a serial cheater finally comes clean

[janedoe67]

One of the times recently that my husband and I talked about all this deep stuff, I told him I realized that really....he is the one person I should be able to trust above anyone else. He knows the "real" me more than anyone...even my parents, because growing up my life was all about trying to fit into the mold they carved out for me even if it meant suppressing parts of me. HE is the one who has been around for the transformation from janedoeclone to actual jane doe.

 

I really haven't trusted him, and I really hadn't forgiven HIM for things that hurt ME (which is sad consdering all he has been willing to forgive). I can't believe I didn't get it. I have spun out a lot of the manipulative (though subtly so) tactics I saw growing up in our marriage, but HE wasn't fooled, and he saw it for what it was...which I know created distance. Don't get me wrong; I know that he needs to look at the intimacy challenges on his end.....but I feel so firmly that I am seeing my own stuff - not just the cheating - more clearly.

[janedoe67]

I am going through the dreaded "turn all the anger I feel at myself for being a selfish cheater onto everyone on earth who also has made the same choice I did." I don't know why but I did this before too. It's like I am so disgusted and disappointed in myself I cannot fathom anyone else tolerating, glorifying, or justifying the same behavior. There may some honorable feeling in there somewhere but it can make me really judgmental and bitty-like. I need to concentrate on my own garbage and not go out on any crusades.

[janedoe67]

It is tough when the stresses on pressures of, well, LIFE wring you out in the midst of trying to rebuild. I am sooooo tired today, and I know my husband is even moreso.

[Spark1111]

I'm with Drifter......

 

Sometime those of us with f'd up childhoods and high IQ's can dazzle others with our BS.....and find a really, really safe haven to HIDE behind.....even our IC's are struck blind and dumb by our witty banter and self-deprecating honesty and humor.

 

we can fool the best of them and it gives us false hope and solace to do so.....as in, SEE? We are healthier than we believe because even the PH.D IC is smiling....

 

It IS ALL A FACADE... A very welcome one that enables us to feel superior and stronger than others in the same boat....because we are charming intellectuals.

 

DON'T BUY IT FOR A SECOND!

 

Unless you allow yourself to feel vulnerable, drop the smarts and feel your weak,out of control feelings....YOU are still hiding and will never break down the walls and make progress....

 

good luck! And I mean that sincerely.

[janedoe67]

I'm with Drifter......

 

Sometime those of us with f'd up childhoods and high IQ's can dazzle others with our BS.....and find a really, really safe haven to HIDE behind.....even our IC's are struck blind and dumb by our witty banter and self-deprecating honesty and humor.

 

we can fool the best of them and it gives us false hope and solace to do so.....as in, SEE? We are healthier than we believe because even the PH.D IC is smiling....

 

It IS ALL A FACADE... A very welcome one that enables us to feel superior and stronger than others in the same boat....because we are charming intellectuals.

 

DON'T BUY IT FOR A SECOND!

 

Unless you allow yourself to feel vulnerable, drop the smarts and feel your weak,out of control feelings....YOU are still hiding and will never break down the walls and make progress....

 

good luck! And I mean that sincerely.

 

Get out of my head!!

 

You're right though. I can bear about three days worth of abject sorrow...and then I have to find something to laugh about and make myself okay. My husband used to call my family the Cleavers because we could be yelling and crying and screaming at each other, and he would ring the doorbell, and 30 seconds later when someone answered it everyone was smiling and serene.

[Spark1111]

Get out of my head!!

 

You're right though. I can bear about three days worth of abject sorrow...and then I have to find something to laugh about and make myself okay. My husband used to call my family the Cleavers because we could be yelling and crying and screaming at each other, and he would ring the doorbell, and 30 seconds later when someone answered it everyone was smiling and serene.

 

our coping mechanisms are learned very young....Have the courage to go back there....strip the facades of fun, humorous and intellectual deflections and try, TRY, try to get real and vulnerable about what you need, why you never got it, and WHY you still seek it in all the wrong and destructive places today.

 

keep crying......your way to whole ness.

[janedoe67]

Horrible morning, though I think for hub it might have been a good thing because he actually expressed and vented some anger that I KNOW he has to have been wrestling with. It started over a misunderstanding about a bill, and then I got defensive, and then he got hurt, and then it just got bad, and he ended up saying "Why don't you go call (fill in the blank with a couple of male names) and I'm sure talking about (insert slang sex word here) with them and sending them pictures of your (slang term) will make you all feel better."

 

And you know, I am saying he needed to say that. Just like it isn't healthy for me to try not to be sad for too many days in a row, he can't bottle up all this anger. I wish I could say I immediately crumbled, but I shot back "I heard (insert name of gay male) is single now." I used to wonder if he was gay since he never wanted sex.

 

Eventually we cooled off and then really talked, but I am so angry with myself. I was not the kind of person I want to be at all.

[drifter777]

Horrible morning, though I think for hub it might have been a good thing because he actually expressed and vented some anger that I KNOW he has to have been wrestling with. It started over a misunderstanding about a bill, and then I got defensive, and then he got hurt, and then it just got bad, and he ended up saying "Why don't you go call (fill in the blank with a couple of male names) and I'm sure talking about (insert slang sex word here) with them and sending them pictures of your (slang term) will make you all feel better."

 

And you know, I am saying he needed to say that. Just like it isn't healthy for me to try not to be sad for too many days in a row, he can't bottle up all this anger. I wish I could say I immediately crumbled, but I shot back "I heard (insert name of gay male) is single now." I used to wonder if he was gay since he never wanted sex.

 

Eventually we cooled off and then really talked, but I am so angry with myself. I was not the kind of person I want to be at all.

 

The angry response by your husband is indicative of his true, repressed feelings. It's likely he is feeling ashamed of your slutty behavior, ashamed that he is "allowing" it by not divorcing you, emasculated, anger punctuated by bouts of rage, and intense, my-world-is-shattered fear and sorrow. He may have started passive-aggressive behavior and, if not, expect it to begin any time now.

 

Today you have a handle on what started the angry outburst. If he begins to respond like a typical BH, the mind movies of you having sex with OM will start crashing into his brain at random times. These images are crushing. It's like living the whole horror all over again only this time you don't feel as accepting as you pretended to be back on d-day.

 

You guys need marriage counseling badly. You both need IC badly. The roller coaster ride that is your marriage after infidelity is just beginning and its a rough, painful road.

[janedoe67]

Yes, I think he NEEDS to be able to express and deal with his anger and hurt. I can't pretend to know how much it must hurt. I am back in IC. He has reservations about MC and doesn't want to discuss anything past the immediate future, which I respect. In my mind, to push him would be to minimize his pain.

 

I do want to find a healthy way and place to work through my own crap, though. Because my response about the single gay guy was out of line. The horrible truth is that before I spouted that off, my original thought had to do with a barb about our sexless marriage. When he is expressing his anger and hurt about affairs, my hurt over being in a sexless and touchless marriage doesn't need to be mentioned because it is a deflection.

 

BUT...that is something I HAVE to deal with because if I do not make peace with it and deal with the effects of that then I will just hang back from him or I will be stuck in this terrible cycle.Sometimes I wish the sexless part HAD started AFTER the affair instead of being a consistent feature of our marriage for years before. I could more easily handle a husband who didn't want to touch me because I had cheated than one who didn't want to touch me way before I cheated. I still wrestle with it being valid for that to hurt and me not being entitled to any hurt because I cheated.

 

Som

[janedoe67]

Okay, I am not sure what to do here, except maybe just....give some time?

 

One thing that my husband said when he found the messages that led to all this coming out was that he didn't understand why I didn't turn all that talk and flirting on him. Well, honestly I had tried that through the years and he gets embarrassed and uncomfortable and I would end up feeling stupid and rejected. So I stopped. Not an excuse for what I did AT ALL but that was the honest truth. When I told him that it seemed to bother him and make him uncomfortable he said, "So what? Maybe after awhile I would get used to it and like it."

 

I have mulled that over for a few weeks, and for some reason Saturday I was just feeling flirty and kind of light hearted. So while I was at the store and waiting in an really long line I sent him a text about his cute butt (he does have a nice one). He responded by asking me if the text was meant for him and that given the last few weeks maybe it wasn't a good idea. I thought for a few minutes about whether to A)just reassure him it was for him B) reassure him it was for him and apologize C) do both of those and also tell him that he said I should turn my flirting onto him. I wasn't sure about C because I didn't want it to sound like I was throwing something off on him. But then again, one of the things that I did that left me open to being vulnerable after the first affair was just shove down things like that and ignore my needs because hey, once you have cheated you don't have a right to need anything. (BTW, my husband never ever thought I didn't have a right to need anything. I took that little nugget of wisdom from elsewhere)

 

So I took option C. He texted back that he understood, but probably it would be best to use his name in the text and reassure him it was for him. Understandable. Completely understandable.

 

Except now I feel really sad? I feel bad because I tried it and it triggered him. On one hand, like I said, I felt flirty. On the other, I had to screw up a lot of courage just to send that one text to him. Sending it was an exercise in conquering fear and being vulnerable (maybe that sounds weird but it is true). I'm not sure it was the right thing. I also found this cute card at the store. It has two spoons on the front and says "I love spooning with you." On the inside there's a forking winking and it says, "and of course, I love the forking too." It made me laugh out loud.

 

I am thinking I shouldn't give it to him though. I just have no idea. I am not used to having to think so hard about whether or not to do what comes naturally for me.

[aliveagain]

Nothing offered with love will hurt your spouse, don't stop, I promise you the landscape will change. Get past the awkwardness, you married him remember? This is the only man that you should elevate with your flirting, make it exclusively his again. today is the start of that process.

[drifter777]

Okay, I am not sure what to do here, except maybe just....give some time?

 

One thing that my husband said when he found the messages that led to all this coming out was that he didn't understand why I didn't turn all that talk and flirting on him. Well, honestly I had tried that through the years and he gets embarrassed and uncomfortable and I would end up feeling stupid and rejected. So I stopped. Not an excuse for what I did AT ALL but that was the honest truth. When I told him that it seemed to bother him and make him uncomfortable he said, "So what? Maybe after awhile I would get used to it and like it."

 

I have mulled that over for a few weeks, and for some reason Saturday I was just feeling flirty and kind of light hearted. So while I was at the store and waiting in an really long line I sent him a text about his cute butt (he does have a nice one). He responded by asking me if the text was meant for him and that given the last few weeks maybe it wasn't a good idea. I thought for a few minutes about whether to A)just reassure him it was for him B) reassure him it was for him and apologize C) do both of those and also tell him that he said I should turn my flirting onto him. I wasn't sure about C because I didn't want it to sound like I was throwing something off on him. But then again, one of the things that I did that left me open to being vulnerable after the first affair was just shove down things like that and ignore my needs because hey, once you have cheated you don't have a right to need anything. (BTW, my husband never ever thought I didn't have a right to need anything. I took that little nugget of wisdom from elsewhere)

 

So I took option C. He texted back that he understood, but probably it would be best to use his name in the text and reassure him it was for him. Understandable. Completely understandable.

 

Except now I feel really sad? I feel bad because I tried it and it triggered him. On one hand, like I said, I felt flirty. On the other, I had to screw up a lot of courage just to send that one text to him. Sending it was an exercise in conquering fear and being vulnerable (maybe that sounds weird but it is true). I'm not sure it was the right thing. I also found this cute card at the store. It has two spoons on the front and says "I love spooning with you." On the inside there's a forking winking and it says, "and of course, I love the forking too." It made me laugh out loud.

 

I am thinking I shouldn't give it to him though. I just have no idea. I am not used to having to think so hard about whether or not to do what comes naturally for me.

 

Look, you are going to have to do things like this and more until you prove to him that you; a) love him, are sorry and worthy of his trust and b) that you truly understand how much you hurt him and are willing to do anything to make it up to him. If you aren't willing to do these things, if it seems too hard and you are already growing impatient with him then end your marriage now before you hurt him anymore. I've told you this same thing in a previous post but you don't seem to want to hear it. This is not about you - he is the injured party. If you want forgiveness - even just his acceptance - you have to earn it. You have a long road and a lot of work ahead of you. Dig in and try or bail out.

[janedoe67]

very wise words drifter. I definitely do not want to bail out, and I am not gonna let a bit of discomfort keep me from trying. One thing I know I did years ago that was unhealthy was adopting the stance that since I was the cheater, I basically had no right to emotions. My only job was to suck it up, realize that all my hurt was my own fault, zip it up, and help my husband.

 

I definitely know that helping my husband is priority one. But all that...sucking up and shoving down of my own emotions back then didn't work. I had this surgery once that was really gross. It had to heal from the inside out because you couldn't sew it up like a regular incision. You just had to clean it, pack it, etc several times a day and let it "grow back" from the inside out - stitches would just trap all the potential infection inside.

 

I did that before. I told myself every time I felt afraid or lonely or hurt or uncertain that I made my bed and I had better lie in it silently. And when hysterical bonding and the momentum of us "reclaiming each other" wound down and we oozed slowly but surely back into the platonic roommate-ness of marriage, I told myself that a cheater like me should just be lucky I still HAD a husband. And then more years passed and I had proven myself more than trustworthy and he had fully forgiven and had told me on more than one occasion that the A was a non-issue, just a piece of the past....and I finally started asking for what I needed.....and that opened the floodgates to a bunch of pent up emotion that scared the crap out of me. And we all see where I went instead of sticking to it.

 

I think this time around I don't need to give myself emotional stitches. I have to have a place where I can talk out and look at things and then go on doing what I know I need to do.

 

I don't know if that makes any sense.

[drifter777]

very wise words drifter. I definitely do not want to bail out, and I am not gonna let a bit of discomfort keep me from trying. One thing I know I did years ago that was unhealthy was adopting the stance that since I was the cheater, I basically had no right to emotions. My only job was to suck it up, realize that all my hurt was my own fault, zip it up, and help my husband.

 

I definitely know that helping my husband is priority one. But all that...sucking up and shoving down of my own emotions back then didn't work. I had this surgery once that was really gross. It had to heal from the inside out because you couldn't sew it up like a regular incision. You just had to clean it, pack it, etc several times a day and let it "grow back" from the inside out - stitches would just trap all the potential infection inside.

 

I did that before. I told myself every time I felt afraid or lonely or hurt or uncertain that I made my bed and I had better lie in it silently. And when hysterical bonding and the momentum of us "reclaiming each other" wound down and we oozed slowly but surely back into the platonic roommate-ness of marriage, I told myself that a cheater like me should just be lucky I still HAD a husband. And then more years passed and I had proven myself more than trustworthy and he had fully forgiven and had told me on more than one occasion that the A was a non-issue, just a piece of the past....and I finally started asking for what I needed.....and that opened the floodgates to a bunch of pent up emotion that scared the crap out of me. And we all see where I went instead of sticking to it.

 

I think this time around I don't need to give myself emotional stitches. I have to have a place where I can talk out and look at things and then go on doing what I know I need to do.

 

I don't know if that makes any sense.

 

If this means your counselor then it makes perfect sense and is by far the best way to go. Your husband should not be expected to take care of your emotional needs right now but that doesn't mean you don't have any. If IC is not what you mean then it doesn't make any sense.

 

Don't be soft on yourself and a counselor should be able to help you to not be TOO hard on yourself. You did a horribly selfish, uncaring thing and need to work hard to patch up your marriage.

 

If you want to end your marriage it is much better to simply divorce then to try to kill it by having sex with other guys. That's why I continue to urge that you decide whether all the work of reconciliation is worth it to you. When you refer to your past affair & attempt to patch over it only to have things fall back to the unsatisfying way your marriage used to be, it makes me wonder whether you are reminding yourself what a waste of years it turned out to be. Will this time be any better? There's no guarantee your husband will become the man you want him to be. Can you accept this risk? Is it worth it to try again?

[janedoe67]

I do think it is worth it to try again.

 

There are several facts that I know to be true in my deepest being:

 

Having an affair is wrong

I am responsible for my own choices

My choice to have affairs is MY responsibility

No matter what someone does or does not do....that does NOT mitigate my wrong choices

When I make a wrong choices, there is fallout, there are consequences, and part of taking responsibility is accepting that and dealing with it gracefully and not resentfully

We when hurt someone, we need to try to make amends

 

Those are all things that are absolutely true. That was the only mantra I had before. And it does need to be my loudest, strongest, most consistent mantra now.

 

What I am trying to do if figure out how to balance that with an entirely separate issue.

 

If I could excise the affairs completely.....I would be left with a marriage that had serious issues. Some of them mine. Some of them my husband's. And even without an affair ever having occurred...those issues could potentially kill a marriage.

 

There is also the issue of sexual betrayal. An affair is the most glaring of the sexual betrayals. It is selfish, hurtful, deceitful, and destructive.

 

There is no excuse for it.

 

But...making a vow to be one flesh and cleave to each other and then withholding that touch, that intimacy, that "one flesh" is also a sexual betrayal. It is wrong, it is hurtful, and it is destructive to a marriage. I cannot say it is deceitful because as two virgins marrying in a very conservative church, we had no frame of reference, and it certainly wasn't talked about because that might "tempt" us to "lust" after each other (the horror!).

 

I cannot use his betrayal of me to excuse my affair.

 

He cannot use my affair to excuse his betrayal....because that began many years before I had ever had one.

 

So the question becomes not who is most wrong because I need to take responsibility for my stuff regardless. The question becomes....what kind of marriage do we want to have, and does that kind of marriage take work on both sides? And once infidelity enters the picture, does that mean the BS gets a lifetime free pass from working on the marriage or meeting their spouse's needs?

 

And I think that sometimes my problem is that I firmly believe that the answer to that last question is NO...not if the couple plans to stay married.

[Darth Vader]

Look, you are going to have to do things like this and more until you prove to him that you; a) love him, are sorry and worthy of his trust and b) that you truly understand how much you hurt him and are willing to do anything to make it up to him. If you aren't willing to do these things, if it seems too hard and you are already growing impatient with him then end your marriage now before you hurt him anymore. I've told you this same thing in a previous post but you don't seem to want to hear it. This is not about you - he is the injured party. If you want forgiveness - even just his acceptance - you have to earn it. You have a long road and a lot of work ahead of you. Dig in and try or bail out.

 

 

It's funny how she never thought about her poor Husband when she was straddling and Riding other men's d@cks!

 

Oh, but, now she "feels" his pain!? PLEASE!

 

He hasn't even hit the "anger" stage yet! He won't be able to hold that back! It's coming! Especially after multiple affairs! He's just got to be thinking to himself "MY GOD! When do I get to go and have my fun!?":sick:

[Darth Vader]

There could be a possibility that your Husband has Low T, perhaps very Low T (Testosterone).

 

If he doesn't know he has it, he can't fight it, he can't do anything about it! It's also common among Men!

 

Hence, the lack of need for sex!

Edited July 1, 2013 by Darth Vader

[janedoe67]

You are right. I wasn't thinking of my husband then. Well, in some ways I was. I was thinking: I didn't get married to have a platonic roommate. I could have done that without all the other stuff. He doesn't care anyway as long as I don't try to touch him and there is supper to eat and he has sock every morning. After all the stuff we have been through including all his lost jobs, his thousands of dollars of gaming, and his chats with men on the computer which should have given me a clue a long time ago, screw this. I am going to have at least a little bit of feeling like a woman someone wants. I am going to have a few hours of touch. Why would an ambiguous asexual get married anyway?? Because he was going to be a Baptist minister and there were already questions about his "leanings," so he needed a wife. That's what he said in the living room that night all those years ago: I need you Jane. Not I love you or a I desire you....I need you. How could I have been so stupid??? I'm tired of crying almost every night and having my chest ache because I want SOMEONE to touch me, and I'm not having this conversation again with him where he acts like he has no idea that it was bothering me. Of course who can blame him growing up in that house of socially awkward fellow asexuals?? I hate that I grew up in a church where we couldn't talk about stuff like this. I hate that I grew up with parents who were in love with each other because I should have known it would make my standards too high. Of course, I do have this big nose and I'm probably ugly. Probably no one would want me. Why did God make me someone who needs touch and then not give it to me??? I did everything just like I was taught; I waited 25 years!! THIS is my life????

 

 

Know that I realize now just how selfish all the above is. But that is where my mind was. I was so hurt and angry and stubborn and lonely and self-centered and afraid and stupid that I just didn't care....as long as someone touched me.

 

None of it excuses an affair, much less more than one. But I also have gone through the emotion of wishing I had never ever cheated on him - not just because it is so wrong - but because maybe if I had not cheated someone would give a crap that living alone in a marriage for decades is hell.

 

THAT is the gut level honesty that the voices in my head (no, not THOSE kinds of voices) tell me I have no right to feel. Because I am just Hester Prynne, a slut, a trashy failure of a wife and screw-up of a mother who needs to take her medicine and see herself for who she is:

 

Dirty, worthless, and unredeemable. This is where I start to wonder if it is worth the 80 bucks to go back to counseling again on Friday because who the hell am I to deserve to "feel better"?

[janedoe67]

I forgot to mention that at his very recent doctor appointment he actually asked the doctor to test his T levels. This was something he flatly refused to do before, though he has pretty much every sign. I smiled and told him thank you and said that if the doctor finds something off that he can help so that he will feel better. After he left the room I cried because I was so grateful that he finally asked for the test, and I felt terrible for being so grateful.

 

Everything in me wants to delete my previous post, but I'm not going to. It will probably invite.....flak, but my fear of honest feelings has already screwed me over enough.

[aliveagain]

Did you conceive a daughter, are you worried that she may not be your husbands? The book is full of sin and guilt and repentance, what point are you at?

[Darth Vader]

I forgot to mention that at his very recent doctor appointment he actually asked the doctor to test his T levels. This was something he flatly refused to do before, though he has pretty much every sign. I smiled and told him thank you and said that if the doctor finds something off that he can help so that he will feel better. After he left the room I cried because I was so grateful that he finally asked for the test, and I felt terrible for being so grateful.

 

Everything in me wants to delete my previous post, but I'm not going to. It will probably invite.....flak, but my fear of honest feelings has already screwed me over enough.

 

 

So........ What were the results? It would be ashamed that it were to come back that he has low T, and all this crap of being cheated on happened to him just as a result of aging and having low T and not having the right level of sex drive. Talk about suffering for nothing! It's not his fault for having low T, but he sure gets Hell for it (from the cheating) and he probably feels like he gets blame for it as well as feeling as it's his fault!

[Zenstudent]

I forgot to mention that at his very recent doctor appointment he actually asked the doctor to test his T levels. This was something he flatly refused to do before, though he has pretty much every sign. I smiled and told him thank you and said that if the doctor finds something off that he can help so that he will feel better. After he left the room I cried because I was so grateful that he finally asked for the test, and I felt terrible for being so grateful.

 

Everything in me wants to delete my previous post, but I'm not going to. It will probably invite.....flak, but my fear of honest feelings has already screwed me over enough.

I just want to say, I think you're moving in the right direction, jane. You're asking yourself the right questions and show that you are working on it. Keep moving.

[janedoe67]

All our children were born before any affair, so I am thankful not to have to worry about parentage.

 

Yes, it would be a shame if low T was a recent contributing factor. It's hard to believe he would have had low T at 30, but it could have been. Of course, it does make me wonder why he flatly refused to consider it or ask a doctor about it all the times I begged.

 

Look, there is no doubt that my husband has gotten a horrible deal. He married a sweet Christian virgin and she morphed into someone who has repeatedly cheated. There is no way that is fair or right or excusable. It is also true - regardless of subsequent affairs - that living a marriage without touch or intimacy of having the one need that should never be met outside marriage refuse to be met isn't right either. We repeatedly hurt each other, promised change, and did not deliver. We both knew exactly what the other needed - faithfulness (of different kinds of course) and we both knowingly, purposefully chose not to meet those needs and damn the consequences.

 

I completely get that the sexual betrayals I committed are and will always be perceived as eons worse. And because I am accountable for MY actions and not his, my actions are the ones I need to deal with and change.

 

I also know - this time around - that there is one man on this planet to whom I owe amends: My husband. There is one man on the planet whose perception of my repentance, remorse, change, rebuilding of trust, etc. matters: My husband. Just that knowledge will, I think, make a difference this time because instead of feeling as if I not only have convince him, my only marital responsibility is to him, will help us both. He already knew that.

 

I am prepared to help him to heal through anger, through endless questions, through accountability, through distance, through closeness, through whatever.

 

And once he is able to think of anything except how much this hurts, he will make the decision to be the husband he promised to be or he won't. I have decided to be the wife I promised to be. And if, in time, it becomes clear that he does not want to be a husband, but rather a platonic friend, than I will make whatever decision is necessary at that time, whether it be learning to be content with a roommate, or leaving for good.

[Turtles]

So........ What were the results? It would be ashamed that it were to come back that he has low T, and all this crap of being cheated on happened to him just as a result of aging and having low T and not having the right level of sex drive. Talk about suffering for nothing! It's not his fault for having low T, but he sure gets Hell for it (from the cheating) and he probably feels like he gets blame for it as well as feeling as it's his fault!

 

I think that logic is backward... if he is asexual (or homosexual for that matter), then that's not something he has control over. However if he has low T that is something he could & should have sought treatment for. So most definitely "his fault" in that case (not that I think the finger pointing is productive at all but neither is holding one of the parties as a saint solely because the other one has cheated)

[Turtles]

All our children were born before any affair, so I am thankful not to have to worry about parentage.

 

Yes, it would be a shame if low T was a recent contributing factor. It's hard to believe he would have had low T at 30, but it could have been. Of course, it does make me wonder why he flatly refused to consider it or ask a doctor about it all the times I begged.

 

Look, there is no doubt that my husband has gotten a horrible deal. He married a sweet Christian virgin and she morphed into someone who has repeatedly cheated. There is no way that is fair or right or excusable. It is also true - regardless of subsequent affairs - that living a marriage without touch or intimacy of having the one need that should never be met outside marriage refuse to be met isn't right either. We repeatedly hurt each other, promised change, and did not deliver. We both knew exactly what the other needed - faithfulness (of different kinds of course) and we both knowingly, purposefully chose not to meet those needs and damn the consequences.

 

I completely get that the sexual betrayals I committed are and will always be perceived as eons worse. And because I am accountable for MY actions and not his, my actions are the ones I need to deal with and change.

 

I also know - this time around - that there is one man on this planet to whom I owe amends: My husband. There is one man on the planet whose perception of my repentance, remorse, change, rebuilding of trust, etc. matters: My husband. Just that knowledge will, I think, make a difference this time because instead of feeling as if I not only have convince him, my only marital responsibility is to him, will help us both. He already knew that.

 

I am prepared to help him to heal through anger, through endless questions, through accountability, through distance, through closeness, through whatever.

 

And once he is able to think of anything except how much this hurts, he will make the decision to be the husband he promised to be or he won't. I have decided to be the wife I promised to be. And if, in time, it becomes clear that he does not want to be a husband, but rather a platonic friend, than I will make whatever decision is necessary at that time, whether it be learning to be content with a roommate, or leaving for good.

 

It seems like a very good attitude, and very brave of you to stick it through. I wish you good luck & courage.