Dangerous side to an Affair .. obsession & addiction

[whichwayisup]

Thanks whichway

 

I am just trying to point out that most Ow were once very stable just a normal everyday woman. And how an A can affect her very spirit and soul and make them (me) become unstable and almost crazy all in the name of love.

 

I agree. Affairs mess people up and messes with people's heads along the way, changes them into people they do not recognize and maybe even do/say things they normally wouldn't do. I've always said people are capable of just about anything when pushed past their emotional limit.

 

Take care of yourself, always.

[TheOW]

I agree. Affairs mess people up and messes with people's heads along the way, changes them into people they do not recognize and maybe even do/say things they normally wouldn't do. I've always said people are capable of just about anything when pushed past their emotional limit.

 

Take care of yourself, always.

 

Wounds will heal but the scars will always be there, hopefully one day barely visible but always there as a reminder.

[neveragain34]

I felt the exact same way; it was definitely similar to drug addiction... You give anything to have the drug and have withdrawals when you can't.

 

I wonder if most MM experience the same addiction towards their OW; I know mine did. He would go crazy when I was out with friends or unavailable to him, calling and texting a million times, risking getting caught, just because he thought I was off with another man. Such a double standard. The crazy part of me even liked to drive him nuts like that; it gave me some sort of validation.

 

There is absolutely nothing healthy about being in an affair and I do not wish those addictive feelings on anyone!

[ladydesigner]

Wounds will heal but the scars will always be there, hopefully one day barely visible but always there as a reminder.

 

Yes this is true for everyone in the triangle including the kids (if they know).

 

BTW OW it sounds like you have come a long way. I was very much the same when I was the MOW. I am 5 years out from my A with xOM and there is nothing but indifference. If I saw him today I wouldn't even care to be his friend. You will get there!

[F.U.D]

I felt the exact same way; it was definitely similar to drug addiction... You give anything to have the drug and have withdrawals when you can't.

 

I wonder if most MM experience the same addiction towards their OW; I know mine did. He would go crazy when I was out with friends or unavailable to him, calling and texting a million times, risking getting caught, just because he thought I was off with another man. Such a double standard. The crazy part of me even liked to drive him nuts like that; it gave me some sort of validation.

 

There is absolutely nothing healthy about being in an affair and I do not wish those addictive feelings on anyone!

 

 

I am a MM and yes...the silence is deadly to our mental health. Not so much worrying about anyone else...but about losing importance with you or not being able to shine above the rest.

[anne1707]

You're doing good tOW - you sound as if you're in a much better place now and getting your life together. Good for your

[qwnbeaa35]

Im in tears ... So much i had to go to my car.... **** (can i say ****) this is me! What have i done to my self. You read my mind. I seriously thought i was going crazy. I did all these things and more. I hid it all too. I tried to continue to be this strong woman, pitied and judged many women who found them selves in situations like this. And now here i am striped of my self-esteem sad lonely and feeling lower than dirt. Happy to get the crumbs he thru ... I tried to get out but he new how to play me. How could i of all people be so stupid as to fall in love with someone else man. I cant even take pride and say i called it off he dumped me cause he saw me out on a date with another guy.... Just a friend but of course he didn't believe me. I begged and pleaded but to no avail van u believe that i suck ill never be the same ill never trust my self again

I dont like who i see

[LilGirlandOW]

Im in tears ... ill never be the same ill never trust my self again

I dont like who i see

 

 

Raw emotion cuts deep, hell I'm still in the A, and I feel like I'm being sliced open from the inside... its actual physical pain, and its terrible. I wish you strength Qwn, looking at myself I dont know where I would find such strength but I hope you do find it,,, strength and peace, I'm sorry your hurting xo

[2sure]

I was previously a BS, and I can tell you ...I was not only crazy, but unscrupulous. It's like another world, a bad dream after you step away from it.

[Journee]

TOW, I am not trying to thread jack here. You are doing wonderful. I remember some of the post DDay posts. Boy were they busy threads! Good for you girl! You are looking inside of yourself so deeply. That is wonderful!

 

I was not an OW to my H (that doesn't make much sense lol) but when we had started dating I did some of the things you listed. I have terrible insecurities that really make me hard to get to. I really went all out to prove myself to my H. The things I did though ,I loved to do because he loved them. In turn I knew that we both hooked on one another. Our relationship has not always been the healthiest because we also have had some codependency problems. I went all out sexually and at that point neither of us had been that adventurous. I wasn't H's first partner or anything but the only one that had taken him to certain heights. He the only one to make me feel truly cared for and safe. I showered him with attention (still do). I am extremely affectionate and love making him feel wanted and loved. He ate it up and I think sometimes got way to accustomed to it. When I couldn't and would not continue that and we separated it was ....terrible and we both went through withdrawal. We fed off of each other. Until things blew up a couple of years ago.

 

Affairs are unhealthy but I will be the first to admit my M was probably just as damaging if we would had continued down that path.

 

Whew...that was a lot.

 

I am glad you are doing better.

[TheOW]

Im in tears ... So much i had to go to my car.... **** (can i say ****) this is me! What have i done to my self. You read my mind. I seriously thought i was going crazy. I did all these things and more. I hid it all too. I tried to continue to be this strong woman, pitied and judged many women who found them selves in situations like this. And now here i am striped of my self-esteem sad lonely and feeling lower than dirt. Happy to get the crumbs he thru ... I tried to get out but he new how to play me. How could i of all people be so stupid as to fall in love with someone else man. I cant even take pride and say i called it off he dumped me cause he saw me out on a date with another guy.... Just a friend but of course he didn't believe me. I begged and pleaded but to no avail van u believe that i suck ill never be the same ill never trust my self again

I dont like who i see

 

Im sorry qwnbeaa

 

I think its human nature to become attracted to someone who admires and gives you attention, married or not, it feels good and even more so from a man that you are attracted to.

 

No its not nice to see who you have become, what you have become but i believe when this episode is finished I will be a stronger and wiser person. I am far from recovered I still get "withdrawels" that almost break me, I could be anywhere happy and a memory pops into my head and a wave of sadness, hurt and missing him comes over me - this can put me back for days and the obsession begins again.

 

We will get there it will take time and alot more tearful days but we will get there.

[findingnemo]

This is such a brutally honest and wonderful thread. Many times OWs find it hard to describe how hurt they get because it's almost unacceptable to talk about it. It is this kind of emotion that made me end the A. I was losing it...literally. I didn't destroy my home or furniture. I didn't yell or send nasty texts, confront he W or any of that.

 

What I did was keep it all to myself to the point that I would get physically ill. One night after so looking forward to a visit by xMM (he was flying in and didn't show), he called me. He wanted me to know what had happened. His baby son had gotten so sick he was admitted in the hospital. It was true and the baby almost died. The sad thing is that I didn't know about this baby. I knew he had a daughter but we had been talking almost daily, flying to each other's cities to see each other for 2 years and I didn't know his W was pregnant. After the conversation I had a panic attack. I didn't know what it was, I just felt like I was dying. I was taken to hospital and sedated. All because of what? Feeling betrayed.

 

A few years later, I decided to end the A and went to his city. I installed myself in a serviced apartment and called him. After our meeting, I cried and cried for almost 3 weeks every single day and hour. I felt like there was a knife in my stomach, it was that bad. But I promised that it would be the last time I was going to get sick over a man.

 

I was so addicted to him but didn't know it until I read about it here. Crazy, crazy stuff...that's not what love is supposed to look like.

[Goodbye]

This is such a brutally honest and wonderful thread. Many times OWs find it hard to describe how hurt they get because it's almost unacceptable to talk about it. It is this kind of emotion that made me end the A. I was losing it...literally. I didn't destroy my home or furniture. I didn't yell or send nasty texts, confront he W or any of that.

 

What I did was keep it all to myself to the point that I would get physically ill. One night after so looking forward to a visit by xMM (he was flying in and didn't show), he called me. He wanted me to know what had happened. His baby son had gotten so sick he was admitted in the hospital. It was true and the baby almost died. The sad thing is that I didn't know about this baby. I knew he had a daughter but we had been talking almost daily, flying to each other's cities to see each other for 2 years and I didn't know his W was pregnant. After the conversation I had a panic attack. I didn't know what it was, I just felt like I was dying. I was taken to hospital and sedated. All because of what? Feeling betrayed.

 

A few years later, I decided to end the A and went to his city. I installed myself in a serviced apartment and called him. After our meeting, I cried and cried for almost 3 weeks every single day and hour. I felt like there was a knife in my stomach, it was that bad. But I promised that it would be the last time I was going to get sick over a man.

 

I was so addicted to him but didn't know it until I read about it here. Crazy, crazy stuff...that's not what love is supposed to look like.

 

 

findingnemo, what a painful experience. I'm glad you powered through and are doing well now.

[thefooloftheyear]

I sympathize with all...I feel it, too...obviously coming from a different angle...

 

I believe the obsesssion and addiction is primarily related to the brief and circumstantial nature of the contact...There is no "routine", therefore the brain never falls into the inevitable "comfort zone"...Alll this does is feed the addiction. I am sure most of us have wondered what life might be if this was allowed to run its natural course like any other relationship. Sure, some might be lasting and sincere...but the stark reality is that many of these would just wind up fizzling out like anything else...

 

Feel better everyone.

 

TFY

[So happy together]

I never felt these things. For me, it was just a regular love affair. It doesn't have these obsessive attributes.

[TheOW]

I never felt these things. For me, it was just a regular love affair. It doesn't have these obsessive attributes.

 

Youre one of the lucky ones then ....

[Goodbye]

I never felt these things. For me, it was just a regular love affair. It doesn't have these obsessive attributes.

 

 

Well, you were never "secret," right? And your MM is separated and divorcing, so it is really an affair. The rage comes from being kept a secret, not being able to communicate freely and from being misled and strung along.

[MissBee]

Thanks for sharing and being honest TheOW, as these are difficult things to admit to one's self and even to others. I also think many OW can relate to the A being a crazy-making process for them and can definitely relate to the roller coaster of emotions. Like BS's may feel they are going crazy if there is gaslighting, I think a similar process of insecurity and distrusting one's self can also affect OW.

 

I don't feel like I became mentally unstable, but I do know I felt great levels of insecurity and paranoia which were specifically because of the triangulated nature, which made me behave in embarrassing ways Relationships which are out in the open and are between only two people are hard as is, add secrets, double lives and a triangle and it's not hard to see how it can require a lot of emotional and mental bending and shifting which takes one out of balance.

 

I'm glad you're doing better and better and seem to have such a good grasp on yourself and where you're at .

[jlola]

I think anytime we get involved in a relationship that is full of uncertainty,highs,los,secrets,drama we become addicted. I had a friend who became quite addicted to a sociopath years ago. Sociopaths are amazingly charming ,they are magnets to women(look it up, they are not all psycho killers,but manipulators). He kept saying he had never felt like this about anyone before. he thought it was a "great love of his life" that just happened to have a few issues.

 

It took awhile and a lot of reading for him to understand he was addicted to the feelings he got from the relationship. The over the top "I love you's", the last minute breaking of dates when he had looked forward to, the highs and lows, the drama, the elusiveness,the uncertainty. All of this uncertainty made him think it was love. Because all of this drama caused him to think and focus on this person non stop.He became addicted and behaved in ways all we still find uncharacteristic of him. He made excuses for all the bad behavior where he was known to be very rigid with behavior.

 

He finally had to end the relationship. Block the phone calls and now a couple of years later just repeats"What was I thinking'? when he thinks back on that relationship. He says he never wants to go there again. So much pain for so little pleasure. He ignored the whole lot of pain because the small amount of pleasure he was getting kept him engaged. Just like a drg addict.

[zevahc]

Throughout my Affair i can now see how very much "on the edge" of becoming mentally unstable I was, I am still not fully recovered, far from it and there are days when my emotions take complete control and I feel like I cant go on any longer.

 

Obsession: I never realised how obsessed i was/am over this older married man, I have never been obsessive and find i struggle with these feelings. He was constantly on my mind, day/night and even in my dreams, I would sit by my phone all day and await a text from him, I got extremely sad and upset if he did not text within a 3 hour period. I found myself obsessing of ways to get closer and make him love me more.

 

Dangerous: When the Affair was discovered my mind went into overdrive and I went full scale bat ass crazy, I destroyed my home, smashing and kicking things, after a few confrontations with his wife I literally had to barricade myself in my apartment because givin the chance I think I would have hurt her. I thought of ways to ruin her life I wanted to so much.

 

Competitiveness: The sex was great, why ? Because I made it so, I went out of my way to please him I was competing with his wife and I won, I gave him pleasure he had never experienced before (and also myself) I researched sexual positions and how to fully please a man (obsessed) She had no chace she didnt know how crazy I was for him.

When he and his wife had small disagreements I was there to tell him he was right (even though in my mind I know he wasnt) I was always competing.

 

Addiction: I was addicted to his crumbs, the small texts where he called me the most beautiful girl in the world or he was thinking about me made me soo happy and on a high. It was the best drug in world.

 

Now I wish I could take a drug to forget him.

 

Please note I am not in this frame of my mind anymore I am far from recovered but im finally starting to get my emotions under control once more and keep my mind occupied as not to obsess about him. What I find absurd in all this is how easily I became a crazy person over an old married man, I had lots of male attention and I was not interested in anyone except from him.

 

The mind boggles indeed

 

I'm a OM but believe me I feel the same way. So many ups and downs. Past few days down and I even contacted my therapist to see if I can get in earlier than scheduled. I feel so freaking screwed up. I'm supposed to be moving on but how??? Some days it seems to work. Next it hits me and I feel like I'm losing one of the best things that ever happened to me. It's such a frustrating process. A consequence of all this...I hate that I want her in my life so bad. I hate this addiction. I do love her, can't have her. And this is so unhealthy!!! Wish there was a faster fix.

[KathyM]

I don't think people are meant to share the person they love with someone else.

Amen to that. People are meant to have a partner they can count on, to be there when they need them, and to be freely and openly available to love. Not someone you have to share with someone else, or you have to hide, and only have stolen moments to bond with. An affair can be addictive, because of its elicit nature that leaves you longing for more. But it is also an unfulfilling relationship with someone you cannot count on, and cannot have access to, except for some stolen moments when he can get away for awhile. Very unfulfilling when you think about it.

[jlola]

“If you don’t know love, someone will come along and teach you how to hate yourself, then you’ll confuse the two!”

No one can tell you all that love is, but I can tell you what it isn’t. One thing that I’ve found to be true is that REAL LOVE doesn’t hurt – at all. And when you are hurting, it’s not from a place of love! Don’t confuse the two.

If your partner isn’t adding to you then they are taking away from you. It is very possible to have a relationship without any love in it. So please don’t label a toxic relationship as love. It’s part of the reason why love has a bad name today.

Before you can love anyone, you must first love yourself. A part of loving yourself is being strong enough to let someone go so that the both of you can grow. Then take time to learn what real love is and what a healthy relationship is. Then, and only then, are you ready to enter into a relationship.

Love speaks languages of it’s own and pain isn’t one of them.

[TheOW]

This thread is really hard to read. It reminds me of why I always tell peopel not to do it. I know that I'm lucky with what I have, but I know that so many times it isn't that way, and that even with what I have... there are such drawbacks. I don't talk about the hard parts here. There have been some really cruel things said to me and because of that I don't like to leave myself vulnerable to more but I think this thread calls for me to talk about of my "not so happy" moments.

 

I remember I was in the hospital and he couldn't get away, and had let my call go to voicemail. I was laying there sobbing and wanting nothing more than to have him holding my hand. My hair was SOAKED with tears by the time the nurse came in and my bp was all over the place and I coudln't breathe... they had to sedate me. Ironically, the reason I was in wasn't even that serious, I'd have been able to go home by morning but it ended up that way because I was so upset and he didn't take my call. I felt so bad because I felt abandoned and it hurt so much. I ended up spending 3 days there and I could have done almost anything when I got out. I wanted to show up on his door, show him the bruises from my IV, scream at him in front of whoever, I wouldn't have really cared, because it hurt to know that while I was there, feeling sick and scared and alone, he was off with someone else.

 

It took us a long time to recover from that and I don't know if we would have been ok through many instances like that.

 

I don't think people are meant to share the person they love with someone else.

 

Thank you for sharing this LFH

 

Everyone talks about the highs of the A how good it makes us feel, how we are "happy" with it but lows are lower than low, they are soul destroying.

 

I remember one evening he went out with his wife and friends and we were having a discussion about "us" he stopped texting during the evening and did not text until 4am ! Its sad to say but I could not sleep until he texted me, that evening I was crying so hard, I think I was on the verge of a panic attack thinking about what he was doing, where was he? was he still with his wife ? was he with someone else ? are they having sex ? why wont he text me its very unusual for him, thousands of negative thoughts racing through my mind, thousands of different emotions as well, I didnt think emotions could physically hurt you but they are worse !

[jlola]

Well i have to say you have never been IN LOVE. that is the initial experience of being in love' date=' obviously it changes to loving someone, which is quite diffferent fortunately. Cannot explain colours to the blind.[/quote']

 

 

Funny you say that, I have been in love. this time it did not bring pain, but growth and understanding. Also crazy making,highs and lows manipulation,drama is not the first part of love.

 

Feeling nervous,hopeful,uncertain,wanting to find common ground and wanting to please is.

Edited June 18, 2013 by jlola

[ladydesigner]

Originally Posted by AtheistScholar

I like the addiction reference because it explains how the lack of compassion for others and extreme selfishness can reach such pathological level. From the outside looking in its easy to assume the person is just a dirt bag, but when you consider how addiction makes people forget everything but meeting their needs its slightly easier to understand how folks can get that way....

 

You have little and absolutely no comprehension but bitterness to add to this thread. I am sorry for you. I hope you never find yourself in this situation.

 

I find that MOST A's are exactly like addictions. Most people who have A's have addictive qualities. Addiction explains very well why it is so hard to let go of a toxic relationship and this applies to both BS's and OW's. Having an A in itself is pathological, but that is IMO. I am a fMOW too so been there done that.