Dangerous side to an Affair .. obsession & addiction

[ComingInHot]

J'adore, Be nice.

 

TheOW,

How are you doing today? Better I hope! I'm going to say it again because it's important for you to hear it over & over & over & .... *

You Are Doing Really Great!!!

I think you have grown more just from your own introspection than some do after years of therapy.

You said it yourself, you have been able to give your children More of you lately and that means that you ARE healing!

 

You are able to see that the behavior you exhibited and the feelings that you felt were not necessarily the real you but probably the overflow of what can happen in an A situation. I KNOW you are so SO good. Look at how far you have come from your first post here. It truly is amazing.

 

I will just be your cheer leading section (or peanut gallery whichever you need at any given time*) to remind you of where you have been and how Far you have come.!!

CHEERS**

CIH

[Goodbye]

This thread is really hard to read. It reminds me of why I always tell peopel not to do it. I know that I'm lucky with what I have, but I know that so many times it isn't that way, and that even with what I have... there are such drawbacks. I don't talk about the hard parts here. There have been some really cruel things said to me and because of that I don't like to leave myself vulnerable to more but I think this thread calls for me to talk about of my "not so happy" moments.

 

I remember I was in the hospital and he couldn't get away, and had let my call go to voicemail. I was laying there sobbing and wanting nothing more than to have him holding my hand. My hair was SOAKED with tears by the time the nurse came in and my bp was all over the place and I coudln't breathe... they had to sedate me. Ironically, the reason I was in wasn't even that serious, I'd have been able to go home by morning but it ended up that way because I was so upset and he didn't take my call. I felt so bad because I felt abandoned and it hurt so much. I ended up spending 3 days there and I could have done almost anything when I got out. I wanted to show up on his door, show him the bruises from my IV, scream at him in front of whoever, I wouldn't have really cared, because it hurt to know that while I was there, feeling sick and scared and alone, he was off with someone else.

 

It took us a long time to recover from that and I don't know if we would have been ok through many instances like that.

 

I don't think people are meant to share the person they love with someone else.

 

 

LFH, what an awful situation. Your reaction is understandable. I also had what I know call a "melt down" back in December. The stress of keeping the relationship under wraps was too much. My exMM had cancelled a visit with me and it was eating me up inside. I became so despondent that my parents came to help me and I couldn't even explain to them why I was so acutely sad, because I didn't want them to know I was involved with a MM. So I blamed it on adjusting to life as a divorced woman.

[zevahc]

Thank you for sharing this LFH

 

Everyone talks about the highs of the A how good it makes us feel, how we are "happy" with it but lows are lower than low, they are soul destroying.

 

I remember one evening he went out with his wife and friends and we were having a discussion about "us" he stopped texting during the evening and did not text until 4am ! Its sad to say but I could not sleep until he texted me, that evening I was crying so hard, I think I was on the verge of a panic attack thinking about what he was doing, where was he? was he still with his wife ? was he with someone else ? are they having sex ? why wont he text me its very unusual for him, thousands of negative thoughts racing through my mind, thousands of different emotions as well, I didnt think emotions could physically hurt you but they are worse !

 

I sympahize. The highs are high....and I do know I loved her...but man...the lows are painful. Would I go back at this point and say I wished it hadn't happened...honestly I'm not there yet. I really deeply and truly love the MW...but...i know it isn't wasn't right...timing, situation, everything is and was wrong. But I don't regret having loved. But the lows...well, those are my consequences....and I've been super depressed...hating life...miss her every waking moment...I'm still not saying I would have wished to have not met her...but I sure wish I had a way out of the heartache.

[LilGirlandOW]

I remember one evening he went out with his wife and friends and we were having a discussion about "us" he stopped texting during the evening and did not text until 4am ! Its sad to say but I could not sleep until he texted me, that evening I was crying so hard, I think I was on the verge of a panic attack thinking about what he was doing, where was he? was he still with his wife ? was he with someone else ? are they having sex ? why wont he text me its very unusual for him, thousands of negative thoughts racing through my mind, thousands of different emotions as well, I didnt think emotions could physically hurt you but they are worse !

 

I had this same situation, he's only "gone out" with BS once since the beginign of our A, and it was terrible for me, they went with another couple, and yeah he texted me, saying he was dreading going, and then texted about having such a bad time, then at 1am I get three quick texts about oh thank god i',m finally home, what a terrible night, i miss you.. blah blah blah...

 

I waiting like a puppy for his texts instantly replied but never heard anything back until the next day, he obviously texted me quickly from another room, then went to bed with BS... as blind and hopeless as I am to be in this situation,, its very hard to pull one over on me cause I'm curious and an over thinker, so I knew what was going on... got a text next morning about how he passed out on the couch after he texted and such... yeah right!

 

And this was at the begining of the A, if this happened now,, wow I probably wouldnt be able to breathe.

[LilGirlandOW]

Is any other OW in this situation, and I find this aggrivatingly ironic.

 

My MM expects me to not date other men, which I'm fine with cause I wouldnt be able to juggle two without feeling a little "loose" on top of that, he doesnt want me to go out to nightclubs, where I might possibly meet men, or dress in a way "that shows off your rockin body" as he says. So I'm expected as his OW to act like a wife!

 

And sure sure, he says its cause I'm his girlfriend and he's my man, so why do I need to mingle with single men hitting on me, he has literally struck down plans I've made with friends, and talked me into having a bonfire or watching a movie by myself! WHAT!

[zevahc]

Amen to that. People are meant to have a partner they can count on, to be there when they need them, and to be freely and openly available to love. Not someone you have to share with someone else, or you have to hide, and only have stolen moments to bond with. An affair can be addictive, because of its elicit nature that leaves you longing for more. But it is also an unfulfilling relationship with someone you cannot count on, and cannot have access to, except for some stolen moments when he can get away for awhile. Very unfulfilling when you think about it.

 

This is precisely what I keep telling myself...not trying to hijack the thread...but I find myself saying this over and over and over 100 times a day to remind myself that there is more and this isn't how it should be...because truth be told....i feel like the 1% (or less) I get is sometimes stronger than the 99% I don't...instead of getting the 100% I deserve from the right person. These things don't make a lot of logical sense now do they?

[zevahc]

Is any other OW in this situation, and I find this aggrivatingly ironic.

 

My MM expects me to not date other men, which I'm fine with cause I wouldnt be able to juggle two without feeling a little "loose" on top of that, he doesnt want me to go out to nightclubs, where I might possibly meet men, or dress in a way "that shows off your rockin body" as he says. So I'm expected as his OW to act like a wife!

 

And sure sure, he says its cause I'm his girlfriend and he's my man, so why do I need to mingle with single men hitting on me, he has literally struck down plans I've made with friends, and talked me into having a bonfire or watching a movie by myself! WHAT!

 

To me he is WAY out of line. I am a male...OM. My xMW of course is jealous but has never asked me to not date or do other things...i just can't..because she has my heart. It's pathetic and frustrating. But she has never put stipulations...

[ComingInHot]

lilgirl, just reading about your situation makes me dizzy & frustrated. I can tell that it does the same to you ten-fold.

 

It's no wonder your having physical symptoms under such emotional duress!

 

I read you feel No guilt for sleeping w/a MM, or your participating in betraying His Wife & children & family.

I read you have great jealousy of MM's Wife and her life w/him.

I read you want her position & relationship w/Her Husband, to be his Number One.

I read you won't do anything to get what you want and even though you write you don't like it, you'd rather share Her Husband w/her than not have him at all.

 

Why do you do it? Why torture yourself w/this A to the point you become physically ill? It scares me that you are daily living w/the extreme fears of losing that which you don't have and possible Days, potential public lashings, heartbreak so you can get just one more extreme high from a text, a short (or longer) yet always temporary drop in, a kiss, a touch a "lil sugar"...

 

I understand you love him but is al this Still worth it? I think you Should be w/someone who can give you the thrills and passion but also to put you first. Always!!

 

No matter what happens, I believe you do have (possibly somewhere Very deep), compassion for his children, his W & his whole family and yourself*

Please think about telling the truth someday...*

[ComingInSecond]

I couldn't read all the replies but want to thank the OP for this post. I came in tonight needing support. This post was exactly how I am feeling. In fact I have felt so crazy I was wondering if I was like this or will be like this with other relationships. I am a recent ex OW. I am still addicted and obsessed. I will claim and own those titles and work on it. I hope the pain eventually goes away.

[Elfie]

Wounds will heal but the scars will always be there, hopefully one day barely visible but always there as a reminder.

 

As a reminder to never do this again - or to never let anyone do it to me again.

 

Well done OW for working your way through this and sharing it with those of us who aren't out the other end yet (mine is still physically pushing me and grabbing at me for sex when he sees me or catches me where I live, then hooking me back in with sob stories about his wife. I've sent him no end of texts and requests to leave me alone, told him I don't want an A, told him anything to get through to him but nothing works. I don't want to tell his W but have run out of things to try, him being a neighbour and I'm not able to move is tough, guess I deserve it).

 

There are so many quotes in your thread I can relate to - particularly those relating to how an A messes you up. Thank you to all those who are genuinely helping us get through this awful situation.

 

Look after yourself OW, you will get there x

[Elfie]

As a reminder to never do this again - or to never let anyone do it to me again.

 

Well done OW for working your way through this and sharing it with those of us who aren't out the other end yet (mine is still physically pushing me and grabbing at me for sex when he sees me or catches me where I live, then hooking me back in with sob stories about his wife. I've sent him no end of texts and requests to leave me alone, told him I don't want an A, told him anything to get through to him but nothing works. I don't want to tell his W but have run out of things to try, him being a neighbour and I'm not able to move is tough, guess I deserve it).

 

There are so many quotes in your thread I can relate to - particularly those relating to how an A messes you up. Thank you to all those who are genuinely helping us get through this awful situation.

 

Look after yourself OW, you will get there x

 

This was posted in the wrong thread........please ignore, does not relate to this one sorry.

[TheOW]

Is any other OW in this situation, and I find this aggrivatingly ironic.

 

My MM expects me to not date other men, which I'm fine with cause I wouldnt be able to juggle two without feeling a little "loose" on top of that, he doesnt want me to go out to nightclubs, where I might possibly meet men, or dress in a way "that shows off your rockin body" as he says. So I'm expected as his OW to act like a wife!

 

And sure sure, he says its cause I'm his girlfriend and he's my man, so why do I need to mingle with single men hitting on me, he has literally struck down plans I've made with friends, and talked me into having a bonfire or watching a movie by myself! WHAT!

 

Mines was the opposite, he knew i wouldnt date other men its not my nature but he did get jealous when i spoke with others, and truthfully I done it on purpose to make him feel how i felt.

 

He loved it when i dressed up, I have a great figure and i do show it off because i have worked hard to achieve it. My dresses drove him wild and I will admit i got a kick out of it.

[Got it]

Is any other OW in this situation, and I find this aggrivatingly ironic.

 

My MM expects me to not date other men, which I'm fine with cause I wouldnt be able to juggle two without feeling a little "loose" on top of that, he doesnt want me to go out to nightclubs, where I might possibly meet men, or dress in a way "that shows off your rockin body" as he says. So I'm expected as his OW to act like a wife!

 

And sure sure, he says its cause I'm his girlfriend and he's my man, so why do I need to mingle with single men hitting on me, he has literally struck down plans I've made with friends, and talked me into having a bonfire or watching a movie by myself! WHAT!

 

Did you laugh in his face? I would get a comment or two about being jealous if I went out with others and I would just laugh and tell him he has all the power to change things so that doesn't happen. But outside of that, suck it up and like it.

 

And if any man told me how to dress . . . ? Crickets.

[Spark1111]

Throughout my Affair i can now see how very much "on the edge" of becoming mentally unstable I was, I am still not fully recovered, far from it and there are days when my emotions take complete control and I feel like I cant go on any longer.

 

Obsession: I never realised how obsessed i was/am over this older married man, I have never been obsessive and find i struggle with these feelings. He was constantly on my mind, day/night and even in my dreams, I would sit by my phone all day and await a text from him, I got extremely sad and upset if he did not text within a 3 hour period. I found myself obsessing of ways to get closer and make him love me more.

 

Dangerous: When the Affair was discovered my mind went into overdrive and I went full scale bat ass crazy, I destroyed my home, smashing and kicking things, after a few confrontations with his wife I literally had to barricade myself in my apartment because givin the chance I think I would have hurt her. I thought of ways to ruin her life I wanted to so much.

 

Competitiveness: The sex was great, why ? Because I made it so, I went out of my way to please him I was competing with his wife and I won, I gave him pleasure he had never experienced before (and also myself) I researched sexual positions and how to fully please a man (obsessed) She had no chace she didnt know how crazy I was for him.

When he and his wife had small disagreements I was there to tell him he was right (even though in my mind I know he wasnt) I was always competing.

 

Addiction: I was addicted to his crumbs, the small texts where he called me the most beautiful girl in the world or he was thinking about me made me soo happy and on a high. It was the best drug in world.

 

Now I wish I could take a drug to forget him.

 

Please note I am not in this frame of my mind anymore I am far from recovered but im finally starting to get my emotions under control once more and keep my mind occupied as not to obsess about him. What I find absurd in all this is how easily I became a crazy person over an old married man, I had lots of male attention and I was not interested in anyone except from him.

 

The mind boggles indeed

 

Be so, so PROUD of yourself!

 

You have come so far in such a short time that to me, it is obvious you have a great IC and have worked VERY hard to get to this point.

 

Believe in "the fog" now?

 

The game makers now know that the easiest way to create addiction is to ONLY GIVE intermittant reward.

 

It CHANGES brain chemistry.

 

What is an affair if NOT intermittent reward?

[jlola]

Be so, so PROUD of yourself!

 

You have come so far in such a short time that to me, it is obvious you have a great IC and have worked VERY hard to get to this point.

 

Believe in "the fog" now?

 

The game makers now know that the easiest way to create addiction is to ONLY GIVE intermittant reward.

 

It CHANGES brain chemistry.

 

What is an affair if NOT intermittent reward?

 

 

A lot of people do not understand the power of intermittent reward.

 

They do not see if you are receiving a piece of delicious pie you love at random times,little bit of it. It becomes much more wanted than if you had that same pie,s much as you want all the time. You may begin to crave it. If you had it everyday, it would not be so special.

 

Also I noticed some people may view the first stage of love"infatuation" as what love really is. They have no understanding of real love. But equate pain,anxiety,uncertainess,highs and lows with love. This is the problem. Unrealistic views of love make some believe the drama is what "real love" is all about.

 

So when they are in a crazy making relationship, they think all of those feelings equal love because noone has made them feel that way before. They think a calm relationship mean they are not interested and it is not love.

 

I have been in crazy making relationships(not affairs) that mimic affairs. I have felt those uncertainties,over the top romance brought out by certain person(I was the stars,moon,etc),pain,rollercoaster,push-pull. All of it.

 

At those times I gave these men much more value than they deserved.

 

And though I know both the men I THOUGT I was madly in love with did not know about this, they used the same techniques I have seen men talk about when messing with women's minds. People behaving with you in a certain way does change your brain chemistry and you wonder why you are acting so out of character.

 

I went back with one of the ex's I thought was the most amazing man ever a few years back. This after pinning for him for a long time. This time, my eyes were open. Infatuation stage had passed. I saw who he really was and it was such a let down. My views of him during the infatuation stage were much different after time apart and having my head back on.

[jlola]

Mines was the opposite, he knew i wouldnt date other men its not my nature but he did get jealous when i spoke with others, and truthfully I done it on purpose to make him feel how i felt.

 

He loved it when i dressed up, I have a great figure and i do show it off because i have worked hard to achieve it. My dresses drove him wild and I will admit i got a kick out of it.

 

OW,so proud you have woken p! What the heck are you doing wasting your youth,your intelligence,your beauty, your body on some married man??? You can do so much better and even IF you end up alone, it is better than being man a spineless man!!!!

[MissBee]

Did you laugh in his face? I would get a comment or two about being jealous if I went out with others and I would just laugh and tell him he has all the power to change things so that doesn't happen. But outside of that, suck it up and like it.

 

And if any man told me how to dress . . . ? Crickets.

 

Ditto on all counts.

 

In my A, I was like sorry...no matter how you slice and dice it, this is not a normal exclusive relationship therefore you do not get all the privileges therein. Sorry. If you are dating me exclusively, then of course I won't date others...but you don't get to have two girlfriends and then act like I'm "yours". Get real .

 

That attitude didn't really help with the emotional complications and me not being able to love or find someone else because I was emotionally attached to him...however, at least in theory and practice I made it clear that I was gonna do what I wanted in that regard and he either changed things or accept it; mostly, it became a don't ask don't tell kind of deal.