Taking it slow to build up a good friendship, but next?

[Carenth]

Gentle brush off, this is why you don't become friends with people you are attracted too. The shift from friend to lover is often too much for many people.

 

Not to mention they will wonder if your friendship was a lie from the start as a way to get close to them through dishonesty.

[amkxoxo]

In my opinion being friends first then liking them is a great foundation for a relationship. You know each other well and know you can have fun with the person. Also, if it doesn't work out you can still respect each other as people. Yes it might be heartbreaking and you might not talk if you breakup but you still have that friendship respect. I started seeing someone at school and we immediately started flirting and jumped into casually dating. Now as we have progressed and are dating long distance, I feel like he and I both wish we had a solid friendship first, because long distance relies on a good foundation, and we just jumped into it. I would say try and win her over, and start acting like a boyfriend. If she pulls back then go back to being friends, but it sounds to me like he wants you to make a move. KISS HER

[phineas]

See...you had me 'on your side' until that last comment.

Which I trust was intended to be humorous.

 

(Hence the smiley....)

 

If a woman wants to be friends with a guy, then that's all she wants.

 

Occasionally, women have been known to abuse that friendship and use it to their own ends.

 

That is a definite.

 

But to 'get a guy'?

 

Hmmm..... nope.

 

That's why so many women love gay guys as friends - they know they have a really good friend who won't hit on them - but WILL tell them if that dress they're trying on, is just a little too tight around the hips.

Aced it.

 

I have no clue what you are talking about.

 

Man pretending to be a woman's friend in order to date her = creepy.

Woman pretending to be a man's friend in order to date him is acceptable.

 

This has happened to me numerous times.

Woman tells me "we are such good friends", or "i'm glad we are friends" or "i don't want a relationship".

So whatever. I be her friend.

I hang out with her, I don't flirt with her, I don't hit on her, I do my own thing and have fun.

Next thing I know we are on the couch somewhere watching a movie & she keeps getting closer & closer.

Sometimes she just jumps me out of the blue, sometimes I don't make a move & then i really am friendzoned because she feels rejected even though she said we were just friends.

 

Those are the sane women.

The cray cray ones just say they want to date to keep me from dating others because they don't want to lose the attention.

Those get ugly real fast.

 

number one reason I don't get laid as much as people think I do?

I don't make moves on my female friends until we have actually discussed dating.

Edited June 21, 2013 by phineas

[Carenth]

In my opinion being friends first then liking them is a great foundation for a relationship. You know each other well and know you can have fun with the person. Also, if it doesn't work out you can still respect each other as people. Yes it might be heartbreaking and you might not talk if you breakup but you still have that friendship respect. I started seeing someone at school and we immediately started flirting and jumped into casually dating. Now as we have progressed and are dating long distance, I feel like he and I both wish we had a solid friendship first, because long distance relies on a good foundation, and we just jumped into it. I would say try and win her over, and start acting like a boyfriend. If she pulls back then go back to being friends, but it sounds to me like he wants you to make a move. KISS HER

 

Ermm... hate to break your bubble didn't you boyfriend state he just wanted to be friends before he left and has being pretty much ignoring you since?

 

Also the advice of just acting as her boyfriend and trying to kiss her. No just no if you try to kiss a friend unexpectedly you are in for a bad time. She will freak the **** out and think you are a massive creep. You need to discuss this with her and see how she reacts but most likely it won't end the way you want.

 

I'm not saying it is impossible for you to progress from friends to something more I have done this however I did not see her as anything more than a friend for a long time, years even. We dated other people in between and then we became very close it was very natural and gradual however I really do think cases like this are the exception rather than the norm.

[amkxoxo]

I didn't mean grab her and kiss her, cause yes that would definitely freak anyone out. If you acted more like a boyfriend and she reciprocated well, why not kiss her.

[peter_87]

Thanks for the reactions everyone. Though the problem with asking online for help is that there are a lot of conflicting opinions, so forgive me for being a bit critical:

 

The thing indeed is: I'm trying to build up a good bond with someone, and I see the potential for a romantic relationship because I like her. However, if that doesn't work out I'm just content with a normal friendship. I have told her that that is my general mentality to dating, and she agreed with me. Pretending to be her friend? No, that's definitely not what I'm doing.

 

Fear of rejection is really bad. I know I can handle it, but something unconscious is trying to hold me back, and that's something that I indeed need to conquer.

 

I didn't mean grab her and kiss her, cause yes that would definitely freak anyone out. If you acted more like a boyfriend and she reciprocated well, why not kiss her.

 

What do you mean exactly, by "act more like a boyfriend"? Could you give some concrete examples of this?

[BeholdtheMan]

Is it really that simple? No wiggling space?

 

So basically, I should have explicitly stated that I want more of her? The thing is, don't girls find this creepy? I've seen so many girls who are all annoyed at the huge amounts of men trying to make un-subtle advances on them when they don't even know who they are.

Make your intentions known. Women don't like simpering timid men afraid to express their true feelings. I'm not saying women like to be clubbed over the head and dragged to a cave, but unsubtle doesn't mean uncharming.

 

Girls get annoyed at men who make unsubtle advances when they're not attracted to those men.

 

If she's clearly attracted to you and you're being all timid and hesitant to pull the trigger, it's a major turn off.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Yes to the bolded part.

 

Girls find you creepy if they don't fancy you and find your advances welcome when they do like you. The skill comes from subtley letting them know it's not about friendship and knowing to stop straight away when it's not reciprocated.

 

practice.

 

I disagree with your approach.

 

OP, we're the same age. However, it appears that I have more dating experience than you. At this point, I don't have patience to dance around the way you do.

 

I'm not subtle at all. I'm very straight forward. I know what I want and so does each girl that I talk to. This method has been the best one I've ever used, both in terms of effectiveness (getting the girl) and efficiency (spending as little time as possible doing so).

 

I highly recommend it.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Thanks for the reactions everyone. Though the problem with asking online for help is that there are a lot of conflicting opinions, so forgive me for being a bit critical:

 

The thing indeed is: I'm trying to build up a good bond with someone, and I see the potential for a romantic relationship because I like her. However, if that doesn't work out I'm just content with a normal friendship. I have told her that that is my general mentality to dating, and she agreed with me. Pretending to be her friend? No, that's definitely not what I'm doing.

 

Fear of rejection is really bad. I know I can handle it, but something unconscious is trying to hold me back, and that's something that I indeed need to conquer.

 

If you had been more successful with women, then I'd say let any approach fly. For example, if you had said you have had several GFs and have attractive women approaching you all the time then friends first is fine.

 

But since you are generally unsuccessful (lots of men here in that category), I'd say your approach is not too good. Like other posters have stated, it's not optimal, it doesn't increase your odds of finding a woman who is attracted to you. Because a lot of it is about looks for women, despite what they say. It doesn't matter how cool or supportive you are, if there is no attraction, you're dead in the water. For example, say you're a minority or a short guy and she's only into white guys or tall guys. It doesn't matter how cool you are, you're dead in the water.

 

If you can be cool with meeting a woman a year at a time and getting to know her well, and being friendzoned by each one for years, then more power to you. Because believe me, that could easily happen 5 or 6 times in a row. Just the same as you can get rejected 5 or 6 times at a house party. Got it now? How do I know? Because I had your approach for years. All of my GFs barely knew me before I got physical with them.

 

As far as the 'pretending to be her friend' myth, generally created by women so they don't have to feel bad about rejecting men they would otherwise date if they weren't physically unattractive by putting the blame back on the man.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Make your intentions known. Women don't like simpering timid men afraid to express their true feelings. I'm not saying women like to be clubbed over the head and dragged to a cave, but unsubtle doesn't mean uncharming.

 

Girls get annoyed at men who make unsubtle advances when they're not attracted to those men.

 

If she's clearly attracted to you and you're being all timid and hesitant to pull the trigger, it's a major turn off.

 

Right.

 

 

I know this video is posted is a joke, but there is no humor where there is no truth.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I see women and men get together like this all the time. This is some alternate universe on this site where this situation never leads to dating.

 

Thing men dont get is women can become attracted over time to a man due to his personality. Doesnt always happen, but sorry, most married couples I know personally started off this way where a guy befriended a woman he liked and she wasnt keen at first and changed her mind.

 

Nobody is denying that it happens, it's just not an optimal approach for a lot of men. Getting friendzoned is tough. You already like the person at that point, so it's painful.

 

I don't deny that it happens to women too. Unfortunately, it's usually women who don't get approached as much and have less options.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I see women and men get together like this all the time. This is some alternate universe on this site where this situation never leads to dating.

 

Thing men dont get is women can become attracted over time to a man due to his personality. Doesnt always happen, but sorry, most married couples I know personally started off this way where a guy befriended a woman he liked and she wasnt keen at first and changed her mind.

-2 of my co workers

-my best friend in college

-2 cousins of mine

-an acquaintance from my old job

-my personal trainer

-my neighbor

-a girl I couldnt stand from highschool who I see alot from a club we are in.

 

Thats 8 examples right there I thought of in a minute where that is how they got together and eventually got married.

 

Women dont dismiss the opposite sex over looks right away like almost all men do. If a guy aint attracted to you, there isnt a damn thing you could do with your personality to make him like you other than become hotter. Men are heavily visual and place much more importance on looks than women do. Men have to think your hot first, then theyll look at your personality. Some women do this too but I find for some of them personality can win you over.

 

So OP, this situation might work out for you or it might not. Dont let all this negativity get you down.

 

I also once dated an ex a second time who did this same exact thing to me, after a few months I was about to throw in the towel due feeling like I was being strung along and then he professed he love to me and we had a very good relationship for the next 7ish months. It can happen.

 

Alot of men on this site have been burned by being strung along so there is alot of projection going on.

 

How old are these people? If they're baby boomers, then it doesn't apply to the current dating situation.

 

Even members of Generation X don't completely apply. Women are different today than they were in the past. As a general rule, you won't get anywhere being friends first.

 

Sorry to burst your bubble.

[amkxoxo]

Little things...play hard to get a little! text her everyday for maybe 3 days or so in a row. Then just don't respond to a message on her end, and leave it open for like a day. She will wonder where you are, what you are doing, and why you did not respond. It will drive her crazy and she will think of you a lot. After a day of no response, if she doesn't text you, text her and immediately ask her to do something with you. I'm sure she'll say yes. Pay for dates, but don't let her take advantage. Be flirty, fun, and listen to what she says and remember it. Girls like it when you reference something they said in the future. It shows you like them and take an interest in their life. Of course classic tips like holding the door open, etc are always nice. Girls like compliments "you're pretty" etcc...but don't over do it because you come across desperate. Once or twice, once in a while is nice, especially if she reciprocates. Guys are suppose to win over the girl and I totally support that, but don't give out what you are not getting. Treat her like gold. Communicate openly. Tell her what you really think, and ask her what she thinks. We like to be needed and to give our opinions. Girls value family, so if its in your comfort zone to talk about yours, tell her. Talk about them only positively if course. Keep some to the imagination. Don;t share all your secrets in one date. Lastly, just be yourself. If it doesn't work out, be her best friend, be there for her. To me, it sounds like your sick of being just friends and it making you crazy. Just go for it. Is it better to say you tried, or to sit back and never make a move?? Good Luck!

[BeholdtheMan]

Right.

 

 

I know this video is posted is a joke, but there is no humor where there is no truth.

Hahahaha...this is hilarious because of the underlying truth

[peter_87]

Little things...play hard to get a little! text her everyday for maybe 3 days or so in a row. Then just don't respond to a message on her end, and leave it open for like a day. She will wonder where you are, what you are doing, and why you did not respond. It will drive her crazy and she will think of you a lot. After a day of no response, if she doesn't text you, text her and immediately ask her to do something with you. I'm sure she'll say yes. Pay for dates, but don't let her take advantage. Be flirty, fun, and listen to what she says and remember it. Girls like it when you reference something they said in the future. It shows you like them and take an interest in their life. Of course classic tips like holding the door open, etc are always nice. Girls like compliments "you're pretty" etcc...but don't over do it because you come across desperate. Once or twice, once in a while is nice, especially if she reciprocates. Guys are suppose to win over the girl and I totally support that, but don't give out what you are not getting. Treat her like gold. Communicate openly. Tell her what you really think, and ask her what she thinks. We like to be needed and to give our opinions. Girls value family, so if its in your comfort zone to talk about yours, tell her. Talk about them only positively if course. Keep some to the imagination. Don;t share all your secrets in one date. Lastly, just be yourself. If it doesn't work out, be her best friend, be there for her. To me, it sounds like your sick of being just friends and it making you crazy. Just go for it. Is it better to say you tried, or to sit back and never make a move?? Good Luck!

 

Thanks for the tips. I appreciate them a lot. And you raised one very good point that has me puzzled for a really big while now: the paradox of sharing problems.

 

You mention that girls like feeling needed. On the other hand, everywhere I read seems to indicate that you need to be confident if you want to have someone fall for you romantically. How do you mesh those two? I mean, I would love to talk about my own shyness (especially since the girl in question is really good at keeping a conversation going and inspiring me), but like, that's not confident in the slightest way. How are you supposed to mesh these things?

[Emilia]

The thing indeed is: I'm trying to build up a good bond with someone, and I see the potential for a romantic relationship because I like her. However, if that doesn't work out I'm just content with a normal friendship. I have told her that that is my general mentality to dating, and she agreed with me. Pretending to be her friend? No, that's definitely not what I'm doing.

Of course she agreed with you, what woman is going to say 'no I want to have sex right now?' Unless they are confident of course

 

In my opinion you need to change your approach to the bolded because it makes you too timid, too asexual almost. It's not attractive as it's not 'hot'

[peter_87]

Of course she agreed with you, what woman is going to say 'no I want to have sex right now?' Unless they are confident of course

 

In my opinion you need to change your approach to the bolded because it makes you too timid, too asexual almost. It's not attractive as it's not 'hot'

 

My problem is indeed that I hardly ever dare to show sexuality, yeah, even though I'm definitely not asexual. Do you perhaps have any examples how to show this better?

[Emilia]

My problem is indeed that I hardly ever dare to show sexuality, yeah, even though I'm definitely not asexual. Do you perhaps have any examples how to show this better?

I can't give you examples, you have to work this out yourself through experiment. You need to start pushing your own boundaries and start expressing your emotional side with women. Certainly never ever make the comment that you are happy just being friends. There isn't a bigger passion killer known to women.