Is staying in a marriage for the kids the right thing to do?

[oldshirt]

 

I asked her yesterday to define some of the boundaries of what we're doing with this CS and she told me that she "doesn't know yet". For crying out loud, how long am I supposed to live my life this way? The least she could do would be to clue me in on what the F*** is going on. She's the one who told me that she's not sure if she wants to be with me, and now she's stringing me along because she's afraid of breaking up our family.

 

Gators you are looking at this completely wrong! You need to determine your best interests and dictate your terms to her. NOT ask her to define her terms to you. You need to do what is in your best interests in protecting your money, home, property, parental rights and your own sanity.

 

I am going to PM with some resources that you need to get ASAP to keep yourself from being taken for a ride.

 

You don't have to try to cheat her out of anything or treat her bad or inflict any unnecessary pain and torment on her but you are trying to put this all in her court and trying to get her to dictate her terms on to you. She is the one that is breaking the marriage and wanting to change all of the dynamics so you are the one that leads to draw the line in the sand and give her YOUR terms on what SHE needs to do in order to stay under your roof and remain in your life.

[oldshirt]

 

By the way, to all of you who have been posting about financial issues and custody, I appreciate your feedback, but I'm fairly sure neither of these items will be an issue if we decide to divorce. We've already agreed we're going to use a mediator (no lawyers), and the split of assets and custody will be equal.

 

Also, she is telling you this to soften you up and keep you complacient. Again, she is trying to dictate terms to you and so far you are accepting that and trying to make it easy on her.

 

Trust me, she may be acting all cooperative and no-conflict now but once push comes to shove the Mamma-Bear fangs and claws are going to come out and she will go for the throat.

 

The person who lawyers up first and has the most secure game plan and is willing to go to the mat the most is going to be the one that comes out on top.

 

It's always better to have the bigger gun all loaded up and pointed between the other person's eyes and ready to pull the trigger and not have to shoot, rather than being unarmed and complacient when they pull out their gun. You don't have to shoot if she actually cooperates at the moment of truth but don't be unarmed and empty handed until the final divorce decree is signed, sealed and delivered by the judge.

[oldshirt]

Gators, I tried to send you a PM but your account settings will not allow me to send it to you. Could you send me a PM and I will get you some info privately.

[gators417]

Well, I went out looking for apartments yesterday and secured a place for mid-July. Honestly, this was one of the most difficult things I've had to do in a long time. My wife was out all afternoon with our daughter, and when she returned home she asked me how everything went. I told her that I found a place, put down a deposit to hold it, and that I would be moving out mid-July. I also told her that although I was open to the controlled separation concept, I couldn't promise her that this arrangement could work for me. Well, she completely broke down and told me she wasn't sure what she wanted. She said that she changes her mind every few hours between wanting a separation and wanting to stay in the marriage and work on things. She also told me that her therapist said that she shouldn't be making any decisions while feeling this way. I told her that I couldn't live in limbo, that I needed to take control of my life and destiny even if it meant leaving the marriage and breaking up our family.

 

Nothing has really changed, other than I'm taking control of my situation. I'm not going to sit around and wait.

[cozycottagelg]

My answer is different from others because we've been married 14 years next week and we're currently staying together for the kid. In my opinion, this idea that if you are unhappy in a marriage and your kids see that and it's detrimental doesn't really fly with me because, to me, that sort of pre-supposes that there's some sort of "Leave it to Beaver" ideal marriage out there to be had and your kids should only ever be exposed to a 1950's Father Knows Best lifestyle.

 

People fight. It's just the way of it. As long as it's not physically or emotionally abusive, it's just called reality.

 

The only marriage I've ever seen where they just don't fight about anything EVER are my in-laws and he had an affair for almost seven years. So no marriage is perfect, even the ones that look like it from the outside.

 

That being said, there is simply no point to my marriage aside from our daughter. So when she graduates high school and we settle her into her freshman dorm at college, I'll go home and pack up my things. My husband knows this. I've told him all about it. I'm not hiding it.

 

I've never cheated. I will never cheat and neither will he. And we both work from home so I frankly don't see how it would be possible for either of us anyway.

 

I've discovered marriage isn't about 'being happy'. It's about chores and responsibilities and raising kids together and as long as all of that is marginally functional I prefer sticking to it because I could not imagine a scenario in which I didn't get to see my daughter every single day of her life. And I'm certain my husband feels the same way about her.

 

I absolutely feel I'm doing the right thing. I'm teaching my daughter that when you take on the responsibility of another person (a son or daughter) you see it through for as long as they need you to as long as no one is being abused. I'm teaching her that re-runs on TV land aren't real. Marriage is hard. It sucks a lot of the time. But you stick it out when it's required.

 

But your situation is your own and you have to do what you can live with.

 

Does your daughter know about your intentions to leave as soon as she is out? While I agree with the responsibility portion of this post, it seems to me like you will be basically saying to your daughter, "we've been living a lie and I've only stayed for you"... and I fear she will carry the weight of that for quite some time.

 

My parents split when I was 18 and I had a much harder time with it than my younger siblings.

 

I'm not disagreeing with your decision, and I think it's a nice idea. I'm just not sold on it.

[BC1980]

I think my parents stayed together for the sake of the family, and, as the child, I found it ludicrous. I would have told my parents to split up much earlier. It's a tough living situation when you know they don't want to be together. Constant tension. They never said they stayed for me and my sister, but I can't think of another reason. I think it's going to be far worse, in the end, when the farce is exposed.

 

From the child's perspective, get a divorce if you can't fix it. I would definitely try to save it, but both have to want it. I carried a lot of residual pain from my parent's awful marriage. It's bad either way, but I truly think divorce is the better option if both parties don't love each other.

[gators417]

CozyCottge - I can guarantee you that whatever we decide to do, we will do everything in our power, including counseling, to ensure our children don't think that our separation has anything to do with them. I have more fear about the loss my children will experience, which I'm assuming will be similar to the loss that my wife and I will experience. There will be a lot of pain, and loss, for the children, so I want to make sure we handle this in a way that has the least impact on them.

 

I don't know about you, but living with a person who doesn't want to be with you, and pretending that you're a married couple (when you're actually NOT) for the sake of the kids is not something I can't do. At least my kid's will get their Dad back when I leave. Right now, I'm a walking zombie, depressed and hopeless.

[imtooconfused]

I think my parents stayed together for the sake of the family, and, as the child, I found it ludicrous. I would have told my parents to split up much earlier. It's a tough living situation when you know they don't want to be together. Constant tension. They never said they stayed for me and my sister, but I can't think of another reason. I think it's going to be far worse, in the end, when the farce is exposed.

 

From the child's perspective, get a divorce if you can't fix it. I would definitely try to save it, but both have to want it. I carried a lot of residual pain from my parent's awful marriage. It's bad either way, but I truly think divorce is the better option if both parties don't love each other.

 

BC1980 it would help me a lot to know what your parents' relationship was like, but I don't want to hijack this thread. Is that mentioned on another thread (not likely) or would you mind sending me a PM?

[Techie Artist]

Gators,

 

I have tried CS. There is a book called "Stay or Go" by by Lee Raffel. She recommends CS instead of a trial separation and makes the clear distinction that there MUST be a contract like the framework on Page 25. You, spouse, and counselor should agree to the terms. Both parties are fully engaged in making the agreement, which has a start and end time.

 

After the end time, you are free to take next steps or extend the deadline. It's mutually up to you and spouse.

 

Anything short of this is a trial separation with undefined terms that leave one person in unfair control. The point is to see if you can stand to be apart. If you can make it apart happily, then you proceed. If not, you identify the things that make you reconnect.

 

TA

[sherri333]

My answer is different from others because we've been married 14 years next week and we're currently staying together for the kid. In my opinion, this idea that if you are unhappy in a marriage and your kids see that and it's detrimental doesn't really fly with me because, to me, that sort of pre-supposes that there's some sort of "Leave it to Beaver" ideal marriage out there to be had and your kids should only ever be exposed to a 1950's Father Knows Best lifestyle.

 

People fight. It's just the way of it. As long as it's not physically or emotionally abusive, it's just called reality.

 

The only marriage I've ever seen where they just don't fight about anything EVER are my in-laws and he had an affair for almost seven years. So no marriage is perfect, even the ones that look like it from the outside.

 

That being said, there is simply no point to my marriage aside from our daughter. So when she graduates high school and we settle her into her freshman dorm at college, I'll go home and pack up my things. My husband knows this. I've told him all about it. I'm not hiding it.

 

I've never cheated. I will never cheat and neither will he. And we both work from home so I frankly don't see how it would be possible for either of us anyway.

 

I've discovered marriage isn't about 'being happy'. It's about chores and responsibilities and raising kids together and as long as all of that is marginally functional I prefer sticking to it because I could not imagine a scenario in which I didn't get to see my daughter every single day of her life. And I'm certain my husband feels the same way about her.

 

I absolutely feel I'm doing the right thing. I'm teaching my daughter that when you take on the responsibility of another person (a son or daughter) you see it through for as long as they need you to as long as no one is being abused. I'm teaching her that re-runs on TV land aren't real. Marriage is hard. It sucks a lot of the time. But you stick it out when it's required.

 

But your situation is your own and you have to do what you can live with.

 

I understand your perspective but I guess coming from an emotionally abusive relationship it is not an option for me. Also, I don't believe you can be truly happy while staying in a marriage that no longer works and I am only on this earth once so I would like to make the most of it.