6 years together and I find out he has been to stripclubs

[rakel_aki]

We have been together for 6 years. We started dating young. He is my first im his second.

 

6 months ago we were talking about stripclubs and he came clean that he went to one early in our relationship. He said he didnt tell me because he thought stripclubs were gross.

 

Well last night i was talking to one of his friends girlfriends and she comented that on their boys night out they went a few times to stripclubs. My whole world fell. 6 months ago he said he only went once.

 

I confronted him and he came clean. he said he was sorry and didnt want me to think he was a sicko for going.

 

But he lied 6 months ago. He swore he only went once and now i find out he went more times behind my back.

 

I am not a fan of stripclubs. But if we talked before hand i would not mind. Now i feel like he was hiding something. I feel like i cant trust him.

 

 

I love him with all my heart. But it hurts. I dont trust him. What if something else happened. I dont believe he has ever cheated on me. We are open with passwords and cellphones. But what if something happened at the stripclub and he is also hidding that from me.

 

 

If i were with him for months i would run if i found out he lied to me.

 

But 6 years. I dont know how to handel this situation. I love him. He is very sorru. And feels bad when i am crying.

Edited June 17, 2013 by rakel_aki

[BeholdtheMan]

But he lied 6 months ago. He swore he only went once and now i find out he went more times behind my back.

 

I am not a fan of stripclubs. But if we talked before hand i would not mind. Now i feel like he was hiding something. I feel like i cant trust him.

 

 

I love him with all my heart. But it hurts. I dont trust him.

Your disappointment and anger are totally justified. For you it's less about the act of going and much more about concealing it, the sneaking around and telling you.

 

I feel for you. You're in a tough situation and I think only you know enough about your boyfriend to decide whether his deception (because in my eyes deception by omission is just as bad as active deception) is a deal breaker.

 

People are imperfect and I'm not advising that you should end it with someone if he fu**s up. I'm saying that you have to judge the severity of his bad behaviour and whether you think he can rectify it because remorse alone is not enough. He needs to become completely honest with you.

[jolie_baby]

have you ever looked at porn and felt like it would hurt him if you told him you did?

[rakel_aki]

Thank you beholdtheMan.

 

The worst part is the lying. How can I trust him. I don't know how to deal with thisfeeling. I feel like breaking everything off. But don't want to do anything with a hot head

[rakel_aki]

have you ever looked at porn and felt like it would hurt him if you told him you did?

 

Why would he mind? He watches porn and I don't really care. The whole watching a stripper doesn't bug me. I don't really enjoy the lap dances. That bugs me a bit.

[BeholdtheMan]

Thank you beholdtheMan.

 

The worst part is the lying. How can I trust him. I don't know how to deal with thisfeeling. I feel like breaking everything off. But don't want to do anything with a hot head

Well, trust is not a completely rational thing. The cold hard truth is that you never completely know someone, you never know what they're capable of in a moment of weakness. However, we can give people the benefit of the doubt based on the good character they've shown in the past.

 

I don't know your boyfriend as well as you. You're in the best position to judge his character. You're familiar with your relationship history and how he's treated you. You kinda have to weigh all of that and make a judgment call. Deception is poison to a relationship.

 

What's a bit...disheartening is that the secret trips to the strip club could just be the tip of iceberg. There could be more secrets. Of course, there might be nothing else under the water.

 

You have to judge. Do you think you have chance of salvaging the trust in your relationship? If not, you should probably move on as hard as that is. I think you'll agree that a relationship without trust is pointless.

[ChessPieceFace]

It's a crappy situation. I don't have much to add, other than to say that it's possible he simply thought that as a woman you wouldn't understand his "needs", that he "needed" to ogle some women from time to time and decided to do it behind your back, viewing it as not much worse than porn in his mind. Or, it's possible he did other things. You could at least find out from friends if he got lap dances, or possibly anything "worse" and then have more info to go on.

 

How to get the trust back? I don't know. Probably not possible to get it fully back. Yet another example of how honesty is always better, in the end.

[rakel_aki]

HELP!

 

I just found out that the place that they used to go to has been busted for prostitution.

 

What can I think of this? Plus when he went out of the 10 guys only 2 had girlfriends.

 

I feel sick.

 

I don't know how to tell my family. We were planning on getting married maybe next year! I can't trust him!

 

Am I making a big scene out of nothing? I haven't told anyone close to me because I am embarrassed of all of this.

[jolie_baby]

why do you have to tell anyone now?

relax and sit with him and ask questions before anything..

[salparadise]

HELP! Am I making a big scene out of nothing?

 

Strip clubs are nothing more than live porn shows, assuming there's no contact or actual interaction with the sluts who work there. Having been a few times with his male buddies, in and of itself, is just not a big deal in my opinion. Now if he were fixated on it, going frequently, or stuffing hundred dollar bills in their g-strings it would be altogether different.

 

Lying about it... well, that's unfortunate and I share your concern about that. But still, if it was by omission and to spare your feelings it's not quite the same as leading a double life or something.

 

The thing that's upsetting you is that you're assigning a different meaning to it all (he probably just sees it as going along with the boys) rather than being objective. You're assuming that only a man with serious character flaws would ever set foot into one of those places.

 

I say talk it out rationally and give him the benefit of the doubt until/unless you find out a lot more went on than just watching the show.

[Chi townD]

Hmmm...... I'm starting to think about bunnies here.

 

Well, I really wouldn't care about the strip club. But, the lying about it is what's REALLY the issue here.

 

 

Couples counseling.....that's all I'm going to say here until I can confirm that there aren't bunnies at work here.

[Phantom888]

Sometimes a guy lies even though the truth isn't all that bad. The truth may be hard to explain to someone unfamiliar with that particular situation. A strip club is really not as seedy as people think it is. I have been to strip clubs before, and sometimes they are fun, but most of the time they are boring. Guys like to hang out there with friends because it's fun to act crazy with your buddies. But seriously, a strip club every now and then is waaaaaaaaaay more innocent than going to a bar where there are lots of hot single women ready to have sex. Strip clubs don't allow you to touch the girls unless you do some lap dance, which are really no big deal anyway. Don't dwell over strip clubs. It's really not a big deal.

[crederer]

Strip clubs aren't that bad. You are more upset that he lied. He may have lied because he felt you'd be upset and knew nothing wrong happened and therefore thought you'd overreact. Have you gotten upset with him telling you the truth about sensitive subjects before? Maybe that is the problem. Maybe he feels vulnerable telling you the truth due to how you react to it. Not saying this is the situation, just throwing a thought your way.

[LonelyInsomniac]

HELP!

 

I just found out that the place that they used to go to has been busted for prostitution.

 

What can I think of this? Plus when he went out of the 10 guys only 2 had girlfriends.

 

I feel sick.

 

I don't know how to tell my family. We were planning on getting married maybe next year! I can't trust him!

 

Am I making a big scene out of nothing? I haven't told anyone close to me because I am embarrassed of all of this.

 

Yeah. I know a lot of people are glazing over this with "lolstripclubs," but you wouldn't be in this limbo right now if he'd just said, "hey. Just got home from a strip club. Jeez, there were prostitutes everywhere."

 

The fact that he lied about it, covered up a sketchy place, and basically through lying about that kept his options open (which I can guarantee you he likely rationalized with, "well, I don't want her to think I'm with hookers - she just won't believe me!") says a lot of unsavory things about him right now.

 

It's not right for him to make you wonder like this, and it's not right for him to do this without finding out your comfort level. I know everyone's going "it's just a strip club" - this isn't porn. This isn't getting stimulated in the privacy of your home with people you'll likely never meet. And he was open about porn with you.

[jolie_baby]

Sometimes a guy lies even though the truth isn't all that bad. The truth may be hard to explain to someone unfamiliar with that particular situation. A strip club is really not as seedy as people think it is. I have been to strip clubs before, and sometimes they are fun, but most of the time they are boring. Guys like to hang out there with friends because it's fun to act crazy with your buddies. But seriously, a strip club every now and then is waaaaaaaaaay more innocent than going to a bar where there are lots of hot single women ready to have sex. Strip clubs don't allow you to touch the girls unless you do some lap dance, which are really no big deal anyway. Don't dwell over strip clubs. It's really not a big deal.

 

I go with this

[germain]

I would be embarrassed too...about how much you're overreacting.

I'm sorry but a strip club? He probably didn't tell you because he knew you'd flip out about it. You can't immediately assume the worst otherwise every little thing is going to be blown up like this, and I doubt he'll want to hang around to deal with it for long. I certainly wouldn't.

 

Strip club busted for prostitution and suddenly it's gone from lap dances to paying for sex? Come on... You say you're cool with him looking at pornography, well, strip clubs aren't that different. I personally don't find them appealing, but I can see it being fun to drink with some friends and joke around a little about the trashy girl on stage. He's not doing it every night is he? He's not giving up time with you to go, is he? Those are real problems.

 

Six years together... is it really worth potentially ruining over something so insignificant? I get the feeling your lack of trust stems from something else. Either with him or something in the past.