Is staying in a marriage for the kids the right thing to do?

[gators417]

Without getting into too much detail about what has happened between me and my wife, I've recently found out that she's not certain she wants to be with me, and that if we didn't have children together she would have left me a couple of years ago. She basically told me that she's in the marriage because she doesn't want to break up our family, nor does she want to break up our children. I'm skipping a lot of background here about how we got here, because I want to get to the fundamental question that is haunting me. So, here goes...

 

I have two kids, one (10 years) from my first marriage, and one (6 years) from my current marriage, which is on the brink of destruction. My first child has obviously been through one divorce, and my second is from my current marriage. She says she loves me, but not in an intimate way. I desperately want to be with my wife, and also don't want to break up my family. However, I feel pretty strongly that I don't want to be in a marriage with a woman who doesn't want to be with me, or love me, but is doing so to hold our family together. Like I said, she keeps telling me she's not certain that she wants to be with me, that she needs time to figure this out. I feel like she should know whether or not she wants to be with me while we work things out and that the kids are blurring her decision (or she just doesn't want to hurt me).

 

I obviously don't want to put my first child through another separation, and don't want my second child to have to experience it at all, but can't get past my pride and feelings that I can't be in a marriage with a person who doesn't want to be with me. Can anyone help? What is the right thing to do? I know kids are resilient, but I feel awful putting my children through another separation.

[Yasuandio]

If I had this to do over, I would shut my mouth, and play along, play nice-nice. Make myself happy in the background while simultaniously (and descretely) creating a completely new life. Then fly the coop.

 

But I don't have any children to worry about.

 

However - that doesn't mean the theory could not be put into practice for you - your wife seems to be all clammy with the idea, playing house till the kids grow up (how phoney). So - you have 12 years to legally share at least your biological child between the the two of you - therefore, that is going to happen no matter what.

 

This is my recommendation. If you like the idea of creating a new life for yourself, I would begin re-educating your children on marital relationships and the reality of monogamy in the 21st century. At this moment, there are 57 million singles over 50 years old that are dating (statistics from Match.com). The odds of a marriage lasting a lifetime are an obvious conclusion - 50% and dropping. 2nd marriage, much smaller odds. The fact of the matter is that we as human beings are living much longer, and appear to have more than one "perminent" relationship in these post-modern times. That is just how it is, whether you like it or not, period.

 

Once you spend a few years re-orienting the kids expectations of marriage and relationships, they will be more completely understanding and accepting of a new world you have developed in the background to enhance your life. Then they can walk right into something they comprehend beforehand.

 

Now - your wife ins't going to like this. Other posters are not going to like this. But you are going to do the same thing anyway. Why not educate the kids apriori? Doesn't that make more sense?

 

Some may say that I am sugggesting brainwashing the kids that marrriage is doomed - and in all liklihood will fail. Well? It doesn't have to be communicated like that. People are living longer and therefore have more time to grow apart - get different intests, challenges, etc. Someone needs to write a curriculum on this. But really, all you have to do is look at a web site like this, to see all the ways marriages break down. So, what I am proposing, is a way to have it all.

 

Never in my life did I ever think I would get divorced. Until I did. Yas

Edited June 17, 2013 by Yasuandio

[GuyInLimbo]

Gators, I have two young kids under 10. When I came to terms with the fact I didn't love my wife and had married for all the wrong reasons about 3 years ago, I had made the decision to stay together for the kids. I'm now about to drop the bomb on my wife. Over the past couple of years, I realized a few things that have changed my mind. One, the pain/resentment/lack of affection, etc. HAS A NEGATIVE IMPACT ON YOUR KIDS and will affect them in the future. I have had many angry outbursts at my kids I feel horrible and guilty about. And, honestly, it all comes about due to my unhappiness. This isn't fair to the kids. At all. Ever. And you don't want them to grow up thinking that the type of dead, unhappy relationship you choose to continue in is healthy. It's DESTRUCTIVE. Trust me, it is gut-wrenching to think about what your kids will go through if you get a divorce. But, how you and your spouse treat each other during and after the divorce plays a HUGE role in it's effects on your kids as they grow up as well as when they're adults. If you can be civil and make them your #1 priority, they will be ok.

 

A lot of kids who have had parents who had unhealthy relationships wish/wished their parents would have gotten a divorce. Don't let that be your kids.

 

I'm not saying it's easy at all. It's the one reason I've procrastinated for several years now. I'm still paranoid about it negatively affecting my kids. But the flip side is staying in a relationship that makes me unhappy, depressed and angry. None of our needs are being met. What kind of life is that?

[ImiD626]

I've been in a loveless marriage for at least the past 5 years. I think we've been kidding ourselves all this time that we could make it work. Mostly, we've been staying together for our daughter's sake. I've finally realized that I'm setting a bad example for my daughter by staying in a loveless marriage with lots of screaming and yelling. I am only showing her that it's okay to accept less than you deserve and accept being miserable. I thought I should continue to fight to keep the family together, but I know my daughter feels all the negativity in the house and it's certainly not a good environment.

 

If you're not happy and in love, get out. Do your kids a favor and focus all of your energy on them. Turn the negative energy in your house into positive energy for you children. That's what I am going to do.

 

I knew for a long time that I wasn't in love with my husband anymore. I haven't told him those words in years because I couldn't say it if I didn't mean it. I've finallly come to terms that loving him, rather than being IN LOVE with him, is not enough to stay in the marriage.

[gators417]

Thanks to all of you for chiming in to help me with this issue. Children or no children, I'm starting to realize that staying in a marriage with a woman who doesn't want to be with me anymore is the wrong thing to do. I feel like walking around the house unable to function is no better for my children than going through a divorce. I haven't been much of a Dad lately due to the deep depression I've been in due to the situation in the house. My wife indicated that it could take her a long time to make a final decision on where she's stands in regards to our relationship. I'm not sure I'll be able to live in limbo for an indefinite period of time while she makes up her mind.

 

I'm starting to feel like I need to take control of this situation, and initiate the separation process if my wife is unable to make a decision within a reasonable amount of time (it's only been a month, so I'm not sure how much more time I'm willing to give her to tell me whether or not she wants to be with me). Ultimately, I think she knows deep down that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, but is possibly afraid to tell me, and/or is fearful of breaking up our family.

 

Thanks again to everyone who posted.

[73Fras]

My stbxh told me last year he hasn't been happy for "years" and that was more of a blow to the gut than I think if he told me he found someone else. To think of the years we both lived were lies and fake and in some ways wasted..

 

I am sad that I am divorcing but we are actually closer now than we have been in the last 2-3 years and are finally starting to communicate better without preconceived notions and this is definitely better for my two boys...

 

The initial cut is painful but it does heal and if you are lucky, any scaring is minimal.

 

Good Luck.. YOU deserve to be loved and your kids deserve to see you be loved...

[sherri333]

I have always felt that staying for the sake of the kids was more detrimental than not. I have a friend who waited to divorce until the kids were older and it was hell. And the kids were very messed up from it. Children will sense the anger, resentment and general unhappiness. You owe it to yourself and your children to be happy and mentally healthy.

[imtooconfused]

I have always felt that staying for the sake of the kids was more detrimental than not. I have a friend who waited to divorce until the kids were older and it was hell. And the kids were very messed up from it. Children will sense the anger, resentment and general unhappiness. You owe it to yourself and your children to be happy and mentally healthy.

 

I am also finding that as the kids grow older, they did not have a good role model for how to be in a successful, loving, romantic relationship with someone else. I feel this was the cause of our problems (from the previous generation) and it is being perpetuated to the next generation.

 

Wow, just saying that out loud is a big revelation for me.

[SunsetSarsaparilla]

My answer is different from others because we've been married 14 years next week and we're currently staying together for the kid. In my opinion, this idea that if you are unhappy in a marriage and your kids see that and it's detrimental doesn't really fly with me because, to me, that sort of pre-supposes that there's some sort of "Leave it to Beaver" ideal marriage out there to be had and your kids should only ever be exposed to a 1950's Father Knows Best lifestyle.

 

People fight. It's just the way of it. As long as it's not physically or emotionally abusive, it's just called reality.

 

The only marriage I've ever seen where they just don't fight about anything EVER are my in-laws and he had an affair for almost seven years. So no marriage is perfect, even the ones that look like it from the outside.

 

That being said, there is simply no point to my marriage aside from our daughter. So when she graduates high school and we settle her into her freshman dorm at college, I'll go home and pack up my things. My husband knows this. I've told him all about it. I'm not hiding it.

 

I've never cheated. I will never cheat and neither will he. And we both work from home so I frankly don't see how it would be possible for either of us anyway.

 

I've discovered marriage isn't about 'being happy'. It's about chores and responsibilities and raising kids together and as long as all of that is marginally functional I prefer sticking to it because I could not imagine a scenario in which I didn't get to see my daughter every single day of her life. And I'm certain my husband feels the same way about her.

 

I absolutely feel I'm doing the right thing. I'm teaching my daughter that when you take on the responsibility of another person (a son or daughter) you see it through for as long as they need you to as long as no one is being abused. I'm teaching her that re-runs on TV land aren't real. Marriage is hard. It sucks a lot of the time. But you stick it out when it's required.

 

But your situation is your own and you have to do what you can live with.

[Minnie09]

Well, why and how did she fall out of love with you? What happened? And also: do YOU want to be with HER? If the underlying issue is something you can work on, then try it. If it's too late, move on. Ask her what the underlying issue is, try to be open, tell her how important it is for HER to be open also, and get some help. If she's beyond that point nothing will change her mind. But talking about it and saying it out loud can be a step in the right direction, wherever it may lead you guys.....back into the M or into separate lives. You say you don't want to go into details about why your M went the way it did, and how you got to this point, but the WHY is the key. Always is. I'm suspecting an A or other trust issues, but you tell me. This is your second M WITH a young child......make better choices this time. Or at least try everything before you walk away. It's not only about your W and what she wants. What do you want? It seems like you want to avoid taking action. If SHE doesn't want to be with YOU then you don't want to be with her......that's not an adult way to look at serious things like that. Look at the M - take a hard look - and take action.

[gators417]

Well, my wife and I are now sleeping in separate beds. There has been no closeness or intimacy for days. We are talking, but nothing has changed. She's still on the fence about whether or not she wants to be with me with a heavy leaning on the side of not wanting to be with me. She's told me that if it weren't for the kids, she would have left the marriage 2-3 years ago. She's told me that's she conflicted about what to do, but most of her feelings of staying in the marriage revolve around not breaking up our family vs. wanting to be with me.

 

She's now talking about something called "Controlled Separation", where we live in the same house (basically as roomates), work on our individual issues, and basically hope that the outcome will be that we save our marriage. And, although I'd be OK with this arrangement in some cases, I'm not sure I can do this without ACTUALLY working on the marriage. There's no definitely timeline, no closeness or intimacy with each other (I guess we can talk about our day to day goings on with each other), there's no guarantees that this will work, and she's not even sure of what she wants as an outcome of this exercise (what I mean here is that she can't even tell me that she's doing this to save our marriage, because she's not even sure she wants to).

 

Call me crazy, but I'm not sure I can do this, even for the kids. It feels like this is an excuse, or mechanism, to delay the inevitable demise of our marriage. I mean how can you fix a marriage when you're not even working together as a married couple while you live in the same house? Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I just can't see this working.

 

We are going to see a counselor next week to discuss this arrangement. I guess we'll need to set boundaries, and rules, around whatever it is we would decide to do. This is my final step in trying to save our marriage. I've already started looking at apartments with my eyes set on moving out of the house quickly.

 

The bottom line for me is that I have to stay true to my belief that I don't want to fight with anyone to stay with me because, "who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them."

 

Something else I need to remember: Am I trying to control what course my marriage is taking? Am I bent and determined to control how she responds to or behaves toward me? I need to stop and think about what I would be doing differently with my life if I let go of trying to change her mind about leaving me.

 

Today, tomorrow, and beyond, I need to let go of my need to be in control. I need to choose to do something that will bring enjoyment to my life (I'm not sure what that is, but I need to start thinking about it).

[coaches24]

Well, my wife and I are now sleeping in separate beds. There has been no closeness or intimacy for days. We are talking, but nothing has changed. She's still on the fence about whether or not she wants to be with me with a heavy leaning on the side of not wanting to be with me. She's told me that if it weren't for the kids, she would have left the marriage 2-3 years ago. She's told me that's she conflicted about what to do, but most of her feelings of staying in the marriage revolve around not breaking up our family vs. wanting to be with me.

 

She's now talking about something called "Controlled Separation", where we live in the same house (basically as roomates), work on our individual issues, and basically hope that the outcome will be that we save our marriage. And, although I'd be OK with this arrangement in some cases, I'm not sure I can do this without ACTUALLY working on the marriage. There's no definitely timeline, no closeness or intimacy with each other (I guess we can talk about our day to day goings on with each other), there's no guarantees that this will work, and she's not even sure of what she wants as an outcome of this exercise (what I mean here is that she can't even tell me that she's doing this to save our marriage, because she's not even sure she wants to).

 

Call me crazy, but I'm not sure I can do this, even for the kids. It feels like this is an excuse, or mechanism, to delay the inevitable demise of our marriage. I mean how can you fix a marriage when you're not even working together as a married couple while you live in the same house? Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I just can't see this working.

 

We are going to see a counselor next week to discuss this arrangement. I guess we'll need to set boundaries, and rules, around whatever it is we would decide to do. This is my final step in trying to save our marriage. I've already started looking at apartments with my eyes set on moving out of the house quickly.

 

The bottom line for me is that I have to stay true to my belief that I don't want to fight with anyone to stay with me because, "who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them."

 

Something else I need to remember: Am I trying to control what course my marriage is taking? Am I bent and determined to control how she responds to or behaves toward me? I need to stop and think about what I would be doing differently with my life if I let go of trying to change her mind about leaving me.

 

Today, tomorrow, and beyond, I need to let go of my need to be in control. I need to choose to do something that will bring enjoyment to my life (I'm not sure what that is, but I need to start thinking about it).

 

In describing your situation with your wife you described my situation very well too. I completely understand the feeling of not being able to live with the living situation you are in without working on the marriage. My wife did the exact same thing for the first two months after she let her feelings be known. We just had our 2nd marriage counseling session and the therapist described our situation well I think. She said I am the one inside the house (meaning I know what I want) and am alone trying to fix things and my wife is still there just outside the house looking in the window but isn't ready to walk through the door. Our process now is to figure out how to get both of us in the house working together towards the same goal. The process sounds slow which bothers the hell out of me as I want a quick fix and I know there is no way to get that so I have to either go on with the slow process and hope for the best or walk away. For now I will keep working on things and see if my wife comes around but at some point soon I will need to see some progress or this situation will wear on me to the point I will feel its not worth it.

[GuyInLimbo]

She's told me that if it weren't for the kids, she would have left the marriage 2-3 years ago. She's told me that's she conflicted about what to do, but most of her feelings of staying in the marriage revolve around not breaking up our family vs. wanting to be with me.

 

Gators, what exactly are you waiting for? Neon signs? Skywriters? A holy vision? Are you seriously looking at what she's telling you? She's done. If it's been that long, she's already emotionally divorced you. I know b/c I'm in the same boat. I would bag the counseling and find a new place. Also, find a good mediator so you guys can hammer things out amicably (hopefully). Right now, she's just stringing you along. Don't let her. Take control of the situation. I know it's painful, but what are your options here? You don't really have any other than to be a door mat or end the marriage so everyone can move on.

[oldshirt]

Time to call BULL***** on her and tell her you are either in a real marriage with warmth, love, mutual support and sexuality or you are each in your own separate homes moving on with your own separate lives and freel to do what you please.

 

She is using you as a bill payer and a child-care giver and keeping you from moving on with your own life while at the same time refusing to love and comfort you.

 

She wants the safety and security of tour financial support and help with taking care of the kids safety as a roommate but is not sexually attracted to you anymore and doesnt want the sexual aspects of marriage with you.

 

I would bet my very last dollar she is getting sex somewhere else but wanting to keep milking you for financial support, housekeeping and child care assistance.

 

Smack that ***** down!!!!

[oldshirt]

Start getting your legal and financial affairs in order. Get to the lawyers office ASAP to protect your money, property and parental rights. Dont let her know you are doing this. Get your ducks in a row. And get everything ready before you drop the bomb. You want her asleep when you strike.

 

You dont need to be vindictive, just decisive with the odds stacked in your favor.

 

Once you have all your ducks in row, have the papers in your hands and give her one last chance to address her issues and get maritial counseling and make an honest sincere effort at a full marriage....or file the papers and separate and start moving forward with your own lives.

 

Cause here's the thing, if you can get along well enough to live under the same roof and raise the kids together, then you can get along well enough to raise the kids together in a cooperative and healthy fashion from two separate houses.

 

She just wants the convenience an comfort of having you in the house without being an actual wife and lover. You are perfectly in your rights to only provide financial support, convenience and comfort under your roof with a real wife and lover.

[gators417]

Thanks all for the encouraging words. I'm going to give the counseling a chance because I feel like I have to exhaust all options before throwing in the towel. However, I already have a place lined up for July, so if I don't see some signs of moving in the right direction, I'm done. I need to pick up the little self respect and esteem I have left and use it to rebuild my life, take care of my kids, and heal.

[smokey bear]

Staying in a marriage for the sake of your kids.........NO

 

Trying to make your marriage work because over time it gets complacent................Yes

[soccerrprp]

NO. No. no.

[Techie Artist]

Well, my wife and I are now sleeping in separate beds. There has been no closeness or intimacy for days. We are talking, but nothing has changed. She's still on the fence about whether or not she wants to be with me with a heavy leaning on the side of not wanting to be with me. She's told me that if it weren't for the kids, she would have left the marriage 2-3 years ago. She's told me that's she conflicted about what to do, but most of her feelings of staying in the marriage revolve around not breaking up our family vs. wanting to be with me.

 

She's now talking about something called "Controlled Separation",

 

CS is supposed to be done with a contract and specific boundaries, deadlines, etc. You're not doing it right if there is no end date. I attempted to do this with both of us living in the same house, different floors. It's not working bc spouse won't go to MC. So, I'm waiting for him to get a job and then I'll let him know we need a divorce.

[eleve82]

I'm going to speak as someone whose parents did NOT want to be with each other. You aren't really doing any favours to your kids by staying on in an unhappy marriage, because this unhappiness will manifest in more intangible ways than you can imagine. Children sense tension and resentment between their parents with great sensitivity and unhappy spouses often end up using their children to either deal with their other halves or to fill the void. There could be bigger and deeper consequences on your children being with someone you don't love than separating!

[oldshirt]

I'm going to give the counseling a chance because I feel like I have to exhaust all options before throwing in the towel.

 

This is good. If done right by a competent therapist this will do one of several things. one is there may be a possibility of reconciling and things may be able to be worked out. Another is even if the marriage is dead, counseling may be able to help you both work things out so that you are able to separate and divorce with the least amount of pain and chaos for everyone and will be able to maintain a good enough working relationship to coparent the kids from separate households.

 

And finally if you insist on counseling and approach counseling in a sincere manner it might carry some positive weight with the courts if you can show that you were proactive and sincere in trying to make the marriage functional or at least trying to make the divorce process as peaceful and less painful as possible.

[oldshirt]

. However, I already have a place lined up for July, so if I don't see some signs of moving in the right direction, I'm done.

 

NO NO NO NO!!!!! Dig in and protect your rights to your home and property!!! In many areas the one who leaves the marital home is considered the one abandoning the marriage and family and they often are the ones that end up taking it in the shorts.

 

SHE is the one that is disgruntled and dissatisfied with the marriage. SHE is the one that is unsure if she wants to remain in the marriage or not. SHE is the one that is not interested in working things out to make the marriage work.

 

SHE is the one that should be packing her ***** and finding another place and moving her stuff out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

If you pack your stuff and move she can claim you are the one abandoning the marital home and you will be the one socked for unreasonable child and spousal support.

 

If she is the one that is unhappy and doesn't want to try to fix it, she needs to be packing and moving and the one paying support!!

[gators417]

We're now coming up on a week of basically being separated in the same household. I feel like what is happening here is insane. We are living in the same house, doing some things together as a family, and yet there are no signs of a marriage or intimacy. WE ARE NOT ACTUALLY WORKING ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN DELAYING THE INEVITABLE! I asked her yesterday to define some of the boundaries of what we're doing with this CS and she told me that she "doesn't know yet". For crying out loud, how long am I supposed to live my life this way? The least she could do would be to clue me in on what the F*** is going on. She's the one who told me that she's not sure if she wants to be with me, and now she's stringing me along because she's afraid of breaking up our family. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this.

 

We do have a counselling session in two days, so maybe she's waiting until then to drop this all on me.

 

By the way, to all of you who have been posting about financial issues and custody, I appreciate your feedback, but I'm fairly sure neither of these items will be an issue if we decide to divorce. We've already agreed we're going to use a mediator (no lawyers), and the split of assets and custody will be equal.

[Minnie09]

I'm still wondering how she got to that point. Is there a third party involved? What problems have you had that lead up to the current situation? Because if you don't address those, you can skip mc right away. It's not just about the current living arrangement and whether or not to change it, it's about how you got there. Exploring that and resolving it will be the key to your future.

[ASG]

I'm going to speak here not as someone who has been married and stayed for the kids, but as someone who is a child of divorce.

 

My parents realised, about 5 or 6 years into their marriage, with 2 kids, that they just didn't work together. As a kid, neither me nor my brother ever witnessed any fights. my parents were careful of that.

But Their relationship just didn't work and they decided to not stay together. For us.

They knew if they tried to stay together for our sake, resentment would take hold. So they separated (and divorced) in the most civil of ways.

 

If you do things right, it's better for the children to go through the divorce than to have their parents be unhappy. Not every divorce has to be a big fight.

 

Even though my mom had full custody, my dad had full access to us and I don't remember a time when I wished they'd get back together. It just never ever crossed my mind.

 

So think about it. If you divorce, try to make it the most civil thing you can, for your children sake, as that's what's gonna matter in the long run!