a serial cheater finally comes clean

[AlwaysGrowing]

As it turns out, I could use some help. Not sure how to navigate it, but I'm going to at least try.

 

I will respond to the above though. I do not think any BS should just "get over it." I believe that it takes time....a lot of time....to work THROUGH infidelity, and even then sometimes it is just...a dealbreaker that cannot be overcome. That is one of the many foolish risks a person takes when they choose to cheat.

 

It has been said before that WS's tend to have a need for outward validation. I think it is more likely that THAT is what it is about....I know my heart, I know my remorse, I know the pain I have inflicted and have also felt (and not just about the A).....and I sometimes - whether I "deserve" it or not (I despise the word deserve)....just want some validation for TRYING...or at least being a human.

 

But anyway, as I said, I could use help. If I can find it that would be good. If not, I haven't really lost anything. Since the mid-2000's there has always been someone somewhere who thought I was a cheat and only a cheat, so I haven't really lost anything.

 

 

So...who are these "someones" and where is the "somewhere" that you are referring to?

 

I am a stranger, and you come across as a very balanced thought process person.

 

I also dislike deserve. Really, there is little in life one deserves. "Everyone deserves to be happy" is a pet peeve of mine. Maybe because I see too many people use that as a justification for poor behaviour/choices. Using it to bury themselves in debt, become an addict, treat others with disrespect...etc.

 

Want to know how I feed my soul?

 

I make sure I acknowledge every person that I come into contact with. I am mindful of leaving light instead of dark. We all have that choice. I can not tell you how often I have had service industry workers say to me, I wish everyone was like you. Even at a flu shot clinic, our nurse was laughing when my husband I left her station. I do not want to be the reason why someone hates their job, I want to be the good story that they tell their loved ones when they get home.

[aliveagain]

As it turns out, I could use some help. Not sure how to navigate it, but I'm going to at least try.

 

I will respond to the above though. I do not think any BS should just "get over it." I believe that it takes time....a lot of time....to work THROUGH infidelity, and even then sometimes it is just...a dealbreaker that cannot be overcome. That is one of the many foolish risks a person takes when they choose to cheat.

 

It has been said before that WS's tend to have a need for outward validation. I think it is more likely that THAT is what it is about....I know my heart, I know my remorse, I know the pain I have inflicted and have also felt (and not just about the A).....and I sometimes - whether I "deserve" it or not (I despise the word deserve)....just want some validation for TRYING...or at least being a human.

 

But anyway, as I said, I could use help. If I can find it that would be good. If not, I haven't really lost anything. Since the mid-2000's there has always been someone somewhere who thought I was a cheat and only a cheat, so I haven't really lost anything.

 

Jane, this is you we are talking about. You have to answer to yourself, what are you worth to yourself? Who the f**k cares about what the "someone else's" of the world think, you don't need to prove anything to them. The only people that should matter to you are around you every night. People that do things to gain acceptance from others do it for the wrong reason, come on girl, your smarter than that I see it in the way you write.

[janedoe67]

[/b]

 

Jane, this is you we are talking about. You have to answer to yourself, what are you worth to yourself? Who the f**k cares about what the "someone else's" of the world think, you don't need to prove anything to them. The only people that should matter to you are around you every night. People that do things to gain acceptance from others do it for the wrong reason, come on girl, your smarter than that I see it in the way you write.

 

You are right. I AM smarter than that. I allowed myself to become "dumb" at around....2004. And I still have to be cautious and beware of that old habit creeping back in. When I am vulnerable, that is the time to step back and re-surround myself with those people who are around me every night. That is not the time for me to push back, try to "prove" things that can only be seen by someone who wants to see it anyway.

 

Thank you for the reminder.

[aliveagain]

Your welcome, we all forget what is really important to us at times, some of us only find that out when it is too late. If you had to pick 6 people to be with at the end of the world would it include any of those "someone else's?"

[janedoe67]

Your welcome, we all forget what is really important to us at times, some of us only find that out when it is too late. If you had to pick 6 people to be with at the end of the world would it include any of those "someone else's?"

 

Okay, now THAT is a perspective-reminding question. And no.

 

Can one of those 6 people be a dog? Because I have to have my big old dog.

[aliveagain]

Okay, now THAT is a perspective-reminding question. And no.

 

Can one of those 6 people be a dog? Because I have to have my big old dog.

 

Absolutely, a big old dog is still family. Unconditional love.

[turnera]

Absolutely, a big old dog is still family. Unconditional love.

 

Unless you're the dog in the Supernatural episode I watched last night...

[janedoe67]

Unless you're the dog in the Supernatural episode I watched last night...

 

Ah....Sam and Dean...and a dog

 

I think I am going through a very practical phase. This can be a good thing. I am amazed that so many people spend all of their energy spinning in a "life SHOULD be THIS way" cycle. I mean, I have my ideas about how life should be too...but when it's not, it's not.

 

I wonder how much of our lives we waste insisting on living in the lalaland of what we would like instead of dealing realistically in reality....

 

That is my thought for the day. Kind of like if I spent my energy trying to twist everything around me and make it bigger because I always wished I was shorter.....

 

Doesn't really make much sense.

[janedoe67]

Yesterday I got a text from my husband during his break at work saying he had gotten reprimanded and in trouble. He was understandably down about it. I tried to be encouraging, and I admit to being defensive on his behalf because I think the company he is working for is very....Machiavellian. He texted on his way home from work shortly after lunchtime that he was still down, so we went to lunch, and I tried to point out the good things he had done, how much he was learning, how honorable it was that he was sticking with a stressful situation to provide for his family. We came home and had a pretty pleasant afternoon. He took a long nap. I ended up taking one too - I have not felt good at all the last couple of days - no energy, achy, headache. I still felt bad after my nap but fixed supper. After we ate it was time to take the dog for a walk. I still felt bad, so after he made several comments about having to walk the dog alone I asked our son to go with him. I admit to being a little peeved that he kept kind of passively insisting I go when I felt bad, but I let it go. I had left the supper dishes in the sink, planning t take care of them before I went up to bed, but he began making comments about the dishes, and eventually I got up and began working on that and got it done. Again, it kind of bugged me, but I guess doing it then was better than waiting till bedtime.

 

At bedtime I went upstairs where he was playing a computer game. I got my pajamas on and everything and got into bed, and then the dog started whining because she needed to go outside. He commented several times that she needed to go outside, but I made no move to get up - I was in my jammies and all, and yes, after responding to the somewhat passive style he has of trying to get me to do things twice already, I admit I was a bit stubborn. He began sighing heavily, and I caved and got up and took her out. I confess my this time I was irritated. I tried to talk about it, but he claimed that I read into all those remarks and that I couldn't/shouldn't be irritated because he didn't actually ask me to do anything so if I felt obligated that was all on me. This is a system he kind of has down pat. We ended up having a bit of a tiff, and when I didn't go ahead and back down and pretty much take all the blame, he did the other things he does...he pulled out the "I had such a bad day at work and the reprimand really affected my self-esteem and I wish I had some support." Now granted, I was grouchy when I took the dog out, but up until then I had tried to do everything I could to encourage him, try to be a cheerleader, and let him rest. Apparently the reason he wanted me to go on the walk with him is so we could talk more, but he didn't tell me that at the time...he just made passive remarks about it so how was I to know?

 

I was kind of groggy at this point because I had taken my medicine as well as a pain reliever for my headache, so I wasn't super responsive. He got up and left the room, then came back, then left, than came back. Turns out that was a test to see if I would check on him (like get up and check on him) to see if he was okay, which would prove whether or not I cared about him. I failed the test I didn't know I was taking. He came back again and matter of factly said he didn't care to be married anymore. I didn't respond much because I didn't really know how to respond. Firstly, I don't feel very connected to him because all the things that cause me t feel connected intimately to someone are absent in our relationship. Second, I did not think he meant it. It smacked of manipulation to me, plus I really do not think he would ever make that move to leave. That is not because I think I am awesome, but because he does need me for some things, and because he knows that at times I have wanted him to make that move.

 

After a two hour conversation in the middle of the night that I forced myself out of grogginess to have, he assured me he did mean it. What was the point, there was nothing left, blah blah. He thanked me for keeping myself awake to talk about it. Then he went to the restroom. On the way back, he hugged me, then went in for what was intended to be a romantic kiss. I just couldn't, so I gave him a peck. He sensed it and pulled back and got into bed. He "wanted to see if anything was there." Yeah, I know I am the one who complains about touch and sex, but the thought - after all of that - of being physically intimate at THAT point made me want to do something in between cry and throw up. He went to sleep.

 

I went downstairs eventually and spent the night alternating between lying awake and having nightmares. When I got up and checked facebook I saw that during one of his "test" trips downstairs he had written some long rant about living in a world where people don't care about each other and are only out fr number one.

 

This morning I got his work clothes ready (like I do every morning) and when my son wanted to stop for a sausage biscuit, I also got my husband one (which I always do if we go through a drive through). I put it on his nightstand as he was still asleep.

 

Basically, if I had just taken one for the team and not been grumpy last night - if I had just zipped up my feelings - none of that stuff would have happened. That is the story of our lives. Things are smoother when I don't share anything uncomfortable or ask too much.

 

I don't know what he will do today. He said last night he was going to pack and go to his parents' for awhile. I don't know how I feel about that, and honestly I will believe it when I see it. But in some ways, I don't care one way or another. If he wants to frame this as something that is all me with him as the victim, he can. I no longer care about score. He can use whatever trump cards I have been foolish enough to give him, and there are plenty of people who will buy that scenario.

 

It is what it is.

 

So yay! I might have some more lifelong consequences - all is right with the world. Of course it would be more enjoyable if I cared more.....for others, I mean.

Edited November 15, 2013 by janedoe67

[turnera]

Did you guys go into counseling? I forget.

[turnera]

As for the passive aggressive crap he's pulling, as someone who's withstood the exact same thing for 35 years and who is only NOW addressing it, I will tell you what my two therapists have told me: you HAVE to address it and refuse to give in to it.

 

Calmly explain to him what happened and why you chose not to soothe his ego, that it is NOT your responsibility to 'prove' you love him by going to check up on him, and that was an unhealthy choice for HIM to do, that it would have been healthier for him to just SAY that he felt unloved.

 

I remember one time I dropped my H off at church and when he called me to come pick him up, instead of jumping in the car, I finished what I was doing. How dare I?! He was walking home when I came down the road - walking on the side of the road that would ensure that I SAW him walking home, have to turn around, and beg him to get into the car - thus soothing his ego. Unfortunately, I did it. What I SHOULD have done is ask him once and, if he refused, just gone back home and let him walk.

 

Needless to say, all the years of my jumping and begging has created an extremely unhealthy marriage to the point that, now, 30 years later, it's almost impossible for him to see that it's wrong and to change. The only hope for us at this point is for ME to change and appear unloving to him for at least a while, until he is forced to adapt to my more healthy reactions.

 

I get that you feel you have a certain obligation to him, but in this particular case, participating in unhealthy behaviors isn't good for anyone.

 

That said, I'm surprised you didn't see that he wanted to talk, thus the walk. Maybe you could spend some time learning about yourself and your empathy level; maybe he's become passive aggressive because you're lacking in that area.

[janedoe67]

Despite my terrible choice to cheat, being lacking in care and empathy is not something anyone who has ever known me would accuse me of. We walk the dog after dinner, sometimes the three of us, or two of us, or just me. So a walk would not have been a "talk indicator." I spent most of our marriage responding to his public service announcements (ie him coming home and announcing he hadn't eaten) by hopping to, soothing him, tiptoeing when he was down, trying not to pressure him with my needs or emotions, and taking care of things when he "just couldn't"

 

Another reason not to cheat: once you cheat, it is unfathomable that you - the cheater - might NOT have been/be the root of all the problems.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Being PA is a hard habit to break. One has to work on it. The onus should not be on the other party to constantly be their conscience..who the heck needs that full time job.

 

Jane, it is probably best for you to have time alone. To detox and really be with just you.

[turnera]

Despite my terrible choice to cheat, being lacking in care and empathy is not something anyone who has ever known me would accuse me of.

Good to know.

 

We walk the dog after dinner, sometimes the three of us, or two of us, or just me. So a walk would not have been a "talk indicator." I spent most of our marriage responding to his public service announcements (ie him coming home and announcing he hadn't eaten) by hopping to, soothing him, tiptoeing when he was down, trying not to pressure him with my needs or emotions, and taking care of things when he "just couldn't".

Well, like I said, that is not healthy, and now's a good time to start discussing why it isn't. Plenty of books and articles about it, you could start there with him. Or, therapy.

[janedoe67]

It would probably be best for both of us. He deserves peace be th possibility of...something that isn't so so very sad. And so do I. Yes, even though I cheated, so. Do. I.

 

He can believe it was all me. His family can. Strangers can. I, on the other hand, am less myopic. I know ALL of what the last more than 20 years have been.

 

I am tired of living as my own perpetual defense attorney.

[whirl3daway]

Hi Jane!

 

I'm a long time lurker of this forum, and occasional poster. I read through your entire thread here, and it struck me into responding.

 

I'm not going to condone your cheating or justify your affair. Obviously, going behind the back of someone you love and lying to them is never the right answer.

 

That being said...

 

I think you have shown incredible patience with this situation. A lot of other posters have tried to tell you that you are putting your needs/wants on the backburner, and you seem to have pushed those posters aside, sort of how you are putting YOUR STATUS AS A HUMAN BEING aside.

 

NO ONE is guaranteed to give you love in this world. The only person you can count on to give you that is yourself. That sounds hokey and new-agey, but it's the truth. You MUST, MUST, MUST start acknowledging that your wants and needs are just as important as your husband's.

 

You seem to be stuck in this mode where you have relegated yourself to living this unfulfilled life because of your mistakes. This is NOT how it has to be. I'm not sure if this is the religious training you've been raised with but as far as any of us know for sure, this one life is all we have. There is no evidence of anything else. Is this the type of life you want for yourself?

 

You have children? Is this the type of relationship you'd like for your daughter to have? A husband who shows her no affection or intimacy, who fails at keeping jobs, who does not appear to give a crap about anything but himself?

 

I'm not saying that your husband hasn't been betrayed - of course he has, but he is betraying you in a way that has gone beyond your affairs. He has betrayed you as a partner. He does not care that his lack of sex/affection has withered you into a shell of a person. He does not care that you were feeling badly. He does not care that you have financial concerns. He does not care that he's using his sexual resources on jerking off to porn instead of coming to you. He does not care that he's spent 1000's of dollars on a gaming addiction instead of giving them to his family.

 

This man may be your best friend, and you may love him and he may even love you... but he is incapable of having a REAL relationship with REAL intimacy. He is incapable of seeing that he has a plethora of issues himself that need to be worked on - he is plenty happy painting you with the "A" and letting you do all the hard work, while he gets to reap the benefits of a healthier partner, but not having to do a thing himself.

 

All I see from you are excuses about why he doesn't want to see a therapist, why he doesn't want that, why he doesn't want this... the honest truth here is that IF HE REALLY WANTED TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE AND CARED ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS, those excuses would not matter.

 

I truly, truly hope you can start to see beyond what you have done, and see your relationship for what it is.

Edited November 15, 2013 by whirl3daway

[janedoe67]

Just an FYI....when a person has been married for over 20 years and has frequented forums for several years, it is highly likely that the idea of talking to their spouse about their needs has already occurred to them. It is also likely that they have already talked to them about passive aggressiveness, etc.

 

Cheating was not my first, go-to response to his neglect. It was still wrong, but all the neat ideas that people say "why don;t you think about trying...." I've done, and done again.

 

Now is not the time to "start." I "started" years and years and years ago. It didn't help. Nor did the books, the praying, the trying not to need, the counseling...the EVERYTHING.

 

It may mean a paradigm shift, but the bottom line is that there ARE WS's out there who WERE the ones who tried to do the lion's share of the work on the marriage prior to cheating.

[velvette]

Just an FYI....when a person has been married for over 20 years and has frequented forums for several years, it is highly likely that the idea of talking to their spouse about their needs has already occurred to them. It is also likely that they have already talked to them about passive aggressiveness, etc.

 

Cheating was not my first, go-to response to his neglect. It was still wrong, but all the neat ideas that people say "why don;t you think about trying...." I've done, and done again.

 

Now is not the time to "start." I "started" years and years and years ago. It didn't help. Nor did the books, the praying, the trying not to need, the counseling...the EVERYTHING.

 

It may mean a paradigm shift, but the bottom line is that there ARE WS's out there who WERE the ones who tried to do the lion's share of the work on the marriage prior to cheating.

 

If that is the case, then it is time to give up and move on or to tell the other party that you are done/out of ideas and its up to them to do something to move things forward to the kind of R you can both be happy with. The only other option is more of same or resign yourself to some version of unhappy/discontent.

 

Just as an aside, it is possible to be the one standing in the way of the other person doing what they should by enabling them to continue as is.

[Steadfast]

You've spoiled him rotten. He has the 'King of the Castle' syndrome. And like someone pointed out, you're busting ass trying to make up for everything...

 

And speaking of that, if I read cheating described as a mistake one more time I'll pop a fuse. Do people writing on this forum have any grasp of the English language? "I meant to bid on eBay but mistakenly posted on LS..."

 

Hard to see how you can regain your respect (and thus, attraction) when playing the dutiful wife does nothing but piss you off. Once again, your posts show it's part him and part you equals a dysfunctional relationship.

 

Thing is, a different man will only bring different issue. Plus, you're likely to drag all kinds of old baggage into a new relationship should you ever have one. The manly DIY bachelor you seem to desire might cause you to think he's only there for one reason. Who knows? Maybe that'll work for you.

 

Regardless, it's probably time to split Jane. You're not happy.

[janedoe67]

You've spoiled him rotten. He has the 'King of the Castle' syndrome. And like someone pointed out, you're busting ass trying to make up for everything...

 

And speaking of that, if I read cheating described as a mistake one more time I'll pop a fuse. Do people writing on this forum have any grasp of the English language? "I meant to bid on eBay but mistakenly posted on LS..."

 

Hard to see how you can regain your respect (and thus, attraction) when playing the dutiful wife does nothing but piss you off. Once again, your posts show it's part him and part you equals a dysfunctional relationship.

 

Thing is, a different man will only bring different issue. Plus, you're likely to drag all kinds of old baggage into a new relationship should you ever have one. The manly DIY bachelor you seem to desire might cause you to think he's only there for one reason. Who knows? Maybe that'll work for you.

 

Regardless, it's probably time to split Jane. You're not happy.

 

Thanks for that self-esteem boosting post.

 

My husband happens to have some good qualities as well. He is smart, he has the capacity to be logical and objective, he is capable of authentic forgiveness, he is not arrogant, and he is a great dad. He's also good looking in case anyone wondered

 

He is basically asexual and may have orientation issues. He is very passive and resistant to anything that makes him uncomfortable. It is very hard for him to admit he is wrong unless it is couched in "this is why someone else MADE me be wrong." He has known what I have needed for years and will not meet those needs. And yes, I have enabled a lot of unhealthy dynamic. I wanted to be a serving wife, I became the wife who did everything. I wanted to be a submissive wife, I mistook that for being a mouse for the first few years. I didn't want to be "selfish" so I buried my needs. When that inevitably no longer worked I did not always express my honesty and needs in a constructive way. I allowed resentment to fester. I fed my own anger. I crossed a thousand "small" boundaries knowing they were leading me closer and closer to an A and ignored my own values and what was moral until I crossed the big ones and DID have an A. And I did it more than once. My selfish practice of coping with loneliness by selfishly dumping on my marriage and spouse was not a mistake - it was willful black and white wrong.

 

But let me tell you some things about me. I am smart, I am funny, I do have empathy and compassion. I have remorse, I have worked to be transparent and to truly DEAL with my actions AND my inside this time around instead of that shallow "stop and put a band aid on it" dry drunk crap. I will never be perfect in my interactions with others because no one is, but I have made great strides in learning to express my needs and thoughts and such with integrity and tact. I have spent years when NOT wayward trying to strike the balance between being a wife who meets her husband's needs and not being a doormat enabler. I haven't always struck the perfect balance. I am a great mom, a loyal friend, I do have love for my husband and even today have spent time encouraging him and helping him talk through some of his job stress. A kick-butt dinner is in the midst of slow cooking right now.

 

I work hard, I give, I have made an idea into a successful vocation. I strive to live by my faith and my values. I love romance but know fairy tales do not exist. I am passionate and a great kisser. I love to laugh. I feel like I should be adding that I like long walks on the beach, but that isn't why I am saying this....and besides, I'd rather body surf.

 

What's the point? The point is that for 2423 of the 2448 weeks of my life I have not been wayward. For 98.97875...... % of my life I have not been wayward. I am not perfect, and yes, I have some work to do and some baggage, but I am a successful, mostly well-adjusted, caring, honest, empathetic, practical human who knows my vulnerabilities and can see the world from a variety of points of view.

 

I am not helpless, I am not unredeemable, and I am certainly more than just fodder for some "manly rescuer." In fact, a man who can handle a woman who is human and doesn't insist on a pedestal would probably thank his lucky stars that I was in his life.

 

I am a woman who has made more right choices than wrong but who knows that her wrong choices DID and do have a profound affect on her life and others. I am a woman who, because of that, does not consider herself "above" falling, and so she shores up her boundaries. The people who are my friends would say I am a good one, the people who are my children say I am a good mom, the man to whom I am married, even though he believes that we just cannot find a way to mesh our problems, would say that I have been much more of a good and loving wife than a wayward one. That is because, again, he is capable of seeing life that way.

 

In short, yeah, I screwed up big time, and I needed to come clean and become a better person from the inside out. But I;m not a failure or broken beyond repair or someone a man should stay away from or be doomed. I am Jane, and Jane - despite her shortcomings - IS a damn good woman.

[turnera]

Just an FYI....when a person has been married for over 20 years and has frequented forums for several years, it is highly likely that the idea of talking to their spouse about their needs has already occurred to them. It is also likely that they have already talked to them about passive aggressiveness, etc.

FYI, so did I. For 30 years. And nothing changed.

 

Do you know why?

 

Because I didn't change. I kept telling DH why HE was screwed up, why HE needed to change, what was wrong with HIM.

 

In reality, the ONE thing I should have been focusing on was how to change ME so I no longer participated in the dysfunction. He is free to be as dysfunctional as he wants - and I am free to walk away.

 

Took me a long time to see that, and to start changing what I do. Finally seeing some change in him because of what I am changing. Whodathunkit?

[aliveagain]

Jane, the issue isn't about the majority of your life, the issue is about the 25 weeks you were the sh*tiest wife and mother to your husband and children. We can make figures say whatever we want but in the end our actions tell people who we really are. You can be the funniest best kisser on the planet but that doesn't change what happened in those 25 weeks, they don't go away because your usually amazing, you, your husband the other men as well as anyone else that is privy to that information can't erase those images of you during that period. Time can lessen the hurt on those that were impacted by your actions but those actions are forever part of the cosmos. Once you step over that imaginary line you can't go back so you have to accept that they will always be part of who you are. Only you can chose to do it again or not. Others can choose to forgive you but you can't always expect that to be the case, it's outside of your control.

 

You can only control what you can control about yourself. Your probably someone I would like personally but that still would not change how I relate to infidelity. So how do you eliminate infidelity from your life Jane?

[janedoe67]

Jane, the issue isn't about the majority of your life, the issue is about the 25 weeks you were the sh*tiest wife and mother to your husband and children. We can make figures say whatever we want but in the end our actions tell people who we really are. You can be the funniest best kisser on the planet but that doesn't change what happened in those 25 weeks, they don't go away because your usually amazing, you, your husband the other men as well as anyone else that is privy to that information can't erase those images of you during that period. Time can lessen the hurt on those that were impacted by your actions but those actions are forever part of the cosmos. Once you step over that imaginary line you can't go back so you have to accept that they will always be part of who you are. Only you can chose to do it again or not. Others can choose to forgive you but you can't always expect that to be the case, it's outside of your control.

 

You can only control what you can control about yourself. Your probably someone I would like personally but that still would not change how I relate to infidelity. So how do you eliminate infidelity from your life Jane?

 

Yeah, and I have never argued that 25 weeks of my life were horrible. But someone who chooses to define me completely by 25 weeks instead of the other 2000 has an agenda and some serious personal blinders on.

 

And I have spent a LOT of time working on myself and "cleaning up my side of the street." That is all I did for years because a forum where I first posted couldn't fathom that maybe the reason my hubby wouldn't touch me was HIS issue and not mine. I have screwed up in my life. I have enabled some dysfunction in my life. But no matter how much it sticks in a craw....I am NOT the root of every problem in my marriage...even if I did cheat.

 

I will accept full responsibility for my choice to betray and lie. I do NOT take responsibility for every marital problem simply because I was a really crappy person for 5% of my life.

 

If actions define who we are, then taking my life as whole whole should lead one to the conclusion that I am a good human being who made some very BAD choices from which she is working to recover.

 

If someone defines me by the 5%, it's because they want to....

[aliveagain]

Yeah, and I have never argued that 25 weeks of my life were horrible. But someone who chooses to define me completely by 25 weeks instead of the other 2000 has an agenda and some serious personal blinders on.

 

And I have spent a LOT of time working on myself and "cleaning up my side of the street." That is all I did for years because a forum where I first posted couldn't fathom that maybe the reason my hubby wouldn't touch me was HIS issue and not mine. I have screwed up in my life. I have enabled some dysfunction in my life. But no matter how much it sticks in a craw....I am NOT the root of every problem in my marriage...even if I did cheat.

 

I will accept full responsibility for my choice to betray and lie. I do NOT take responsibility for every marital problem simply because I was a really crappy person for 5% of my life.

 

If actions define who we are, then taking my life as whole whole should lead one to the conclusion that I am a good human being who made some very BAD choices from which she is working to recover.

 

If someone defines me by the 5%, it's because they want to....

 

 

Jane, the infidelity is about you, the problem with the marriage is about the two of you. If the marriage is not working do something about it. If you continue to allow infidelity into your life, do something about it for yourself, fix it permanently, who cares what you give as a reason for it happening, just stop it from happening whatever it takes. I don't question you for your ability to be great I question why moral boundaries are only important to you 95% of the time?

[janedoe67]

If all you took from what I wrote was some crazy notion that I currently only cared about being honorable 95% of the time, you are choosing to permanently define me by the 5%, and when I decided to post again, it wast with the decision to disregard the "once you cheat that is all that matters (beca s you Remind me of my WS)" thinking.

 

Believe what you will. Cheating was wrong. My character was ignored and brown by me during that time. REAL, deep work is being done this time. I will NOT allow myself to go to that place again.

 

Of course it all may be irrelevant since he sees no point. I asked him to tell be bluntly and truly if my horrible choice to cheat was the bottom line. He said no...go figure

 

It was still wrong. I wish I could undo it.

Edited November 17, 2013 by janedoe67