My Ex boyfriend is having threesomes

[alexjames88]

Ok. Here goes. I am gay and I found out my EX boyfriend (age 28) of 9 months found a new 19 year old toyboy and they are looking for threesomes.

 

Before you judge me on thinking about my EX allow me to explain. I am seeking out some sort of counseling to get over my Ex and I will need to work through these issues.

 

Sex was very important to my ex boyfriend. It is to me too. I have had a lot of sexual partners. Love porn. Have been to orgies etc. Though I was always faithful to him.

 

We broke up for my lifestyle reasons and the sex in the end was bad. It just needed something new. I also had erectile problems which did not help things. So I started to retract from sex even though always so high libido because I felt embarrassed.

 

When he broke up with me...We met a lot of times after to talk things over. He was so conflicted. He loved me so much. But he said his head felt we were not compatible. I tried so hard to change my lifestyle of heavy dirnking/smoking and to make things work and to compromize on both sides. He is terrible at communicating.

 

He never in our 9 months relationship even suggested threesomes or anything new, sexually. Yet here he is now doing these things? Why? Why never ask me? I thought of asking him sometimes but thought because "love" and "family" were so important to him. In that he wanted me to be his family.

 

About two months ago I told him I still loved him and understand now where I needed to compromize and stop being so selfish. He said he would reply. Never did. Then I see him on Facebook with this new boy. He knew I was waiting for a reply. I know now it is none of my business if he dates again. I just hoped he would tell me and put me out of my misery. So now I have blocked him on Facebook. I will add him again when I no longer have any feelings and could accept he is dating again. Then there is hope and chance we could just be friends with an EX. I am talking in probably like 6 months here.

 

Just a part of me is really worried I did not know him at all? What if he was cheating on me? Why would he not ask me to do threesome etc then within a few weeks of dating his toyboy there doing it? Just cannot figure him out. A part of me feels like he played me like a violin? Another part feels he did truly love me because it took him so long before he started dating again? Another part hates myself and him for allowing me in limbo for two months for a reply he said he would write and yet he did not. Kept me in the dark instead of just saying "I have a new boyfriend. Totally moved on".

 

I just cannot see him ever being happy and this new relationship of his working? I mean a 28 and 19 year old already threesomes within first few months. I feel like he is having his fill. I sort of feel like he was keeping me in the background whilst he takes all this fresh, new sex? That when this sham of a relationship destroys itself which surely it has to. Then I would of gotten my reply from him?

 

But the love is tearing me apart. Obviously it was starting to turn into jealousy so this is why I severed all contact with him. Because it is not healthy with me or with my ex. But just so annoyed we could not be friends on some level. Had he told me this I really think I would have accepted ok you got a new boyfriend. Let me take my time and then can we talk as friends.

 

I also wanted to add that all I wanted was a simple, honest reply from him. I think I deserved that. After all even with NO CONTACT we were still Facebook friends. If he had wrote a lot and said he still loved me then I would never of spoken to him again because that means he would have been emotionally cheating on his new boyfriend. I want no kind of cheater in my life. But I do think he was cruel for ignoring the message completely.

 

I mean he told me he was in Turkey. This was a few weeks before all the trouble there started. I actually really thought something bad might have happened to him in Turkey and therefore the reason why he could not reply.

 

I just don't understand how he can be so cold? I once travelled to Mexico to meet a boyfriend. He abandoned me in the city within a week. A few years later he Facebooked me. I accepted his apology and started to talk to him again.

Edited June 17, 2013 by alexjames88

[BetrayedH]

Not intended to be too blunt but...

 

He has moved on and so should you. And forget the being "friends" nonsense. You weren't and aren't friends, nor will you be. Keep him blocked on FB and find a new man.

[senoritabonita]

He´s your ex for a reason. Put aside all of the issues the two of you had when together and focus on YOU. YOU are what is important now. I am sure he just met this guy who was into this crazy shizz.. and the guy asked your bf to join in. Who knows what happened between them, but who cares. And who needs a response from him either. I know maybe you need closure but at the end of the day for someone not to even care enough about you to mourn your time with him and instead finds a guy 9 years junior..its like he´s completely heartless and for that you need to forget that shizz and focus on things that make you happy!! YOU are what matters now!!

[alexjames88]

Hi guys. Thanks for your replies. He did wait 9 months before meeting somebody else!

 

I know you all say move on. Which I know one has to.

 

But what I am asking in my initial post is

 

:How should I be viewing this man

: Why can there never, ever be a second chance down the line?

[amaysngrace]

This man puts his sex drive as the number one priority.

 

He's not in it for love.

 

If you want to be with someone like that down the road then that is your choice but don't expect him to change who he is.

[will1988]

maybe you can let your freak flag fly and do things with other men that you never did with him... play the field a bit before setteling down again!

 

good luck!

[alexjames88]

This is what really worries me about him. That sex drive is the number one priority?

 

I suppose I vaguely question whether it was love or lust. For him. Did he play me to get the sex? Or did he really mean it but it just wasn't working for him?

 

One day he will realize the sex drive at number one is vapid and not what he wants?

 

Jesus it is experiences like this that make films like "Fatal Attraction" and "Basic Instinct" so much more heartbreaking and powerful. Did Michael Douglas post a lot on these forums before he made these movies?

[worldgonewrong]

This is what really worries me about him. That sex drive is the number one priority?

 

I suppose I vaguely question whether it was love or lust. For him. Did he play me to get the sex? Or did he really mean it but it just wasn't working for him?

 

One day he will realize the sex drive at number one is vapid and not what he wants?

 

Who cares what he thinks? Are you going to get the answers directly from him? No.

You both are done. Stop picking at the scab.

[whichwayisup]

Don't chase a guy who isn't interested in you anymore. All that does is feed his ego and makes him play the cat and mouse game viciously.

 

You gotta let go of him and shut him out of your life in every possible way. This guy is POISON to you! RUN. Please!

[So happy together]

Sweetheart... don't you feel you deserve someone who IS compatible? Don't give your heart to someone who will not appreciate it.

[alexjames88]

Yes I am letting him go. In my own way. He appreciated it once. Maybe.

 

He was a immigrant from Iran.

 

No job. Lived with his flatmate who helped him with his rent at 28 years old.

 

At the time my flatmate helped me pay the rent too.

 

Now I see his work...He is AMAZING at it.

 

But yes now he does not appreciate my heart. Just at the time I think I did not appreciate his.

 

God I hope I am not going to shut out every man until I die over him...I have already turned down three new relationships...Though I feel I wasn't for them anyway.

 

Christ. Christ. Why you do this to me.

[2sunny]

He is your EX.

 

He can do what he wishes. No need to keep "wondering" why, how - it was for him - that's his to figure out.

 

The past is the past - don't allow it to hurt you in the present.

 

Whatever it was - is over. Best to keep moving forward for your own best interest.

[So happy together]

Yes I am letting him go. In my own way. He appreciated it once. Maybe.

 

He was a immigrant from Iran.

 

No job. Lived with his flatmate who helped him with his rent at 28 years old.

 

At the time my flatmate helped me pay the rent too.

 

Now I see his work...He is AMAZING at it.

 

But yes now he does not appreciate my heart. Just at the time I think I did not appreciate his.

 

God I hope I am not going to shut out every man until I die over him...I have already turned down three new relationships...Though I feel I wasn't for them anyway.

 

Christ. Christ. Why you do this to me.

 

Oh love... this will pass.

[alexjames88]

Please don't abandon me. I am not trying to be obstenate or ignore you all.

 

It is just there is nobody compatible for me right now...other than an addict or recovering addict. I will always be the recovering addict.

 

I dont want that...I wanted more.

[So happy together]

can you tell me vaguely how old you are? 20's? 30's? 40's? So on?

[alexjames88]

I am 24. He is 28

[So happy together]

Oh sweetheart. You are SO young. You'll find so many other loves before you are finished with this world. Appreciate how you love him, but go forward. There are so many other people out there. Hang in there, love.

[alexjames88]

Thanks. I know.

 

But I never wanted Love to be about finding the perfect person. I wanted it to be what has been lost...Either they fire up your heart everytime you see them or they do not...Then you work on a relationship.

 

Now especially in the Gay world it is "oh not so keen on them anymore. move on"...until one day they find themselves alone and obsolete and wonder where it all went wrong. His family are from Iran/Turkey cannot imagine me ever having met them either. But I accepted we would be family together. That is what he wanted. Stupid fool he is for getting it then giving it away again.

 

I will say this for my ex. He missed a damn good thing if he had waited it out with me....My family will never accept I am gay...Told them loads of times...my dad reminds me "you mean she"...oh yes her , sure dad and my grandma has short term memory loss now. Sadly.

 

I just feel the way the relationship world works now is you keep moving on until you are so exhausted with it all you settle for it...when probably 3 partners back was better. We endlessly seem to seek perfection. The perfect partner. Everbody seems to do this. Does not exist. There is somebody you love and if push comes to shove you would give up everything for and you work on the damn relationship. Work and work and then you remember why you loved them in the first place.

 

It seems to me the world is not about relationships anymore. It is about flings with lust masquerading as relationships and love. Just another bad trait of our modern world in my mind.

[So happy together]

Thanks. I know.

 

But I never wanted Love to be about finding the perfect person. I wanted it to be what has been lost...Either they fire up your heart everytime you see them or they do not...Then you work on a relationship.

 

Now especially in the Gay world it is "oh not so keen on them anymore. move on"...until one day they find themselves alone and obsolete and wonder where it all went wrong. His family are from Iran/Turkey cannot imagine me ever having met them either. But I accepted we would be family together. That is what he wanted. Stupid fool he is for getting it then giving it away again.

 

I will say this for my ex. He missed a damn good thing if he had waited it out with me....My family will never accept I am gay...Told them loads of times...my dad reminds me "you mean she"...oh yes her , sure dad and my grandma has short term memory loss now. Sadly.

 

I just feel the way the relationship world works now is you keep moving on until you are so exhausted with it all you settle for it...when probably 3 partners back was better. We endlessly seem to seek perfection. The perfect partner. Everbody seems to do this. Does not exist. There is somebody you love and if push comes to shove you would give up everything for and you work on the damn relationship. Work and work and then you remember why you loved them in the first place.

 

It seems to me the world is not about relationships anymore. It is about flings with lust masquerading as relationships and love. Just another bad trait of our modern world in my mind.

 

Okay... where to begin? I'm sorry that your parents won't accept who you are. Seriously. I just believe in love, whatever its form. If you are both consenting adults what else matters? I would never dream of telling someone that they do not have the right to be loved.

 

As for the relationship thing... you're right. You fight for it, unless it just isn't working, then you let it go.

 

That is what you must decide.

 

oh, I just wish I could hug you. Chin up.

[alexjames88]

You sound just like my Bahrain friends mum .

 

He felt it was not working so stopped fighting for it. I could understand the reasons but could see they can be resolved.

 

 

I told him about my ex boyfriends. He said why did it matter he spoke about his. A bit strange but hey.

 

I mean my exe's before I was sad for a while but never like this...Never like this because I can see it can work he can't. Maybe he felt like I did about my exe's. Sorry to see them go (even though they dumped me) but it was not going to work.

 

To be in his arms again. OMG.

[So happy together]

You sound just like my Bahrain friends mum .

 

He felt it was not working so stopped fighting for it. I could understand the reasons but could see they can be resolved.

 

 

I told him about my ex boyfriends. He said why did it matter he spoke about his. A bit strange but hey.

 

I mean my exe's before I was sad for a while but never like this...Never like this because I can see it can work he can't. Maybe he felt like I did about my exe's. Sorry to see them go (even though they dumped me) but it was not going to work.

 

To be in his arms again. OMG.

 

 

Trust me, you'll find greater loves. Hang in there sweetheart.

[Grumpybutfun]

Thanks. I know.

 

But I never wanted Love to be about finding the perfect person. I wanted it to be what has been lost...Either they fire up your heart everytime you see them or they do not...Then you work on a relationship.

 

Now especially in the Gay world it is "oh not so keen on them anymore. move on"...until one day they find themselves alone and obsolete and wonder where it all went wrong. His family are from Iran/Turkey cannot imagine me ever having met them either. But I accepted we would be family together. That is what he wanted. Stupid fool he is for getting it then giving it away again.

 

I will say this for my ex. He missed a damn good thing if he had waited it out with me....My family will never accept I am gay...Told them loads of times...my dad reminds me "you mean she"...oh yes her , sure dad and my grandma has short term memory loss now. Sadly.

 

I just feel the way the relationship world works now is you keep moving on until you are so exhausted with it all you settle for it...when probably 3 partners back was better. We endlessly seem to seek perfection. The perfect partner. Everbody seems to do this. Does not exist. There is somebody you love and if push comes to shove you would give up everything for and you work on the damn relationship. Work and work and then you remember why you loved them in the first place.

 

It seems to me the world is not about relationships anymore. It is about flings with lust masquerading as relationships and love. Just another bad trait of our modern world in my mind.

 

The "perfect" person for you is the one who sticks with you in an intimate and on-going relationship, who respects you and cares for you enough to work through erectile or any other issues (hope you saw a doctor for this) and who works at it to be the person you grow old with. The butterflies in the stomach thing is fleeting and comes and goes in a long term relationship. I have been married for almost 20 years and there are still days when my stomach is in knots and my heart all aflutter at seeing my spouse. Then there are other days when I have to work hard at being civil because of a bad work day or tiredness. That is real life. It doesn't matter what others desire for their lives, but what you desire for yours. If you want a relationship instead of "lust flings" then that is what you must require for your life...you are worth having what you want, instead of what you think is the norm. You must learn not to accept less than you deserve.

Best of luck,

Grumps