Her work schedule is killing our romance!

[lydon]

I have been with my fiance for one year. She is a single mother, of one. She works two jobs, one of which is a night job as a waitress. We recently got engaged, with no marriage date yet discussed. I own my own company, and make a very repectable income. i have spent yaers working hard so that some day I could provide for my family. I have approched her, about reducing her hours, so that she can spend more time at home with me, and her daughter, and that I can provive any income lost by her reducing her hours.

 

when i dicuss this subject she becomes very defensive, and says that she doesn't need my money, and that her night job is her only form of social interaction. while we were dating i was fine with that decision, but knnow that we are engaged with a future in site, i would love her to spend less time at work and more time at home...since we don't need the extra income anymore.

 

As a result of her work schedule( the night job), she come home quite late, sometimes 12:30 at night, and needs two to three hours to wind down. Consequenctly this is the only time we have for romance. And since i work a day job, requiring me to be at work early in the morning. Problem is this, I am way to tired at 2-3 in the morning to have sex, seeing as i have to be up at 6:30 a.m. i feel like i have to rush, or be forced to have a quicke, and quickly fall asleep so that I can get at least three hours sleep. i have tryed to take her away for romantic weekends, but her schedule will not allow for it, and she stresses, because she says, she can't afford the lack of income, eventhough i have an alternative income for both of us.

 

In the last year, we never have time to make love more than once, in an encounter, because of the timing, or I just go to work exhausted.

 

My questions are how can i convince her to let me take care of her a little, i certainly don't want her to quit, just reduce her hours. Second, why is she so offended when i suggest we live of of a little more of my income. Third, how do we make time for love making, and how do i approach her without offending her.

 

 

thanks

[SoleMate]

This is strange...I can understand not wanting to give up work altogether, but I cannot understand not wanting to cut back on one of her TWO jobs! Waitressing at night is exhausting work, so there must be something that appeals very powerfully about it. Let's assume that it is her social life, as she says. Please be gentle when you ask her to explain more fully, and to discuss whether both of you could build a social life together that meets her needs and also allows you more time for just the two of you.

 

When is the wedding? If I were her, I might want to maintain my independent income until the ring is on my finger - and even afterwards, come to think of it. If she has spent years earning her own money and feeling the power and autonomy that come with it, it will be hard to give that up. How are you planning to make up for her lost income? Are you planning to make an automatic deposit in her account on a regular basis, or will she have to ask you for money? Did she have to claw her way out of financial dependency when exiting her previous marriage?

 

Your desires all seem very reasonable, but I have a feeling that you two are just scratching the surface when you talk. You both need to dig down - and really LISTEN to the other. DON'T try to convince her of anything. She probably gets defensive because she senses that you are trying to sell her on YOUR idea. Instead, find where your shared interests are - like time for the two of you, a leisurely and satisfying sex life, time with her daughter, a social life, a feeling of independence and autonomy.

 

Also...if a schedule change is needed, does SHE necessarily have to make it? Couldn't you change your schedule? Yes, I understand that would require some sacrifice and flexibility from you. But that's what you're asking from HER.

[lydon]

As said I don't want her to quit, just reduce her hours. She does have a ring on her finger, and yes she is very independant, as she has had to be, been a single mother. We have moved in together, which has reduced her expenses by 20-30%. I could contribute by buying the groceries, paying the utilities, and any additional expenses. These are very non-indenpendant-threatening, ideas I believe.

 

 

I think I am doing my part, in that, I come home after work, watch our daughter, and do stuff around the house. I have little or no social life, because of shared duties around the house. I could be living the high life as i was when I was single, But i choose to be a stay-at- home dad, because i believe our daughter need the parental figure, given her mom's work schedule.

 

I don't know what to do about the intamacy part. I would love , just once to go to bed at 11, or even 12, and make love for hours, but this seems impossible, given her work timing. Am i being selfish, or considerate.

 

i think my sacrifices, or contributions are as follows:

 

Try not to work late, so i can spend more time at home

 

attempt to make time for romance

 

Give her the feeling of financial security, finally, something she has obviosly never had,..i would figure this would be a good thing, not an altimatum. She is allways taking about not having time for lifes little things, her i am to help provide it and i feel, like my contribution puts preasure on her some how!

[LADYWOLFE]

Hey, Just wanted to add my two cents into this to help ya out - I was/am in the same situation your fiance is in. I am extremely independent and it was hard to 'accept' the help from my man. He makes double what i do and yet i never ask for anything. We live together and he doesnt want me to contribute much to the household -- however, I feel obligated to always pay for everything myself so if I dont have the money, I will not do anything about it or ask for help. It takes time and I am starting to think of this as an 'us' situation and we are slowly integrated the finances which seems to be helping put everything into priority as to what is going to happen when we are married.

 

Give her time and just be there when she needs you to be. SHe will appreciate the stress relief..just takes time to realize she doesnt 'owe' you if you help her out.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!!!

[katie79]

my fiance works 2, sometimes 3 jobs, and we rarely see each other. After this happens, it becomes alkward to see them or share any intimacy with them.

As for work being part of her social life...she seems lonely. Maybe there's a chunck of her that wants friendship bonding rather than romantic bonding (I mean friendship with other women). She may not want to feel dependant on you for money and companionship completley.

Is this just a transition period where she is working like this to get through school or clearing financial problems that will end shortly? If that's the case, bear with it until she is finished.

If not, perhaps she needs the job for her kid...she may not be getting enough from the biological father in child care to carry her and her child over. In which case, this is a hard nut to crack. That's another story.

Or maybe she's working hard and not "smart". The difference b/t the two is she is willing to work many hours, but fails to take the intiative of seeking a job that provides her with a better opportunites. In other words, does she have the crudentials to find a job that will pay her more money? If so, she should look elsewhere for her own sake, yours, and the relationship. Instead of working one job that pays $18,000 a year and a night job that pays $10,000 a year, why not get one job that pays $ 38,000+ a year? I know people that do this, and frankly, it's stupid. They are wasting their time, energy, and ruining their relationship in the meantime.

Which ever one it is, you both have to work on this and come to a comprimise to see each other more. This is your fiance now. She'll be your wife. She should value your relationship first. This should be her first priority sicne it'll be the rest of both your lives.

She might not want to be supported by you (fully or partially) only b/c she doesn't want to be under somebody's thumb. I can understand that. Who wants to depend on somebody for grocery money? Or ask if they can borrow a few bucks for deodarant? Unless you two are married, where you have a joint acct and share a house, I can see why she might decline your offer.

[SoleMate]

Lydon...I noticed that you answered very few of my questions. So now I'm wondering...do you really want advice, and help? Or are you just here to vent? Do you know how to really LISTEN and hear the other person's point of view?

[mymojo]

You are NOT legally married yet, her child is NOT your legal responsibility.If the engagement ends up in the toliet not only will she be hurting emotionally she'll also be scrambling to find another second job to pay her bills.Btw,when you've gotta work multiple jobs, finding employers who will accomodate your primary job and your childcare needs is no easy task,she's reluctant to give it up for good reasons.

 

You are marrying a person with a set of pre-existing obligations who obviously has struggled with fiscal hardship in the past and recognizes that her first obligation is to provide for/protect her child.If you are this concerned why not offer to visit a lawyer with her,draw up a contract that legally binds you to proving some sort of helping hand for a time if the engagement doesn't work out?