a serial cheater finally comes clean

[compulsivedancer]

Jane, it's tough to love someone but not be getting what you need from them. Once again, it doesn't make you a bad person, just a person whose needs aren't met. Sex is an important part of marriage. In fact, as far as I can tell, if a couple isn't having sex, they aren't connecting.

 

Sex was a big issue between H and me before my affair. It was one of the reasons we were considering an open marriage (at least on my side). H had some views of sex that made him less interested or aggressive in bed than I needed (he seemed to think of me as the Madonna, as in the Madonna/whore complex).

 

Thankfully, I was very lucky and H put a lot of thought and effort into sex and became the husband that I needed sexually after DDay. In the process, he got a lot more out of sex too, including getting more from me, sometimes things he didn't know he wanted.

 

It sounds like you're married to a friend, not a husband. You could raise a family with a gay best friend and get exactly the same qualities from him. However, you would still both be free to participate in sex in other avenues.

 

I imagine religion may stand in the way, but have you ever discussed having the option to have other sexual partners, since he is not interested?

 

I don't know what the best option is, but if you aren't happy in your relationship, it's time to find a way to be happy. And it might be time to pursue happiness aggressively:

* Whether that means telling your H that he must participate in sex therapy and at least explore the issue.

* Whether that means asking for permission to have other sexual partners (this is not cheating, if it does not involve lies and betrayal).

* Whether it means leaving the relationship (you could still raise the kids together; you might even find that you could still be friends).

 

Just because you're a WS doesn't mean you don't have a right to find happiness. Find your own worth and don't allow your H to make you feel "less than" because he is not interested in sex.

[sidney2718]

This whole thread is moot.

 

He is a good man. He is a good looking man.

 

I am broken

 

End of story.

 

Jane, this won't work. He is a good man. But your marriage is sexless. That is NOT ignorable. In most areas of the world that is prime grounds for divorce. You are being deprived of one of nature's rights granted to everyone.

 

But I suspect you know that.

 

The question is what to do about it? One point of view might be that your husband is punishing you by not letting you divorce easily, thus trapping you in a sexless existence. Another point of view is that the poor guy is also trapped. I tend to agree with that.

 

Another point of view is that you should divorce anyway. That will hurt him, but leave you free to find some self-fulfillment elsewhere.

 

And a third is that you should stay married and continue to have affairs that leave you with only momentary satisfaction.

 

None of these avoids hurting someone, several hurt both you and your husband.

 

Society doesn't sanction any action that will give you relief.

 

My personal thought, which will bring the wrath of Zeus down on me, is that you should try to negotiate an agreement with you husband that amounts to a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement with your husband in return for which you agree to be the best wife you can the other 90% of the time.

[thummper]

Janie, are you still with us? How are you doing? I think a lot of us are concerned about the low opinion you have of yourself. I hope you can see that you aren't worthless. You deserve to be happy. Life goes so fast.