a serial cheater finally comes clean

[karnak]

I hope I am not like that. I want to be with one person who I love who loves me. I never NEVER thought I would be like this.

 

I think if I could get through the withdrawal and get my spiritual life in order and learn to be content I would be okay. I have really great kids, not sure how considering the messes I have made (though they don't know any of it). My husband is a good man.

 

I just think a lot of it is selfishness and ungratefulness and I have to change my thinking.

 

You don't have to see yourself as a sort of "evil" person, or something.

 

As I stated earlier, you're probably just not really suited for long emotional connections or sexual exclusivity with a single person. Maybe you think you are. But most likely you aren't.

 

That doesn't make you a bad mother, or a bad friend or woman. It may just make you unsuitable as a wife.

 

But that is just an oppinion. In the end you have to do that which makes you feel good with yourself and the world. And it seems that your actual lifestyle isn't making you much happy.

[janedoe67]

I can't believe I am saying this but for some reason it's actually more stressful having people be nice to me. The first time we went through this I went onto a forum where I was an evil whore and my husband was a victim and that was that. The answer was make sure you are sorry forever, be good, and never need anything because you are an evil whore.

 

I admit that after a few years that grated because I was faithful and changed for a long time. Now, though, I think I have used up my "good person who does bad things" card.

 

Do you think it is possible to make my husband any kind of happy after hurting him this much?

[leonine]

 

Do you think it is possible to make my husband any kind of happy after hurting him this much?

 

If he wants an exclusive relationship, you could set him free to find one.

[aliveagain]

You will always have to live with what you have done so only you can decide how much pain you want to cause your family. You risk their health every time you betray them even if you use condoms. Being an adulterer doesn't make you a bad mother, but it does make you a ****ty wife. Have you a bipolar disorder? Stop your behavior, at least until you get the professional help you need so you can make an informed and conscious decision about your marriage. Don't let your bio in a adult dating site dictate what your family and marriage are to become, stop being selfish.

[turnera]

I did see a psychologist for awhile who wanted to go all back through my childhood and one of her goals seemed to be to make me cry every week.

Of course he wanted to go back to your childhood; it affects everything you do and choose. This self destructiveness is a product of that. Go back and LET him take you back there. It will likely be necessary, before you can feel good about yourself.

[janedoe67]

I discontinued my membership to the married site and then used one of those random password generators and copied and pasted it into the email address password for the email I used for that. I also asked my husband to put a keylogger on my computer. He isn't sure about that so my laptop now always stays open and I gave him all my passwords. Of course none of this means anything in my mind because I did it all before too.

 

The site we were on before said that looking at your past or childhood was stupid and that all you need to do is stop making the wrong choices. I am beginning to wonder if they were wrong because obviously that didn't fix something. I feel like all I did was wallpaper over a big hole in the wall.

[Artie Lang]

your husband sounds like a complete and utter doormat. he must have some self-esteem issues because no man in his right mind would ever let himself be cuckolded like this.

 

 

you need to see a psychiatrist, PRONTO!

Edited June 18, 2013 by Artie Lang

[2sure]

My x was a serial cheater. We were happily married by his own admissions. He cheated because he required constant new validation. In other words he was insecure and I couldn't fix him.

 

You are unhappily married and saying you cheat because your husband will not let you divorce him. He doesn't even have that option, so stop with that excuse right away. For your own good.

 

If your marriage is unhappy what are you doing together to fix it, specifically?

If you can't fix it and refuse to divorce you might consider developing some healthy coping skills.

[janedoe67]

your husband sounds like a complete and utter doormat. he must have some self-esteem issues because no man in hid right mind would ever let himself be cuckolded like this.

 

 

you need to see a psychiatrist, PRONTO!

 

He does have esteem issues which I have made worse and not just with the affairs. And I agree too about the psychiatrist who I will be calling tomorrow.

 

I also agree that I didn't deserve the first second chance not to mention all the others. Crying and emotion and feeling bad and "just stopping" obviously is not getting the job done. I need more serous help than the shallow pat stuff and I need to get it yesterday.

[turnera]

The site we were on before said that looking at your past or childhood was stupid and that all you need to do is stop making the wrong choices.

That's ridiculous. Yes, you can force yourself to make different choices, if you are strong and driven enough to begin with; THAT is a personality issue. But most people aren't. Most people are weak, insecure, needy, and needing reassurance - and that's the ones from HEALTHY families. The rest of us spend our whole lives trying to make up for what our parents, families, and childhood did to us.

 

There is an AMAZING book you should read. It's called Getting The Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix. It speaks to this directly. It shows you how what you did or didn't get in childhood directly pushes what you seek in adulthood. If your mom was standoffish, you'll seek a woman who is standoffish, thinking you can 'get' her to NOT be standoffish, so as to eliminate that 'hole' in your soul you grew up feeling.

 

The problem is, your spouse is seeking someone to fix the hole in THEIR soul, from THEIR parents.

 

The first few years, while the PEA chemicals (lust) are flowing, you are both hot to trot to impress your SO and meet their needs, cos they also are doing it for YOU. But slowly, the PEA chemicals start fading (they only last in your body for between 3 to 5 years. Then all you have left is your relationship; the lust is gone. THAT is when the fun starts, and the resentment digs in, resentment that your SO is not really doing what you thought they would do: make up for your childhood.

 

And thus it goes...

[janedoe67]

He cheated because he required constant new validation. In other words he was insecure and I couldn't fix him.

 

This makes sense to me. This is a flaw I have. This is something I have to fix.

 

And yes, I think the "your childhood and all the crap you lived through is irrelevant" stuff is wrong. I can see the patterns of some things.

 

I have no idea why my husband wants me to stay. And I know the reason I didn't leave is because I am a coward. But we have three more years with kids in our house and he for some reasons really wants to be with me and I know that nothing about my current choices is healthy. I think I owe it to him, if he wants it, to try to get my ***** together and grow up. If he is just wanting to keep it together for the kids I understand that and I need to do whatever I have to to make myself better.

[2sure]

I didn't divorce my husband because he had sex with other women. Cheated.

I knew enough that I was positive he had a problem, I stayed initially because I was willing to work on it together. We loved each other.

 

Ultimately, I had to leave him because I didn't see him being able to get to the root of his problem and work on it. I have a daughter. We had to leave.

[Journee]

This makes sense to me. This is a flaw I have. This is something I have to fix.

 

And yes, I think the "your childhood and all the crap you lived through is irrelevant" stuff is wrong. I can see the patterns of some things.

 

I have no idea why my husband wants me to stay. And I know the reason I didn't leave is because I am a coward. But we have three more years with kids in our house and he for some reasons really wants to be with me and I know that nothing about my current choices is healthy. I think I owe it to him, if he wants it, to try to get my ***** together and grow up. If he is just wanting to keep it together for the kids I understand that and I need to do whatever I have to to make myself better.

 

 

 

 

I think that this bothers me the most. If you are not staying because you love him and want to spend the rest of your days with him ,then you are not doing him any favors. I am sure he has his reasons for wanting to stay married to you but if you cannot give him an authentic relationship where you are not constantly needing more (from other men) and he isn't constantly pulling away then it's time for some decisions. Some hard ones.

 

It is wonderful that you recognize that you have certain issues that have put you into this situation to not only risk your sexual and mental health but that of your husband's as well. You sound like you have some of the same growing pains that I have had in my life. I wish you luck. I believe IC would be very beneficial. You have got to dig deep and yes ,maybe even cry every week for a little while. You will get to know yourself though. Get to know how you tick and not be someone that just lets life happen to them. You can take control. Only if you wish to though. You and your H could settle right back into your familiar patterns until the next DDay. Do the work ....both of you. He is a participant in that marriage just as you are. He needs/should work on whatever keeps him down and out enough to not demand more (fidelity) from his wife. You as well. If you need to feel desired and wanted by your husband then he needs to figure out a way to bring that to you. Just because he may not be interested does not mean he cannot find ways to fulfill you and make you feel like natural a woman...look at me about to break out into song

 

I am not trying to harp or preach. This is all coming from the poster child for someone who needs a good IC. I just know that bad choices in my opinion does not a bad person make in my estimation. I have made terrible choices and so has my H but I love him with the heat of the sun. I had to take a hard look at myself too. Good for you on that note as well.

[Spark1111]

ms. Jane, it is not UNUSUAL for very damaged people to pick those equally damaged, though maybe in different ways, to attract each other and commit to one another.

 

Not unusual at all.

 

psychs proscribe drugs to get you on an even keel, period. psychologists do the hard talk therapy.

 

You need to find one that specializes in serial cheating/sex addiction and TELL THE TRUTH about yourself and your H. You think these experts haven't heard all of this before?

 

They can only help you to the extent you are willing to disclose the TRUTH to them.

 

if you aren't using sex to self-medicate, I do not know who is......

 

The fact that you were willing to allow your H to say sex is over without a fight, tells me you cannot express a need.

 

The fact that you went then you have sex with strangers, tells me you are one beaten down cookie.

 

get GOOD help for yourself and your H and together. I Believe you two could be happy once you identify your pathologies and WORK TOGETHER to fix them.

[MrWombat]

Welcome to "commitment", to "for better for worse, till death do us part". You didn't think those words actually meant anything, did you? Well, they do. And your husband understands them.

What I'm saying is: grow up.

[Praying4Peace]

You should've gotten a divorce a long time ago. Your marriage is a sham, this is not what a marriage should look like. Can't you see that?

 

It may be that you are broken or that maybe you are just unhappy being married to your husband. Even if you are 'broken', your husband being in your life is not something that is helping you become a better person. It seems like people think that if the person fixes themself, then they will automatically be happy, content and compatible with the person they are with. Not true.

 

Perhaps the first time it was a great idea to try to reconcile with him, but now you know that you are just not a good couple. He is better off without you and you are better off without him.

 

But you both are too cowardly to fess up to this fact and so you just torture each other. Since when did marriage become a prison sentence?? Like, if you don't have a good enough reason to leave- then you should stay.

 

I know it might be a bit off topic but I do blame your H here too. Not only for his strange approach to sex in a marriage (he probably can't get close to you because of your affairs, and who knows maybe he's having an affair too!) but because he is enabling you to run rampant messing with other people bc you aren't happy with him.

 

One day you'll find someone who isn't a ONS who might actually be into you despite your marital status and he'll find himself whining on the OW/OM board all because your husband won't man up and leave and you, KNOWING that he can't bring himself to do it- won't either.

 

Just because you are the wrongdoer doesn't mean you can't divorce him. Divorce is sometimes a very kind option to give your spouse- despite their crying and begging for you not to- than keeping them a prisoner to their dysfunctional need to stay in your very unhealthy marriage. Let him go and find happiness, he'll thank you one day. And if you're alone, work on loving yourself and perhaps one day you can have a normal, fulfilling relationship where there is no need to cheat.

[whichwayisup]

I know my post seems pretty emotionless. After my first affair but before I went off the deep end I used to actually help women who cheated and I hated their drama pity parties so I am trying not to have one.

 

I am a terrible example to my kids. I am hurting my husband. I made a vow that I broke over and over. WHY would he want a woman like that???? I thought I really changed before, but I must not have or why did I do it again and again?

 

I hate my life and the guilt and how crushed my husband feels. This is the third time he has caught me. He says I sabatogue things because I'm afraid, but I think I am just selfish. Whatever it is I need to fix it. I have to fix it. It's wrong.

 

Go to counseling, on your own and with your husband as well.

 

He either loves you and thinks you're worth fighting for, wants to keep your family intact and under one roof, or he's afraid to be alone and has no backbone to stand up to you, set boundries and be tougher on you. All this can be talked about and dealt with in marriage counseling.

 

It's good you've posted and admitted your problems. Now, it's time to get help so everybody can be happier.

[karnak]

ms. Jane, it is not UNUSUAL for very damaged people to pick those equally damaged, though maybe in different ways, to attract each other and commit to one another.

 

 

Yep. Way more common than most people like to aknowledge, anyway.

 

Me, for instance, when I was young and completely messed-up, I used to hang around some pretty messed-up people.

 

Now that I'm way better mentally and emotionally I can't stand to be near those kind of people again. "Misery loves company", so they say.

It sure is true.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Your husband sounds a lot like mine. The reason I haven't left is because he will beg and plead with me (he does not know about my affair)...and I end up feeling sorry for him.

 

He will make comments about not being able to start over or finding anyone at his age (he is only 42, and is attractive) and I feel like I'm ruining his life if I leave.

 

Bottom line, it sounds like you just aren't in love with him. You cheat to fill a void... it's the same thing I am doing, because you, and I, are stuck.

 

Everyone here will tell you to leave, I hear it everytime I post, but it just isn't that easy.

 

I work up the courage the finally tell my husband how I feel, it takes weeks, months, YEARS...and then he makes me feel sorry for him and I stay. It's a terrible cycle.

 

I have absolutely no advice at all...just know you are not alone.

[delighted_delilah]

Your husband is every bit as much to blame as you for the infidelity that has gone on in this marriage. Physical intimacy may not be the most important part of a marriage, but it is an essential part, and him refusing to do right by YOU and make an effort to give you what you need, so that you can do the same for him, well, that's a breaking of the marriage vows right there. So neither of you are honouring that commitment, despite what some here may believe.

Have you sat down and discussed the possibility of a sexually open marriage? One in which your physical needs are met elsewhere, but your emotional commitment is to your husband?

[Confused48]

Your husband sounds a lot like mine. The reason I haven't left is because he will beg and plead with me (he does not know about my affair)...and I end up feeling sorry for him.

 

He will make comments about not being able to start over or finding anyone at his age (he is only 42, and is attractive) and I feel like I'm ruining his life if I leave.

 

Bottom line, it sounds like you just aren't in love with him. You cheat to fill a void... it's the same thing I am doing, because you, and I, are stuck.

 

Everyone here will tell you to leave, I hear it everytime I post, but it just isn't that easy.

 

I work up the courage the finally tell my husband how I feel, it takes weeks, months, YEARS...and then he makes me feel sorry for him and I stay. It's a terrible cycle.

 

I have absolutely no advice at all...just know you are not alone.

 

I bet he would not beg you so much to stay if you told him about your affair. He would be devastated but only temporarily. Eventually as you say, at 42 and attractive, he would move on and be better off.

[Act Two]

Everyone thinks that every person should marry and have kids.

 

Not true.

 

Some people are really not fit for parenthood or marriage. I'm not saying that humans are polygamous or selfish by nature.

 

I'm just stating that some people are not meant to have lasting relationships or will never be good parents. Others, on the other hand are satisfied with a single partner for life and are really dedicated to kids.

 

Not all humans are similar. Different people, different goals in life.

 

The problem always occurs when a "polyamorous" person tries to settle with a single partner. Never works.

 

I, for instance, am a "one woman" kind of guy. But many men don't work that way and seem they can't live without seducing and banging the largest number of girls they can.

The same works for women, I guess.

 

I don't think you can know this or imply that jane is incapable of a monogamous relationship.

 

She doesn't want to keep doing what she is doing and knows that it is wrong. If she were reveling in her polyamorous behavior she wouldn't be seeking help here.

[twosadthings]

It was only a blip in one of your posts but I seem to rember some indication of a medical issue with your husband. Libido reducing drugs or such. His lack of desire may not be directed at you and be an embarrassment he hates or is beyond his control. That could be why he stays with a person that betrays him instead of trying to find someone new that will be simpathetic to his health issues.

 

If he had a heart condition or cancer wouldn't you get your good guy husbant the care he needed not only for him but for yourself and family? Your lack of attention to the crux of your family's care is in my estimation your biggest negative. You have tried, albeit unsuccessfully or at least with unsatisfactory results, to address your needs and not your family's.

 

If there is any left for your husband show him your love by insisting he be the one that goes for medical care of whatever any type necessary. If the tone and content of your posts is to be believed that will be the direction to go in to make a future you can enjoy both near term and ten years from now.

 

There are two ways a woman can make her man better...Inspire him or require him.

 

Twosadthings

[karnak]

I don't think you can know this or imply that jane is incapable of a monogamous relationship.

 

She doesn't want to keep doing what she is doing and knows that it is wrong. If she were reveling in her polyamorous behavior she wouldn't be seeking help here.

 

She sure is incapable of a monogamous relationship... With her husband, at least.

 

Otherwise she wouldn't have all these problems.

[janedoe67]

I'm not sure how much detail of him and our lives I can give because 1. I have been on forums before and let's just say someone from some other forum doing the whole "AHA!" thing would not be helpful and 2. I am not sure it is relevant because no matter what my husband has or has not done I still shouldn't have cheated.

 

But if it helps give background...the issues with him not being interested started on our honeymoon when he started trying to watch TV and wait me out every night, I have a library full of books by everyone from Harley to Gottman to that love language guy and I'm the one who read them and tried to do all of them. He has a chronic condition that doesn't have to affect sex if he takes care of himself and I knew he had it when I married him and have a lot of times been the one TO take care of him.

 

None of that makes up for affairs. I know that. But someone said for better or for worse and I wanted to make it clear that I didn't just cave in the first time things got inconvenient and believe me between what I have said about and him losing jobs and him being addicted to games and all sorts of things that happened for years before my first affair there has been a LOT of worse.

 

I do love him. And as hard as I try not to I still want him to love me and touch me and I wish more than anything that we could have the kind of marriage my parents had. But I have screwed up badly and am not sure I deserve all that. But he needs me (those are the words he uses that he needs me) and I love him so I need to try.