Can Divorce Ever Be Unemotional?

[iris219]

I met my bf when he was separated. I was apprehensive because I thought he might an emotional mess, but he told he was better than he had been in years. He said they had been unhappy for most of their marriage and they had lived separate lives in order to remain together for the kids as long as they did. While they initially disagreed on some financial matters, she seems happy about the divorce too.

 

Do you believe people can have no lingering negative emotions about their divorce? Can they actually feel mostly positive ones instead?

[mammasita]

Why not? Anything is possible. I was separated for a few years before being legally divorced. I had no emotions at all about it when it came time to finalize.

 

Is he divorced already?

[iris219]

Why not? Anything is possible. I was separated for a few years before being legally divorced. I had no emotions at all about it when it came time to finalize.

 

Is he divorced already?

 

Yes, it was recently finalized. I can understand a lack of emotions after a few years, but he was fine, according to him, as soon as they separated. He claimed to be happy for the first time in years. He said it was a huge relief.

 

Do you feel like he's not telling you the truth?

 

No, I think he's being honest with me, but I wonder if he's allowing himself to feel the painful emotions concerning his divorce.

 

I guess I can't imagine not feeling awful about getting divorced, but I've never been in an unhappy marriage, so maybe I can't relate.

[macy]

I think most people will have some lingering issues. Some more than others. Many don't even realize it. What does your gut think?

[iris219]

I think most people will have some lingering issues. Some more than others. Many don't even realize it. What does your gut think?

 

I know he has issues with the fact that stayed in a marriage that made him miserable for so long. He says he regrets that constantly and is angry with himself for doing so. I hope he's reflected on why he stayed so long with someone who didn't make him happy. I want him to have learned something from the negative experience.

 

Based on the above alone, I imagine he has some lingering issues.

 

Personally I can't imagine it not being emotional especially with children involved. This must be emotional for the children.

 

I could see some one being unemotional about something like this, but that's not the way I am.

 

I agree, but he says he feels like he has a better relationship with his children now.

 

He definitely stayed in the marriage because of the effects he imagined it would have on the children, but they seem to be OK. I can't say for sure that they are though.

Edited June 17, 2013 by iris219

[carhill]

Do you believe people can have no lingering negative emotions about their divorce? Can they actually feel mostly positive ones instead?

 

In the case of your example, time will bear out the truth of his words. It's one thing to make those statements and quite another to live them over time so, as in many things, time will tell.

 

I think it is impossible for divorce to be completely unemotional for an emotionally healthy person, regardless of how amicable both parties are or intend to be, and even more so where there are children involved. A once loving union has died, presuming the partners married for love. At minimum, there is grief for that death.

 

In our case, our divorce was amicable but there's no way I'd state it was unemotional. That would be a lie. I dated while I was separated after we had filed for divorce and did enjoy those interactions but chose to terminate dating when the processes of divorcing become more time and emotionally intensive, as well as doing end of life care for my mother. I feel dating should be positive and uplifting and didn't think it fair nor productive to socialize during a time of distress and grief. Those were my burdens to bear.

 

Be watchful for actions to match the words you've heard, should you choose to continue. Good luck.

[iris219]

In the case of your example, time will bear out the truth of his words. It's one thing to make those statements and quite another to live them over time so, as in many things, time will tell.

 

I think it is impossible for divorce to be completely unemotional for an emotionally healthy person, regardless of how amicable both parties are or intend to be, and even more so where there are children involved. A once loving union has died, presuming the partners married for love. At minimum, there is grief for that death.

 

In our case, our divorce was amicable but there's no way I'd state it was unemotional. That would be a lie. I dated while I was separated after we had filed for divorce and did enjoy those interactions but chose to terminate dating when the processes of divorcing become more time and emotionally intensive, as well as doing end of life care for my mother. I feel dating should be positive and uplifting and didn't think it fair nor productive to socialize during a time of distress and grief. Those were my burdens to bear.

 

Be watchful for actions to match the words you've heard, should you choose to continue. Good luck.

 

This might be what makes my bf's divorce less emotional. He married her because he thought it was the right thing to do. She got pregnant and he comes from a conservative Southern family. I assume he loved her at one point or at least convinced himself that he did, though he's never actually said he had strong feelings for her to me. I asked one time if he stayed because he loved her so much and he no, that wasn't the case at all.

 

He tells me has already dealt with all the difficult emotional stuff throughout the marriage. He says he feels like he can finally enjoy his life now after years of not being able to, and I want to believe him.

 

Part of me feels terrible that he was miserable for 10 years and another part feels like it was his fault for staying with someone he was unhappy with so I sometimes don't have much sympathy.

[carhill]

As his divorce is apparently final (easy to check) and he has made statements about his current emotional health such as "He says he feels like he can finally enjoy his life now after years of not being able to", then accept those disclosures as valid and expect his behaviors to conform to them moving forward. If you note canaries singing, like if his behaviors or words aren't matching up with what you've shared here, then process it at that time.

[aMguilts]

hi iris

 

are you looking for something to be wrong with him?

he sounds like he`s someone that is happy to be finally free and able to breath again?

 

"He tells me has already dealt with all the difficult emotional stuff throughout the marriage. He says he feels like he can finally enjoy his life now after years of not being able to, and I want to believe him.

 

Part of me feels terrible that he was miserable for 10 years and another part feels like it was his fault for staying with someone he was unhappy with so I sometimes don't have much sympathy."

 

i don`t understand why you feel terrible or even blame him for his past

it`s the past.

We have ALL made mistakes in the past!

whats the saying? `let him without sin cast the 1st stone`?

 

why do you doubt the way he got over it?

 

aM

[worldgonewrong]

If you're divorcing Spock, then yes, divorce can be unemotional.

[iris219]

hi iris

 

are you looking for something to be wrong with him?

he sounds like he`s someone that is happy to be finally free and able to breath again?

 

"He tells me has already dealt with all the difficult emotional stuff throughout the marriage. He says he feels like he can finally enjoy his life now after years of not being able to, and I want to believe him.

 

Part of me feels terrible that he was miserable for 10 years and another part feels like it was his fault for staying with someone he was unhappy with so I sometimes don't have much sympathy."

 

i don`t understand why you feel terrible or even blame him for his past

it`s the past.

We have ALL made mistakes in the past!

whats the saying? `let him without sin cast the 1st stone`?

 

why do you doubt the way he got over it?

 

aM

 

It boggles my mind that someone would stay with someone who made them miserable for years, so this fact makes me feel like there must be something wrong with him. He also has a lot of good qualities and would be attractive to a lot women, yet he stayed with someone who had a lot of bad qualities, according to him. It makes me wonder if he has low self-esteem or a fear of being alone.

 

Why else would someone stay in a marriage that makes them very unhappy? I guess people do this all the time, but I don't get why you would choose to be unhappy. I guess it's different when you have children with someone.

[trippi1432]

It is different when you have children, you have other lives that you bear responsibility for. Their welfare, security and happiness. When people say they were miserable and stayed in the marriage, they lost sight of their own happiness or how to find their own happiness. Most times, they put their happiness in their partner...who of course will fail them.

[iris219]

It is different when you have children, you have other lives that you bear responsibility for. Their welfare, security and happiness. When people say they were miserable and stayed in the marriage, they lost sight of their own happiness or how to find their own happiness. Most times, they put their happiness in their partner...who of course will fail them.

 

My bf says they stayed married for so long because they largely lived separate lives. He would watch the kids so she could go out and vice versa. They didn't depend on each for happiness because they realized long ago that wasn't going to happen. Occasionally they would try to have a "real" marriage and that was always a disaster; they found "together but separate" was the way to make their marriage work. If she had been willing to have sex more than rarely, I suspect my bf would have stayed.

Edited June 17, 2013 by iris219

[trippi1432]

So, in other words, neither of them cared to spend their own quality time with each other. That was a disaster when they did? Understand, pursuing your own interests and working together so it is agreeable to all it affects is correct, but not taking time to spend quality time with each other (not always sex) breaks it down to a non-satisfying marriage.

 

Has your boyfriend stated how he will not let this affect your relationship with him?

[GuyInLimbo]

I think certain people may go through the "mourning" stage way before they inform the other spouse it's over. So, it's certainly possible. Go with what your gut says.

[aMguilts]

It boggles my mind that someone would stay with someone who made them miserable for years, so this fact makes me feel like there must be something wrong with him. He also has a lot of good qualities and would be attractive to a lot women, yet he stayed with someone who had a lot of bad qualities, according to him. It makes me wonder if he has low self-esteem or a fear of being alone.

 

Why else would someone stay in a marriage that makes them very unhappy? I guess people do this all the time, but I don't get why you would choose to be unhappy. I guess it's different when you have children with someone.

 

they got married and had kids

just because he stayed with her for years, miserable or not, doesn`t mean the guy has issues!

maybe she changed?

maybe she suffered from post natal depression and made his life hell but he stuck around cos he`s a nice guy and was hoping he could help her and that maybe she`d just snap the f*** out of it and they`d live happilly ever after??

 

who knows?

to be blunt

you seem to be the 1 with low self-esteem to be questioning his past in the 1st place

He`s moved on

why don`t you move on with him??

 

aM

[aMguilts]

Why else would someone stay in a marriage that makes them very unhappy?

 

out of all the ppl i know, i know of only 2 ppl that are `happilly married`

sorry, 2 couples.

Life isn`t all roses and red carpets or winning lottery tickets every day

 

Everyone has something on their mind or something that is making them `unhappy`

 

sooo, how long have you been with this guy?

and why are you trying to change him??

 

aM

Edited June 17, 2013 by aMguilts

[tbf]

iris, how long have they lived separately and how long did they separate, prior to your dating and relationship?

[iris219]

they got married and had kids

just because he stayed with her for years, miserable or not, doesn`t mean the guy has issues!

maybe she changed?

maybe she suffered from post natal depression and made his life hell but he stuck around cos he`s a nice guy and was hoping he could help her and that maybe she`d just snap the f*** out of it and they`d live happilly ever after??

 

who knows?

to be blunt

you seem to be the 1 with low self-esteem to be questioning his past in the 1st place

He`s moved on

why don`t you move on with him??

 

aM

 

Low self-esteem isn't the issue for me. I'm scared. The advice I keep seeing over and over is never date a man who's separated. Well, that's when we started dating. Then I hear never date someone recently divorced. Well, that's what I'm doing. I feel like I'm making foolish decisions and doing everything "wrong."

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm setting myself up to be hurt, even though my bf has been amazing thus far. I'm not trying to change him! I love him the way he is, but I don't him to wake up one day and realize he's not over his divorce.

 

iris, how long have they lived separately and how long did they separate, prior to your dating and relationship?

 

They lived separately for several months before we started we dating. He says the marriage was over way before they officially separated.

[tbf]

They lived separately for several months before we started we dating. He says the marriage was over way before they officially separated.

The timing is key, in that it takes time for people to break from the habitual nature of marriage and family, even if it's a relief to get out of an unhappy marriage.

 

If he knee-jerk reacts in any way, I'd be looking towards him bailing from relationships too soon since that was a major problem for him within the marriage, remaining for way too long, where he's expressed disappointment in his past behaviour.

[zoobadger]

My gut says you should be very wary. So does yours or you wouldn't have asked the question.

[SuperGeek]

It took me three years to get over my marriage. I'm mostly recovered, but struggling a bit with trust issues. It's so hard to trust again after getting hurt so bad just a few years ago. Dating is even a challenge for me, because it's so overwhelming.

 

Everyone is different though.

Edited June 18, 2013 by SuperGeek

[iris219]

The timing is key, in that it takes time for people to break from the habitual nature of marriage and family, even if it's a relief to get out of an unhappy marriage.

 

If he knee-jerk reacts in any way, I'd be looking towards him bailing from relationships too soon since that was a major problem for him within the marriage, remaining for way too long, where he's expressed disappointment in his past behaviour.

 

Since they lived largely separate lives, I'm not sure how habitual their family life was. They had separate friends and separate hobbies. The habitual nature of the relationship was that they tried to avoid each other as much as possible. His ex may have been dating her current bf before they separated. My bf said he didn't care what she did if it got her out the house more often.

 

My gut says you should be very wary. So does yours or you wouldn't have asked the question.

 

My gut tells me that our relationship is perfect , but then I read horror stories about dating the recently divorced, so I start to wonder if I'm making a foolish decision.

[GuyInLimbo]

Low self-esteem isn't the issue for me. I'm scared. The advice I keep seeing over and over is never date a man who's separated. Well, that's when we started dating. Then I hear never date someone recently divorced. Well, that's what I'm doing. I feel like I'm making foolish decisions and doing everything "wrong."

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm setting myself up to be hurt, even though my bf has been amazing thus far. I'm not trying to change him! I love him the way he is, but I don't him to wake up one day and realize he's not over his divorce.

 

 

 

They lived separately for several months before we started we dating. He says the marriage was over way before they officially separated.

 

Iris, I think, if anything, you just need to keep your eyes and mind open - which I think you are doing. I think it's a positive sign you are at least THINKING about this. How many people ignore or have no idea about a person's emotional health post-divorce or separation? Just by being aware of the red flags is a smart move. Stay on your toes. If you start seeing things that concern you, address them right away or get out of the relationship.

[orionboxing]

Some men go through delayed grief. I would caution you of this. All it will take is a traumatic event to recharge buried thoughts about a particularly painful event in their lives. He may come to realize that he actually did love some things about his ex, and now that it has passed and there is nothing he can do, he might sink into a some sort of a depression.

 

I'm not sure what this guy is like...but I would remind myself of what he went through and tread lightly. Divorce is particularly traumatic event and can level even the toughest of individuals.