a serial cheater finally comes clean

[janedoe67]

I am a serial cheater. And I hate it, but apparently not enough.

 

I wanted to say that up front because it sums up everything. I’ve been married 21 years. In the 12th year of our marriage I had an affair with someone in my same field. My marriage was horrible and had been horrible for awhile, but it was still wrong. I felt like crap...and I told my husband about it. We managed to recover. He actually was able to forgive me, and I never ever ever wanted to hurt him like that again.

 

Six years later our marriage was just like it always was. I wanted a divorce had wanted one for awhile. But when my husband found out I went to see a lawyer he just....got really really upset and desperate. He begged me to stay and said he would do anything. We have 3 kids so I wanted to try, but nothing changed. This time I knew so much better, and I knew how to avoid getting to close to someone but I chose to do it again. I joined one of those married people sites and met up with someone. That was horrible and I threw up after he left. I let myself get played online by a couple of online players. I kept going back to the idea of divorce and separation, but my husband didn’t want me to leave. During the last 4 years I have had several affairs and one night (or day) stands. And chats online too. I went to an online group of sex addicts anonymous, but honestly I wonder if I am too far gone.

 

A couple of weeks ago my husband found something on my computer, and almost all of this stuff came out in several really long talks. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want a divorce, and I don’t get why he doesn’t want me to file either. He basically has made it clear that he won’t leave and if I leave he will make it as hard and long and drawn out as possible. The other night he asked me why I hadn’t cried or anything and I told him I just feel numb. He wanted to start talking about what I needed and I couldn’t stand it because I don’t have the right to need anything and then I did cry and couldn’t stop. I want to love him but I am afraid to love him and I am really messed up. He is a good guy who has only been with me and my track record now is a mile long. He won’t yell at me or call me names or anything and I wish he would.

 

I do not want to be this person anymore, but I am afraid it is too late.

[GorillaTheater]

I do not want to be this person anymore, but I am afraid it is too late.

 

Bullsh*t. The sincere desire to change puts you halfway to the goal. I'm just not sensing that your desire is particularly "sincere".

 

What's the primary reason you'd want to change, and why?

[janedoe67]

I know my post seems pretty emotionless. After my first affair but before I went off the deep end I used to actually help women who cheated and I hated their drama pity parties so I am trying not to have one.

 

I am a terrible example to my kids. I am hurting my husband. I made a vow that I broke over and over. WHY would he want a woman like that???? I thought I really changed before, but I must not have or why did I do it again and again?

 

I hate my life and the guilt and how crushed my husband feels. This is the third time he has caught me. He says I sabatogue things because I'm afraid, but I think I am just selfish. Whatever it is I need to fix it. I have to fix it. It's wrong.

[CarboniteCammy]

I'm going to approach this from a different angle, I think...

 

If you truly want to sleep with a bunch of men and you do not think you will stay married to hour husband and marriage is just weighing you down, then you need to stick to your guns and leave.

 

Your husband could be afraid of many things; losing the house, being alone, having to start over...

 

The bottom line is that you want out and regardless of your behavior, you shouldn't let him bully you into staying, and you shouldn't let him use your guilt about cheating to coerce you into staying.

 

If you want out, leave.

 

Your husband would also probably be better off with someone who actually wants to be monogamous and married and have that life committment.

[GorillaTheater]

In my opinion, the correct answer to the question I posed would be that you want to change for you. What you're doing is destructive to your children and husband, but most of all it's self-destructive, and it's going to continue until you figure out what motivates you to screw around randomly and repeatedly.

[Spark1111]

You keep saying after these affairs you went home and "tried" at the marriage.

 

In which ways did you try? What did you do? Did you go to IC, MC, apply any principals of intimacy or close communication in your relationship?

 

What does having affairs and physical hook-ups with virtual strangers do for you? What is the pay off emotionally?

 

I believe YOU DO NOT KNOW why you do this, which tells me you have avoided IC, true intimacy with a man that loves you, and all the introspection necessary to learn why you self-sabotage and self-loathe. Where does that come from?

 

I think your H is a saint on one hand, but maybe realizes even more than you do, that your sexual addiction and serial cheating has NOTHING to do with him, the marriage, or the love or friendship you both share.

 

Lady, you have a problem. You need to figure why, and then you need to fix it, or you will have successfully driven away the one person who loves you and continues to support you.

 

Why would you want that for your future? Why would you want a series of hook-ups with strangers?

 

First YOU have to believe you DESERVE BETTER.

 

Start IC today....someone who specializes in sex addiction....and when you are ready, get back to the beginning....early childhood....and stop running away from it.

[janedoe67]

As far as why, my first gut response is because I really want to be touched and to feel desired and to have intimacy. Which is stupid because none of these other people gave/give a **** about me anyway but at the time it feels better than being lonely. How pathetic and selfish is that???

 

The thing that hit me this weekend is that all those other people were just some kind of really brief fake sense of mattering to somebody. The only man who has REALLY cared enough to actually stick around no matter how imperfect I was or what I looked like or how frustrating I can be is my husband. I just got so fixed on all the stuff he WASN'T doing I completely lost sight of all he was doing.

[Spark1111]

As far as why, my first gut response is because I really want to be touched and to feel desired and to have intimacy. Which is stupid because none of these other people gave/give a **** about me anyway but at the time it feels better than being lonely. How pathetic and selfish is that???

 

The thing that hit me this weekend is that all those other people were just some kind of really brief fake sense of mattering to somebody. The only man who has REALLY cared enough to actually stick around no matter how imperfect I was or what I looked like or how frustrating I can be is my husband. I just got so fixed on all the stuff he WASN'T doing I completely lost sight of all he was doing.

 

Have you EVER gone to counseling to discuss your serial cheating?

[janedoe67]

After the first affair we both went to IC and then MC. We followed a program that we both liked that was sort of Christian. I have been to IC off and on but never told the therapist about everything.

 

I don't even recognize me anymore. I used to be a good Christian and a sweet caring person. Now I live all these "lives" and sometimes I think I hate God.

 

My husband found out about the second time because he opened up a site that was still logged in as me. The rest of the awfulness just came out recently. He asked me why I didn't turn all that flirting and attention onto him and I told him I honestly thought he didn't want it. We've had the same issues about being affectionate and sex and stuff for most of our marriage and haven't had actual sex for 3 years.

 

It is stupid that I turned to all these other things to avoid rejection because rejection by someone after they get the hour or so of easy they want makes you feel way cheaper and dirtier and more awful than rejection by someone who loves you in all the other ways.

 

Right now I think I could care less if I ever had sex again if I could just fix myself and have a chance at restoring things with the only man who has ever cared about me past his appendage.

[turnera]

Just tell him if he wants you to stay, it will be as an open marriage. And go live your life.

 

But be prepared for your kids to hate you when they find out.

[GorillaTheater]

Why haven't you and your H had sex in three years??

[janedoe67]

He isn't a touchy person. He doesn't need sex. He said he enjoys it if it happens but he doesn't think about it. Plus he takes some medicines that started making it hard to have sex so he decided a few years ago that actual sex wouldn't happen anymore.

[turnera]

If nothing else, just start going to IC and BE HONEST.

[GorillaTheater]

Under the circumstances it seems pretty odd to ask you if you're okay with a sexless marriage, but are you? Is this the marriage you want?

 

No passes from me for the cheating. At all. But this would be a deal-killer for me. Just as I'm a little surprised your actions haven't been a deal-killer for your husband.

[janedoe67]

A sexless marriage would be a lot better than this existence for sure. I know this sounds like crap coming from someone who did what I did but I do love him in a lot of ways. I just programmed myself not to want or desire or have romantic feelings for him because it hurt not to have them returned. I'm 46 years old and so chances are in ten years when I do that whole change thing the sex might not matter as much and I will have thrown away the real thing. I just don't get why he still loves me and wants to try to work through this again.

 

I would like to figure out a way to be content with what I have and fix my screwed upness.

[tbf]

You mentioned going to IC, after the initial cheating. What was discovered during these sessions and have you continued IC?

[Confused48]

Armchair psychology here but have you considered that perhaps you are doing these things that you consider immoral, at least in part, in hopes that your H will leave you? So you don't have to leave him. So that it is his choice.

[janedoe67]

The doctor said I had depression and gave me medicine. After the first time we did all the things like exchanging passwords and regaining trust and being completely honest and we got really close for awhile. It was weird because it felt like he loved me more than I ever thought and everything seemed renewed. I really really thought my life had changed and I was that honorable woman again. And then when things slid back into the way they were and then when he just announced that there would be no more sex I just threw in the towel and got really depressed and a month later I signed up for that married site. Every time he would beg me to stay he promised things and I just stopped listening.

 

I can't make my choices based on whether he changes. I don't think he can make himself feel things he doesn't feel. But I can change me. I can refocus. That is what I need to figure out how to do. I also know I am going to hit a real low because every time I try to back away from these "connections" I feel lonely and awful and go back to them.

[HonestNeurotic]

There is some kind of reason that you feel the need to punish yourself. To make yourself unloveable, yet at the same time yearning to be loved. Maybe you can discover it on your own. Antidepressents might make you feel "okay" for the short term - but they don't fix stuff in your head.

 

I would suggest counseling - and be totally open and frank with the person that you choose as a therapist. They cannot help you if you don't share with them what's going on. Until you know why you do the things that you do - you cannot resolve them. Stuff them away and stop engaging in self destructive behaviour? Sure - but that doesn't resolve the stuff that will still spin in your head.

 

IMHO ~ as always

[Journee]

There is some kind of reason that you feel the need to punish yourself. To make yourself unloveable, yet at the same time yearning to be loved. Maybe you can discover it on your own. Antidepressents might make you feel "okay" for the short term - but they don't fix stuff in your head.

 

I would suggest counseling - and be totally open and frank with the person that you choose as a therapist. They cannot help you if you don't share with them what's going on. Until you know why you do the things that you do - you cannot resolve them. Stuff them away and stop engaging in self destructive behaviour? Sure - but that doesn't resolve the stuff that will still spin in your head.

 

IMHO ~ as always

 

 

 

WOW, very insightful.

 

 

 

OP,

 

I would love to see you address this as I know I have struggled with this very thing. It's just as HN said...you make it impossible to be loved so then when it all falls apart you can stand there and say "See, I knew it. I knew I was not worthy/loveable/needed/special etc.

 

I get that more than I would like to admit. I am not sure it this is where you are at but my goodness this has been the cycle my H and I have been on.

[tbf]

The doctor said I had depression and gave me medicine.

So you had IC with a doctor? What kind of medication and have you continued to take it?

[Grumpybutfun]

OP-

What do you think the underlying problems are with his inability to give you intimacy and sexual focus? You really sound as though you are starved for attention and are going to others to get it. If this is the case, the only way to get what you need from him is to make sure that he knows what you need and then for you to expect it. If he cannot comply due to erectile dysfunction, then he needs to see a medical professional for a full screening as this could be dangerous to his long term health. If he just refuses then you need to analyze if the benefits of your marriage for your children outweighs your emotional health.

Grumps

[janedoe67]

I take my meds every single day. I went to a counselor at the local mental health center first, but all she did was talk for most of the time and give me worksheets on how to function and stuff. I think the mental health center must have been for really really mentally ill people because I didn't need to help taking a shower and remembering what day it was.

 

I did see a psychologist for awhile who wanted to go all back through my childhood and one of her goals seemed to be to make me cry every week. I used to cry at anything but now I hardly ever cry so when I do it is a big long deal, therefore I try to avoid it.

 

I don't know about the worthiness angle. One part of me sees myself as a valuable and smart and talented and worthwhile person. But the other part of me thinks it must be a lie because I feel like to others I am good enough to be friends with or good enough to hook up with, but not good enough to actually love. I mean, it has to be me because I am the only common denominator. That sounds like a pity party and I don't want that. I want to be a better person.

[karnak]

Everyone thinks that every person should marry and have kids.

 

Not true.

 

Some people are really not fit for parenthood or marriage. I'm not saying that humans are polygamous or selfish by nature.

 

I'm just stating that some people are not meant to have lasting relationships or will never be good parents. Others, on the other hand are satisfied with a single partner for life and are really dedicated to kids.

 

Not all humans are similar. Different people, different goals in life.

 

The problem always occurs when a "polyamorous" person tries to settle with a single partner. Never works.

 

I, for instance, am a "one woman" kind of guy. But many men don't work that way and seem they can't live without seducing and banging the largest number of girls they can.

The same works for women, I guess.

[janedoe67]

I hope I am not like that. I want to be with one person who I love who loves me. I never NEVER thought I would be like this.

 

I think if I could get through the withdrawal and get my spiritual life in order and learn to be content I would be okay. I have really great kids, not sure how considering the messes I have made (though they don't know any of it). My husband is a good man.

 

I just think a lot of it is selfishness and ungratefulness and I have to change my thinking.