dumper/dumpee

[Optimus Prime]

Had a question about the whole dumper/dumpee thang because my situation is a bit complicated. This goes for the whole no contact thing, and if we initiate friendship and/or reconcile down the road.

 

Things were going well, but then school started and the stress got to us and completely changed the dynamics of our relationship. I was going to break-up with her just to have some space. It was more of a take a long break apart and let us adjust to our new lives, summer being over, all the hanging out we did, etc. I told her this, but also said to her that maybe we should try and work it out before we go along with that. This may have scared her, I don't know, but I was being honest and communicating.

 

We tried to work it out but things got worse between us. Finally I suggested space and told her to take some because things just weren't right: fighting, stressed, wanting space, etc., and we both knew it. I told her I don't want to break-up, but just take some space. She decided to break-up couple days later. She wanted to be friends, but I rejected. She was very insulted by this. We did have lots of miscommunication between us around our break-up. Just too much tension.

 

So its been about a month. No contact from either party. We've ran into one another and both are awkward and hurt by the fallout. Technically she decided the actual break-up, even though I did hint at it with her for a while, but then I rejected the friendship. Was wondering who should initiate contact down the road? Me because I told her no to friends and to stay away? Her because she decided? It's like a power struggle that we are doing, and I am willing to bend, but don't know who should contact. We were both pretty hurt and angry from the break-up. I have moved on in a sense, but still miss her in my life. I have met other girls, but this was the best relationship I ever had and still miss it. I don't know how she's doing, other than just busy, or if she's willing to speak yet. I want to contact her, but she decided to end, yet I said no to friends. Just move on and if she calls she calls?

[Weird]

situation sounds a lot like mine from last year.

 

i say you dont play the game of who contacts who but if you really need an answer then i would say she should be the one who first makes contact because she officially broke it off.

 

remember though humans (especially woen) can be stubborn and sit there and wait for someone to do something so there is a chance she may want to contact you donw the road but wont because she is waiting for you ot make the first move. I had that situation where I knew my ex wanted to contact me but she was too pussy to do it and after she would sorta drop hints by showing up on my IM program to see if I would message her I finally caved and emailed her. She eventually got up the courage to see me in person and apologize for acting like a jackass last year. So I basically had to show her my door was open for ehr to contact me...and then I had to kick her threw the door because she would never have done it on her own.

[backspn]

Weird...u are so right on. She wont make the first move so you'll have to send her a email or a text or something to get her attention so she knows its ok to call you. Even though women can be mean and nasty sometimes.....like Billy Joel sings....."she's always a woman to me". They are still irresistable and sweet sometimes and they do need strong men in their lives. Give her space and in a couple months when she knows what its like to not be with you anymore.....make contact. I am more than positive you guys can make it work if you guys are like you say you are.

[Optimus Prime]

Thank you for the replies.

 

I will just hold off for a bit. I guess what I really want to do is re-open that door because I slammed it when we broke up by saying no to friends and just good bye, no more contact. I did this out of emotion. I was obviosly hurt, as was she.

 

When school started we both had pain from our relationship and talked abotu ending it just so the pain would go away. Maybe she was stronger and did the right thing by ending it, or maybe she just gave up. We both felt sort of relieved knowing that it was over because that pain went away, but after a while the grieving period hit. I'm over the sadness/anger/etc. now, and just miss her. I don't want to pick things up from where we left off. It' s more like rebuild a relationship between us. So maybe start off as friends and see where it'll hopefully take us - slowly rebuild. But being a man, I know that women think with their feelings, so I know that it'll require some work on my part, just by being the guy that she fell for in the first place. If it's ment to be, then it'll work itself out in due time.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by Optimus Prime

If it's meant to be, then it'll work itself out in due time.

 

This is so true, and yet so hard to accept. It takes a strong person to be able to recognize this, and I hope that you will continue to remain positive about your situation. As they say, if something is meant to be, it will come back to you. We like to sometimes think we can mold our romantic future, but when it comes to a relationship, the only thing you have control of are your feelings and your emotions. The hardest lesson I have learned is the one where they say you can't make someone love you. But that lesson made me realize that one man or one woman can only do so much - everything else is really up to fate.

[Weird]

Agreed.

 

I finally realized the "if it is meant to happen it will" philosophy in the sumemr and it has made dealing with stuff way easier and I no longer feel the need to press or as you say "mold" things to be how I hope they will be.

 

It does take a lot of patience to stick to that philosophy though.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by Weird

Agreed.

 

I finally realized the "if it is meant to happen it will" philosophy in the sumemr and it has made dealing with stuff way easier and I no longer feel the need to press or as you say "mold" things to be how I hope they will be.

 

It does take a lot of patience to stick to that philosophy though.

 

It certainly takes patience, but as long as you remain focused on this fact, it can be done. The problem is that love is such a strong force that it can overpower our sense of logic and reason. I have found that those folks who don't have a good support system of friends, etc., are much more vulnerable to believing that they can shape their own future. You really need others to set you back on the right train of thought when you are caught in the middle of an emotional situation. Until I started talking to some of my college buddies, I just layed around trying to think of those few magic words that would get my ex back. They made me realize that the best words are often silent and just to worry about my happiness.

[Optimus Prime]

It did take me a while to realize that if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. Like was mentioned, it came from hanging out with lots of old friends, college friends, family, etc. I had a tremendous support network to work with and talked about nothing but her until all the negative emotions came out of my system. Our relationship was great and healthy, but our break up was pretty ugly: tense, disrespectful, mean comments, etc. All the negativity that I had stemmed from the break up and the sudden tense times right before we broke up.

 

Now I rarely talk about her, but I still do think about her. Staying busy with school, planning my own future and doing the things that I enjoy doing have all helped. I realize that now it is completely out of my control, and all that I can conrol are my own thoughts, actions and behaviors, whereas I was trying to control the situation by making it work when she for whatever reasons was not willing to do that up to a point and I was maybe forcing it.

Also fully realizing that it is over between us has helped me move on. If we come back together in the future then surely there will still be chemistry and history, but it will be starting from the beginning again.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by Optimus Prime

It did take me a while to realize that if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. Like was mentioned, it came from hanging out with lots of old friends, college friends, family, etc. I had a tremendous support network to work with and talked about nothing but her until all the negative emotions came out of my system. Our relationship was great and healthy, but our break up was pretty ugly: tense, disrespectful, mean comments, etc. All the negativity that I had stemmed from the break up and the sudden tense times right before we broke up.

 

Now I rarely talk about her, but I still do think about her. Staying busy with school, planning my own future and doing the things that I enjoy doing have all helped. I realize that now it is completely out of my control, and all that I can conrol are my own thoughts, actions and behaviors, whereas I was trying to control the situation by making it work when she for whatever reasons was not willing to do that up to a point and I was maybe forcing it.

Also fully realizing that it is over between us has helped me move on. If we come back together in the future then surely there will still be chemistry and history, but it will be starting from the beginning again.

 

Nobody likes to be alone, but if we remember how tough true love is to find, it becomes clear that everyone else goes through the same trials and tribulations. I subscribe to the "a watched pot never boils" cliche` - defining moments in your life, like meeting that perfect someone, often happen when you least expect it. Until they do, you just have to live life to the fullest.

 

I want to be friends with my ex because I realize people change. However, this change usually takes many years (I'd say at least 5) and never happens overnight. I may not want to be with her now, but I don't want to eliminate the possibility of something way down the road. Sometimes things will come full circle, but you have to be patient for that as well.

[Weird]

iceisles

 

exactly man, I agree.

 

Right now I don't want to be with my ex because she hasn't changed things about her that I would need to be changed (like the fact she can't deal with rough spots in the relationship and has communication issues) but I would not close the door to the chance she will mature emotionally and these issues I have with her will be fixed and hey, maybe then we could try things out again. As for now, I am cool with just hanging out with her.

 

It is all about just continuing to live life and have fun (and mature and become a better person) and if things happen then cool, if not then oh well.