Dealing With It- What can I do to help myself get over and past the Affair?

[Owl]

and there will be things that will probably trigger your memory years from now, but hopefully when the triggers hit, the pain is greatly diminished.

 

They are. Remember...this post was started in 2004. That was my point...that things HAVE improved tremendously. Those triggers happen very rarely now, and when they do, it's easy to see how good things are now...and the pain is miniscule compared to what it was...nothing compared to how good things are now.

 

 

there is nothing she can do really. I mean you may get over this in time, but you will NEVER forget. the only thing she can do is be an open book, but nothing she does will erase it from your memory...you just will get to a point where you don't think about it on a daily basis.

 

Dead on the money.

 

 

make no mistake about it, if she found herself alone in a hotel room with this guy, she would have done him.

 

Totally agreed...although at the time she'd argued that it wouldn't have happened...had she gotten on the plane, she would have been "with" him that night.

 

honestly, as far as I'm concerned, the only way to make the memories insignificant is to make a cheating spouse insignificant..in other words...divorce. Which is what I did.

 

But I know that is probably the furthest thing in your mind. So I can tell you that you are going to have to carry on with even some small level of suspicion about her from now on. No more loving blindly. I'm not saying you have to be a prison guard, but she now requires some sort of oversight. No, that doesn't mean be controlling...that means keeping your eyes and ears open and not be played for a fool again.

 

You may be able to recover, but you can't go back to the way things were....she screwed that up.

 

And there's nothing wrong with your choice to end your marriage and make your cheating spouse "insignificant". But that's not the only way...my way worked just as well.

 

You're right about that "blind trust" being gone...but here's the thing...I would never blind trust anyone like I did my wife the first time. It doesn't matter if I'm with her, or if I'd divorced and found someone else...that "blind trust" would never happen again.

 

Frankly...I don't believe that you will ever blind trust ANYONE again either. I don't believe you're going to ever develop the same level of trust and confidance in another person that you had with your wife before the affair either. WHO your with won't be that different...blind trust just won't be part of your makeup again either.

 

And...you're right....things won't ever be the same again. That doesn't mean that they can't be wonderful. You seem to feel that any marriage that continues after infidelity is inherently tainted...but I'm curious...how could you KNOW that? You suspect it...it's how you feel YOURS would be...but that's not a garauntee that this is how EVERYONE's will be. My marriage is as good now (or better, since our communication is so much better) as it was before the affair. Not the same...no. But definitely not 'tainted' or horrible by any means.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Owl,

 

Just wanted to say thank you for all of the time you spend 'round here helping others to understand more about infidelity. IWWH

[Dexter Morgan]

Frankly...I don't believe that you will ever blind trust ANYONE again either. I don't believe you're going to ever develop the same level of trust and confidance in another person that you had with your wife before the affair either. WHO your with won't be that different...blind trust just won't be part of your makeup again either.

 

You are SO right about that my man.

 

 

And...you're right....things won't ever be the same again. That doesn't mean that they can't be wonderful.

 

I believe you when you say that. Who knows, I probably could have gotten to one of those "status quo" times with my xW...maybe...who knows. I'd probably have been content just to have my boys in their home and me tucking them in every night.

And who knows, maybe it could have been wonderful if she never ever cheated again...but there would always be that part of me that looks at her, remembers what she did and thinking, "this can't be my life...I deserve better than this".

 

 

You seem to feel that any marriage that continues after infidelity is inherently tainted...but I'm curious...how could you KNOW that?

 

Yes, i do think its "tainted"....it IS tainted. One person in the marriage is NOW a cheater...maybe in your case since it didn't actually end up happening in the physical sense. How could I know that? By the very fact that those who were betrayed will NEVER forget. Those memories have been tainted which taints the marriage.

 

Here again, being tainted, as with your case, doesn't necessarily COMPLETELY destroy the marriage, but it isn't the same.

 

Kind of on the side....can you tell me....do you feel the need to watch over her? Does she go out with the "girls", and if so, do you not wonder what she is or might be doing?

[LifesontheUp]

Here again, being tainted, as with your case, doesn't necessarily COMPLETELY destroy the marriage, but it isn't the same.

 

I do enjoy your posts Dexter.

 

I can see how some people who are committed to working through all their issues can make it work - just like Owl and his wife have. I agree I don't think it can be the same marriage but that doesn't mean it can't be a better one if both sides work hard on meeting each others needs etc.

 

I also didn't remain in my marriage with a cheater. I didn't want to, I didn't feel that we had anything to rebuild from. The choice was mine. Some relationships I think can be worth rebuilding and I hope that it works out if that is the choice that they make.

[Owl]

Yes, i do think its "tainted"....it IS tainted. One person in the marriage is NOW a cheater...maybe in your case since it didn't actually end up happening in the physical sense. How could I know that? By the very fact that those who were betrayed will NEVER forget. Those memories have been tainted which taints the marriage.

 

Here's the crux of the breakdown. One person WAS a cheater... I would agree with that.

 

But one person is not NOW a cheater in my marriage. If she were "NOW" a cheater...we wouldn't be married.

 

She WAS one...but she learned from her stupidity, and she's not NOW a cheater.

 

And I think that's the crux of our different views on this...because I don't see my marriage as tainted. I did for a while after her affair...but I don't any longer. I don't see her as a cheater...I see her as my wife, who I KNOW is faithful to me now.

 

Kind of on the side....can you tell me....do you feel the need to watch over her? Does she go out with the "girls", and if so, do you not wonder what she is or might be doing?

 

This is an EXCELLENT question. Because this is very much to the point of the matter.

 

Remember in her case, the affair was conducted completely "in secret". It wasn't when she was "out with the girls". It was when she was home "alone" with her cell phone and computer.

 

So...for a long time afterwards...I DID check up on her whenever I left her alone on the computer or at the house by herself. I did worry that the moment I'd walk out, she'd be calling OM back and restarting the affair.

 

I went through that for a lot longer than I thought I would have. 2 years after d-day, and I still periodically would check her email/phone records.

 

But...I haven't done that in quite a long time now. I don't check up on her now...nor do I worry that she's restarting her affair, or starting a new one.

 

Several reasons behind this. First, things aren't like they were, so I feel she's got no "reasons" to even consider it. I know that her emotional needs are being met. Second, she's not giving off any kind of "signs" like she did back then. Third, things are just way to good between us overall for me to suspect anyting at this point.

 

Fourth...and this one is a big thing too...I'm not the same guy who went through all of this before. I'm a LOT smarter about it...and a lot stronger for it.

 

I won't go through another recovery again. She knows this, without a doubt. I won't fight to save my marriage a second time. I wouldn't consider giving her a chance if she were to do it again. I would stand proud...and walk away.

 

That confidance is darned attractive to women, btw. I know my wife probably appreciates seeing that confidance in me.

 

So...no. I don't check up on her now, nor do I have any pressing desire or need to do so.

 

We're not at that point in our lives anymore.

 

But a darned good question...because it DID take me a couple of years to get to this point.

[silktricks]

Yes, i do think its "tainted"....it IS tainted. One person in the marriage is NOW a cheater...maybe in your case since it didn't actually end up happening in the physical sense. How could I know that? By the very fact that those who were betrayed will NEVER forget. Those memories have been tainted which taints the marriage.

 

Here again, being tainted, as with your case, doesn't necessarily COMPLETELY destroy the marriage, but it isn't the same.

It's not the same - and frankly - I thank god every day that it isn't. My marriage now is infinitely better than it ever was prior to my husband's "fall from grace". Like OWL, though, my spouse had an EA. I truly do not know what I would have done or felt had it been a PA, as happened with you.

 

Kind of on the side....can you tell me....do you feel the need to watch over her? Does she go out with the "girls", and if so, do you not wonder what she is or might be doing?

My husband on occasion is gone for days at a time. I wonder what he is doing... but not what he is doing - if you get my drift. I do once again have that trust that he will not cheat on us. Blind???? I'm really not totally sure what blind trust is - maybe I never had it?

 

BTW, Owl, congrats on your 5 years recovery date - It's been 5 years for us as well.

[Dexter Morgan]

My husband on occasion is gone for days at a time. I wonder what he is doing... but not what he is doing - if you get my drift. I do once again have that trust that he will not cheat on us. Blind???? I'm really not totally sure what blind trust is - maybe I never had it?

 

blind trust is never worrying about what a SO is doing when away for extended periods of time.

 

but really it isn't even that...its not questioning the questionable...for instance, a new significant other of mine may have given me no reason to not trust her...and has not, to my knowledge, cheated.

and I wouldn't worry or give a 2nd thought to where she is or what she is doing under a normal circumstance.

 

but, for example, lets say she has a night out with some friends, and waltzes in past 2am. Blind trust would be to think nothing of it and not ask "uh...where the hell have you been? its 2am!!"

[Owl]

but, for example, lets say she has a night out with some friends, and waltzes in past 2am. Blind trust would be to think nothing of it and not ask "uh...where the hell have you been? its 2am!!"

 

Well...I'd never had THAT kind of blind trust with anyone...ever.

 

Now...I wouldn't have assumed that she'd been "with" someone during that time. Even now...just not her "style". But I would have asked where she was, and not accepted anything that smelled fishy...before OR after her affair.

[Owl]

BTW, Owl, congrats on your 5 years recovery date - It's been 5 years for us as well.

 

Thanks Silk...and right back at ya.

[Dexter Morgan]

Here's the crux of the breakdown. One person WAS a cheater... I would agree with that.

 

But one person is not NOW a cheater in my marriage. If she were "NOW" a cheater...we wouldn't be married.

 

She WAS one...but she learned from her stupidity, and she's not NOW a cheater.

 

I understand your point. In my view, its kind of like alcoholism. one may never take a drink again, but they are still an alcoholic.

 

Just like with cheating, she may have made the choice to save the marriage and vow to never engage in anything that resembles cheating.

 

but do you really think she has lost the desire to want someone new? not trying to get to you with this Owl....I love ya to death!

but I feel that a cheater can make the committment to stop cheating, but still would have a desire to be with someone else for the newness and excitement. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. thats just my take.

 

 

So...for a long time afterwards...I DID check up on her whenever I left her alone on the computer or at the house by herself. I did worry that the moment I'd walk out, she'd be calling OM back and restarting the affair.

 

I went through that for a lot longer than I thought I would have. 2 years after d-day, and I still periodically would check her email/phone records.

 

But...I haven't done that in quite a long time now. I don't check up on her now...nor do I worry that she's restarting her affair, or starting a new one.

 

Several reasons behind this. First, things aren't like they were, so I feel she's got no "reasons" to even consider it. I know that her emotional needs are being met.

 

well thats good, and definitely what is need to "try" to keep things in check.

 

But someone said to me long ago, "I know you keep your girlfriend happy and she probably wants for nothing....but do you believe that if she was far away from you and found herself in a hotel room with Fabio, that she wouldn't wax his weasel??" (why this person chose Fabio as an example I don't know..LOL)

 

 

Second, she's not giving off any kind of "signs" like she did back then. Third, things are just way to good between us overall for me to suspect anyting at this point.

 

And I'm very happy for you for that...I hope she doesn't make an ass out of you in the future.

 

 

Fourth...and this one is a big thing too...I'm not the same guy who went through all of this before. I'm a LOT smarter about it...and a lot stronger for it.

 

I won't go through another recovery again. She knows this, without a doubt. I won't fight to save my marriage a second time. I wouldn't consider giving her a chance if she were to do it again. I would stand proud...and walk away.

 

good man:)

 

 

That confidance is darned attractive to women, btw. I know my wife probably appreciates seeing that confidance in me.

 

I can see this being so true. My last SO called me crying to take her back when I showed backbone that I wasn't going to be settled for after a remark she made at a party about the old "bad boys" she dated being "fun in their day" and that now she has a "good and stable man". I perceived that as me being settled for, so I moved on.

 

 

So...no. I don't check up on her now, nor do I have any pressing desire or need to do so.

 

We're not at that point in our lives anymore.

 

But a darned good question...because it DID take me a couple of years to get to this point.

 

Owl, you are a strong man, and I wish you the best. You know the post about having a beer with someone? If I had to pick one person, you would be it. I can see us sitting at a table with 2 frosty mugs, ...you telling me "now darn it Dex, you need to relax a bit"...and me saying, "man, you need to crack the whip and man up" ...not saying you need to actually do that, but jokingly saying these things to each other for a laugh.

[Owl]

Owl, you are a strong man, and I wish you the best. You know the post about having a beer with someone? If I had to pick one person, you would be it. I can see us sitting at a table with 2 frosty mugs, ...you telling me "now darn it Dex, you need to relax a bit"...and me saying, "man, you need to crack the whip and man up" ...not saying you need to actually do that, but jokingly saying these things to each other for a laugh.

 

Sounds like a plan to me, Dex!!!

 

I intend to hoist a cold one (or two) tonite at the house after dinner...I'll raise a glass and toast you while I'm doing so!

[Owl]

Something else just hit me in your post, Dex. You said:

 

But someone said to me long ago, "I know you keep your girlfriend happy and she probably wants for nothing....but do you believe that if she was far away from you and found herself in a hotel room with Fabio, that she wouldn't wax his weasel??" (why this person chose Fabio as an example I don't know..LOL)

 

Again...good thoughts here.

 

I would agree...if she were locked in a motel room with (ok...not Fabio...but say the actor who plays Gibbs on NCIS...LOL)...she might well "wax his weasel". Then again...I'd be tempted to do the same to some of the actresses in that show.

 

But here's the deal...she's NOW smart enough to avoid that motel room in the first place! (so am I, hopefully!)

 

That's the real change. In the past, she'd have had much weaker boundaries, and may well have ended up in that motel room. Today...she'd have avoided the whole situation entirely.

 

Which is why I feel so much more comfortable about things.

[Dexter Morgan]

Sounds like a plan to me, Dex!!!

 

I intend to hoist a cold one (or two) tonite at the house after dinner...I'll raise a glass and toast you while I'm doing so!

 

Its a deal! I'll raise a glass of wine tonight and think, "heres to you Owl!"

[Snowflower]

OWL, thanks for bumping your thread back to the present. I read quite a bit of it...particularly about how you dealt with the emotional rollercoaser.

 

It is now nearing 6 months for my own D-day. I am still on the rollercoaster but it is getting better, the downtimes are shallowing out and they are shorter in duration.

 

FWIW, I like your outlook and advice here, owl Thanks for sticking around LS for the last 5 years. Lots of people get the advice they need and then move on from here. But you have stayed and tried to help others, I think that is nice!

[silktricks]

blind trust is never worrying about what a SO is doing when away for extended periods of time

but really it isn't even that...its not questioning the questionable...for instance, a new significant other of mine may have given me no reason to not trust her...and has not, to my knowledge, cheated.

and I wouldn't worry or give a 2nd thought to where she is or what she is doing under a normal circumstance.

 

but, for example, lets say she has a night out with some friends, and waltzes in past 2am. Blind trust would be to think nothing of it and not ask "uh...where the hell have you been? its 2am!!"

 

Oh, well, in that case, I never have had blind trust. Possibly with my first husband???? frankly, I've blocked that episode out of my life as much as possible, but I don't think I even had it then.... and if I had it when I first married him, I sure didn't have it by the time I divorced the lying, cheating SOB :lmao: .