Will space make her realize?

[jerryh]

First time posting here. I'v was with my O/H for 5 years and always saw her as the one I would spend my life with. Last week she said she had become bored with our relationship and it had become routine with the spark missing and she didnt love me. we took a week break and at the end she broke up with me. However when we met two days after to give our things back we kissed she said she loved me and she wanted everyday to be like that. I agreed to make things more exciting for her and arranged a date the next day.

 

A half hour before we met she text saying it was too much too fast for her, she couldnt be expected for things to just go back to normal. I kept texting her until she responed saying she needs to be on her own at the moment and that she loves me but its not enough. I know your all going to say no contact and that and I will, but do you think she just needs space from such a long relationship and will then realise how she feels? I'm finding it hard to let go after the last day and the fact she still loves me, anyone help me!We were incredibley close until the last few months where I have been studying very hard for my finals as i have a job lined up after.

 

We fought alot and we missed each other and I ended up just being a horrible person too her. But thats all over now! She said that she felt bad fr having to give out to me all the time when I did things wrong and that I showed no interest in driving and was hurt because she had to have a part time job and I didnt have one. That wasnt through not looking and I still am and I'm doing my theory tomorrow so hopefully she can see that I'm trying.she just said she didnt want to keep nagging me and feel like an old married couple that she was too young for it. her friend said she been unhappy a while but was always happy when we did things outside the common things like watching tv ect. Just the last day we met is playing with my mind!

 

Can anyone offer any advice or was anyone in a similar situation?

Edited June 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs

[iouaname]

Honestly - no. I don't believe that there is a way to make someone miss you or realize. My ex broke up with me and we spent two months in contact and that didn't help him "realize." Then I didn't speak to him for another two months and that only helped him get over me quicker. The only real option is to take care of yourself and do what is best for you. There is no way to change the other person's feelings. You'll only do more damage if you try.

[jerryh]

Thank you very much, just head all messed up.

[RespectfullyAlone]

None of us here know your girl, or would know why she doesn't feel the same as she once did for you.

 

I feel for you. I am in a similar situation myself, but after 6 months I can say for a fact, I have not see any signs she is missing me. No messages asking how I'm doing, wishing me well, nothing. And since my parents and family see her at Church and other functions, even relating to her and stuff, she has not once asked about me.

 

So time and space havn't made any difference. She's engaged to her new guy, planning on being married towards the end of the year and that's that. Yet why does my heart and head still love her, still want her back, still every single day I open my email, hope... hope. It's all for nothing.

 

If your girl is unhappy, without her telling you why, or if it's anything you can change, I imagine would drive you crazy. If she doesn't appreciate the work you are putting in to further your chances of having a nice career, then that's not such a great sign either. Maybe she doesn't feel she is where she wants to be in this stage of her life.

 

If you love her, which you seem to show you do, then it doesn't really matter how you approach her in wanting to address things, since if she loves you too, all that will matter is your intent, your willingness, your sincerity. If she starts picking you apart, and criticizing you for all kinds of things, or using them as example as to why she wants to breakup, then experience tells me those aren't the real reasons. She may not be telling you to save you some hurt, or she simply isn't the person you thought she was, and has other motives or things in mind.

[eleve82]

Space isn't really what she needs - what she needs to see is that it is possible for things to liven up. It's true that falling into a routine is dangerous esp if at a young age all you are doing is a hanging out at home. 5 years is a long time to just throw in the towel of go NC in the vain hope of trying to get her to miss you - it won't work. Personally I'd let things loosen up, try to remember how things were like when you two first went out - did you guys try new activities together, travel, etc? Boredom has a way of making one wonder if the problem lies with the other person instead of the quality of interaction. Try establishing contact, be yourself and invite her to new activities where the two of you can have fun and just rediscover how it was like to have a good time together. Be sweet to her, the way you would when you are first out with a date and don't take her for granted.

 

Just my two cents worth, but in my mind better than NC. She didn't leave you for anyone, so it's your chance to show that things can be better.

[jerryh]

I said something to her yesterday stupidly and she replied last night talking to me and said she was sorry for hurting me and that it hurts way too much to talk? what does that mean?

[jerryh]

Space isn't really what she needs - what she needs to see is that it is possible for things to liven up. It's true that falling into a routine is dangerous esp if at a young age all you are doing is a hanging out at home. 5 years is a long time to just throw in the towel of go NC in the vain hope of trying to get her to miss you - it won't work. Personally I'd let things loosen up, try to remember how things were like when you two first went out - did you guys try new activities together, travel, etc? Boredom has a way of making one wonder if the problem lies with the other person instead of the quality of interaction. Try establishing contact, be yourself and invite her to new activities where the two of you can have fun and just rediscover how it was like to have a good time together. Be sweet to her, the way you would when you are first out with a date and don't take her for granted.

 

Just my two cents worth, but in my mind better than NC. She didn't leave you for anyone, so it's your chance to show that things can be better.

 

Thanks that what I tried and she said it was too much too soon and dumped me again.

[RespectfullyAlone]

It feels to me like she is weighing up her options. To stay with you, or live life without you. Using phrases like it hurts too much to talk about it, but then dumping you, telling you she was sorry for hurting you, and then dumping you... do you get my drift?

 

It's possible, and please don't take offense to this, that she has no intentions of continuing a relationship with you. Thus the only struggle for her, is how to leave the relationship without looking like a jerk. I've been there, I've had it happen to me, it's really weird and horrifying all at the same time. Thus your partner is only sticking around, to find that perfect time to leave you, and you can feel it, you know something isn't right, you ask, she says it's all good.

 

Trust your gut instinct here. Also know that giving her space may also take the pressure off her, thus in a sad way you are actually helping her to leave you for good. The space is alleviating her guilt.

 

Don't say or write anything stupid from now on, as you may not know when will be the last time you speak with you.

[jerryh]

Just chatted to her there, something about us came up and she said she just cant talk about us it just hurts too much, but then we talked normally about different things and we were happy, i asked her if she minded and she said no not at all.

[jerryh]

She text me there saying she doesnt want to talk to me and its finished so I'm leaving her to it. im just going to get on with my life, I have the theory passed and I'm gonna be buying a car mid july and also have a few interviews for work. If she changes her mind Ill be there but if not i'm just going to enjoy my life!

[LifeGoesOnMan]

tough break man. If anyone understands its me, kind of in the same exact situation, except it was a 7 year relationship AND we work together, eerie because your thread is very similar to mine in a lot of ways.

 

im suppose to go out to a "friendly" dinner with her tomorrow, now im wondering whats going to happen leading up to it..

 

in regard to your situation, atleast you got some closure and its not being dragged out any further, in your case I would just go NC from here and enjoy life. **** it, right? good luck with finding a new job and enjoy your new car!

[jerryh]

tough break man. If anyone understands its me, kind of in the same exact situation, except it was a 7 year relationship AND we work together, eerie because your thread is very similar to mine in a lot of ways.

 

im suppose to go out to a "friendly" dinner with her tomorrow, now im wondering whats going to happen leading up to it..

 

in regard to your situation, atleast you got some closure and its not being dragged out any further, in your case I would just go NC from here and enjoy life. **** it, right? good luck with finding a new job and enjoy your new car!

 

Kinda sucks at the moment though because had still hoped I could change it. Just so weird seeing someone I was so close to and told everything to now just be a cold different person. Thanks mate much appreciated, I wish you luck and hope things work out for you.

[RespectfullyAlone]

Sad to hear this Jerry. Though my gut feeling after reading your original post and her pulling back like that, was that I felt this was going to happen... her finding that moment or her already having decided she was going to leave. I had hoped for your sake that was only a guess on my part, but the way you described things, felt very much like she had decided already she was going to leave you and then was only dealing with the details of how to do it.

 

You're young, you have many more chances. Wait till you get to 40, and have had every meaningful relationship in your life pulled out from under you. Thus never being able to really get close to ones goals of having kids and being with a partner for the rest of your life. You have a ways to go yet to get to those levels of despair. Honestly if I was 15 years younger, I wouldn't be this messed up as I am now. For I would know I had time on my side. Now it's ticking and I feel and get a glimpse of what it must be like for women hitting 40 not having had kids yet. It must just be horrible.

 

But what is important is you have the luxury of time on your side. Me, well I'm already at an age now where I seem to attract women my age and mostly older who've all had their kids and don't want or cannot have any more. It sucks since I haven't experienced that part of my life yet. I so dearly want that chance, but time is not kind any more in my life. I feel it ticking by very fast. Also ones options decrease with age too. Suddenly instead of single girls interested in you, or young women who might be a single mum to baby, you're getting hit on by women in their mid 40s to 50s. Thus you've gone from one spectrum to the other. And always feeling that pain of time ticking by, knowing you are missing out on these lovely things in life. And that you are still not able to lead the life you with with a wonderful partner, mother to your children and son on.

 

So rejoice in your youth, because even if you don't think so, and I know you are hurting, you don't have the additional stress, anxiety and pain of having all your dreams shattered over and over and over and over again.

Edited June 19, 2013 by RespectfullyAlone

[jerryh]

ah mate dont be talking like that plenty of time left and you never know whats round the corner! i wish you luck and you seem a really good guy, so only good things for you mate.

[jerryh]

Just want to offer an update, we have been texting for two days now and she said that she doesnt hate me but she just wants to be single for now. She also rang me by "accident", we talked for ages and was like old times, I dont know does anyone think she will go out, get it out of her system, then want to get back together? anyone any experience of this?

[RespectfullyAlone]

Dude, I've never bought that "I just want to be single" line ever. It's a trap man. That means no commitment, but it's also so commonly used by people to blow the other one off in a way they don't feel guilty about. Only time shows if she was being honest about that. In 6 months time if she's still genuinely single, then ok she might have been truthful, 1 year and for sure so. But you wait and see what will happen and sadly it won't be her being single, it will just be her being single with you, as in she doesn't want a relationship with you. It sux, it hurts but I've been there a few times myself and it's a blowoff man.

 

He's playing the field and roping you in when he's "single" or in between guys. You are a comfort because you make yourself available to her.

 

I hope for your dreams and wishes that she does come back to you. But I don't see that happening. He's keeping you in the picture not as a backup, but as support. Pretty soon you'll get that line of she loves you, but is not in love with you.

[jerryh]

think you may be right man im in the denial stage and just keep hoping. her friend told me to not talk to her for two weeks and to see if she misses me so im going to do that, just want her back, i know its pathetic.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

think you may be right man im in the denial stage and just keep hoping. her friend told me to not talk to her for two weeks and to see if she misses me so im going to do that, just want her back, i know its pathetic.

 

It's not pathetic, it's life man, one of those in-the-flesh bitter life expierences mrs. Tara maiden speaks about, (she seems to be a goddess on here). Don't worry man, this is gonna be tough, emotional roller coaster, but you have the option of NC and let it be (and it WILL get easier), or let your heart get ripped out over and over with every reply back hoping it's gonna be the "revelation" moment..but it won't be. You will know if she wants you back, she will tell you. Everything else is breadcrumbs as they say, and it's only really to make HER feel better, not you. She knows your hurting, but she stays in contact to comfort her own guilt. At least don't initiate contact, let her do it, and just be yourself and don't bring up the relationship at all if your gonna choose to stay in contact with her, but don't be the the one to text/call her first...but if I was you and didnt HAVE to see her, I would go NC.

[jerryh]

It's not pathetic, it's life man, one of those in-the-flesh bitter life expierences mrs. Tara maiden speaks about, (she seems to be a goddess on here). Don't worry man, this is gonna be tough, emotional roller coaster, but you have the option of NC and let it be (and it WILL get easier), or let your heart get ripped out over and over with every reply back hoping it's gonna be the "revelation" moment..but it won't be. You will know if she wants you back, she will tell you. Everything else is breadcrumbs as they say, and it's only really to make HER feel better, not you. She knows your hurting, but she stays in contact to comfort her own guilt. At least don't initiate contact, let her do it, and just be yourself and don't bring up the relationship at all if your gonna choose to stay in contact with her, but don't be the the one to text/call her first...but if I was you and didnt HAVE to see her, I would go NC.

 

Your right man, I was doing so well and then she texted me good luck with something i was getting today and it went bad and i couldnt stop texting her and trying to call, she eventually stopped texting back, dont know just always went to her when times were this bad.

[LinkWorshiper]

Dude, I understand those feels. I am pretty much dealing with the exact same thing, and I can assure you that the best thing to do is to go NC, even though it seems like it is the opposite way to make things work out. But if she is keeping you around because she likes the comfort and support you offer her, then the best chance you have for her to realize what she is losing in you is to take that away. If you are around, talking to her, maybe even hanging out, it's like she still has all those things about you but without the responsibility of being in a relationship with you.

 

I did all these things, even though I tried at first to leave my guy alone after the break... I didn't leave him alone long enough, went running to him thinking that we would be able to rebuild things from the ground up, was even fooled into thinking that was actually happening, and now just found out he's thinking of maybe pursuing a girl who maybe he'd be friends with or maybe the relationship would be too hard, he's not sure. But regardless, I had to put my foot down and say NO THANK YOU, you do not get to claim friendship and working on yourself while you run around after other girls you can't even commit to and all the while use me as an emotional crutch without committing to ME either. It sounds messed up, but if your girl is going to learn, you gotta do it through tough love. She might do what my guy is doing and try to see if the grass is greener with someone else and she might do it for a while, but if you were a person she always turned to for support, especially when you were together, chances are she will realize what she lost. The down side is that it might take months, years, who knows.

 

And then at the end of the day, with all the space, maybe you'll have come to figure some stuff out about yourself too and how to handle things you never thought you could. It sucks, and I hate every second, and I still hope that somewhere in the future, my man gets through this confused phased of his and we reunite, but in the meantime, I gotta learn how to empower myself and take care of me, so that no matter what happens, I'm better.

[jerryh]

Very sad to hear about your situation. How long have you been NC now? yes thats true she said she doesnt want to go into another relationship and wants to just be single and enjoy life because she is young. She said she cant be my friend but text me twice yesterday( first time she initiated contact first since break up) and said she isnt going to talk to me for a while. Her friend said I have no chance now and I asked what about the future and he said he honestly didnt know and that give her space to see if we miss each other.

[lostintheclouds]

Very sad to hear about your situation. How long have you been NC now? yes thats true she said she doesnt want to go into another relationship and wants to just be single and enjoy life because she is young. She said she cant be my friend but text me twice yesterday( first time she initiated contact first since break up) and said she isnt going to talk to me for a while. Her friend said I have no chance now and I asked what about the future and he said he honestly didnt know and that give her space to see if we miss each other.

Her friend is right. Texting her back will also make you feel sad and needy. You need to get over her, because she is honestly getting over you. It is something thats hard to hear and no one wants to hear it. She says these things to let you down easily and it's something almost all women say/do in the same situation. Now, start meeting new people (not necessarily women, but anyone). When the time is right, you can start finding people to date.

[jerryh]

Her friend is right. Texting her back will also make you feel sad and needy. You need to get over her, because she is honestly getting over you. It is something thats hard to hear and no one wants to hear it. She says these things to let you down easily and it's something almost all women say/do in the same situation. Now, start meeting new people (not necessarily women, but anyone). When the time is right, you can start finding people to date.

 

yes true im not going to be chasing any girls anytime soon, no interest at the moment. friends asked me to go abroad for a year but im afriad if I go she will change her mind and be too late!

[LinkWorshiper]

Very sad to hear about your situation. How long have you been NC now? yes thats true she said she doesnt want to go into another relationship and wants to just be single and enjoy life because she is young. She said she cant be my friend but text me twice yesterday( first time she initiated contact first since break up) and said she isnt going to talk to me for a while. Her friend said I have no chance now and I asked what about the future and he said he honestly didnt know and that give her space to see if we miss each other.

 

Well, it sounds pathetic, but I've only been NC with my man just short of two weeks now. It has been the most miserable two weeks I've had since the initial breakup, to a point where my boss caught me crying in the office enough times to sit me down and suggest maybe I take some time off. But a wise friend (who, I might add, has been with her man for nine years with a two year break in the middle) told me that you can still cry and be strong! So cry -- it's okay -- you are still going to be fine. (I say this like I'm totally in control of this sentiment, but trust me, it's not as easy as it sounds.) And, if it's any consolation, though it doesn't mean anything about what will happen, that friend of mine told me that her relationship thrived only because of that two year break, because both she and her man both had stuff that had to be sorted out individually.

 

Anyway, as for me, it hasn't been that long, so I haven't totally lost hope yet, as the situation is large and complex and my guy is pretty slow at processing things, especially stuff that's "serious", and I fear he is ignoring it, though my gut tells me he can't do that forever. But I'm trying to make it appear on the outside that I'm going on with things as normal, not even bothering to take the time to block him on FB again (which I had initially done after the break, only to undo when we started talking again)... I even asked his roommate to let me know when I could come for the rest of my things. Other people on this site have said that if NC is really going to work, not only for the sake of yourself but also for the sake of really getting the other person to realize they might lose you, you have to kind of gamble it all. So in my opinion, go abroad! She doesn't have to know you're not chasing other girls or that you're not ready to forget her entirely... the trick is is that you become someone independent and fun again, because that is way more appealing than a sad sack who sits in front of their computer all day on a love advice forum, n'aw mean?

[jerryh]

Well, it sounds pathetic, but I've only been NC with my man just short of two weeks now. It has been the most miserable two weeks I've had since the initial breakup, to a point where my boss caught me crying in the office enough times to sit me down and suggest maybe I take some time off. But a wise friend (who, I might add, has been with her man for nine years with a two year break in the middle) told me that you can still cry and be strong! So cry -- it's okay -- you are still going to be fine. (I say this like I'm totally in control of this sentiment, but trust me, it's not as easy as it sounds.) And, if it's any consolation, though it doesn't mean anything about what will happen, that friend of mine told me that her relationship thrived only because of that two year break, because both she and her man both had stuff that had to be sorted out individually.

 

Anyway, as for me, it hasn't been that long, so I haven't totally lost hope yet, as the situation is large and complex and my guy is pretty slow at processing things, especially stuff that's "serious", and I fear he is ignoring it, though my gut tells me he can't do that forever. But I'm trying to make it appear on the outside that I'm going on with things as normal, not even bothering to take the time to block him on FB again (which I had initially done after the break, only to undo when we started talking again)... I even asked his roommate to let me know when I could come for the rest of my things. Other people on this site have said that if NC is really going to work, not only for the sake of yourself but also for the sake of really getting the other person to realize they might lose you, you have to kind of gamble it all. So in my opinion, go abroad! She doesn't have to know you're not chasing other girls or that you're not ready to forget her entirely... the trick is is that you become someone independent and fun again, because that is way more appealing than a sad sack who sits in front of their computer all day on a love advice forum, n'aw mean?

 

Do you still have hope? I know these forums are the thing helping me the most through all this. Went out last night with best friends, havent seen them in ages, their all delighted I'm single and I pulled but it really didnt help at all!