Advice requested: father is unfaithful to my momther

[lena252]

Hello everyone. I am 30 years and my parents have been married for 34 years. Yesterday, my 32-year-old brother discovered that our father has been seeing a "mistress." A "mistress" is a whore who specializes in kinky, fetish, dominatrix type stuff. "Mistresses" apparently make it hurt. My brother's evidence also suggests that our dad has been doing this for a long long time, possibly since the 80s (not with the same whore).

 

My initial feeling was that my mother is an adult and deserves to know. I certainly would want to know if my husband was doing that. But on the other hand, I love my mother and would never want to see her suffer such heartache. I want to do what's right for my mother.

 

My brother's thought is to gather more evidence before telling our mother. I think that my dad's behavior already constitutes betrayal and disrespect. How can my brother and I decide how severe our father's betrayal should be before informing our mom?? Is it our place to rate betrayal in degrees??

 

We are so confused. We are not very comfortable approaching our father and telling him that we know because my dad has, truthfully, become a bit of a prick over the past couple of years. He is often mean and a difficult man to talk to. He jokingly makes fun of people but his comments are completely inappropriate. I mean, he will do really mean fat jokes when there's an obese woman standing right next to him. My mom defends his behavior, saying that he just isn't aging well or that's just "his way." I know my mom loves my dad. My mom takes really good care of her family and is seriously, the sweetest woman in the world so I want her to be happy.

 

Some might argue that it's between my parnets, but my dad is not just having an affair - he's paying to be with people who have been with hundreds or thousands of "clients." What if my dad catches an STD from these whores? What if he then gives it to my mom? Is her blissful ignorance worth that? My dad does not follow a good diet nor does he exercise... how would my mom feel if my dad had a heart attack during one of his "adventures" with a whore and that's how she found out... especially when I knew he was being unfaithful and didn't tell her??

 

What if we tell her and she defends his behavior or brushes it off? Isn't it possible that my brother and I would be shunned? But then again, should we even be concerned about what will happen to us when the most important person in this whole situation is our mother?

 

I would really appreciate some advice.

[Merin]

W w! what an awful situation to be in....

 

Gosh, I wish I knew what the "right" answer was.

 

As you've said, it really is between your Mom and Dad.. but I also understand wanting to protect your mom and her health...

 

Honestly, I think if it were me, I would confront my Dad (with evidence in hand) even if he is an a**hole right now, or even if he turns a**hole during the confrontation.. tell him that he needs to be the one who discloses this information to your Mom.

 

Sheesh... this really is an ugly place to be.

 

Good Luck

[morrigan]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t43676/?highlight=parent+having+affair

 

I hope the above thread helps you make the decision on what to do. It's a terrible situation you have been placed in. I can understand your fear of devastating your mother by having her find out what has been going on.

 

I can also see the agony of every holiday, knowing what your father has done but afraid to say it. But if you decide to be quiet on this issue, be quiet on it permanently--confronting your father and informing your mom 20 years from now may only increase her pain. She may be angry with you that you didn't tell her previously.

 

Either choice is painful--but I personally would confront my father with his affairs, when your mother is not present. I understand how angry and hurt your are, but try to be as calm as you possibly can. If you decide to do this, your brother and yourself should make it clear that you are aware of what he has been doing, and that he needs to be honest with your mother or you will tell her privately. Your father may deny what has been occuring, or he may confess, but tell him that your mother does deserve to hear from him what has been going on.

 

If he is finally honest with your mother, both you and your brother should then stay out of the situation and allow your parents to make a decision regarding their marriage. I don't believe things will ever be the same in your family, but since you have found out about your father's cheating, things probably haven't been the same for your brother or you. Take care.

[overseas2004]

My father was having an affair on my mother for many years. My mother knew about it.

 

I bet your mom knows and never wanted to tell you.

 

I would tell my mom though. Especially stuff like what your father is into. He could give her a disease. Geez... sorry for you.

[myrias]

Extremelly difficult situation... you've just discovered your father is into S&M...

 

Before you crucify him (even though you have every right not to appreciate his fantasies) let me tell you most of these mistresses don't have sex with their costumers, they allow them live their fantasies. Since she's a Mistress, it means your father is submissive and maybe a masochist so she may be just enacting some fantasies he might have of being humiliated or hurted (again since we don't know your father's fantasies this is some especulation based on my acquaintaces in the world of S&M). He doesn't necessary has sex with her, most of the submissive men with "professional" Mistresses don't.

 

Then consider the fact that your mother might know about his fantasies (two decades is a long time to hide a secret, especially considering that he might get bruises from this one). Just imagine she knows, and although she herself doesn't feel the desire to play his fantasies, she allows him to have a Mistress (not the first case I know of). They could even have rules established regarding safety, hygiene, etc. Then imagine the embaressement it would be to know that the whole family knows about your sexual fantasies.

 

I honestly think you should speak first to your father, because he might know something you don't know about. Of course if you realise from the conversation your mother is oblivious to this situation you should then talk to her. Even if your father is becoming a prick you should still give him the benefit of doubt and try to talk to him. Only then will you understand how much your mother knows about this.

[lena252]

I would love to talk to my dad and find out what's going on, but I know he would just deny everything and probably tell me that he does not have to answer to me, which is true I guess. Also I've confronted him before regarding his behavior and it did not go very well. For example, 2 years ago, my mom had gained some weight and during that time, my dad was so mean to her and even called her fat in front of their friends. Whenever she sat down, he'd say that she was "landing" and he'd pretend the floor was shaking when she walked, and he had a comment for her during every meal. She cried a lot when he wasn't around so I tried to talk to him but it didn't go well. (I actually think he might not like me very much because I'm so critical of his mean behavior towards those who love him.) She has since lost a lot of weight (she looks great) and now weighs less than my dad but he's still mean. For example, he's always asking her if she's been to the gym lately, and when she eats something, he asks if she should be having that. But she seems to still love him or at least refuses to really see what's going on.

 

It's interesting to hear that some couples have deals with each other on fulfilling sexual fantasies with someone other than their spouse. But I seriously doubt my mom is aware of his mistresses.

 

Whether or not my dad is having intercourse with these people is generally irrelevant because, assuming my mom is not aware of his behavior, he is still betraying my mom's trust and disrespecting her and their marriage whether or not he is actually having sex. I'm so disgusted with him.

 

Thank you for your advice. It was very helpful. I will share your thoughts with my husband, who has been a less emotionally involved contributor for our decision, and then discuss this with my brother. I'll check in again in a few days with an update. Thanks again.

[myrias]

I would love to talk to my dad and find out what's going on, but I know he would just deny everything and probably tell me that he does not have to answer to me, which is true I guess. Also I've confronted him before regarding his behavior and it did not go very well. For example, 2 years ago, my mom had gained some weight and during that time, my dad was so mean to her and even called her fat in front of their friends. Whenever she sat down, he'd say that she was "landing" and he'd pretend the floor was shaking when she walked, and he had a comment for her during every meal. She cried a lot when he wasn't around so I tried to talk to him but it didn't go well. (I actually think he might not like me very much because I'm so critical of his mean behavior towards those who love him.) She has since lost a lot of weight (she looks great) and now weighs less than my dad but he's still mean. For example, he's always asking her if she's been to the gym lately, and when she eats something, he asks if she should be having that. But she seems to still love him or at least refuses to really see what's going on.

 

Ok, I know he's your father, but if that's his behaviour he's really an a**hole... I understand the difficulty to talk to him.

 

I wish you good luck, although I imagine it will be a no-win situation. If your mother accepts this kind of behaviour from him, then there is a possibility she will also refuse to see this other situation and do nothing about it. You have to prepare yourself for that option too.

 

It's interesting to hear that some couples have deals with each other on fulfilling sexual fantasies with someone other than their spouse.

 

I saw this happening in special cases, but the couple still loved and respected each other very much... by what you described in your father's atitude that's not so much the case.

 

Again, good luck