sammy333 Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 i honestly think its great. u can cheat, your husband knows about it and wont leave? would be fine with me if my husband would have been like that have fun !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author janedoe67 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 i honestly think its great. u can cheat, your husband knows about it and wont leave? would be fine with me if my husband would have been like that have fun !!! It actually isn't great. Cheating is wrong. I honestly don't know why he stays. I mean, he could probably get custody of the kids even after all my antics, so that can't be the reason. And though I work, I am not the main breadwinner so that can't be the reason. What is great is a marriage in which the two people are in love with each other, want to be a husband and wife to each other, meet each other's needs, and work together. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I think that logic is backward... if he is asexual (or homosexual for that matter), then that's not something he has control over. However if he has low T that is something he could & should have sought treatment for. So most definitely "his fault" in that case (not that I think the finger pointing is productive at all but neither is holding one of the parties as a saint solely because the other one has cheated) Diagnosing low T is a relativley new phenomenon like within the past few years. No man would have imagined that such a thing was possible until we started being bombarded by the drug companies anxious to sell us something else. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 might be that your husband has some co-dependency issues. maybe that's why he won't leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author janedoe67 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 might be that your husband has some co-dependency issues. maybe that's why he won't leave. That could be true. And I don't think, looking back, I did him or us any favors by taking over the "caretaker" type role from his mom at times. I thought I was being all helpful, but when you think about it, treating a man like an patient is VERY disrespectful to his manhood. I am ashamed to look back and see all the ways I was trying to "fix him." Fix him and try to make him more assertive. Fix him and try to make him want sex. Fix him and try to make him more social. Then I just went to the other extreme and tried to adapt myself to just cut off all the stuff that didn't match him. For someone who said she wanted to be a submissive wife I sure have tried to control a whole lot, and I sure have dealt with it crappily when I couldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
simonkoh21173 Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 (edited) Im simon koh not faithful to awyanghailoon. And i made my mistress pregnant and i leave her after i convince her to do abortion. Im from singapore working in bcd and i have own business in jb. Edited July 3, 2013 by simonkoh21173 Link to post Share on other sites
Author janedoe67 Posted July 3, 2013 Author Share Posted July 3, 2013 Sometimes when you read others' stories and the reflection in that mirror shows you what you were/are/don;t want to be....it is very sobering. I have a long way to go. I deserve no trust OR forgiveness from my husband. But I hope to GOD I can become a new person and I resolve right here right now that I will not stop digging and asking the hard questions and checking in with him and crying in counseling and taking the 2X4's until I get there. Please GOD don't ever let me look at the damage I inflicted and go "meh.." Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 Diagnosing low T is a relativley new phenomenon like within the past few years. No man would have imagined that such a thing was possible until we started being bombarded by the drug companies anxious to sell us something else. OP's timeline was 4 years, not THAT long ago, but it's not even that relevant - what matters is the total lack of concern of the husband for her wife's need. Basically telling her "you want sex? Tough ****, I don't, and I don't care." I would raise hell if my wife told me that. Actually, she did, and we divorced a few months later - why? not because she was not interested in sex, but because she refused to acknowledge it as a problem (though that was only one of our issues and not the biggest one). I don't think that's going to be OP's course because she is convinced the fault rests squarely on her, and that her husband is capable of changing to meet her needs with enough effort - that's her prerogative and I hope she can make it work, she certainly seems very committed and I admire that in her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 (edited) I think that logic is backward... if he is asexual (or homosexual for that matter), then that's not something he has control over. However if he has low T that is something he could & should have sought treatment for. So most definitely "his fault" in that case (not that I think the finger pointing is productive at all but neither is holding one of the parties as a saint solely because the other one has cheated) No, your logic is flawed! If he had no idea his T levels were low, then how is that his fault? It's NOT! Edited July 4, 2013 by Darth Vader Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted July 4, 2013 Share Posted July 4, 2013 No, your logic is flawed! If he had no idea his T levels were low, then how is that his fault? It's NOT! Hey, if my car doesn't run, I bring it to the mechanic. If I don't, it's not the car's fault, it's mine. Doesn't matter WHY it doesn't run. Then if he finds that the engine melted all on its own, then maybe I can blame the car. "I didn't know" is a child's excuse, not an adult's. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author janedoe67 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Share Posted July 4, 2013 Low T is moot. He told me last night that the doctor said all his test results were normal except cholesterol. Now I feel bad for asking him to have it tested for all those years. And I am wondering if this is something I need to let go of - the sex thing - because it just makes him feel like he's...abnormal, I think? Because he just doesn't care one way or the other about sex in general. I don't want him to feel like some freak of nature. That is how I felt for years for being a woman with a higher drive. Besides, we need to work through my infidelities - that is priority one. He also needs a job. And I definitely need advice on how to support him there. He lost his job in the spring, and so far he has been on one interview and has applied for...I think five jobs. He said he wanted me to look for things for him too, but there always seem to be reasons why he isn't qualified enough or he doesn't want to live there or he heard so-and-so "who he doesn't get along with" is working there now....or something. I know he is a person who likes to talk through all the potential pitfalls beforehand, but his severance runs out in a month, and I am terrified. He lost a job when our kids were younger than school age, and we went through all the severance, went through all the profit from the sale of our house, and ended up moving and making it through the first few weeks in the new place with donations from our church and help from our parents. I got a part time job then, but he kept telling me we might move anytime so I didn't get a full time job. I have a job now, but there is no way it will support us, even with the unemployment he gets once the severance runs out. This kind of thing has happened before, which is why all of my vested retirement is gone too - it went to help us live. That is a whole other issue that makes me feel very insecure, but I know that isn't what this thread is about. However, it is getting very hard to be patient and know that, well, being evicted and not paying bills and all of that are very real possibilities within a very few months. I am feeling myself start to find it really hard to hold everything together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author janedoe67 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Share Posted July 5, 2013 If he has normal "T", is not homosexual, you're reasonably attractive, it is guaranteed he is having sex with someone. If it's not with men, and it's not with women, then who is there left for him to have sex with? How much do you really know about your husband? Also if neither of you have a full time job you need to put all this affair stuff completely on the back burner and both of you focus 100% of all your energy on making money. Once you are financially stable you can come back to the marital stuff. I know it sounds strange, especially for a man, but he really just never has considered sex important, and he is not a very touch-oriented person. Looking back, I can't believe I didn't see it sooner. I mean, even on our honeymoon, he just stayed up later and later every night....almost until dawn by the end. He was waiting me out. He swears that he just doesn't think about it and doesn't need it. Orientation occasionally niggles in the back of my brain just because of the oddly close male friendships in his history and the fact that he looked at gay porn for awhile earlier in our marriage and chatted with a couple of men. But he claims it was just being sheltered and being curious. He had a full time job until April. I have looked since we moved to this small area, but haven't found anything in my field, so I am working out of field right now as well as doing another job that isn't regular but does generate some income. I've been filling out apps right and left. Yes, finding jobs is a huge priority. I really don't think there is anyone else. I just think he is....asexual. It would make sense if you knew his family as well. He has struggled with lots of gaming to the tune of quite a few thousands of dollars, but he says that is under control now, and I am not seeing a lot of that spending on our bank statements anymore. I want to be an honorable person again and do what I can to make amends and do some serious work on myself. I have no control over what he chooses to do....but it also isn't an excuse for anything I chose to do. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 I know it sounds strange, especially for a man, but he really just never has considered sex important, and he is not a very touch-oriented person. Looking back, I can't believe I didn't see it sooner. I mean, even on our honeymoon, he just stayed up later and later every night....almost until dawn by the end. He was waiting me out. He swears that he just doesn't think about it and doesn't need it. Orientation occasionally niggles in the back of my brain just because of the oddly close male friendships in his history and the fact that he looked at gay porn for awhile earlier in our marriage and chatted with a couple of men. But he claims it was just being sheltered and being curious. He had a full time job until April. I have looked since we moved to this small area, but haven't found anything in my field, so I am working out of field right now as well as doing another job that isn't regular but does generate some income. I've been filling out apps right and left. Yes, finding jobs is a huge priority. I really don't think there is anyone else. I just think he is....asexual. It would make sense if you knew his family as well. He has struggled with lots of gaming to the tune of quite a few thousands of dollars, but he says that is under control now, and I am not seeing a lot of that spending on our bank statements anymore. I want to be an honorable person again and do what I can to make amends and do some serious work on myself. I have no control over what he chooses to do....but it also isn't an excuse for anything I chose to do. Ummmmm..no straight man will have anything to do with gay porn. It will disgust a straight man to no end to see two men caressing and touching each other. Two women maybe, but never two men. Has he been sexually abused by a man? This can mess up most men and make their orientation confusing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 janedoe: SoulStorm is on to something here. He's right about straight men being disgusted by gay porn and his question about sexual abuse is on target. If your husband is not in counseling suggest he start - I hope he does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author janedoe67 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Share Posted July 5, 2013 Even if he does have those leanings, between the religious upbringing and his family, I don't think he would ever be able to admit it. And that makes me sad for him (IF that is the case). I mean, I kept secrets because I was doing something wrong, and I made my bed. But how awful it would be for someone to have to hide who they ARE when...we just are who we are, and it isn't some conscious choice to be wrong. I think the picking apart every job possibility thing comes from just having no faith in himself, which sadly I did my part in contributing to. Thing is, he IS smart and capable and talented....but he seems so....set on failing? In his last job, I could see the beginning of the end a year before it happened because the right person said the wrong thing about a part of his job performance and he just deflated and from then on started talking about how he probably wasn't going to have a job for long. We just think so differently. If someone told me this or that needed work or wasn't up to par, it would sting, but then I would just get in there and work my butt off until it was so good they were dazzled. I am not 100% sure I am completely "qualified" for every job I have sent apps to, but I figure cast a wide net for more options. I don't know HOW to soothe and be supportive and patient after a time. And then I keep going back to how much I hurt him, and I just want to leave him alone except for trying to make amends and let the job chips fall wherever.....but we have to eat. And I am not even the man of the house. If all this is stressing me out, then I can't imagine how he feels about it. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 What's missing in all this is communication. Forget all the rest and just focus on improving communication and making it safe for both of you to tell the truth - ALL of the truth. You'll probably need an MC for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 (edited) sounds like he suffers from low self-esteem. has he always been this way? i can see how this might be a "turn-off" for you. of course, this is no excuse for cheating on him, but your image of him has suffered because of his behavior and his negativity. when you say you've"contributed" to his sense of worthlessness, what do you mean? do you verbally berate him? Edited July 5, 2013 by Artie Lang Link to post Share on other sites
Author janedoe67 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Share Posted July 5, 2013 sounds like he suffers from low self-esteem. has he always been this way? i can see how this might be a "turn-off" for you. of course, this is no excuse for cheating on him, but your image of him has suffered because of his behavior and his negativity. when you say you've"contributed" to his sense of worthlessness, what do you mean? do you verbally berate him? Well, my cheating certainly hurt his self-image, I am sure. I am sort of a cheerleader by nature, so I try my best to admire and point out what he does well. When he lost his job I reminded him of all the positive things he had done, all the ways he had contributed to the program's growth, etc. I try to build him up. BUT...I do confess that I am a "don't just sit there, do something," kind of person, so sometimes I do get impatient and push him to "step up and do something already." And I do get frustrated at times when, for example, he will go all day without eating (and there IS food in the house) if I am gone or at work and then he says his sugar is low but just sits there until I either get him something or prompt him to get something. I need to learn to just let go and lay off and let him take care of it or not take care of it instead of getting frustrated and stepping in. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 Low blood sugar, that may be his way of getting your attention. You need to get to a place where you can both be brutally honest with each other, you need to talk. I just read about his possibly liking men, everything is possible I guess. I had a friend that was quite a man's man but didn't want to disclose the fact he was intrigued and interested in men (possibly bisexual) so he allowed his wife to swing with other men. He would participate after the OM finished in her. This was his way of being with another man, she had unprotected sex with the other male, he than had her last and that was his way of sharing the event. Could this be the situation with your husband? Have you discussed having a threesome with your husband and OM? How would he react to the suggestion? I am just looking for middle ground and not meant in a way to hurt you or your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author janedoe67 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Share Posted July 5, 2013 You are right about the honesty...even about the uncomfortable things. I cannot imagine him being open to threesomes or open marriage. I know I can't imagine ME in a threesome! I just really want an intimate loving marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 5, 2013 Share Posted July 5, 2013 Have you done the Love Buster and the Emotional Needs questionnaires? Link to post Share on other sites
Author janedoe67 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Share Posted July 5, 2013 Have you done the Love Buster and the Emotional Needs questionnaires? Yes. My husband has an aversion to that particular program for a few reasons. I think it has some really good stuff in it, but he irrationally blames it for keeping me "in the pit of despair" as he calls it for so long after my first affair. I know it doesn't make sense but I've tried t bring it up and his back just stiffens. I also think that he doesn't like the idea of emotional needs because he thinks some of them aren't real needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author janedoe67 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Share Posted July 5, 2013 Does he spend much time around children? If you're insistent on excluding 1) men & 2) women as sexual partners, that only leaves 3) children and 4) animals. Do you have a cat or a dog? Is it having difficulty sitting down? He isn't a pedophile or a.....whatever animal people are. I really think he is either A)asexual or B)has homosexual feelings and is afraid to admit them The asexual option seems more likely, as he hardly dated at all, never really went through that "raging hormone teenager" phase, and never even really notices hot women or any of that other stuff. I did have a chance to regain a bit of trust today when we were trying to watch a movie and the email address to the netflix account was one he didn't know about - not a "secret" account, just one I had created for a job I had. He asked to check it and found nothing suspect there, which seemed to be a good thing. I know he has been checking my cell phone because I haven't been able to find it a couple of times. I'm hoping that as he checks and finds nothing he will begin to feel better in time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 Hey, if my car doesn't run, I bring it to the mechanic. If I don't, it's not the car's fault, it's mine. Doesn't matter WHY it doesn't run. Then if he finds that the engine melted all on its own, then maybe I can blame the car. "I didn't know" is a child's excuse, not an adult's. Then tell me, how does one "know" they have low T? There's no gauges or warning lights to come on! Oh! I forgot, they could always use a Vulcan Mind meld, That's it! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 Well, my cheating certainly hurt his self-image, I am sure. I am sort of a cheerleader by nature, so I try my best to admire and point out what he does well. When he lost his job I reminded him of all the positive things he had done, all the ways he had contributed to the program's growth, etc. I try to build him up. BUT...I do confess that I am a "don't just sit there, do something," kind of person, so sometimes I do get impatient and push him to "step up and do something already." And I do get frustrated at times when, for example, he will go all day without eating (and there IS food in the house) if I am gone or at work and then he says his sugar is low but just sits there until I either get him something or prompt him to get something. I need to learn to just let go and lay off and let him take care of it or not take care of it instead of getting frustrated and stepping in. Diabetes can kill a sex drive big time! So can Depression! He needs to get checked out for these issues, if he hasn't already! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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