal, right?? To her, because she cheated on you, it becomes a BIGGER deal. She probably notices women checking YOU out before you actually do. Does that make sense? Probably brings up her feelings of guilt or whatever from the recent past.....

 

Yeah, sorry oh wise one (Owl, you know and how I can't resist saying that to you...) for hijacking yer thread.

[Sup]

oh yes she knows what it does to me. But she says its the way she is...which is true and I respect that...she can talk to anyone male or female....its the fine line I am talking about....

 

and that leads me to double standards.

 

For instanst, she can accept a drink from a guy at a bar, her excuse is, "hes the dumming whos buying it...I tell them i am married, but they do it anyway." I tell her dont except it....which she does on occation. But still if she is with a group of women and a guy buys them all a picther of beer, they accept it....again no big deal....

 

Now if I ever bought a woman a drink...she would be livid, she even says so. She says theres no reason for me to do that, what would the purpose be other than putting myself out there. You see the double standard in this.

 

Also a double standard in talking to women. Like I said, she talks to men and women all the time, anywhere. But when i have converstions with women...its always, i saw the way you smiled at her or the way she smiled at me. hahahahaha.

 

its OK for her but not for me.....and when I do the same things she does, I can see a little jealously in her....which is good, casue after talking last ngiht, she can feel my side of when she does it. And she admitted she dont like it when I am flirtatious or when women take notice of me.

 

BUT is ok for her....LOL.

 

sorry to thread jack Owl....

 

Have you ever brough up the Double Standard part with her? Or is that NOT important to her? Just wondering:cool:

Oh sorry about the Hijacking the thread thing

[ThumbingMyWay]

.

 

She probably notices women checking YOU out before you actually do. Does that make sense?.....

 

Probably brings up her feelings of guilt or whatever from the recent past.....

 

 

yes she does notice it first sometimes....and I think you are right with the guilt part???. Knowing what she did and how it happens...I believe she may have some trust issues with me....but more of a "look what I did to him....geez, I hope he never falls into that trap".

[Ladyjane14]

its OK for her but not for me.....and when I do the same things she does, I can see a little jealously in her....which is good, casue after talking last ngiht, she can feel my side of when she does it. And she admitted she dont like it when I am flirtatious or when women take notice of me.

 

She knows how easy it is to slip off the path now. It's cute that she's jealous over you. It means she cares.

 

But to her mind...the fact that she fell, probably means it can happen to ANYONE. Here you are, with cause to 'even up the score' on top of that. Adds up for insecurity.

 

The fact that she's still behaving in a flirty manner might suggest that she's confident it won't happen again. Hopefully, she won't become overconfidant. Because even though she's learned alot over the past couple of years, I would be hard-pressed to believe she's bulletproof when it comes to flirtation.